Bachelor Zach Recap | Finale

I don’t want to miss this opportunity to thank those of you who actually come to this little website, preferring to read the words from my head versus listening to the words from my mouth over at the podcast. Thank you for being true OG fans of the blog, the recap, and iHateGreenBeans.

You are the cream of the crop. The tops. Simply the best. And I adore you.

What I don’t adore is what felt like seventeen hours of painstaking agony (for some) in the form of Season 27’s Bachelor finale. Lordy. This episode was the equivalent of the “American Pie” song at karaoke night. NEVER ENDING.

I’m not even going to mention the fact that everyone, including Gabi, knew that Zach was going to choose Kaity. It was a no-brainer, like, is Chris Evans handsome, or how do you fold in the cheese?

You fold it in.

Zach may have found love eons ago, but he behaved like a jackwagon. Luckily, Jesse Palmer is there to walk us through each embarrassing and unfortunate step the tall drink of water took along the way.

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER

The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. You probably aren’t even reading this because the simple disclaimer has been a part of my recap since the days I emailed this puppy to just a few of my closest friends. HA! Fooled you. You’ve skipped this amusing mockery and will not know what in the world your friends are talking about when they say, “Did you like the new disclaimer Lincee wrote?” However, if you or someone on Instagram happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying leftover Christmas candy or have an Orange Theory instructor who looks exactly like one of the bachelorettes on the show…none of this is personal. I’m sure they are all lovely people.

Ariel

Imagine Princess Leia if she was a Greek goddess in Roman times. That’s what Ariel chose to wear on her comeback tour, complete with gold lace-up stilettos. In a word, Ariel owned her moment. She remained composed, poised, and gracious.

When Zach sits down with her on the hot seat, she gently chastises him for his decision not to make fantasy week about sexual relations. Unfortunately, by taking sex off the table, Zach made the entire week about sex. Furthermore, he stirred up a big messy pile of emotions by not wanting things to get emotionally messy.

Zach confesses to Ariel that he regrets putting those parameters in place. Ariel wishes out loud, one more time, that he had been truthful with her and his actions.

Ten bucks says Ariel is in Paradise and will become exhausted by all the built-in drama. I can’t wait!

Gabi

Gabi reminds the audience that she and Zach had a special night together. But, oddly, Zach chose to return to her room the next day, when he was supposed to be on a date with Kaity, to share that he felt regret for “going against his word.”

Gabi asks if Zach regrets the hanky panky part ct that he proclaimed something boldly and didn’t follow through. She tells him that, from her perspective, Zach appears disappointed. Have his feelings changed? Zach stares blankly at Gabi and cobbles together a sentence that doesn’t technically answer the question.

Zach: “No, no. I feel like a failure. I had a weird notion that I could devise rules to find love. Does that make sense?”

Lincee: “Nope.”

Gabi: “I feel like I have a scarlet letter on my chest. Do you regret the decision you made with me?”

Zach: “That was HUGE for us! You opened my eyes and my heart!”

Lincee: “Exhibit 429 that Gabi is not the one, your Honor.”

Gabi looks at the camera and claims she feels much better, even though her face doesn’t say the same thing. What other choice does she have? She’s signed her life away to this silly show, and now she’s bonding with Zach’s mom and dad. Gabi even cries with his sisters because she is OVER TIRED and EMOTIONALLY DRAINED.

Luckily, her handlers are there to tell her that she’s ready to start her life with Zach, and now is the time to profess love before he sticks her in an SUV.

Kaity

During Kaity’s talking head moment, she tells the audience that she’s totally cool with Zach sleeping with her dear friend Gabi. She’s a wonderful girl.

Kaity also cries and bonds with Zach’s parents and sisters. It’s clear that this woman needs stability and comfort in her life. Can Zach provide it for her? I believe he will try hard to do so.

Kaity tells Zach that being part of his family would be amazing. She shares this reality with Zach, and he is overjoyed to hear that the sisters approve. I bet they all plan to get matching tattoos once they return to the states. Perhaps “Zach the Snack” or “Hellooooooo” on their lower backs.

Zach glows as Kaity changes her “I’m falling in love with you” to straight “in love.” There’s no falling. She’s hit the ground and has splattered all over the pavement. And Zach is there to put her back together again.

DATES

In a bit of a twist, the first date we see is Kaity, who hikes through a national forest in white gossamer pants and flip-flops. That feels safe. Luckily there was a waterfall at the end of said hike, which made the weird wardrobe choice make sense, but the lack of sturdy footwear was a puzzle.

Kaity begins to crumble a bit that night when Zach confesses his feelings of anxiety. Kaity praises Gabi’s personality and claims she understands why her boo is under so much stress. Zach whines about the pressure he’s under and how this week has been such a hurdle.

Kaity watches as Zach stews in his fear. She reminds him that she’s crazy in love with him and asks that he follow his heart. Although it scares her to think of a life without Zach, she wants him to be happy.

The next day, Gabi and Zach ride horses and solve all the world’s problems. We didn’t hear those solutions due to the audio outage. What do you suppose ABC was covering up? Did Zach tell Gabi he prefers blondes?

Once the sound returns, we see Gabi struggling to maintain composure as her boyfriend complains about his situation and how impossible it is to make a decision when you have two phenomenal women from which to choose. WHAT IS A MAN TO DO?

Gabi deadpans to the camera: “I have a gut feeling. It’s not me. I know what’s coming.”

That night, Gabi sort of asks Zach his feelings, knowing he can’t very well tell her the entire truth. He talks in circles and ends up making her feel worse when he breaks down about his inability to decide.

Zach: “My heart is being tugged in two places.”

Lincee: “No more words, please.”

Zach: “I’m taking this very seriously. I just don’t know what I’m going to do.”

Lincee: “Seriously. Stop. Talking.”

Zach kisses Gabi on the forehead and walks out of her hotel room. Then he cries pretty hard tears for someone who has no clue what he’s going to do. Exhibit 584, your Honor.

The Lowes

Catherine and Sean are still as dorky as ever. They are also happy. I’ll take it.

Rose Ceremony

The camera pans over Gabi’s yellow highlighter dress long enough for us to be one hundred percent sure that the first shoe out of the SUV is hers. We didn’t expect Gabi’s shoe to land in a muddy spot, and her quick request for the driver to make sure NOT to drop Kaity off in the same sloppy area.

Exhibit 843.

Gabi is a dead man walking up to Jesse. She tells him she knows what’s about to happen. Jesse doesn’t even try to console her but instead gently maneuvers her toward the proposal pedestal in the sand.

Zach attempts a compliment sandwich. He showers her with lovely memories and accolades. When he reaches the “but,” Gabi stops him abruptly.

Gabi: “I know. You don’t have to say it.”

Zach: “But I just feel…”

Gabi: I don’t want to hear it.”

Zach: “I need to finish my compliment sandwich. You deserve a man who…”

Gabi: “I knew this was coming. Why didn’t you tell me when you knew?”

Gabi mumbles to herself through choking tears, “You’ve known. You’ve known!” Zach literally doesn’t know what to do. Should he hug her? Should he explain?

Realizing she’s about to lose it on live television, Gabi summons the courage to wish Zach well and applauds him for choosing Kaity. But, when Zach tries to stop her to apologize, she keeps walking, noting that she does not need his apology.

He follows her all the way to the rejection SUV. I yell, “GET IN THE CAR” the entire time, hoping he doesn’t hug her at this moment. Gabi listens and politely wishes Zach goodbye before hopping in the car, taking off her shoes, and sobbing.

Gabi in the Hot Seat

The camera switches to sweet, darling, maple syrup-loving Gabi, silently crying in the studio hot seat. I would have immediately felt sorry for her, but the massive sequin shoulder pads threw me for a loop. I know Jeese asked her questions, but my eyes couldn’t get past her severe black gown’s deep, plunging neckline. And how can a ponytail be so slick? Did she use oil of some sort?

This was a miss for me. Someone told Gabi to dress like a gladiator, ready to fight in the Thunderdome. She should have taken a page from Ariel’s book and leaned into a softer look.

Thankfully, her stylist recommended waterproof mascara. As Jesse probes her with questions, Gabi is able to take his handkerchief and dab baby tears from the corners of her eyes. She’s hurting. It’s obvious. She took this seriously and never considered it a game.

Jesse wastes no time diving into the fantasy suite week. Gabi explains that she and Zach made the decision to sleep together because they were in love. However, she didn’t know about Zach telling everyone, including the viewing audience, about their night together. And she feels extremely violated.

When Zach arrives on the hot seat, Gabi takes control and gets it all out. Why would he expose publically what happened privately? Especially when they had a conversational pact to keep it between themselves. She ends her time by wishing that Zach would have sent her home to save her some pain. Instead, “Sex sells, and I’m the narrative.”

Ouch.

Jesse wisely gives Zach thirty seconds to respond. He does with an apology. He can’t right the wrong. And he will never forget her.

Yes, that’s weak, but if they had given him any more time, I think his words would have sent Gabi to the bed to lay in the fetal position while eating Cheetos and watching Friends on repeat.

Am I the only one who handles breakups that way? Anyone?

Kaity on the Hot Seat

Surprise, surprise, Kaity is the one! And she has the Uncle Neil ring and the final rose to prove it.

Call me crazy, but Zach didn’t look overly excited to see his fiance when she walked onto the stage, but it could have been creative editing. Whatever the case may be, the pair claim to be in love. They are also moving in together this summer and plan to marry in 2025.

That gives them eighteen months to figure out who gets to put their stuff in the IKEA dresser they built together.

And that’s a wrap on Season 27 of The Bachelor! Charity’s season debuts on June 26, but beware, they are pushing the time slot an hour later! So get the caffeine ready because we will be up all night long!