I thought last night’s episode of Dancing with the Stars was a repeat of Monday night because I saw “Hometown Glory” in the description portion of my handy DVR. Luckily, I was watching (dare I say cringing?) through The Muppets and was still a little disappointed with Kermit using the term “sexy” when Tom Bergeron popped up on my screen to announce that the SECOND ROUND of Hometown Glory was seconds away. This time the pros well up with emotion when they tell stories of their childhood.

Well—the pros who came from Russia, Kosovo, the Ukraine, Australia and various European countries will tear up. The three from Utah lived All-American lives growing up and they are going to dance with patriotic flare, no matter how crotchety Carrie Ann’s critiques can be. Let’s go!

Emma and Hayes
Hometown: Tamworth, England
Dance: Quickstep
Sweet Emma tries to school young Hayes in a few British words before class. She explains that a “spotted dick” is a traditional dessert and has not idea why the 15-year-old boy started laughing while reaching for is smart phone device. Whatever. Emma is a professional. She teaches him the quickstep, which he learns in five seconds. The wardrobe department dresses them in spatter paint outfits while they skipped around the dance floor to “Are You Going To Be My Girl” by Jet. Full disclosure: I was just about to type, “Nothing says the ‘80s like spatter paint and a fun pop song by The Jetts!” when I paused. I just assumed this was a song by The Jetts that I had never heard before. Upon a quick Google search, I discovered that this song came out in 2003 by a rock band called Jet. This makes all the sense in the world since Emma is not a 40-year-old like me. I sure hope someone has introduced her to the vocal stylings of The Jetts and “Crush On You.” She needs that in her iTunes.
Score: 23

Witney and Carlos
Hometown: American Fork, Utah
Dance: Cha Cha
Witney has known fellow pro Lindsay and JV dancer Jenna since they were nine-years-old. She started watching DWTS when she was 11 and once those words escaped her mouth, everyone collectively felt old. Good for Witney for going after her dreams! I just think her old timely saloon version of “Hound Dog” was about as random as her cracked out pink tutu. Call me crazy, but didn’t that thing have a Miss Havisham vibe going on? My favorite part was when Carrie Ann told Carlos that she was not impressed and the camera cuts to Alexa standing backstage giving her this “oh no you didn’t” look. Hilarious.
Score: 21

Anna and Gary
Hometown: Chelyabinsk, Russia
Dance: Paso Doble
Anna has the cutest parents ever. She also made Gary dance to Tchaikovsky’s Overture 1812. I’d like the record to show that thanks to music memory in sixth grade, I did not have to look up how to correctly spell Tchaikovsky. I KNEW IT. I thought that little tidbit would be more entertaining to read than detailing the very pitiful, mediocre dance steps of this sad paso. PS: Anna is sooooooooo over everyone loving Gary’s wackiness. Bless her.
Score: 15

Allison and Andy
Hometown: Los Angeles, California
Dance: Contemporary
Allison brings her husband in to give Andy a little pep talk. I was a little embarrassed when he asked Twitch (a well-known dancer and deejay on the Ellen Show) if he danced. Whoopsie. Have you not seen any of the Step Up franchise movies? I think Andy needs to get out more. Allison takes him through the flowing, fluid steps and even choreographs the proper facial expressions. That girl loves a pained face, am I right? They danced to “Heaven is a Place On Earth.” He threw her around. She through him around. She climbs up on his back at the end to give one last look of longing. The audience claps, the judges judge and then she grabs her kid and hauls her up to the balcony for their scores. There was some discrepancy with a lift but I wasn’t invested enough to rewind and see what all the Carrie Ann fuss was about.
Score: 23

Mark and Alexa
Hometown: England
Dance: Rumba
Of course Mark would dedicate the “dance of love” to his parents. Let’s put a pin on the fact that that is definitely weird. The non-weird part is that his parents were ballroom champions and he choreographs a specific move that Shirley Ballas is known for. And guess what? She’s going to be in the audience! No pressure Alexa. With his man bun in place, Mark glides and swivels his way across the floor to “Somewhere In Time.” It was an instrumental piece that meant a lot to Mark, but the audience couldn’t connect because two-percent of the people there have probably seen that movie. There were lots of fetal positions, foreheads to foreheads, heads in crooks of necks and Carlos crying in the balcony. Of course Carrie Ann hated it.
Score: 22

Louis and Paula
Hometown: Amsterdam, The Netherlands
Dance: Tango
Louis moved to New York City to pursue Broadway. Instead, he found Karina, Max and Val and started teaching ballroom. And old picture of Louis with a glorious blond ponytail was the highlight of the night. His gold lame jacket was a close second. He sort of tango’d to “Get Ready” by The Temptations. The dance moved at a glacial pace. Paula somehow still managed to miss the choreography. Carrie Ann hated it.
Score: 18

Derek and Bindi
Hometown: Utah and England
Dance: Waltz
Derek and Julianne moved to England to study under that Ballas family. That’s why they formed a trio back in the day. He chose “Only a Man” as his emotional track and even started in a vulnerable crouched position. Bindi connected to his pain (?!) and they twisted around in a cloud of Bindi’s pink, billowy gown. They did that Dirty Dancing drag. You know the one that Johnny and Penny busted out at Kellermans? Except Bindi didn’t put her foot on Derek’s shoulder and lean back as he drug her across the floor. It was a normal drag. Of course she lifted her feet at one point and Carrie Ann had to deduct a jillion points. Derek didn’t care because he knows they will win.
Score: 23

Tony and Kim
Hometown: Kosovo
Dance: Foxtrot
Tony became emotional when talking about growing up in a war-torn country. Dance was his escape. I wanted to escape the parachute pants Kim wore in rehearsal, but that didn’t happen. They dressed in head-to-toe depressing grey to “Come Home” by OneRepublic. Kim’s boobs were out and proud. They also performed the Dirty Dancing drag, which had to be a little embarrassing since we just saw it. It was okay, which means it was really good for Kim. Carrie Ann hated it.
Score: 18

Lindsay and Alek
Hometown: Provo, Utah
Dance: Quickstep
Lindsay is an “American Girl” and had the coolest American dress. The inside/underside of her skirt was the stripe part of the flag and his pants had blue stars down the side. God bless America! I think they messed up a few times, but I was too busy singing “Star-Spangled Banner” to care. I love this guy. I still want him to date Bindi. Someone make that happen.
Score: 22

Karina and Victor
Hometown: Ukraine and New York
Dance: Rumba
Karina’s mom looks younger than Karina. Seriously. She is so tiny and adorable. Karina chose “Girl On Fire” as her dance number because it portrays “the spirit of a woman who doesn’t give up.” That’s a great attitude to have when you’re dancing the rumba with a man who is at chest level. In fact, that huge detail actually helped. And nothing says “show me sultry” like open shirt night for Victor. When she picked up the piece of red cloth, it all became very discombobulated. When it ended with Victor staring directly into Karina’s crotch area, weird went out the window in exchange for inappropriate for primetime television.
Score: 20

Sharna and Nick
Hometown: Australia
Dance: Waltz
Sharna is from Australia and her family can’t really visit her because of health issues. That made me sad for her. Nick promised to “be there” for her in the dance and in life. Oh the levels we reach on this show! So many layers! They danced to “I’m Coming Home” and it was pretty good. The judges LOVED it. Bruno called the Backstreet Boy by the name of Nicky and that made me happier than it should have.
Score: 24

Val and Tamar
Hometown: New York City (originally Ukraine)
Dance: Charleston
Val refuses to cry on TV even when he tells the camera how much he loves his parents for coming to America so their kids could have a life. He tells Tamar that their dance is a bit of a “cat and mouse” type routine. She comes over to his house to beg him back. This is where Tamar has a problem. “I wouldn’t ever beg a guy back. Why don’t you come to my house and beg me back?” Again—this is why we love Tamar. She and Val bicker back and forth. It has to make sense to Tamar to be able to sell the moment. They get everything worked out and the routine ends up pretty cute. Val gets rid of his shirt by throwing it in the audience on the first eight-count. Excuse me while I check EBAY.
Score: 25

To no one’s surprise, it was Gary and Victor who ended up with red spotlights in their faces. It was Victor who went home. I completely understand America’s decision to send him packing. Of course that means one more week of Gary. What will he say and do next week?!