‘Dancing with the Stars’ recap: Let’s get shirtless!


It was Latin Week on Dancing with the Stars, and you know what that means, right? GRATUITOUS ABS! FIERCE FACES! PUCKERED LIPS! AND MORE ABS! There were several highs, several lows and a few questionable costume choices (I’m looking at you Suzanne), but at the end of the day, let’s all admit that we really watch this show because of the effervescent Tom Bergeron and his quippy one-liners:

Tom: Thank you America, for helping us do what we can to heighten abdominal awareness.

Amen. Now let’s break down the dances!

Rumer and Val
“Turn the Beat Around” by Gloria Estefan
Score: 33
Personally, I have no idea why Val choreographed a disco/salsa number to this song. Rumer didn’t either. That’s probably why she slammed her crotch in his face during one of those lifts. Her pelvis must be really strong to solicit that much blood from Val’s lip. PS: Rumer needs to smile more. And it wouldn’t hurt to pick the wedgie from her flesh unitard. Just do it off camera.

Charlotte and Keo
“Empire” by Shakira
Score: 22
I have a love/hate relationship with cell phone technology. Has it changed my life? Absolutely. Is it the bane of my existence? You bet. I don’t know when it became socially acceptable to whip it out during meetings to check texts and emails. Not only is the gesture rude, but it’s disrespectful. Sadly, people absent-mindedly check their phones, completely unaware that they are holding the device. I was so proud of Keo for calling Charlotte out when she left him to go check her emails. She told him that if she didn’t check her email, she could lose modeling or acting jobs. Keo gently reminded her that she’s in THE MIDDLE OF A JOB RIGHT NOW and is disrespecting everyone around her. Then he pointed to the camera man. I almost felt bad that they made her wear a pink diaper for her rumba. Len reminded her that everyone in this competition has another job. I think she finally got it at the end. Hopefully she learned a life lesson that she will take with her forever. RANT OVER.

Michael and Peta
“Celebrate” by Pitbull
Score: 24
Peta decided that the best way for them to crawl up the leader board is for Michael to throw her around in a bunch of lifts. Michael treated her like a rag doll and it was very concerning. I could never quite put my finger on why I didn’t enjoy their routine. Michael was a little bit stiff, but that wasn’t it. It wasn’t until Carrie Ann critiqued that she “didn’t feel safe watching” because she was afraid this massive man was going to careen Peta’s head into the ground that I realized my butt was still clinching. THAT’S IT! MYSTERY SOLVED!

Riker and Allison
“Limbo” by Daddy Yankee
Score: 34
I have to say–I like this kid. He has an infectious energy. He’s nice and competitive. IHGB commenter Ann reminded me in the comment section of last week’s post that he is Derek and Julianne’s cousin. That Hough DNA is coursing through his veins! No wonder he’s so fast! I agree with Carrie Ann that I’d like for him to be a little more “testosteroni,” and that Allison needs to let him shine. Perhaps they should get rid of all the aggressive stage props (week 1: rocker stage, week 2: random bridge, week 3: Temple of Doom) and just dance. He is the strongest male contender. I like him.

Tony and Suzanne
“Copacabana” by Barry Manilow
Score: 25
Dancing with the StarsI am a total Fanilow and won’t deny the power “Copacabana” can have on a dance floor, but the gimmicky hat should not be the center of attention. Newsflash: Did you know that Suzanne is 68-years-old? Tony will remind you every week, so it’s okay if you forget. He wants Suzanne to be the oldest winning celebrity in the history of the show. She wants to jerk an apple from her head and shove it in his mouth. On a separate note, FEATHERS!!

The Farmer and Witney (the dancer, not the fiance)
Argentine Tango
“Dangerous” by David Guietta
Score: 28
Witney is really bummed that she and The Farmer were the bottom of the leader board. She decides that the best way to get America’s attention is to show off The Farmer’s chest. He refuses to shave it, which as you probably know, I admire. Since Witney is so tiny, The Farmer was able to toss and spin her around in a very cool figure skating lift at the end. This move deemed him the title of “Comeback Kid.” Carlton (as in Fresh Prince’s cousin) and Whitney (the fiance, not the dancer) cheered wildly from the audience.

Kym and Robert
“How Long Will I Love You” by Ellie Goulding
Score: 29
Kym makes Robert cry because her choreography is so beautiful. That’s one way to a woman’s heart. She returns the favor by grabbing his crotch during a particularly sensual part of their rumba. I’m sure it was an accident, but who can tell? Their chemistry is ridiculous. Let the showmance begin!

Queen Patti and Artem
“Oye Como Va” by Santana
Score: 22
Artem explains to Patti that the cha-cha is a sexy dance, and some clothes may have to come off. Patti smiles and says, “Not mine.” I love this lady. Then Artem asks permission to pick her up. She looks at him like he’s crazy. In her brain, there’s no way that he can cradle her in his arms. The Queen is almost overwhelmed when he easily scoops her up as if she weighed 12 pounds. Her face was priceless! Her cha-cha was not. Even though she did execute an abbreviated version of The Wobble while standing on a luggage cart, the entire thing seemed way to basic for what she can handle. I did like the part where Artem’s shirt was open. Regardless, she received her third standing ovation in a row, and not once did Artem have to mention her age. LONG LIVE QUEEN PATTI!

Dancing with the StarsWillow and Mark
Paso Doble
Funky Spanish Guitar Music
Score: 32
I’ll say it. Mark is quirky. Sometimes it works and sometimes he’s cracked out. Tonight was definitely in the cray category. She was the Girl on Fire (sorry Katniss) while he was Mr. Cold Miser.
In rehearsals, she slammed her ribs into Mark’s leg, causing major breathing issues. Her Dad came to comfort her while Mark reminded us that she has a chaperone because she’s only 14. At dress rehearsal, she collapses again, but she manages to make it through the entire live performance without hurling. SMALL VICTORIES!

Sharna and Noah
Argentine Tango
“Rather Be” by Clean Bandit
Score: 30
This dude is a beast. Truly. Sharna tries to get him to use his prosthetic arm so she can have a frame to hold onto while dancing the tango. Sadly, it keeps flopping off and for the first time, we see Noah frustrated by his disability. Sharna finally concedes. She reworks their entire number, complete with LIFTS and intricate footwork. It was remarkable that this man, with one arm and one leg, is able to hold her above his head with such ease. Not once did my butt clench. They are both extremely talented.

Nastia and Derek
Funky Spanish Music
Score: 34
Nastia is in school full-time at NYU. Derek has 10 shows a week at Radio City Music Hall. They only rehearse three times each week. Things get really sketchy when Derek steps on her thumb and breaks it. But when you’re an Olympian dancing with a five-time winner of the mirror ball trophy, the show must go on! Nastia channels her inner Christina Aguilera. Her feather angle bracelet is on my wish list now. Even though Derek still mouthed the words (STOP IT), the dance was quite technical and beautifully executed. I will always be a sucker for a front walkover.

In the end, it was The Farmer and Witney, Noah and Sharna and Charlotte and Keo in the daunting red light of doom. America used their cellular devices to vote Charlotte off the Dancing with the Stars island.

What did you think? Should Noah have been in the bottom? Will The Farmer live to see another week? Did you know Suzanne is 68-years-old? Sound off in the comment section!

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Rachel B.
Rachel B.
March 31, 2015 1:23 pm

I love it when you articulate something I didn’t even know I was thinking until I read it. This week it was:

And it wouldn’t hurt to pick the wedgie from her flesh unitard.

Ain’t that the truth. Another fav:

The whole first paragraph (I went to go copy my favorite part and realized it’s ALL so good.) I think the right person went home. I’m still impressed with farmer boy and hope he lasts. Not that I’m voting…I just hope he lasts.

April 2, 2015 9:29 am
Reply to  Rachel B.

Thank you Rachel B! The wedgie had to be so painful!

March 31, 2015 1:32 pm

So glad her partner and the judges called out Charlotte. I sooooo agree with you Lincee. I was screaming at my tv when she said she is “having such a busy week, so much going on, because she is an actress AND a model” um okkkaaaayyyyyy, and none of those “other people from your other line of work” knows you are currently on a national TV show competing at the moment and certainly need you to get back to them RIGHT NOW? Put the phone down, be in the present and be mindful and respectful of others. My gosh how you made yourself look like a bimbo! You said you didn’t want to be seen as just boobs and then that’s all your intro package was about and then when given the opportunity to perhaps be articulate and focused, you whine and use the further dumbing down term of “….and stuff” …. Ah yes, that wonderful saying was at play, “it is better to be thought of as a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.” Ok rant over.

March 31, 2015 4:11 pm
Reply to  Maya

Yes, talk about rude – are you telling me they never get breaks during the day in which they can attend to other things, such as checking email? Glad she got the boot last night…..I was not very impressed with her and it had nothing to do with her chest, she seemed extremely vapid to me.

April 2, 2015 9:30 am
Reply to  Maya

It’s a BIG pet peeve of mine! I love how you said that you need to BE PRESENT IN THE MOMENT!

March 31, 2015 6:21 pm

The right person was sent home last night. She was not a good dancer and on top of that a huge bimbo. Keo was right for chastising her and her use of the cell phone during rehearsals.
Love Ryker, he is a very likeable young man, looks super cute with his hair combed back, and he is talented. Keeping fingers crossed he stays until the end.
Wow, Suzanne is 68? I would never have guessed it because there was no mention of her age at all!
Michael was a bit disappointing and I together with Carrie Ann feared for Peta’s safety.
The Farmer, bless his heart, was teeny tiny bit better this week but he will go home soon.
Did anyone notice Josh, Andi’s ex, sitting next to Whitney (the fiancée not the dancer) last night?

April 2, 2015 9:31 am
Reply to  Liana

I did notice Josh! I totally forgot to mention it.

March 31, 2015 6:25 pm

I never knew how much I wanted Queen Patti on my television every week until DWTS, so I suppose this show has now enriched my life. America, don’t ever send her home!

Also, seeing “testosteroni” spelled out makes me think of pepperoni made with testosterone…so now I’m not going to be able to eat pizza for a long time. Who am I kidding. I’m eating pizza right now. But not testosteroni pizza.

April 2, 2015 9:31 am
Reply to  Ashley

You eat that testoseroni pizza Ashely. Do not be ashamed!

March 31, 2015 8:54 pm

agree that the sets for Allison and Riker have to stop. I’ve seen better set design in elementary school plays. Noah was amazing! Such strength in every way, physically and emotionally. Why was Tony being so grumpy? I always liked that he was the sweet guy, guess he’s taking over Max’s role as arrogant jerk. This season isn’t panning out too good.

April 2, 2015 9:32 am
Reply to  Dianne

Yes Dianne. Riker and Allison need to just dance. He’s good!

March 31, 2015 10:29 pm

Charlotte needed to leave. Her package of I-am-more-than-boobs-but-lets-talk-about-them-five-different-ways started her downward slide with fans. Her package last week of Don’t-hate-me-cuz-I’m-beautiful clinched it. And her oblivious egocentricity this week should remove any guilt anyone might have.

April 2, 2015 9:33 am
Reply to  Shawn

I have to admit that I didn’t recognize her from her Superbowl commercial. I was too busy looking at that hot guy from Budweiser holding the puppy.

He should be on this show. I’d vote for him.

Thanks Shawn!

April 1, 2015 9:03 am

I felt bad for Charlotte when she was reading the mean things people say about her. I don’t think it is EVER ok to be so mean to someone, even “celebrities”, but the more they showed her the more I agreed with people. If she hadn’t of gone home last night, I think her package of her absolute disrespect for the process would have cinched her going home next week. Glad Keo called her out, you could def. feel the tension between them.
Noah SHOULD NOT have been in the bottom! What the heck?! There are many more people who need to come home before he does.

April 2, 2015 9:34 am
Reply to  Joanna

I agree with everything you said Joanna. What is up with Noah being in the bottom?! YIKES!

April 1, 2015 11:21 am

I agree with previous comments. The right person went home. I wish her the best, but I wasn’t a fan, at all.

And I also agree with someone’s comment about Patti — she’s def not the best dancer, but I love watching her!

I’m interested to see how the season progresses :).

April 2, 2015 9:34 am
Reply to  ellerod

It think it’s going to be good ellerod! I’m pumped.

April 1, 2015 12:08 pm

After the show I saw a clip of someone who looked vaguely familiar interviewing Rumer. Took a few minutes before I realized it was our very own Ali Fedotowsky, Season 10’s Bachelorette who apparently works for E! News now. Of course, that just made me miss Roberto and his adorable baseball uniform. Sigh. #MissingRoberto

April 2, 2015 9:35 am

Yes! Roberto needs to be on this show too!

April 3, 2015 11:12 pm

The fire and ice kept making me think of Blades of Glory, haha! Love Ryker. I like Nastia, but she has a serious case of “resting bitch face.” This season is so fun and entertaining!

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