Each year, celebrities fill their Instagram feeds with pictures of glam squads transforming their plain faces and stringy hair into charismatic human beings who are considered worthy of walking a red carpet next to fellow hot people. These superstars squish into a ballroom and count the seconds until the next commercial break so they can sidle up next to Matt Damon to breathe the same air, or lightly stalk Amy Schumer so she’s in the background of a selfie. Music bumps and booze flows freely. 

The Hollywood Foreign Press calls this phenomenon The Golden Globes.

Once again, I found myself scratching my head wondering why I haven’t heard of seventy-percent of the shows nominated. Apparently I need to start watching Amazon original programming and the FX channel. I also believe this award show is about ninety minutes too long, but it’s always entertaining. Here are some of my favorite highlights from the night:

Jimmy Fallon For President
Jimmy Fallon’s opening was EPIC. A spoof off of La La Land’s opening, Nicole Kidman, Amy Adams, Jon Snow, the kids from Stranger Things, and a Storm Trooper all made appearances. But it was Ryan Reynolds who stole the show, until Tina Fey stole the show, until Justin Timberlake S-T-O-L-E the show.

When Jimmy had monitor problems (Mariah Carey called and blames Dick Clark Productions) he still killed it. I love him. It’s too bad he was on screen a total of ten minutes the entire night.

And the Real Golden Globes Go To…
Priyanka Chopra. Say hello to the ladies!

Old Truths That Are Still True
Bill Bob Thornton is creepy. Ryan Gosling is H-O-T. Thor is manly.

Best One-Liner (courtesy of Jimmy Fallon)
Manchester By the Sea is the only thing more depressing than 2016.

Endless Love
Tracee Ellis Ross plays the mom in Blackish and deserved winning best actress in a comedy. She is, in a word, talented. What would you expect from Diana Ross’ daughter? I’d like to point out that Tracee was up against not one, but TWO of my favs on The CW. You know, the channel that brings you entertainment greatness like Vampire Diaries, Arrow, Flash, Jane the Virgin, as well as Gossip Girl and Gilmore Girls back in the day. GO CW!!!

The Year of the Arm
It’s clear arm embellishments are all the rage this spring season. So many gowns had cold shoulders and cold arm pits, yet there were sparkles around wrists and elbows. Someone please explain Nicole Kidman’s get-up.

Sunshine Day
Reese Witherspoon and Viola Davis look AMAZING in yellow.

Best Text During Show
Stephanie: Is Santa Clarita Diet a diet or a show?
Lincee: A diet, I think. Drew Barrymore is the spokesperson. We should try it in the new year.
[few minutes go by]
Stephanie: It’s a new Netflix series.
Lincee: Huh. We we should still try it in the new year.

No One is Going to Thank O.J. Simpson
Sarah Paulson won a Golden Globe for playing Marcia Clark in The People v O.J. Simpson. Her dress was straight from Marcia’s closet in 1991. Of course I LOVED IT.

People Who Do Not Age
Naomi Campbell must drink a magical anti-skin wrinkling serum.

Best Introduction (by Jimmy Fallon)
Our next presenter stars in a movie about the founder of McDonalds. McDonalds, Duck Tales, Tailspin, spin-off, off-road, Abbey Road, bringing it back to The Beatles, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, say my name, say my name (three times), only gonna say it once, ladies and gentlemen, Michale Keaton!

This Is Us
I love that mom and daughter (Mandy Moore and Chrissy Metz) were holding hands when they were both nominated for best supporting actress in a drama. I adore this show.

Lion
Raise your hand if you wanted to put the little Indian boy in your pocket during his introduction of Best Motion Picture Drama?

Bless Her Heart
I’m unsure if Goldie Hawn was playing a bit or really struggling to read the teleprompter. Should I be sad for her or think she’s funny?

Hey Girl
Ryan Gosling dedicated his Golden Globe to his daughters, Eva, and her brother who just lost his battle with cancer. He was adorable, vulnerable, and made me and Emma Stone cry. He also looked really, really, really good in a white jacket with a red flower in the lapel.

Who Dat?
Damien Chazelle is a name you should know. He’s the man behind La La Land, which won everything.

Best Presenters
Kristen Wiig and Steve Carrel made the nominations for Best Animated Picture both hilarious and totally depressing. Trust me when I tell you it worked.

Tale As Old As Time
Did you see the new Beauty and the Beast trailer? Or did you fast forward through the commercials?!

The Dragon Lady
I have admired Meryl Streep for many years. I may have audibly agreed when Viola Davis said, “She makes me believe that my body, my face, and my age is enough.” Meryl Streep is talented, dedicated, and lives out loud. To quote the Cecile B. DeMille award winner, “Take your broken heart and make it into art.”

Silver Bullet
Is it just me, or is Chris Pine turning into a werewolf?

Noted
We all need to watch Atlanta. And I guess I need to go see La La Land again because I didn’t love as much as the Hollywood Foreign Press did.

Star-Spangled Dress
Emma Stone is darling and her dress was literally made of rhinestone stars. Do you think I can buy that on Amazon? I’m glad she won for La La Land because if she hadn’t, she would have been the only one to NOT win. Of course she would have lost to Meryl Streep, but still…

Man Bun
Casey Affleck knows how to rock one. He’s a modern-day Grizzly Adams.

What did you think? Should there have been more Jimmy? Do I need to watch Amazon shows? Are you going to try Drew Barrymore’s new diet?