Cherry popping, toe sucking: This is the Bachelorette

 Uncomfortable.  Cringe-worthy.  Oh no he/she didn’t!


Those are the best descriptions I can come up with to describe last night’s two hour long episode.  And it’s not just the Bachelors…Jillian is right up there with some of the best embarrassing moments or “what in the world?” phrases uttered from this house full of crazy.


Naturally…I loved it.


The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. You probably aren’t even reading this because the simple disclaimer has been a part of my recap since the days I emailed this puppy to just a few of my closer friends. HA! Fooled you. You’ve skipped this amusing mockery and will not know what in the world your friends are talking about when they say, “Did you like the new disclaimer Lincee did?” However, if you or someone on your Facebook page happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying leftover Easter candy or have a Jazzercise instructor that looks exactly like one of the Bachelors on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.


Our Host Chris Harrison, looking adorable in his striped purple shirt, gathers the boys around to ask the group how life is going in the bunk house. 


Someone off camera shouts, “It stinks.  Literally.”


Our Host laughs at the producers wacky ways and then tells the not-so-fresh smelling boys that there will be two one-on-one dates and one group date.  Again…not everyone will get a date, so BE PREPARED.


He then reveals the first one-on-one date card from his back pocket.


An unknown Bachelor wearing specs reads the card. 


First One-On-One Date


“Love Can Be Dangerous”


In the words of Pat Benatar:  Love is a Battlefield


Well…maybe not a battlefield, but love is a long florescent green wire stretched from the top of a building to an adjacent country club pool in downtown Los Angeles.


What do we know about Ed? 


I think one of the posts from the last recap sums it up best.  Jen the Newlywed claims that she would like to cut his LVAT wire and then crawl into his bed with her prom dress and weep on him. 


I’m not sure how your new husband would feel about that Jen, but those of us who are avid watchers of Grey’s Anatomy certainly understand.


Ed reminds us of a younger version of Denny Duquette. 







Isn’t he dreamy?  He seems way normal too, which is a definite plus.  He admits that he is a bit nervous because it’s his first opportunity to spend any time with Jilly, but he’s excited to be alone with her.


We meet Jillian in a field standing by a helicopter.  Ed appears from a forest and she runs like mad at him with an enthusiastic greeting—jumping into his non-awaiting arms.


OK.  We get it Jill.  Your weight has not yet reached three digits.  Good for you.  I understand that because you are a Pocket Person, you probably get picked up inadvertently at times.  This was cute when you were younger, but now is not the time.  Especially when you’ve known the person for five seconds and he is under no obligation to pick you up.  Additionally, he more than likely never expected you to hurl your 98-pound self into his manly chest, so don’t hold it against him that he wasn’t ready to receive this gift.  Ed is no Jason.  There will be no hoisting and twirling. 


Jillian and Ed climb into the helicopter and immediately begin holding hands and rubbing up and down on each other.  She has her other hand in his lap.  He has his other hand around her shoulders.  Jillian remembers that the last time she was in a helicopter was with Jason.  And now she is with big, strong, bulky, hunky Ed and it’s totally different. 


Ed can’t decide if he’s supposed to be looking at Jillian or the scenery outside.  One thing he does know is that they are on the same wave length.  One thing Jillian knows is that there is definite chemistry.  One thing that Lincee knows is that she had to rewind the whole date because she wasn’t listening out of boredom and wondered if her IHGB readers would care if she skipped this part.


The chopper lands on a building.  Ed begins to get a little nervous as Jillian hops out and tells him that she loves adrenaline.  She drags him to the edge of the building and points to long green wires.  She tells him that the zip line is the only way down.


Ed physically appears that he may throw up and admits that he is typically more spontaneous than adventurous. 


Ed:  “I’ve never ever heard of this and I don’t know if it is legal.  But I can’t let Jillian know that I’m scared.  And Lord help me if Crazy David ever found out that I screamed like a girl.  As a card carrying member of the Man Card Police, he would definitely have my head and make me sleep next to Qwahn back at the bunk house.”


There are a total of 19 people harnessing, tying, roping, knotting and generally rigging clips and buckles to all of Jillian’s and Ed’s appendages.  Jill is calm and laughing and Ed tells the camera that this relaxed him a bit as the team of death defyers lower him down onto the green wire. 


I expected them to zip on down to the awaiting cabana boy holding two fresh piña coladas with zeal.  However, they sort of crept down the line inch-by-inch at an alarmingly slow pace.  Jillian said this was romantic in a weird kind of way. 


Whatever floats your boat sister.


At the pool, Ed and Jilly hold hands and jump in.  They talk about how they conquered their fears together and marveled at how easy the conversation was with each other.  Ed leans in to make his move.  Being a gentleman, he decided now was not the time to stick his tongue down her throat, but Jillian pulled him in for a more forceful make out session. 


Jillian tells the camera that Ed is extremely sexy and “he’s going to take care of little ole me.”


Again.  We get it.  You are tiny.  Geez.


Ed and Jillian, sporting an abstract half long sleeve/turtleneck black number, return to the roof to toast the fact that Jillian popped Ed’s helicopter cherry.


I rewound three times.  She actually said that.  We will discuss no further.


Ed rambles on about some hole-in-the-wall place he likes to drink beer and sing Elton John karaoke.  He gets serious and tells her that he has a hard time balancing work and personal stuff. 


Jill senses a red flag and asks him if he is ALL about his career.


Ed:  “I want to be very stable and secure when I’m ready to have a family.  I do like you a lot and everything about you.  You fit what I’m looking for and it means a lot to me to be here with you.”


Jillian began mumbling another question and then admitted to Ed that he took away her thoughts.  Then they made out again.


Ed is cute.  Ed is safe.  I hope that there is more to Ed.  Soon. 


Group Date












“Show Me the Good, Bad and Ugly”


In the words of Sixpence None the Richer:  Kiss Me


The majority of boys in this group are certainly residents of Crazy Town, but there are moments that are so cute and endearing to me.  For one, ROBBY D!!!  Every time they say this dude’s name, it is enthusiastic with three exclamation marks.  That makes me know that he’s a cool dude.


The other is the HEY OHHHH! interjection that is often heard throughout the bunk house. 


Someone gets a kiss from Jillian:  HEY OHHHH!

Someone gets called out by another guy:  HEY OHHHH!

And in this case, the date card arrives:  HEY OHHHH!


As the boys are celebrating their pending date, two strangers enter the bunk house.  I have to admit that I became frustrated with ABC at first, thinking, “Who are these random Bachelors that keep popping up?  It’s as if I’ve never seen these two before!  And why are they dressed all in black like tech guys who run the smoke machine and spot light in a high school theater production?”


It’s because they ARE tech guys.  ABC tech guys.  I’m assuming the younger cute one was the intern.  At least they didn’t have scary faces like the bouncer from last year.


The pair mysteriously enter the house and grab all of Ed’s belongings.  The other boys watch as they schlep his stuff up to the mansion.  It was the first time that Crazy David looked like he wanted to kill someone. 


So here we are.  The uncomfortable part of the recap.  You knew it was coming.  You knew that I would have a fit because it was a group acting scenario.  You knew that I would have good details because I watched the majority of the segment from the other room because I couldn’t even stomach to hide behind the couch cushion.  I think it’s best to narrow this appalling section down to a Top 10 list.  Here we go:


Top 10 Moments from The Bachelorette’s Recreation of Back to the Future III


10.       The costumes

Out of 11 dudes and one Bacheorette, there were probably six scenes.  Jillian changed her attire in each one…each a little more hideous than the one before.  And yes…the red and white gingham prairie dress was as awful as we imagined it would be.  But nothing could compare to Fetish’s Flintstone Cowboy outfit.  It was a joke.  And sadly, this crazy cat could not just embrace the satire.  The script called for someone to wear furry leopard chaps.  Who better than Fetish?  I see nothing wrong with this scenario. 


9.         Who’s that guy?

The dude you don’t know is Mark the Pizza Entrepreneur.   You are welcome.


8.         There are no words

Brad and the other guy you don’t know (who turns out to be Tanner) have a fight scene.  Brad is “the drifter” and comes in the Old West town to raise some hell.  There are broken bottles, bodies flying out of swinging doors and fake punches thrown left and right.  In the end, Jillian must run to Brad and thank him for saving her life. 


She kisses him.  Jillian kisses Brad.  She grabs him and gives him a big kiss.


(My face is getting red as I remember the moment.)


And Brad just stands there.  No arms.  No movement of the head.  I’m going to go ahead and say that I’m 100% sure there was zero tongue. 


So I feel sorry for the guy right?  I mean, maybe he has never had a girlfriend?  Maybe he had stage fright?  Maybe he felt the drifter would not be responsive to the bar maid and he was using the Strasberg method?


But then he tells the camera that he was, and I quote, “…and ultra bad ass.”


After picking myself up off the floor from where I landed in a puddle laughing, I was forced to return to that puddle after hearing Michael admit that it was one of the most awkward things he had ever seen in his entire life.  And then I began wiping away the tears when Fetish compared the act to Brad kissing his sister and proclaimed it the worst kiss since 1988. 


I know he has a creepy foot fetish, but I love that this guy ENTERTAINS me!


ABC decides to show Jillian’s talents by introducing a short kissing montage of all the make out sessions thus far.  Apparently, the producers needed a set-up for


7.         ROBBY D!!! 

Sweet ROBBY D!!! admits that it has been a while since he’s kissed a girl.  The boys can tell he’s nervous, but he is determined to really kiss Jillian.  He’s a poor boy with nothing but a bandana full of dreams on the end of a stick.  She’s a rich girl with ginormous sunburst earrings.  He promises to get her gold so he can one day marry her.  Then he picks her up and kisses her with true passion. 


Jillian later reveals that ROBBY D!!!’s kiss was the best.  I’m assuming it’s because he picked her up and twirled her.  We shall see in time.  She admits that it was genuine and warm and confesses that she would love to get to know him better.


6.         Did you know that they say that love don’t come easy?

According to Wes, they say that love don’t come easy.  So you have to take the bull by the horns.  You have to make hay while the sun is shining.  You have to get while the getting’ is good.  He grabs Jillian in the middle of the Old West town and drags her to the blacksmith foe exterior.  After reminding her that he has yet to finish his song about how they say that love don’t come easy, he confesses that he hates the other guys kissing all over her in this Old West town.  He tells her that he will kiss her on the cheek and save the REAL kissing for later.  Jillian giggles to the camera and says that his jealousy is so sweet and that it’s adorable how Wes thinks she belongs to him.


Huh.  Where I come from we call that MAYDAY MAYDAY MAYDAY!


5.         Brokeback Mountain

Break dancer Michael and Big Mike are asked to be gay lovers in the Old West.  Michael announced to the crowd that he wants everyone to know that he prefers women.  Wes heckles and tries to get the two to make out.  HEY OHHHH!  Jillian was proud of the way they handled themselves in a very awkward position. 


On a side note, I think Jillian felt like a tool in her outfit.  She must have made a face or something, but it’s in my notes so I’m going to write it.


4.         The roof is the new hot tub

What’s the deal with Jillian always wanting to be on a roof?  That’s where the wrap party was located.


3.         Do we think Reid is hot?  I’m not quite on that train…

Jillian and Reid are hanging out in the bio dome when he learns that from the moment she saw him, she thought he was hot.  (For me…that was Kiptynite, but this isn’t about me, is it?)  She asks about his exes and he tells her that he has only been in love one and a half times in his life.  I have no idea what that means, but I found it sort of cute that he was nervous about kissing her and he admitted that it made him awkward.  Just as he is about to muster up the courage, Qwahn jock blocks him and takes Jillian away. 


2.         Toes

All 12 people get into a tiny little hot tub and almost immediately, Fetish grabs Jillian’s feet and starts rubbing his face all over them.  He straight up looks orgasmic with her toes being that close to his lips before realizing that others can see him and now might not be the time to pop one of those bad boys in his mouth.


1.         Sweaty water

I can’t stand seeing hot tub water slap and slosh up against armpit hair.  No offense to ROBBY D!!!, but when she gave him that rose and he so sweetly held it above water by the tiny little stem, all I could see was stringy, wet armpit hair in sweaty water.  I just threw up in my mouth.  No joke.  HEY OHHHH!



Second One-On-One Date


“Get Your Motor Runnin’”


In the words of Wolfmother:  White Unicorn (yeah…I looked unicorn up on iTunes)


Sasha:  “I am super pumped that I get one-on-one time with Jillian tonight.  I’m one of the more well-rounded individuals in the house.  I kind of think of it as they are sheep and I’m the wolf.  I will never follow the herd.  I’m always looking for my mythical unicorn.”


Dear reader—that is word-for-word what Sasha actually said. 


All together:  BLESS HIS HEART!


And then we see that Jillian is wearing a denim jumper!


Together again:  BLESS HER HEART!


Jillian tells the camera that she loves anything with a motor.  I myself laughed at that remark, but whatever.  Instead of professionally touring the motor museum, Sasha decides to take pin-up girl pictures of Jillian on all the different famous cars.  Then we were treated to a photo gallery of all the shots. 


I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich at this time.


After the shoot, Jillian takes him, you guessed it, on the roof to pick a car to drive around downtown Los Angeles.  His choices are Model T. Ford or a brand new Ferrari.  He chooses wisely.


Sasha drives like a maniac and this thrills Jill, because let’s face it…he ain’t much in the talking department and home boy has hardly even attempted to kiss her or pick her up. 


Back at the museum, they eat dinner in front of the Batmobile and Jillian learns that Sash was in a terrible car accident and should not be alive.  This moves Jillian to tears because how low is she going to look when she sends this pretty boy home on the bus? 


Jillian tells Sasha that she needs someone who has been broken hearted and through the storms of life.  Sasha feels that she is pulling away and decides now is the best time to introduce his unicorn theory.  Wait.  I’m sorry.  His mythical unicorn theory.


Oh Sasha.


Jillian pats him on the head and tells him that she will never have a horn growing out of her forehead, but thanks for playing.  She walks him to the bus station outside.  She feels bad as he is carted off and gives Cesar the limo driver the rose she was holding in her hand.  Sasha feels that this was a bad dream and is surprised how hurt he is.  But he is glad that he is being humbled.


Meanwhile, back at the bunk house, Wes is schooling all the other Bachelors on how they say love don’t come easy.  Tanner looks bored and Mike is yawning.  An unidentified other Bachelor has challenged Wes to a guitar duel, but we barely saw his face.  I’m assuming Wes slipped the ABC cameraman a Benjamin to keep him out of the shot. 


Just as he is about to start the second verse that no one has ever laid ears on to the soon-to-be-hit “They Say That Love Don’t Come Easy,” our mysterious baggage boys file into the bunk house, grab Sasha’s things and hoist them into an unmarked vehicle. 


As the boys celebrate Sasha’s vote off the island (HEY OHHHH!) Wes motions for the cameraman to follow him to Jillian’s balcony. 


He begins to serenade her with the ALL TO FAMILIAR lyrics of “They Say That Love Don’t Come Easy,” and Jillian wanders out and dreamily smiles down at her Romeo.  She invites him up to finish the song.  We internally invite him to finish the song as well.  And then they make out before he sings it to her one more time just in case the wives of the executives over at Atlantic Records are watching.


Jilly tells the camera that she is falling for Wes because he writes her songs. 


I think it’s time for Qwahn to bust out his poetry. 



Rose Ceremony


It’s margarita night at the mans and things are getting hot!  Sasha’s departure has sent trembles through the souls of those remaining in the bunk house.  Wes makes sure to hug or pee on Jillian immediately when she walks through the door.  Qwahn makes sure to hold the train of her dress so it doesn’t get dirty.  And David makes sure to freshen his drink because it’s going to be a long night.


Reid is first up.  He just needs a kiss to break the ice.  And it happens for him.  You go Reid.  She thought it was slow and romantic and asks him to hang in there for her. 


Cut to David freaking out.

“I’m so jealous.  I’m in the top three of the least time spent with Jillian.”


As if on cue, Jill comes in the room and grabs him.  She wants to see if the spark is still there from the first impression rose.  I’m not sure if it is still there, but I’d be willing to bet that the stale smell of bourbon is still there.  Crazy David is a bit of an angry drunk.


David talks about how he doesn’t like to share and that he’s not used to not being first or number one or the best of the best.  He’s about to throw Bachelors under the bus one-by-one when Qwahn saunters up to rescue Jillian with a fresh wine spritzer and magenta pashmina to match her silver gown.


Qwahn thinks of EVERYTHING!


Crazy David freaks out.  (Note to reader…I will be writing this sentence a lot.)


Qwahn tells her that her eyes are pretty and that he loves her in her hoodie and sweat pants.  Then he speaks in Spanish and French braids her hair.  Jillian knows that Qwahn is here for the right reasons and doesn’t get distracted by those other silly boys.


Crazy David freaks out and begins re-living how Qwahn never takes a shot like a man.  He admits to the camera that something inside of him will not let that go.


You think?


And then there’s Fetish. 


“I’m a basic guy from Dallas and have no skills.  I’m just here to suck on some toes and to meet some Jillian.  I want to know her before the feet.”


[Crickets chirping]


Then he corners Jillian and she places her feet in his lap.  It’s like she knows that’s where they are going to end up anyway, so why not be aggressive.  Unfortunately, this distracts Fetish from normal conversation. 


Fetish to the camera:  “I want to suck on her toes.  I want to kiss, suck, touch, rub, feel, tweeze…I’m in love with them!”


[Crickets chirping]


David freaks out and begins to sport the crazy eyes.  Reid concludes that he is about to kill someone before he downs his drink.  The ABC Psychotherapist is paged and the intern is told to follow Crazy David and report any unusual behavior to Our Host Chris Harrison.


Brad, still basking in his bad assyness, asks David if he is okay. 


Crazy David:  “No I’m not okay.  Qwahn is a tool.  I need to tell everyone.”


Then he picks a fight with the guy you can never remember his name who turns out to be Pizza Mark.  He calls him a coward and then tells Qwahn to go back inside when he attempts to join the group.


FINALLY, the camera catches up with Kiptynite and Jillian.  He asks her if things are good, because he feels she is pulling away.  Jill reminds him that he told her he was always the one to break the hearts in relationships and she’s afraid of getting involved with him.  He uses his Superman powers and moves in for the passionate kiss.  Afterwards, Jill says that she feels natural around Kip and that she gets butterflies. 


Lincee says that he has great abs and wonders why is his shirt on all the time? 


Crazy David freaks out at Qwahn again, but this time Qwahn doesn’t back down.  Dave is clearly drunk and for some reason, he calls Qwahn a cheese ass.  Then he rants and raves about how he is a man standing there manly. 


And ROBBY D!!! agrees with all that Crazy Dave is saying. 


Something is up readers.  I trust ROBBY D!!!


The boys are gathered inside and Our Host Chris Harrison clinks his whiskey glass and escorts Jillian into the Pier One Bookcase deliberation room.  I don’t know what they were talking about because Kiptyonite’s photo was right behind Jilly’s head and I kept daydreaming about that. 




Roses go to:

Ed the cutie


Jake the pilot

Reid the dark horse

Mark (the pizza guy, remember?)

Jesse  (no clue)


They Say That Love Don’t Come Easy


Michael the break dancer


Big Mike

Crazy David


Jillian says goodbye to Bad Ass Brad and the other dude we don’t know.


Next week, Jilly takes the boys back home to Vancouver.  It looks like Kiptynite is going to get busy in the kitchen and Crazy David is going to be denied a kiss.




Oh…and it is revealed that some of the boys have girlfriends.  Who do you think it is?  Sound off below!


All about the fame, not the shame,



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June 2, 2009 5:54 pm

From the moment our Jilly exclaimed that she “LOVES helicopter rides” as if she does this often, I knew we were in for a good time last night! What an episode! Fantastic material for Lincee to work with, and as always, she did not disappoint!!!:)

June 2, 2009 6:08 pm

I kept forgetting about pizza guy and Jesse. Jesse is the one who makes wine. She is smart to keep him around just for that reason at this point. Lincee, I’m with you (and Jillian) on Kiptyn. When he smiles, everything else is forgotten. As for the supposed boyfriends? Who the hell knows. I’m just pretty sure it’s NOT crazy dave. Cause who would date him and his crazy drunk eye twitch? Thanks for the laughs as usual…

June 2, 2009 6:16 pm

Great recap, as always! I always forget about pizza guy and wine guy, but I know I love wine guy…just for the simple fact that I love wine.
Girlfriends…hmmm my guesses are Jake (sad because he can two step, but it looks like he’s trying to defend himself in the preview), Michael-who looks a lot like Andy Roddick, I realized that today when I saw a picture of Andy Roddick and thought it was Michael. and Mike because he is involved with baseball in some way, and in my experience baseball players are, well, players.

witchy woman
witchy woman
June 2, 2009 6:23 pm

The show and recap NEVER disappoint! Did anyone notice the random ferris wheel on the mansion grounds (a la Michael Jackson) before the helicopter ride? Does ANYONE see our gal Jill looking like a young Debra Winger?

Thanks Lince!

June 2, 2009 6:23 pm

Lincee, hands down my favorite lines tonight:

Ed: “I’ve never ever heard of this and I don’t know if it is legal. But I can’t let Jillian know that I’m scared. And Lord help me if Crazy David ever found out that I screamed like a girl. As a card carrying member of the Man Card Police, he would definitely have my head and make me sleep next to Qwahn back at the bunk house.”

hahahahaha. Love it.

I think the guy who has a girlfriend is either wes or michael. both kinda seem Jilly certainly needs a lesson in Man Bullshitters, that’s for sure.

June 2, 2009 6:25 pm

I’m going to make a crazy guess and say that Wes has a girlfriend. Great recap as always.

June 2, 2009 6:26 pm

Thanks for the reminding us who Jesse is, KCJodee. I’m fuzzy on Big Mike as well…is he the one who needs a haircut? Like the rest of you, I’m sooooo over Wes. They say love don’t come easy to asses who are cheezy. Thanks for another hilarious recap Lincee!

June 2, 2009 6:26 pm

Ed is so dorky, but I love him.

And I still like Kip, and Reid, too.

Dave and Wes, however? MUST GO. And Juan, too, because while I do NOT like Dave or his crazy drunkenness (and not the good crazy), he is totally right about Juan. Something is just… off.

I am so glad she sent Sasha home when she knew he wasn’t for her. Good for you, girl! Now, let’s work on you seeing through the slightly cute twang but lame ass song to see the douchebag that is Wes.

June 2, 2009 6:27 pm

Oops, I meant, “Thanks for reminding us…”

June 2, 2009 6:31 pm

KLou said: They say love don’t come easy to asses who are cheezy.


June 2, 2009 6:32 pm

Thanks for watching that for us Lincee!! I tried to watch parts of it, but it was so boring . . . It was much more fun to just read your recap (and save myself 2 hrs). Thanks again.

June 2, 2009 6:45 pm

Hey Lincee I noticed the random guitar guy playing – it was just a flash but I think it was Reid the dark horse. Imagine Wes’s depression when he realized he was not the only guitar player on set! He must have forgot to put that in his contract!

June 2, 2009 6:54 pm

witchy woman – I totally see Jilly as a young Debra Winger. I think I said that last season too 🙂

June 2, 2009 6:57 pm

OMG, I cannot get enough of Lincee’s recaps. LMAO!

Does anyone think that Crazy David looks like The Rock? It just makes him look that much crazier…

June 2, 2009 6:59 pm

Lincee, i have been reading your recaps the past few seasons and only wish I had come across it sooner! And let me just say that my name could have just as easily have been “OurHostChrisHarrisonForever”. Does anyone else read his blogs? Love him. Lincee can you get him to give you a shout out? I love this season already. Ed is adorable. And I’m also liking Michael, Robby D, Jake and maybe Mark. And of course Kyptonite. Fetish is pretty funny too. Juan comes across as a little too intense and how has Jillian not realized how crazy David is yet? Wes is the worst. Why won’t ABC let us hear the rest of his lyrics?! I wanted to throw something at the TV the 5th time the wouldn’t give us the second line to that song.
And sending Sasha home on the bus? That was rough. I mean come on ABC, that was way harsh.
Can’t wait for next week!

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