Dancing with a Farmer
Here’s a fun fact: Any time I sit down in front of my television to watch something that is directly or indirectly associated with The Bachelor franchise, I have to pencil in a two-hour block in my calendar. Good times.
If you know me at all, you know that I love to dance. I started dancing at five-years-old and I haven’t stopped since. Most of the time it’s to the beat of my own drummer, but it still counts. I am an avid fan of So You Think You Can Dance and Dancing With The Stars, so I’m sort of like a professional.
I’ll be honest with you. The Farmer is not horrible. He’s actually got rhythm, which makes him leaps and bounds beyond some of his fellow contestants! I think he will be around for at least the next several weeks. Grab your boots and glittery vests. We are in this for the long haul!
Here’s what you need to know about the season 20 premiere performance:
Contestant: The Farmer
Professional: Witney (the dancer, not the fiance)
Career: Entourage of Our Host Chris Harrison
What Worked: “Footloose” was a wise song choice. There’s a weird Kenny Loggins strand in our DNA that prohibits all human beings from remaining still when the song is played. It’s infectious. Witney has her work cut out for her since The Farmer has never danced in his life. It’s a good thing they have a pimped out barn/dance studio on the back 400. I went into the performance with low expectations, but his booty shake and charisma sucked me in immediately. That shot of Harrison in the audience didn’t hurt either. You go Farmer!
What Didn’t Work: His still hanging on to the dolphin laugh. He sported a headband (we know he’s a sweater, so that might have been a good call) and he rocked a major white man overbite. Otherwise, I liked it!
Career: Half of the musical mystery known as LMFAO
What Worked: RedFoo was able to pimp his own song by dancing to “Juicy Wiggle.” This is was we call “free publicity” in the entertainment business.
What Didn’t Work: His footwork. His glasses. His constant open mouth. His footwork again. I appreciate his wacky sense of style, but soccer moms everywhere will vote on the former gold medalist before this crazy dude.
Career: She is Katniss Everdeen’s sister, Prim
What Worked: Her pink outfit was sparkly and she definitely made the skirt work for her. She opened her mouth the entire time. You know the one—the surprise face plastered on every cheerleader in a national competition this side of the Mississippi. Mark kept reminding the audience that she is only 14. She’s the youngest competitor to date and he plans on milking that until the cows come home. Her eyebrows look a lot better than they did in the movie, so that’s a plus. She has a lot of potential to be a dark horse, making it to the very end.
What Didn’t Work: The extremely lame Hunger Games spoof at the beginning.
Career: Former combat war veteran
What Worked: Noah may not have a left arm or left leg, but his right side is stellar. I’m not sure how he was able to fling Shana around like he did, but I’m guessing his core and right bicep has something to do with it. He could flash that smile and those dimples and I’d watch all the live long day. I teared up a bit when he admitted that he didn’t want people to think of him as the guy without an arm and a leg. Which brings me to…
What Didn’t Work: The song choice was inspirational. Normally that wouldn’t have bothered me, but after he just asked that we not label him as the one armed one leg guy, Shana picks a song that pulls at those exact heartstrings. A sweet love song would have been just as powerful. See RUMER WILLIS.
Career: Actor, daughter of famous parents
What Worked: Everything worked. She may look fierce in that picture, but she has a soft side that is bullied by a perfectionist work ethic. Her dress was divine, her look was flawless and she owned the stage. Once again, song choice was a huge factor. “Take Me To Church” was on point. I will forever root for Val to win because I think he’s talented and committed to his partners. Also, he’s hotter than crap.
What Didn’t Work: I can’t stand that part in the show where Tom says, “Coming up…Val and Rumer take the stage!” and the couple is supposed to mug with the camera. It’s always so awkward. Rumer went to the official “duck face” lip pose one might see if you search any young girl’s Instagram account right now. That has got to stop. In addition, my butt clenched when I saw Demi and Bruce in the audience together—both with their much younger significant others. I hope we can keep the peace for the sake of the ballroom!
Career: Three’s Company and peddler of thighmasters
What Worked: Nothing. Nothing worked.
What Didn’t Work: I am so disappointed with Tony. I know they give him all contestants over the age of 60 each season, but he could have done something more with Suzanne than sticking her in a sequined turquoise leotard and toast tights. He looked like a hot mess too! Plus, he kept shouting out her age every chance he got. Yes she looks great for 68. STOP SAYING HER AGE! It’s like the time I was at the New Kids on the Block concert a few years ago and Joey kept thanking us for sticking around with them for more than 20 years. No one needs to be reminded of that.
Contestant: Queen Patti
Career: Pick a Grammy. Any Grammy.
What Worked: No one knows how hold Queen Patti is and that’s how it should be. Artem was smart enough to focus on her dazzling smile and stage presence. Sure he danced circles around her as she regally waved to the audience, but at least we aren’t blessing her heart like Suzanne at this point. She looked gorgeous. Artem looked smoldering. She was extremely humble during her critic. I can tell she’s having a ball.
What Didn’t Work: Len telling Patti that she rang his bell.
What Did Work: Tom telling Patti, “That’s one rusty bell.”
Career: Shark Tank Dude
What Worked: Robert has a ton of energy and a ton of money to buy some legit hair plugs.
What Didn’t Work: I think Kym has a thing for Robert’s Ferrari and Robert’s private plane. The fact that he constantly picked her up during and after their critic makes me think that Robert has a thing for Kym. I don’t think he will last long, even though he’s not a bad dancer.
Career: We are supposed to know her from her Super Bowl commercial
What Worked: Her boobs.
What Didn’t Work: Her boobs.
Career: First openly gay athlete to be drafted into the NFL
What Worked: They song choice “Uptown Funk” was brilliant. That thing puts people in a happy mood without even trying. Michael has a great smile. Bruno thinks his butt is a work of art. Winning.
What Didn’t Work: He is stiff, stiff, stiff. Only one athlete who has done this show hasn’t been stiff. (I’m looking at you Emmitt Smith.) Peta will definitely whip him into shape, but he won’t win.
Career: Bass player in R5 (I’m told they are sort of like One Direction or New Kids on the Block, depending on your generation)
What Worked: Riker is young and cute and will probably get a fair share of the tween vote.
What Didn’t Work: I just need a pair of scissors so I can snip that bit that always falls into his face. It will only take a second.
Career: She won a lot of gold medals in gymnastics
What Worked: Derek is a master of choreography. They looked beautiful. Their dance was smooth as silk. She will do well.
What Didn’t Work: Like many gymnasts, her smile seems to be a serious version of itself. She needs to relax a bit and let loose. But gymnasts don’t know how to do that. I also didn’t like the high kick line that joined them at the end. How is it fair that some contestants have backup dancers? That feels very “smoke and mirrors” to me.
What did you think? Does The Farmer have what it takes to stick around for a while? Are you on Team Val-Rumer? Valumer? Sound off in the comments section!