This is a day to remember. This is a day that we should never forget.
I’m officially online. Can you believe that? I began this random act of writing about the Bachelor back in the Firestone days. For years, several of you have suggested I get a message board or blog or website. And I just felt silly. This thing is not worth a blog. This is too embarrassing for a message board. Do I really want my words in cyber space for all to read?
Then I decided, who cares? Once my “list” hit around 1,000 names, it just became too hard to keep up with. It was at that point that I began hinting around to my computer savvy friend Jason that he needed to hook me up with an efficient way to reach the masses. Jason would direct me to websites and encourages me to research. He would always ask me if I had looked over the information and I would lie and say yes. He would then say, “You are a liar. Why are you scared?”
I’m not scared. I’m lazy. Plain and simple. Hate technology. Hate computers. Don’t really care how they work. I just want to write my stupid recap and send it out to the millions of people around the world who depend on my daily dose of craziness. Is that too much to ask? I don’t care to research unless it is to find the nearest Jack-in-the-Box by my work. Or Target. And there I draw the line.
Jason then sent my email to a co-worker of his named Paul.
Paul is my new best friend. In about five seconds, he had created a blog/website thing for my recaps. And it is too cute with precious polka-dots. He is doing this all out of the goodness of his heart and for that…I thank him.
So let’s get this party started! It is with great excitement that I invite you to www.thebachelorrecaps.com. Enjoy the madness!
I think I received 1.2 million emails between last Monday and this morning. You people thought I fell off the face of the Earth, didn’t you? So many new faces. So much to fill you in on. Let’s make it easy, shall we?
For those of you who don’t know me very well, I like lists. I find them easy and entertaining. Here is a list of things you should know about my recaps:
1. I get embarrassed for the people on the show. Way embarrassed. Sometimes I have to hide my face. Other times, I have to fast forward through awkward moments. It’s who I am. I often yell, “NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO” to the TV. Or scream, “SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP” or “STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT” because I feel for the girls. Which leads me to…
2. “Bless her heart.” This simple phrase was introduced to me by my dear friend Jill. She uses it when situations are so sad that there is nothing else to say. For instance, when one of the Bachelorettes fakes a sprained ankle and hoists her leg in the lap of Dr. Hottie to check out…the only thing you can say, (after thinking GIVE ME A BREAK in your head) is “Bless her heart.”
3. Random stories: I will tell you random stories that have nothing to do with the show. I will alert you so that you may scroll down if you are not interested. It’s who I am.
4. No matter what you may believe, I’m probably cooler than you think. I just turned 30 and have the diet of a 3rd grader. I enjoy all movies as long as they are romantic comedies, romance or have any kind of dancing or roller skating involved. Have a tendency to be stuck in the ‘80s and will occasionally reference the best decade ever in the recap. If that’s not cool…I don’t know what is.
So I went to salsa class last night at the gym. Salsa. You read that correctly. Best class I’ve ever been to. Not only did I sweat, get a good workout and enjoy myself tremendously, but our instructor Ricardo could seriously give Ricky Martin a run for his money in the hip swivel department. I will be going back. Cha-cha-cha. That is why the recap is late. I had to watch the Bachelor, watch in fast-forward the Golden Globes (GO SEE WALK THE LINE) and then pack for a trip to Wyoming. I’m going to visit a PACE rig. It sounds as fun as it is. Me and my pink hard hat and steel toe boots will battle the weather, antelope and snowy driving conditions to fully understand the wonder that is the PACE.
All that to say, I was too tired to write the recap last night, and I apologize for the late delay. I could blame it on Paul, but because he is my new BFF, I won’t.
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. If this e-mail circulates to friends, family, enemies…that is your business. However, if you or someone in your address book happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying tofu or have a nail technician that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the
show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.
I am no longer allowed to call the Bachelor HSD any more. My Mom thinks it sounds like a school district. My friend Kimberly thinks it sounds like a sexually transmitted disease. Therefore, stealing from my other favorite show Grey’s Anatomy, Travis Stork will from now on be known as Dr. McHottie. Case closed. Everyone happy now?
So my sister calls last night in a panic around 7:59 p.m. THE BACHELOR IS ON! DID YOU KNOW IT WAS TWO HOURS? ARE YOU WATCHING? I HAD NO IDEA. Actually, I did read somewhere that it was on for two hours. In true ABC form, we had to sit through a whole hour of a “special encore presentation” of the Bachelor with “never before seen footage of the rose ceremony night.”
Please. I don’t need that. I’m already having a hard time flipping between the Golden Globes and the Antique Road Show. I am not going to waste my time learning about girls who have already been kicked off because their eggs are rotten.
I will begin at the second hour.
Chris greets the girls in front of their new château with a hearty, “Good morning ladies!” They answer in unison, “Good morning Chris!” Why a bunch of girls answering in unison bothers me so is a question to ponder. Since I was the captain of my high school drill team and we had to cheer for the football team in the stands, it drove me FREAKING NUTS when the girls would “wwwwhhhhhhhhhhhhoooooooooooooo” all together. Can I get a “Go team” or “DEFENSE” every once in a while? It’s a peeve. I’m working on it.
The girls are dressed in the latest denim fashions from the States with tiny tees and kicky boots. All looking fresh out of Vogue. Chris tells them that there will be two group dates and that since she was picked last, Kristen has scored the only one-on-one date. They all scream in unison (nails against the chalkboard) as they tour the chateau, hugging each other as if they were best friends forever!
Group Date 1
Box arrives with miniature Eiffel Tower, cameras and maps of the city. The girls are going to see Paris in a big red bus with its own lush love pad, fully equipped with fluffy pillows and booze.
The girls: Cole, Yvonne, Sarah, Elizabeth, Jehan and Susan
While in the Pier One pimped out bus, Dr. McHottie asks the group, “What is the one activity you could not give up?” Jehan answers yoga. Nice and safe Jehan. Yvonne answers shopping. Snaps for being honest Yvonne. Unfortunately, Dr. McHottie gives her a look of disgust and says that he could not give up camping. It is at that point that the rest of the girls chime in and tell stories of fly fishing, rafting down random rivers and igniting fires with a blade of grass, a little bit of sand and a bobby pin.
We finally get to the Tower and all the girls oooooooooo and ahhhhhhhh in annoying unison. Dr. McHottie takes Cole away and she gives him a rose since he never gets one. At this point I look for an appropriate place on my overstuffed chair to hurl. Where is my bucket anyway?
Alas it starts raining and the ABC intern has to run to the local thrift shop and purchase seven clear bubble umbrellas from 1972. Dr. McHottie takes Jehan to the top of the arch where miraculously, a blanket of raccoon tails and you guessed it…a bottle of booze is laid out for the two to sit and freeze. Nice. McHottie is pumped about “Gee-hand” because she is laid back and smiles all the time. He can see them having a beer together. He quickly leaves her to retrieve the super special rose and returns asking her if she would do him a huge favor. What she asks? “Will you accept this rose?” Great line. Two thumbs up!
Bless her heart. Oh Kristen. Before I get to her single date, we have to recall the infamous toilet paper incident. You see, dear Kristen was fascinated that the ABC intern was thinking ahead and purchased Charmin with hearts on it. She had the BEST IDEA EVER and tried her hardest to encourage the other girls to make toilet paper wedding dresses. The response to her idea was a bunch of blank stares. Bless her heart. I think I did that at a wedding shower once. Or maybe I was at a 6th grade sleep over and we froze some girl’s bra. I can’t remember.
The word you are looking for is…anyway…
Bless her heart Kristen writes poetry. There is nothing wrong with that. I’ve written a poem or two in my day. Although I prefer the haiku, Kristen likes the more…shall we say…elementary versions. You know:
Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
You are sweet.
And I like you.
Sarah from Nashville wanders up on Kristen in deep thought. She is trying to find a word that rhymes with river. Ouch. That is tough. Sarah helps poor Kristen, secretly thinking, “YES! This crazy girl is GOING HOME TONIGHT!”
Cut to Dr. McHottie. He tells the camera that Kristen received a rose for her bright personality. He wants to see if there is anything else there. Yep. That’s code for, “I’m ticked off at ABC for screwing me over with a wasted one-on-one date with the shot glass chick. That was unfair! Note to self…pick the hot girls last next time Doctor.”
He calls her Mom to see what her favorite food is and arranges for the ABC intern to run down to Olive Garden for the bread sticks and salad. Kristen thinks that is SO COOL and is pumped that the rose is on the table. This, of COURSE, means that he is giving it to her.
Let’s all say it together: Bless her heart.
In obvious pain, McHottie explains to Kristen that the rose is there as a reminder to him that this there is an important decision to be made at the end of the night and then encourages her by saying, “Let’s see how the date goes.”
MAYDAY MAYDAY! COME IN KRISTEN! TONE IT DOWN…YOU ARE ON THE BRINK OF LOSING HIM. REPEAT. YOU ARE ON THE BRINK OF LOSING HIM. WHATEVER YOU DO…DO NOT SHOW HIM THE ORANGE PEEL TRICK. REPEAT. DO NOT SHOW HIM THE ORANGE PEEL TRICK.
Poor Kristen. Bless her heart. She didn’t read the signs. She stayed true to that heart on her sleeve, cut up an orange peel and put it in her mouth as Bubba teeth. Then asked if she had ruined the moment.
Of course…Kristen did not receive a rose and was sent home that night.
Let’s have a moment of silence for her dignity.
While Kristen is on her date, ABC returns to the chateau to find the remaining girls boozing it up around the table talking about what turns them on. Something about hard nipples, baby oil and hair pulling. I would like to put throat growling on the table. Takers anyone? It has to be a good throat growl. There are few who can perform the task correctly…
RANDOM STORY ALERT
His name is Mike Taylor and we were Jungle Cruise Skippers together at Disney World. Mike was cool. He was one of the better skippers. One day, we were riding the bus to the Magic Kingdom. We were talking about stupid human tricks.
Like how I can say the ABCs backwards? He said something about how he is known for his growl and I just looked at him thinking, my trick is way better than yours. He leaned over and growled in my ear and I nearly melted. Don’t ask me. I can’t explain it. Luckily…that was early in our internship and for the next six months, when I was on the dock and Mike was pulling up a boat, he would occasionally growl in the microphone for me. Not too often, but every once in a while. Cut to earlier last year when Jill and I went back to Disney World to re-live our Skipper days on the Jungle Cruise when who do we find at MGM posing as Luke Skywalker? None other than Mike himself. And what did he do as I went to have my picture taken with him? Growl in my ear. Heaven ladies. If it is done correctly…heaven. Practice guys. And while I’m giving advice, learn to dance.
I’m getting faint just thinking about it. I need to pause.
Breathing. Breathing. Breathing.
And I’m back.
Group Date 2
The girls squeal in unison (gag me) at the arrival of the next date box. Going to drink champagne in Champagne. Helicopters arrive and whisk Jennifer, Moana, Shiloh, Red Head Tara and Student Sarah away. Dr. McHottie asks if there is anything cooler than this chopper ride. Then answers himself, “Seriously.” That’s my new word by the way. Spread it around. Seriously.
Jennifer and Shiloh are not featured in the date. I don’t know either of them. The girls get mad that Moana is not there for the right reasons. She doesn’t know if she likes the Bachelor. She is not into group dates. She is going to be a pain in my rear. And this is why: DON’T GO ON THE SHOW IF YOU ARE THIS WAY! C’mon! Give me a break. But it does make good TV. Have to have the villain.
Student Sarah asks Dr. McHottie to accompany her by the champagne in an adjacent cave. She all but takes her clothes off in hopes to get a kiss from McHottie, but he thinks it is uncool to kiss anyone on a group date. Very nice. Liking him more an more. No kissing. No hot tubs. Make us wait!
Just as McHottie is about to give his super special rose, Red Head Tara takes him down the dungeon to pour out her heart. Note that she is wearing boots and shorts. It is at this moment that I wonder where the Gap jeans, Baylor sweat shirts and flip flops are? That is what I would wear if I were on the show. Dress up once for him and then be yourself. I may apply lipstick if I’m feeling particularly saucy.
So Red tells McHottie that she is nervous she is not going to get a rose and he assures her that there is nothing to worry about. He ends up giving her the rose anyway and Student Sarah is pissed!
I have to admit it was a good ceremony. McHottie tells Elizabeth that she is so positive. (ALERT ALERT ALERT) and tells Cole that she is the sweetest person he has ever met (KISS OF DEATH). Nashville Sarah says that she likes to be friends with her boyfriends first and then freaks out that she won’t get a rose.
It is at this point that McHottie takes Hot Susan to his bedroom and gives her a birthday cake. Told him that when he looks at her, the world melts away. They were THIS close to making out when Red and Geehand walk in to spoil the fun. What we didn’t see was the ABC producer encouraging them to LOOK IN HERE so that the kiss would be ruined and we would have to wait a whole week to see McHottie in action. He gets annoyed with Red and Gee because they have already received roses and should let him get to know the other girls. He sends them away with a piece of Hot Susan’s cake.
Student Sarah pulls McHottie away again and tells him that she wants to kiss. He says no. She asks for a baby kiss in a baby voice that made me want to stick my pencil I was taking notes with in my ear. He says no. She then pulls away and in her BEST baby voice asks, “You don’t want to kiss me?” He said that he wants to have restraint. If he would kiss anyone, it would be her. For some reason, he thinks she is adorable.
Luckily, we don’t have to sit through McHottie staring at framed pictures of the girls he must choose from that are displayed on a Pottery Barn bureau. We get right to the point and hear his choices:
Moana: Of course. We have to have drama.
Nashville Sarah: Home town connection, but she won’t win.
Jennifer: Who is this person?
Student Sarah: Surprise, surprise.
Shiloh: WHAT? No Cole? But she was the sweetest person he had ever met?
Hot Susan: Again…picks the chick he thinks he will get one-on-one with since she is last. I HAVE YOU FIGURED OUT ABC. TAKE THAT!
It wouldn’t be rose ceremony without a few tears. Poor Cole thinks that it is unfair that there are girls left in the house that don’t want to be there.
And did anyone find it odd that Student Sarah held McHottie’s hand at the end before they toasted? Stalker material perhaps?
I think there are bathing suits next week. Rock on!
All about the shame, not the fame,