Bachelor Zach Recap | Episode 2

Two minutes into the opening scenes from this week’s episode of The Bachelor, I realize I’m getting too old for this gig. A plethora of actions and wardrobe choices produced an unsettling crankiness in me.

First, I can’t stand women screaming in unison. It grates on my nerves. I learned this odd character trait about myself when I was captain of the award-winning Hallsville Bobcat Belle drill team. I concede that celebratory shouting when a goal is achieved is more than an appropriate response. Especially when the Hallsville Bobcat football team was less than award-winning. Touchdowns were so rare! They deserved verbal praise! But the “woo hoo” issued forth from one hundred mouths simultaneously was too much. I begged the girls behind me to shout, “Way to go!” or “Good job!” or “Finally! WE SCORED!”

Few heard my cry for help.

You can imagine my visceral reaction to twenty women screaming for no logical reason as they run through the mansion, perch in bathtubs, jump on couches, and shout from a balcony, “WE LOVE YOU, ZACH!” Here are my nails. There’s a chalkboard. Down they go.

Second, I know I am not alone in my stance against mom jeans. I’ve seen your shocked Tweets. I acknowledge your emphatic DMs. This generation is clearly not listening to their elders. Zach’s roster of women is full of gorgeous beauties. Unfortunately, each and every girl who meticulously gets dressed for the day portion of her date looks like her butt is fifteen inches long. Why? I ask you again — WHY?

Speaking of bad choices, I can confirm that Greer decided to wear her snap crotch bodysuit – unsnapped – TWICE on national television. I need the ABC Psychotherapist to intervene. Immediately.

Finally, I knew I was turning into my grandmother when I became exhausted by the term “bad b!tch.” It was uttered 482 times. Literally.

On the flip side, I did enjoy the gratuitous shot of Zach soaping himself up in the shower. Although he is a nice-looking man, I found myself appreciating his manly chest hair.

Bless my heart and get off my lawn.

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER

The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. You probably aren’t even reading this because the simple disclaimer has been a part of my recap since the days I emailed this puppy to just a few of my closest friends. HA! Fooled you. You’ve skipped this amusing mockery and will not know what in the world your friends are talking about when they say, “Did you like the new disclaimer Lincee wrote?” However, if you or someone on Instagram happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying leftover Christmas candy or have an Orange Theory instructor who looks exactly like one of the bachelorettes on the show…none of this is personal. I’m sure they are all lovely people.

FIRST GROUP DATE
“I’m Looking For Big Love”

Jesse meanders into the sunken living room to remind everyone that Greer received the first-impression rose and Brianna technically isn’t Zach’s favorite but has the love of Bachelor Nation. After stoking that fire a bit, he removes the first group date envelope from his pocket. Snapless Greer reads the names of those lucky women who will be joining Zach in an abandoned warehouse.

We meet Big Latto, who Wikipedia tells me is a twenty-four-year-old American singer and rapper. She is a self-proclaimed expert on big b!tch energy and claims Zach wants to know who among the crowd has the same vibe.

Sidebar:

Zach Shallcross may be wearing a black leather jacket, but that does not mean he is seeking bad b!tch energy on his journey to find love. Especially on his very first date of the season. Remember, this dude is vanilla buttercream. Zach wants a membership to the country club and a seat on the school board. He has no interest in Big Lotto’s competition, but he signed his life away to find a wife. All bets are off.

Big Lotto scares the women into thinking other cast members will join them in the warehouse. Instead of Baby Jess and Snapless Greer, Lotto trots out three villains from previous seasons to help her judge the competition. Victoria Fuller, who was on Peter the Pilot’s season and the latest Bachelor in Paradise, Courtney, who was the winner of Fake Josh Groban’s season, and Tahzjuan, who graced Colton’s season and a previous BIP.

These three women strut the catwalk, demonstrating the proper way to harness bad b!tch energy. Then they turn the runway over to Zach’s women, who are given ten minutes, a box full of photo booth props, and a charge to grab the room’s attention.

Spoiler Alert: Zero competitors have bad b!tch energy.

Mercedes thinks hot pink gloves and a stick will do the trick. Negative. Cat crawls down the runway like a feline. Meow. Genevie accidentally chokes our bachelor with a Get In Shape Girl ribbon. Doh. Kylee sports a poor man’s version of Victoria’s Secret wings and what appears to be a lint brush. Nope. Brianna nearly gets it right by dragging a chair over but doesn’t have the guts to give him a lap dance while holding what I think was a Thor hammer. Bummer.

Then Lotto makes them take the stage one at a time to tell a story when they exemplified bad b!itch qualities. Zach clarifies that he would like to hear a time when they stood their ground. Everyone’s story includes the phrase, “And I did this by myself.” Lotto claims to be blown away by all the women.

The women are relieved to be dismissed by Lotto. They head straight for the cocktail party, where Zach wants to “cheers” them for their bravery. Kill me now.

Zach makes out with Katherine, a clear frontrunner. He pity kisses Brianna when she gives him a sob story about how no one in the house likes her since she was America’s favorite. She has no support, which is a lie because I can see her bra strap purposely looping around her neck. It’s no snapless crotch body suit, but it is an odd choice.

The girls on this date capital L-O-V-E each other and are incredibly grateful that they are a drama-free group of soon-to-be fast friends.

Enter Tahzjuan.

In case you forgot, showrunners think Tahzjuan has bad b!tch energy and are eager to see what happens when you poke a beehive. She steals Zach away from Cat and pleads her case. What will it take to get her on this particular journey to find love? Because Zach is precisely what she’s looking for in a partner.

Zach must think about it, and as he ponders, the other women confront Tahzjuan, asking about her intentions. Is she visiting? Does she have a question? Is she delivering a trophy for the b!tchiest energy?

Tahzjuan explains that as she was judging the contest, she couldn’t help but notice that Zach’s women were duds. She saw something she wanted, concluded that the competition was less-than-fierce, and decided to go after Zach herself. There will be losers in this bunch. They can’t all win his heart. So why shouldn’t she have a shot?

Tahzjuan burns every bridge and then politely smiles as Zach takes her away for additional alone time. The women seethe, threatening to leave the show if Zach even thinks about keeping Tahzjuan.

Luckily, Zach thinks it’s unfair to have Tahzjuan join his journey. He has established actual feelings for some of these ladies in less than 24 hours! He wishes Tahzjuan the best of luck, gives Katherine the date rose, and scoots off to prep for his one-on-one date.

We see Tahzjuan crying in the other room. Rejected. Humiliated. Publicly denied. Highly irritated that Big Lotto did not prepare her for the harsh reality that bad b!tches sometimes cry.

ONE-ON-ONE DATE
CHRISTINA MANDRELL
“Let’s Let Our Love Soar”

When Christina Mandrell’s name is read out loud, most of the girls clap and offer a semi-genuine smattering of applause. They know this date is essential because Christina is going to tell Zach that she has a daughter. And the only clothing option worthy of this news is a shirt made out of crocheted pot holders. With mom jeans. I die.

Zach and Christina Mandrell continue to prove through every conversation that they have nothing in common. When Zach admits his first concert was Nickelback, Christina Mandrell nearly choked on her gum. She recovered quickly when she saw the helicopter waiting outside the Range Rover window.

They cuddle close to each other, pretend to be traffic reporters, and then make out as they fly past the Hollywood sign. True shock briefly takes over Christina Mandrell’s face when Zach approaches his childhood home and boldly announces that she will be joining him at a family reunion, complete with cousins, aunts, uncles, his dad’s firefighter buddies, and big birthday cake celebrating dear old Mom.

Christina Mandrell adjusts her potholder top, fluffs her hair, and plasters on a winning smile. She was made for this moment, and she charms them all. Then, mom pulls out the Creative Memories scrapbook of Zach’s baby pictures, and we see a small crack in Christina Mandrell’s facade. Babies. Motherhood.

Christina Mandrell rips the Band-Aid a dinner and shares the news that Blakely Mae is her five-year-old pride and joy. She wants Zach to know her for who she is, but “mama” is a big part of that role. Secretly, Christina Mandrell is afraid that Zach will run off and oppose the idea of instant Dad.

Zach handles the revelation with the proper amount of emotion. Yes, he’s shocked to learn his piece of news, but he’s not judging. He claims to be proud of Christina Mandrell and interested in learning more about her daughter, but this does amend his personal timeline a bit if he were to pick the woman sitting across from him at the dinner table. Is he ready for fatherhood?

Cut to an emotional Zach telling the camera that we sometimes have to be selfish. PS: He’s overwhelmed. But that doesn’t stop him from giving her the rose so he can see where this goes.

They make out, and later Zach listens to “Photograph” on repeat and weeps.

SECOND GROUP DATE

We don’t have the privilege of seeing this segment of women in their daytime mom jeans because the date begins with a cocktail party. Zach makes sure to speak to all the women one at a time and manages to stick his tongue down most of their throats.

Most of them.

Ariel, Kaity, Greer, Anastasia, Chairty, and Jess get up in it. On the other hand, Gabi crashes and burns with her story about nicknames. Note to self: He does not like Zachy. Additionally, he couldn’t care less about the things you miss in Vermont, and please do not force him to eat maple syrup again.

This misstep lands Gabi in the driveway, crying about her lack of game. Things really turn south for Gabi when Jess is given the date rose.

ROSE CEREMONY

Zach enters the living room with an extra pep in his step. He thanks everyone for a wonderful week, including Christina Mandrell, for accompanying him to his family’s barbeque. Nineteen sets of eyeballs slant in the general direction of Christina Mandrell as she sheepishly informs our bachelor that she didn’t tell anyone that she met his family.

Interesting. Do you think she knows that she already has a bullseye on her back as the first one-on-one? Or is she playing the long game here? Discuss.

Meanwhile, Gabi gets a second shot at not being a complete dork and sticks the landing. By telling Zach that she appreciated his willingness to seek out each girl for specific one-on-one time, she endears herself to him. He even admits that he gets butterflies around her!

Zach is smitten when she presents him with a secret stash of peanut butter cups. They unwisely “Lady and the Tramp,” the candy. It doesn’t work, and we’re left watching two people make out with sticky mouths and chocolatey teeth. Gabi is back in the game!

Back in the mansion, Brianna decides it’s time to confront Christina Mandrell for that one time (read: eighteen hours ago) that she hated Brianna. Christina Mandrell is mortified and apologizes to America’s Sweetheart. Then Brianna sidles up next to Zach to snitch on Christina Mandrell for being a hater on night one.

Brianna: “There’s one person who has been pretty tough in the house. Do you want to know who it is?”
Zach: “If it’s been handled, then no.”

SNAP!

Brianna has to tread lightly. She wants Zach to know that it’s been handled. She’s resilient or has bad b!tch energy, if you will. But not being able to share the name of her nemesis leaves the moment dripping with resentment, and she can’t recover. Zach thinks she needs to take her walls down and not worry about anyone else when she’s with him. He even tells her that their conversations feel strict and proper.

THE HORROR.

Jesse clinks his glass and calls the women to the risers. Along with Katherine, Christina Mandrell, and Jess, roses go to Brooklyn, Genevie, Greer, Aly, Charity, Kaity, Gabi, Ariel, Anastasia, Kylee, Davia, Mercedes, Bailey, and Brianna.

We say goodbye to Cat, Victoria, and Kimberly.

Do you have thoughts on episode 2? Is Christina Mandrell genuine? What about Gabi’s comeback? Do you think it’s Katherine’s to lose? Or is Baby Jess a dark horse? Sound off in the comments section!

And here’s the link to our official Bachelor Bracket we are playing with my favorite sports podcast, Last Night’s Game. Join us!