Harrison Breaks Down Rachel’s Dudes

For the first time in Bachelor franchise history, Our Host Chris Harrison took to social media to give us a glimpse into the thirty-one men (that’s right, THIRTY-ONE MEN) who will by vying for the heart of bachelorette Rachel.

In doing so, our favorite host broke the Internet.

Here’s what Harrison had to say when headshots of the suitors appeared on the right:

Adam — “Something special will happen on night one. Wait for it.”
Alex — “His eyebrows are not as serious as they appear.”
Anthony — “He could be the Brawny Man.” (I think he meant Mr. Clean)
Blake — “Blake is an aspiring drummer. I’m an expiring rock singer. At 31, I think it’s time Blake called it a hobby.”
Blake K. — “Blake K. is a veteran. We love our veterans.”
Brady — “Brady has some serious HAIR. This year, we are going to keep up with everyone’s protein intake and how many times they shave each other.”
Bryan — “Bryan is 37. He’s ancient. He’s also a chiropractor. He adjusted all of us. He’s a good guy.”
Bryce — “ He’s a firefighter, just like Ryan Sutter, the most famous firefighter in the history of this country.”
Dean — “Dean was having a bad hair day. Don’t let the wedge frighten you. He’s better than that.”
DeMario — “You met DeMario during After the Final Rose. He may not be here for the right reasons.” (Right reasons.)
Eric — “It’s shocking that we have a personal trainer. Very rare.”
Fred — “That smile. That sweater. It’s a sharp look.” (Harrison also told us that Rachel was Fred’s camp counselor twenty years ago. He’s living out his dream to meet his crush!)
Grant — “Grant is older and accomplished.”
Ignacio — “We call him Iggy. Great guy. Nice, lovable, successful. Knows what he wants.”
Jack Stone— “He’s an attorney. Can two attorneys exist together?”
Jamey — “He’s in his thirties.”
Jedidiah — “He’s an ER physician.”
Jonathan — “Jonathan is a tickle monster. (FABULOUS PAUSE!) What? You don’t know what that is? You’re thinking creepy Uncle Bob who tickles too much? That’s not him.”
Josiah — “He’s an attorney. We’ve got a theme going on this season.”
Kenneth — “He goes by Diggy and is pretty serious.”
Kenny — “He’s a professional wrestler and cries more than anybody this season. I won’t make fun of him because he could rip by head off.”
Kyle — “He has broad shoulders and big chest…”(ANOTHER FABULOUS PAUSE.)
Lee — “Lee is a singer/songwriter. Like personal trainers, we don’t get a lot of singers who like to come on the show like it’s American Idol, coming to ABC soon. He’s a southern gent. But he rubs some of the guys the wrong way. It’s not what he says, it’s how he says it.”
Lucas — “I know what you’re thinking. What’s a ‘Whaboom?’ It’s a lifestyle. It’s an essence. He’s the guy at the party you hang out with and you don’t know if he’s strange or endearing. People are going to love him or hate him.”
Matthew “Matt” — “This is the guy who shows up in the penguin suit on night one.”
Michael — “Michael is a former ball player who goes on a basketball date with Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.” (I assume Rachel is there, too.)
Milton — “Milton is a hotel recreation supervisor. Does that mean he sits by the pool all day?”
Mohit— [Chris stares at Mohit’s picture] “You’ll be seeing him on the show.”
Peter — “Watch out for Peter.”
Robert “Rob” — “He has a Tom Cruise thing going on, doesn’t he?”
Will — “Look at that smile.”

The contestant profiles are officially up. I’ll share my personal my thoughts tomorrow.

Let the countdown to Rachel’s season begin!

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May 18, 2017 12:44 am

Based on their bios, they are all rather lame and I see a lot of frustrating annoyingness in our future.

May 18, 2017 8:24 am

Wish I had not read the bios, they would seem perfectly normal and then feel compelled to share about a threesome or bondage in bed …REALLY? Not to be a prude, but TMI guys!

May 18, 2017 8:24 am

Tickle Monster? Whaboom? Srsly? I can’t wait for the new season. Even if it is to be annoyed every week. That’s part of the fun. The comment about Mohit? Is that because he’s so forgettable or because he’s the most annoying one of all?

See y’all next week!

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