Sometimes I wish my job was to cover myself in sequins, feathers or fringe and dance around a huge stage while people cheered for me. Alas, that is not my current career status. I’m forced to live vicariously through 10 stars and one bachelor each Monday night. Maybe they’ll ask me to compete whenever my book becomes a national sensation!

Note to self: WRITE YOUR BOOK LINCEE.

This week’s Dancing With the Stars theme was “My Jam Monday.” I have no idea how these people were able to choose a single song from which to jam. Making that decision would have sent me over the edge, and darling Val (he’s my fantasy partner) would have to choose something for me. Of course I would gently persuade him toward a song that lends itself to the rumba.

The dances this week were pretty special. And by special, I mean “bless his/her heart” unfortunate. Right out of the gate, our very own Farmer had me shaking my head, sending virtual love and support to Whitney (the partner, not the fiance) for the smile she plastered on as Erin shoved the microphone in her face. Fortunately, where there’s stumbling, bumbling corn huskers, there’s also elegant young girls with legit eyebrows and lion tattoos!

Let’s break down the contestants, shall we?

Farmer and Whitney
Dance: Cha-Cha
Song: “Time of Our Lives” by Pitbull
Total: 21
What worked: Not a whole lot.
Poor Farmer. Whitney pretty much accused him of not being able to count. Plus, he apparently has trouble distinguishing his left from his right. Ouch. He can move his hips (pro) but the white man overbite made several appearances (con). The judges praised him for “working hard” and “it’s only been four days!” which is the equivalent of a dude telling another dude that the girl he wants to set him up with has a really great personality.
Bruno: “You were more erect this week.”
Tom: “So you watched him on The Bachelor too?”

Suzanne and Tony
Dance: Jive
Song: “Whole Lotta Shakin’ Goin’ On” by Jerry Lee Lewis
Total: 28
What worked: The hot pink fringe with leopard trim. Meow!
I’ve written a strongly 140-character worded Tweet asking Tony to cease and desist from telling everyone over and over and over again that Suzanne is 68-years-old. You could tell that she was clearly irritated by his constant announcement of her age. Then she picks a song from 1964 as her jam. Sweet, sweet Chrissy. On a scale of 1 to 10, I’d say that her performance was a 6. On a scale of 1 to 10, I’d say Tony’s teeth bleaching habits are at a solid 13.

Robert and Kym
Dance: Foxtrot
Song: “You Make Me Feel So Young” by Michael Buble
Total: 28
What worked: I found Kym and Robert’s blatant disregard for the “rumors” that they are dating behind the scenes, adorable.
If you don’t want people to think you’re in a relationship, don’t nod to the camera when your partner talks about cracking the whip. With that said, Robert’s powder blue vest and white pants made me long to watch Mary Poppins. Is that weird? The ABC Intern clearly killed the AstroTurf budget at Home Depot with that opening picnic scene, and the special video message from Michael Buble was charming.

Charlotte and Keo
Dance: Cha-Cha
Song: “California Gurls” by Katy Perry (FYI: This is how Katy chose to spell girls.)
Total: 26
What worked: Ditching those annoying sharks in lieu of lobsters.
Sweet Charlotte has been cyber bullied since last week and she wants the world to know that she has put the negativity behind her. I’m so glad she took a stance. YOU GO GIRL! I just wish she hadn’t picked her wedgie right before she went on stage. Do you think that’s what Len meant when he told her she was cheeky? Her dance lacked rhythm. I’m pretty sure that’s why the entire studio audience threw beach balls onto the dancing area at the end of the performance. DISTRACT THE JUDGES!

Michael and Peta
Dance: Foxtrot
Song: “Working My Way Back To You” by The Four Seasons
Total: 28
What worked: I found it endearing that they called each other “babe” during rehearsals.
Once again, I’m baffled that Michael chose this as his jam, but my jam was definitely Peta’s phenomenal red dress. The fact that Michael matched her with a sparkly red blazer was icing on the cake. Unfortunately, the dance was forgettable. It was the opposite of jam. It was dry toast.

Rumer and Val
Dance: Cha-Cha
Song: “Rumor Has It” by Adele (Get it?!)
Total: 32
What worked: Fun streamers in her ponytail. Yes please.
Rumor thanked Val for helping her be graceful and beautiful the week before, even though she feels like a weirdo. Then she borrowed Kym’s whip and cracked it on Val! I have to admit that I loved her foxtrot better than this cha-cha. Her arms seemed a bit stiff. But she was fierce. We’ll see if she can loosen that image when she picks a softer dance genre.
Carrie Ann: “I loved everything about it! Can I keep going?”
Tom: “No. Castle starts at 10:00.”

Redfoo and Emma
Dance: Jive
Song: “My Sharona” by The Knack
Total: 31
What worked: Clearly the judges saw something that I didn’t.
I was probably distracted by Emma’s overall panties. Think of a baby’s overalls onesie and then stick that on a grown woman. Voila! Overall panties! Pair it with a day-glo yellow bando top and you’ve got the perfect costume for prime time.

Willow and Mark
Dance: Tango
Song: “Somebody That I Used To Know” by Gotye
Total: 32
What worked: Starting off like the video—against a painting.
I don’t believe for one second that Mark and Willow’s costumes were a result of their paint war. I do believe that Mark is the Anti-Tony, since he reminds voters that Willow is ONLY 14-YEARS-OLD and we should feel sorry for her. Mark is always one to push the artistic envelope, and in this case (even though the costumes were manufactured) it worked for him.

Noah and Sharna
Dance: Samba
Song: “Homegrown Honey” by Darius Rucker
Total: 27
What worked: His abs worked for me.

Dancing With the Stars totally tricked me! Noah Skyped with his girlfriend, dedicated the performance to her and then Erin trotted her out right after they got their scores. I got a little nervous when she jumped into Noah’s arms, but he easily caught her with one hand and then buried his face into her neck. I cried so hard that I almost forgot about Sharna’s fringe panty and bra set she wore on national television. What I didn’t forget is when she popped open Noah’s pearl snap mid dance. No one can ever take that image away from me.

Nastia and Derek
Dance: Rumba
Song: “Thinking Out Loud” by Ed Sheeran
Total: 34
What worked: Oh look! A current jam!
Nastia admitted that gymnasts are trained to not show emotion. Derek worked really hard to crack Nastia out of her shell. Her costume looked like a white slip. I imagine that helped her get into the spirit of things, but the mood was soon thwarted when Derek started mouthing the words. My favorite part of their judging moment was when the camera panned to Noah and his girlfriend in their own little world. God bless the USA!

Riker and Allison
Dance: Foxtrot
Song: “Sugar” by Maroon 5
Total: 32
What worked: RIKER’S NEW HAIR!
Thank you Allison, for taming Riker’s hair for the performance. Because I wasn’t focused on someone fetching this boy a bobby pin, I was able to appreciate that this dude is actually a pretty refined dancer! I agree with Bruno. He finishes his moves by putting his own style into the eight count. You can’t teach that.

Patti and Artem
Dance: Salsa
Song: “In Da Club” by 50 Cent
Total: 28
What worked: All you need to know is that Queen Patti basically bumped in da club with a ton of ballroom dancer dudes around her. It was as amazing as it sounds. Bonus: FEATHERS!!!

THE RESULTS
The four stars in danger were Charlotte, The Farmer, Suzanne and Redfoo. In the end, Charlotte was granted another week to fight the cyber bullies, a farm in Iowa will have one less corn shucker and Suzanne can live to squeeze, squeeze squeeze her way through another day. America voted our Afro-loving friend off the disco ball island.

What did you think? Is Riker a dark horse? Will the trophy go to a tween? Will someone on next season’s Bachelor trade in her denim panties for fringe ones? Sound off in the comment section!