‘Dancing with the Stars’ reap: Era Night

Dancing with the Stars

Tom Bergeron is hilarious. I would share dinner with him if given the opportunity. (If anyone can make that happen, call me.) I love how he opens the show with this gem:

“Get ready for a spray tan tour through time!”

And follows up with this:

“Sasha gets out of the crab outfit to dance with Nastia!”

There were black and white montages, strange ninja warriors and enough exposed female sternums for me to assume that this episode must be sponsored by Heart Surgeons of America. Welcome to the Dancing with the Stars recap! Let’s break down the dances.

Riker and Allison

Riker is pumped that he and Allison are considered frontrunners in the competition. Yet all he wants is a 10 from crotchety Len Goodman. Allison thinks the best way to achieve this goal is to dress as a flapper who storms the field at a baseball game to quickstep around the bases with Riker. I was a touch bored, until they started tapping. Then things really got fun. Len couldn’t contain himself and awarded the first 10 of the season. The other judges didn’t agree at all.
Score: A respectable 37

Chris and Witney

Witney told Chris that he needs to put the fear of being voted off into this dance, because it could happen tonight. Yay for encouragement! He’s a sailor at a train station, asking the pretty blonde for one dance before he’s shipped off to war. Well, Chris and three other dudes doing the same thing, but who’s counting. It was billowy and fun. The judges LOVED it.
Score: 31

Rumer and Val

First of all, when did Bruce Willis become an old man? Second, when did Demi become a plastic woman? Val gives Rumer whiplash and she cries. She’s clearly overtired. Then Val choreographs a routine where (again) a ton of boys are dancing around a beauty salon with brooms. Should we be concerned that there is that much hair on the ground to require so many janitors? Rumer was fine, but the dance was the slowest jive I’ve ever seen. Val does so much better in the Latin dances. Rumer’s glitter bloomers were my favorite part. That’s not weird.
Score: 35

Dancing with the StarsNastia and Sasha
Modern Charleston

I’m calling UNFAIR on this entire dance. First of all, why did they get a LIVE performance from an actual musician? And what era exactly is “Modern Charleston?” Derek broke his toe and then sprained his ankle earlier in the week. He SHOULD be out, but Derek doesn’t know how to relinquish the spotlight. Instead of choreographing a routine for Nastia and Sasha, he inserts himself (and 30 other people) into the dance. There’s lots of sitting choreography, where Derek is front and center. Then Nastia and Sasha get up to dance together. And by dance, I mean a ton of body rolls. I guess this is the “modern” part of Charleston. They keep returning to the bench so Derek can shine. Then there’s a weird slo-mo part that felt odd. Finally, Derek lets Nastia and Sasha dance again, but he stands up on his subway seat and starts SINGING with Andy Grammer, the live performer. How in the world is all of that fair?
Score: 38

Noah and Sharna

Noah started the routine with a pimp cane. He was the leader of a gang. A gang of hippies. There was a lot of pelvic thrusting by all 90 people on stage. Sharna’s Afro was a work of art. And I kind of wish Noah hadn’t ditched the cane. With that said, this was the first time I noticed how Sharna choreographs routines where she (and her league of backups) only use one arm. I assume she does this to provide uniformity with Noah’s lack of limb. Was it the best dance? Nah. But it was entertaining.
Score: 36

Robert and Kym
Argentine Tango

You can tell that this schedule is taking its toll on Robert. The Shark is tired. He does perk up when Kym mentions that the Argentine tango is a sexy, passionate dance. This is code for: You can grab my boob (twice) and it’s okay because it’s a sexy, passionate dance. Kym covered up Roberts awkwardness with back lighting and tons of smoke. But then she hoisted herself up on a tall pedestal. I was confused at first, but then realized that this position gave her the best advantage to mount Robert “chicken fight” style, but backwards. Meaning, her crotch was in his face. He swooped her down awkwardly where she somehow ended up on the floor. How this was 80s is beyond me. I see no day-glo attire. I see no crimping iron.
Score: 31

Dancing with the StarsWillow and Mark
Futuristic Jazz Routine

What the crap does that mean? I’m glad you asked. Apparently in the future, we are all going to be ninjas. We are going to do a ton of rib isolations, balancing on one foot and then we’ll be pulled by string from one end of the floor to the other. Oh, and we’ll be wearing Hammer pants. Because everyone knows that eventually, even bad fashion comes back to haunt us.
Score: 37

Since Nastia and Sharna Derek had the highest score, they won immunity. They are safe from the dance-off. Riker and Allison are next in line, so they pick Willow and Mark as their competitors. Willow chooses salsa as the dance. She and Allison strip off their skirts to reveal Latin attire underneath.

Allison and Riker own the stage. They are both talented. Willow and Mark have their work cut out for them. Although their dance was fine, all I could think about was how I wanted to give Willow a rubber band for her hair and how I wanted to put more clothes on THE 14-YEAR-OLD GIRL. Even with all the thrusting and weird crotch twirly thing, Willow and Mark received the judges vote. RECALL!

Noah and Sharna chose to dance-off with Kym and Robert. Once again, Robert’s roving hands find Kym’s boobs during their cha-cha. Noah and Sharna were mediocre. There was a tie among the judges, so the winning vote comes from Sir Len. Congratulations to Noah and Sharna!

Rumer and Val glided across the floor during their foxtrot with ease. Chris looked like he was going to throw up all over Witney. I’m not sure who the judges picked because I probably fast forwarded through this part and I’m not invested enough to go back and look.

Tom gathers everyone on stage to turn on the red light of doom. One by one mouths drop open in shock as Robert and Chris are announced as saved. In the end, it’s Rumer and Willow who have a crimson hue cast over them. Tom pauses for five minutes before he lets the world know that the odds were not in Primrose’s favor.

Sweet Willow cries like a little girl. Probably because SHE IS ONE. Papa Tom gives her a hug and Mark cradles her in his ninja arms with a look of seething anger.

America will pay for this lapse in judgement.

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April 28, 2015 3:17 pm

I’m SO with you on Derek. I can’t stand him and his attention-whoring ways. Ugh ugh ugh. How convenient that Nastia and Sasha were safe from the dance-off. Boooo. I have a feeling they’re going to win, like it was a stipulation Derek made when he agreed to come back. Barf.

But I do love me some Tom Bergeron!

April 28, 2015 5:24 pm
Reply to  Jessica

I think Rumer and Riker will give them a run for their money!

April 28, 2015 8:17 pm
Reply to  Jessica

Jessica, I couldn’t agree with you more!! I really don’t like how things are always tailored for the golden boy. It’s so obvious and really getting out of hand. And don’t get me started on the fact that his sister is a judge…. cause that’s totally fair, right?!

April 29, 2015 6:28 am
Reply to  Cathy

I totally agree. Just so tired of the Hough clan. They can do no wrong. I was so happy when I heard Derek was NOT going to be on this season. Then, horror of horrors…he’s baaack. They definitely make everything go in his favor. I am so tired of seeing him shirtless, too. I always feel like I am looking at a little boy trying to be a big man. It is not working for me.

April 28, 2015 3:25 pm

Another classic recap. While I love this show, I’m tired of all the dances feeling like the freestyle in the finals. Everything is a friggin’ production now. Could these couples just DANCE please?? The best number in the whole show was the opening to “Anything Goes” – classic dancing and costumes, and no smoke machine or beauty parlor or train station for miles.

How the Farmer and Shark boy made it through again is beyond me. I have nothing against them but Farmer looks beyond done with all of this and Ken’s dad, I mean Robert can only rely on his smile so much longer. Missed the boob grabbing – darn.

Fave lines:
“What the crap does that mean?”
“Because SHE IS ONE”
“First of all, when did Bruce Willis become an old man? Second, when did Demi become a plastic woman?”

Thanks for taking the time to recap Lincee – only 3 more weeks til the Bach’ette craziness ensues!!!

April 28, 2015 5:26 pm
Reply to  DCGirl

I agree DCGirl! No more trains and beauty shops!

April 28, 2015 4:35 pm

This show without Tom Bergeron and his ad libs would be boring. I just love him. Lincey, if you score a lunch date with him, please take me along!
I admit Derek is very talented as a dancer and choreographer but the boy just can’t relinquish the limelight for just one second. O.K. for him to help choreograph their dance, but he should have stayed behind the curtain and let Sasha and Nastia dance. He can’t win this time, Geeesh, he’s already won 5 times already!!!!
I am a team Ryker all the way. He should have picked the Farmer for the dance off, they would have won hands down.
When is Noah going home? Don’t get me wrong, I admire him very much but he is NOT dancing. Sharna dumbs down all the choreographies for him and he still can’t keep up. He sort of shuffles through the dance floor while she dances all around him. If they win I will be very upset. Didn’t get why Carrie Ann was so blown away by his dance, what did she see the rest of us didn’t?

April 28, 2015 5:27 pm
Reply to  Liana

I’m calling it: Derek won’t win.

CO Kathleen
CO Kathleen
April 28, 2015 4:59 pm

I agree with you DCGirl…the dances are just soooo over-worked this season. It’s hard to even tell what style of dance they’re doing at times or even find the actual star among all the extras brought in to dance alongside them. If it’s “all-out” now I can’t imagine what the final freestyles will be like!

I like Derek but his injury and being off from his show in NY gave him way too much time to choreograph this week and he got carried away putting himself everywhere in that darn number. It seems like it’s a curse to be his partner these days.

Oh Mark, wish he would just settle down a bit. Seems he is always trying to make a “statement dance” that he’s becoming the equivalent of “statement necklaces” in the Bachelor shows.

Thanks Lincee, my favorite line was about Bruce looking old and Demi looking plastic!

April 28, 2015 5:28 pm

Mark IS the statement necklace! I’m dying over here!

CO Kathleen
CO Kathleen
April 28, 2015 5:42 pm
Reply to  Lincee

Too funny!

April 28, 2015 7:23 pm

I agree with you, Lincee! The dances have too many “extras” in them now, so it’s hard to focus on the couple who are actually being judged. Derek really needs to step back; it’s bad enough that his sister is a judge, and it just plain wasn’t fair that they got a live musician to sing with their routine. Clearly I’m overthinking this silly show! At least we have Tom!

May 3, 2015 4:38 pm
Reply to  Elizabeth

If you’re over thinking, then I’m DEFINITELY over thinking Elizabeth! I agree with everything you said!

April 28, 2015 7:29 pm

I could not believe how hard Kim slammed her crotch into the Sharks face!! She almost knocked his teeth out…It had to hurt!!

I laughed out loud at the line – Oh, and we’ll be wearing Hammer pants. Because everyone knows that eventually, even bad fashion comes back to haunt us.

May 3, 2015 4:39 pm
Reply to  Laurie

Thanks for the favorite line Laurie!

April 28, 2015 9:27 pm

I get that Farmer Chris comes with a huge voting base and, as long as he keeps scoring in the bottom, billions of bachelor fans who aren’t tired of him after 4 months on tv will rush to vote for him, but who’s voting for Robert? Is he really that popular on shark tank?

Also. I feel like there’s a general exasperation with Mark and his crazy choreography and Willow probably lost a lot of viewer votes because she was paired with him. Is that just me?

May 3, 2015 4:40 pm
Reply to  Ashley

I agree with everything you said, Ashley. The part about Mark AND Chris. Could the Shark be buying votes? Is that tacky for me to write out loud?

April 29, 2015 6:43 am

Lincee, I hope you are doing a Dancing 10th Anniversary special recap!

May 3, 2015 4:40 pm
Reply to  Cathy

Oh I wish I was Cathy. Thanks for asking, but I think too much time has passed for me to do it now.

April 29, 2015 1:01 pm

Just chiming in to say I agree with the comments about the “Golden Boy” Derek. I have not liked him since he was hateful towards Melissa Rycroft because he felt she had an edge since she had been a cheerleader. I have actually just watch sporadically since that season and prefer the show So You Think You Can Dance.

April 29, 2015 3:40 pm

Lincee, in your recap you said everything I was thinking but you just made it so very funny! Thanks for the afternoon giggle!

May 3, 2015 4:41 pm
Reply to  Barb

You’re welcome Barb!

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