It was Latin Week on Dancing with the Stars, and you know what that means, right? GRATUITOUS ABS! FIERCE FACES! PUCKERED LIPS! AND MORE ABS! There were several highs, several lows and a few questionable costume choices (I’m looking at you Suzanne), but at the end of the day, let’s all admit that we really watch this show because of the effervescent Tom Bergeron and his quippy one-liners:

Tom: Thank you America, for helping us do what we can to heighten abdominal awareness.

Amen. Now let’s break down the dances!

Rumer and Val
Salsa
“Turn the Beat Around” by Gloria Estefan
Score: 33
Personally, I have no idea why Val choreographed a disco/salsa number to this song. Rumer didn’t either. That’s probably why she slammed her crotch in his face during one of those lifts. Her pelvis must be really strong to solicit that much blood from Val’s lip. PS: Rumer needs to smile more. And it wouldn’t hurt to pick the wedgie from her flesh unitard. Just do it off camera.

Charlotte and Keo
Rumba
“Empire” by Shakira
Score: 22
I have a love/hate relationship with cell phone technology. Has it changed my life? Absolutely. Is it the bane of my existence? You bet. I don’t know when it became socially acceptable to whip it out during meetings to check texts and emails. Not only is the gesture rude, but it’s disrespectful. Sadly, people absent-mindedly check their phones, completely unaware that they are holding the device. I was so proud of Keo for calling Charlotte out when she left him to go check her emails. She told him that if she didn’t check her email, she could lose modeling or acting jobs. Keo gently reminded her that she’s in THE MIDDLE OF A JOB RIGHT NOW and is disrespecting everyone around her. Then he pointed to the camera man. I almost felt bad that they made her wear a pink diaper for her rumba. Len reminded her that everyone in this competition has another job. I think she finally got it at the end. Hopefully she learned a life lesson that she will take with her forever. RANT OVER.

Michael and Peta
Salsa
“Celebrate” by Pitbull
Score: 24
Peta decided that the best way for them to crawl up the leader board is for Michael to throw her around in a bunch of lifts. Michael treated her like a rag doll and it was very concerning. I could never quite put my finger on why I didn’t enjoy their routine. Michael was a little bit stiff, but that wasn’t it. It wasn’t until Carrie Ann critiqued that she “didn’t feel safe watching” because she was afraid this massive man was going to careen Peta’s head into the ground that I realized my butt was still clinching. THAT’S IT! MYSTERY SOLVED!

Riker and Allison
Salsa
“Limbo” by Daddy Yankee
Score: 34
I have to say–I like this kid. He has an infectious energy. He’s nice and competitive. IHGB commenter Ann reminded me in the comment section of last week’s post that he is Derek and Julianne’s cousin. That Hough DNA is coursing through his veins! No wonder he’s so fast! I agree with Carrie Ann that I’d like for him to be a little more “testosteroni,” and that Allison needs to let him shine. Perhaps they should get rid of all the aggressive stage props (week 1: rocker stage, week 2: random bridge, week 3: Temple of Doom) and just dance. He is the strongest male contender. I like him.

Tony and Suzanne
Samba
“Copacabana” by Barry Manilow
Score: 25
I am a total Fanilow and won’t deny the power “Copacabana” can have on a dance floor, but the gimmicky hat should not be the center of attention. Newsflash: Did you know that Suzanne is 68-years-old? Tony will remind you every week, so it’s okay if you forget. He wants Suzanne to be the oldest winning celebrity in the history of the show. She wants to jerk an apple from her head and shove it in his mouth. On a separate note, FEATHERS!!

The Farmer and Witney (the dancer, not the fiance)
Argentine Tango
“Dangerous” by David Guietta
Score: 28
Witney is really bummed that she and The Farmer were the bottom of the leader board. She decides that the best way to get America’s attention is to show off The Farmer’s chest. He refuses to shave it, which as you probably know, I admire. Since Witney is so tiny, The Farmer was able to toss and spin her around in a very cool figure skating lift at the end. This move deemed him the title of “Comeback Kid.” Carlton (as in Fresh Prince’s cousin) and Whitney (the fiance, not the dancer) cheered wildly from the audience.

Kym and Robert
Rumba
“How Long Will I Love You” by Ellie Goulding
Score: 29
Kym makes Robert cry because her choreography is so beautiful. That’s one way to a woman’s heart. She returns the favor by grabbing his crotch during a particularly sensual part of their rumba. I’m sure it was an accident, but who can tell? Their chemistry is ridiculous. Let the showmance begin!

Queen Patti and Artem
Cha-Cha
“Oye Como Va” by Santana
Score: 22
Artem explains to Patti that the cha-cha is a sexy dance, and some clothes may have to come off. Patti smiles and says, “Not mine.” I love this lady. Then Artem asks permission to pick her up. She looks at him like he’s crazy. In her brain, there’s no way that he can cradle her in his arms. The Queen is almost overwhelmed when he easily scoops her up as if she weighed 12 pounds. Her face was priceless! Her cha-cha was not. Even though she did execute an abbreviated version of The Wobble while standing on a luggage cart, the entire thing seemed way to basic for what she can handle. I did like the part where Artem’s shirt was open. Regardless, she received her third standing ovation in a row, and not once did Artem have to mention her age. LONG LIVE QUEEN PATTI!

Willow and Mark
Paso Doble
Funky Spanish Guitar Music
Score: 32
I’ll say it. Mark is quirky. Sometimes it works and sometimes he’s cracked out. Tonight was definitely in the cray category. She was the Girl on Fire (sorry Katniss) while he was Mr. Cold Miser.
In rehearsals, she slammed her ribs into Mark’s leg, causing major breathing issues. Her Dad came to comfort her while Mark reminded us that she has a chaperone because she’s only 14. At dress rehearsal, she collapses again, but she manages to make it through the entire live performance without hurling. SMALL VICTORIES!

Sharna and Noah
Argentine Tango
“Rather Be” by Clean Bandit
Score: 30
This dude is a beast. Truly. Sharna tries to get him to use his prosthetic arm so she can have a frame to hold onto while dancing the tango. Sadly, it keeps flopping off and for the first time, we see Noah frustrated by his disability. Sharna finally concedes. She reworks their entire number, complete with LIFTS and intricate footwork. It was remarkable that this man, with one arm and one leg, is able to hold her above his head with such ease. Not once did my butt clench. They are both extremely talented.

Nastia and Derek
Samba
Funky Spanish Music
Score: 34
Nastia is in school full-time at NYU. Derek has 10 shows a week at Radio City Music Hall. They only rehearse three times each week. Things get really sketchy when Derek steps on her thumb and breaks it. But when you’re an Olympian dancing with a five-time winner of the mirror ball trophy, the show must go on! Nastia channels her inner Christina Aguilera. Her feather angle bracelet is on my wish list now. Even though Derek still mouthed the words (STOP IT), the dance was quite technical and beautifully executed. I will always be a sucker for a front walkover.

In the end, it was The Farmer and Witney, Noah and Sharna and Charlotte and Keo in the daunting red light of doom. America used their cellular devices to vote Charlotte off the Dancing with the Stars island.

What did you think? Should Noah have been in the bottom? Will The Farmer live to see another week? Did you know Suzanne is 68-years-old? Sound off in the comment section!