Bachelor in Paradise Recap: You Guessed It
Y’all, we made it. Some of the couples may have not survived Paradise, but we can bask in the glory that we trudged through another season of tears and debauchery and made it out relatively unscathed on the other side of the beach.
What is our reward? Why, it’s the promise of a new dawn, a new day, and a new life in the form of…
Peter the Pilot.
His chipmunk cheeks aren’t as chunky (thanks to a producer-driven CrossFit regimen and low-carb diet) but his “aww shucks” attitude is alive and well. I look forward to twenty-five crazy women and five normal ones who will vie for the heart of this dreamboat.
Katie needs clarity and she thinks she gets it in the fantasy suite when Chris sort of tells her she’s important to him. He goes a step further on the proposal pedestal and before we know it, he’s down on one knee asking if she will be his bride.
This should make us all happy, right? Chris has finally matured enough not to self-sabotage himself out of a relationship!
Hold that thought. Here comes Katie to sit in the hot seat by herself and she is here to tell Our Host Chris Harrison and everyone in the peanut gallery that she…is…exhausted.
She gives and gives and gives and doesn’t get anything in return from Chris. BUT SHE LOVES HIM. Katie is really good at expressing her feelings. Chris is not. BUT SHE LOVES HIM. Even though she’s no longer wearing her engagement ring, SHE LOVES HIM.
When Our Host invites Chris out to the stage, he puts on a good face and kinda, sorta, definitely, maybe says that he might like Katie. He gives her her ring back and they kiss. All is well until we find them behind-the-scenes in the alley way behind the warehouse where the after party is filmed.
Chris is mad. He did not see this coming. He has been blindsided by her exhaustion and is irritated that Katie aired all their dirty laundry. He’s tired of hearing the same thing over and over.
So…you weren’t blindsided?
Chris leaves the set and hitches a ride with a stranger while Katie says, “I knew this would happen.”
That’s the last we heard of them.
“Do you love me?”
Nicole is super excited to get married to Clay. Clay is super anxious to tap the breaks because NicLo is high maintenance with a capital HM. Guess what? He’s not Hundo P in their relationship and he needs time to think.
Nicole refrains from telling the ABC Intern to “hold my hoops” and demands that Clay go think in his own regular room while she watches fireworks from the fantasy suite.
For some reason, they both show up to the proposal pedestal. NicLo recites a long, memorized monolog and ends with a very big question: “Do you love me?”
Crickets have never been more present than in the pregnant pause that followed this inquiry. Clay isn’t ready to drop the L-bomb, but he is willing to take things slow. This annoys Nicole, who claims she deserves love as deep as the ocean and if he’s not ready to get down on one knee this second, she is out.
Cue Nicole leaving Clay at the alter and we never hear from them again.
“I’ve never fought for something I’ve wanted so badly.”
Hannah cuts her dress from the same bolt of fabric Katie used. Then she tells Dylan at the proposal pedestal that she wants her family’s blessing before they get married. I interpreted that as “don’t propose.” Dylan did not.
He promises to leave Paradise and go straight to meet her family. Then he gets down on one knee and proposes with a ring that was way too big for Hannah’s tiny little skinny finger.
Love is alive, y’all. This just may work.
“I found myself in you.”
Kristian helped Demi break down a lot of walls and even though she worries about not being enough, she knows that Kristian is her person. She gets down on one knee and proposes with a fat diamond from Uncle Neil.
Is this fair? Never fear. Uncle Neil gave Kristian a ring to give to Demi, too, so she gets down on one knee at the after party and proposes. Also, Demi thinks Derek is a mighty good man.
“I didn’t do anything malicious.”
Ahh, the intricate web that is Blake and his posse of Stagecoach women. Let’s see if I can unpack this delicate dance of he said/she said.
- Kristina admits that she is friends with benefits with Blake.
- They hook up at Stagecoach.
- She finds out a month later that he was with Caelyn, also at Stagecoach.
- Blake was “surprised by Kristina’s anger” when she attacks him on their date in Paradise.
- The verdict? Kristina was mad that Blake didn’t tell her about Caelyn right away.
- His defense? He doesn’t want to talk about everyone’s sex lives on TV.
- Then there’s this trip to Birmingham where Blake JUST TALKS to Hannah G.
- Lincee’s not buy that story, but whatever.
- He knew that Hannah would hear all about Stagecoach while in Paradise, so he wanted to preempt her concluding that he is a royal chach.
- Caelyn admits that she did like Blake (before Dean and before Tall Conner.)
- At no point did they say they were exclusive, but they did discuss that what they did was “no big deal.”
- Caelyn also admits that her behavior on the beach was emotionally driven and she has taken ownership and apologized for her behavior.
- Blake thinks that everything was fine going into Paradise with all parties.
- He is confused when Caelyn tells everyone that Blake ghosted her after sex.
- This is why he leaked the text messages, even though Caelyn said not to…to show his character.
- The texts prove that Caelyn came onto Blake and that she also was cool with “everything being fine.”
- Caelyn calls BS. The texts “exposed and violated my entire life.”
- Even though Blake feels bad that she was “slut shamed,” he stands by the fact that he did this to show ALL OF BACHELOR NATION that he isn’t a douche canoe.
- The entire cast encourages him to “end on a good note” by apologizing to Caelyn on national television.
- He apologizes for “getting my truth out” and is also sorry that she got attacked.
- PS: That’s not taking ownership.
“It’s a boy!”
All the success stories come out to show that Paradise works and babies are fun. Jade shares her experience birthing her son in the closet. The Goose looks weird without facial hair. And Wells pops out of a cake in a blue onesie, revealing that the gender of Carly and Evan’s baby is indeed a boy.
“I decided I wanted to go after him.”
Tayshia tells Chris Harrison that she made a mistake breaking up with John Paul Jones. So she calls up the producers, hops a plane with a camera man, and “surprises” JPJ at his home in Maryland. He’s very excited for her to be his girlfriend.
There’s a moment on the hot seat when JPJ gets down on one knee, but it’s not to propose. He’s simply reciting Shakespeare, brah.
“I don’t know what I’m doing!”
Peter is back and he’s ready to find love. That’s probably happening now and oddly enough, the cast has been revealed! I’m deep diving people. Let’s find Peter a co-pilot in life!