I’d like to start this recap with a little Bachelor-related house cleaning. ABC has bombarded us with new and exciting information in the last few weeks and I feel it is my duty to keep you guys informed.

1. Vienna and Jake have split up.
I know we are all shocked at this revelation. If you visit any gossip related website, you will more than likely find a link that simply says they are done. If you dig further, you may find rumors that Vienna cheated on Jake. Clearly, this is not the wings of love way. ABC would like to remind all of us that Trista and Ryan are happily married with two kids and Jason and Molly are still together too.

2. The Bachelor Pad
Go to People.com to see a list of “contestants” or participants as I like to call them. Feel free to weigh in on the comment section of this post from last week.

3. Casey James is NOT the next Bachelor
Several people emailed/called/Facebooked/tweeted me about Our Host Chris Harrison’s announcement on his Twitter account that American Idol third runner-up and general lover of the ladies would be our next Bachelor. I have it on good authority from a source who would know that Our Host was joking. (Cue Jason Castro’s version of Jeff Buckley’s “Hallelujah” now.)

4. An Addition to My Christmas Wish List
Apparently, Reid is taking a few of his Bachelor buddies on a cruise. Follow this link for details, but beware…I hear there are spoilers. Don’t email me and tell me the spoilers. Because that’s just annoying. I don’t like spoilers. Reid wearing a Santa hat? I can get behind that. Spoilers? Not so much. http://www.reidandfriendscruise.com/default.html

I’ve procrastinated long enough. Here goes nothing…

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone on your Twitter account happens to personally know, sort of know, friends with the nephew/former classmate of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying New Moon on DVD or have a Jazzercize instructor that looks exactly like one of the Bachelors on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

After a brief recap of last week’s show, the producers insist on driving home the theme of “finding love in Iceland.”

Ty: “We flew from California to New York City and now…I’m ready to find love in Iceland.”

Robert-o: “I never thought I would find love in Iceland.”

Craig the Informer: “We’re going to Iceland. To find love. That’s crazy!”

Kasey: “Who will find love in Iceland? That would be me. I’ve got the rose right here. FOR-EV-ER.”

The ABC intern provides all the Bachelors with big, furry hats. Robert-o exudes heat and doesn’t require head gear. They meet Our Host Chris Harrison in what appears to be a town square. He’s in a navy blue sweater, gingham shirt and jeans. Not only is he not wearing a hat, but he goes one step further than Robert-o and forgoes a coat.

Much like the Icelandic volcano that recently awoke from its slumber after 200 years of dormancy, Harrison is on fire.

OHCH: “Guys. I’m going to need you to line up. Nice hats. Listen. This week, we are going to have a one-on-one date, a group date and the dreaded two-on-one date. First up is the one-on-one. We’re mixing it up a bit and have decided that you guys will have to compete for the date. No, no. There will be no arm wrestling or flip cupping as suggested by the ABC intern. My idea of seeing which one of you yahoos can correctly identify Macallan’s 1926 from a line-up of rare whiskeys was the definite winner. Unfortunately, I polished off the entire bottle at the Blue Lagoon. So here’s the deal. You have to write a love poem and perform it in front of Ali and each other. You get extra points if you slide in an Icelandic term or two. Normally, I would tell you that you have an hour and then I would leave you to go off and do something that requires charm and charisma. But I’m still buzzing from my $38,000 per bottle cocktail and have a feeling that this is going to be entertaining. You have until the clock chimes.”

The Bachelors scurry off to find locals willing to teach them Icelandic phrases. Kirk corners shop keepers, Cape Cod Chris figures no one will know the difference and begins making phrases up and PG Justin realizes it doesn’t matter if he’s on crutches in the middle of the street with a goofy hat and camera crew…people just don’t like him and refuse to render help.

The clock tower chimes and Harrison calls the boys back. He laughs at their cold breath and freezing fingerless gloves. He announces Ali’s arrival. She looks like the girl on the Swiss Miss package with the addition of a huge hot pink parka. The guys “ow” her and she welcomes them to Iceland with a signature woo hoo.

Craig the Informer
“I’ve been working on my Icelandic. Osh mosh oosh tan. That means at the end of this journey, I would like nothing more than to be your man. I have a confession Ali. I made up that Icelandic and took a chance. I will do anything to win your heart and end this journey with romance.”

Ali laughed appropriately. Craig hails himself the winner.

Kasey
“In mind and heart…something…my body is as cold as ice. For what’s to come transforms…something…and becomes very precise.”

Cape Cod Chris: “Kasey was mumbling. I don’t know if it was the cold, but we couldn’t understand him. We needed subtitles.”

And ABC heard his plea! Enter subtitles.

Kasey
“I’m falling for you Ali and I just want you to know
And I promise you Ali…you’ll always have my…chest.”

Ali giggles.

Kasey: “She loved my poem. She was smiling. I’m confident I’m going to get that one-on-one. I have my heart on my sleeve and my shield on my wrist. I am the man.”

Ty gives her a little bit of southern charm. PG Justin acts as if it is his first time to recite anything from a piece of paper. Robert-o crashed and bombed with a little too much Icelandic pentameter. Ali looked bored out of her mind. Harrison, still riding his buzz, loves every minute. I counted the bumps on my ceiling.

Cape Cod
“I want to take you to meet the fam.
And I’ll even make you some eggs and ham.
Two important things are loften and flinger.
This is the end because I can’t make anything rhyme with that.”

Harrison claps enthusiastically.

Trista’s Ryan
“Ali I believe we need to go out.
The bells that have been ringing today
Have brought me these thoughts that I need to say.
Like some um…I forgot the rest of my lines.”

Harrison gives him a thumbs up.

Kirk [walking slowly and methodically up to Ali]:
Los Angeles is where our journey has begun.
It’s where I noticed your adorable freckles in the sun. [brushes her cheek]
Next off to New York I found myself falling
Into your rich root beer ice. (or eyes as I later figured out)
Our journey now has led us both somewhere cold.
But it’s here in Iceland I’m hoping aus coor our ore.
Or in English…our love will unfold.

Harrison gives him an assuring nod of the head.

Finally, Frank is up. He has written a number of love poems in his day and professes to the camera that he’s actually pretty good at this.

“Sometime ago I traveled overseas.
With the girl I loved, she made me weak in the knees.
My heart has since broken, my faith was torn
Then I looked in your eyes and a new hope was born.

[Frank walks over and SITS with Ali on the bench.]

Again I’ll follow my heart because I trust it with you.
You’re honest, genuine, sweet and kind of cute too.
As they say here in Iceland “irevi diche dense”
I wish I knew what that meant or if it even made sense.”

Ali can’t decide if she likes that Frank came over and made contact or if the phrase “kind of cute” is offensive. In the end, she gives the one-on-one date rose to Kirk.

Ali: “Thank you guys. That was sooo fun. I would have hoped you learned by Robert-o’s Lion King example…if you come up to me and make me feel special and refrain from back-ended compliments, it holds a little more weight. Since I haven’t had a one-on-one with Kirk yet, I’m picking him. He has such great energy. (Read: we make out all the time.) He has a joy for life that is infectious. (Read: we make out all the time.) He is positive and gentle and I’m excited I get to explore Iceland with him. (Read: we’ve never made out in the snow.)

Ali and Kirk go to a nearby tacky sweater shop and proceed to try on everything in the store. Ali laughs as Kirk tries on women’s shrugs. They decide to buy matching outfits and a loaf of stale bread so Kirk can teach Ali how to feed swans. I’m not sure what teaching curriculum went into this task, but Kirk was excited to see that Ali was able to do it!

At their lunch break, Ali asks Kirk to tell her about his dating history. Kirk gives her a somber look, lowers his head and takes a huge breath.

Great. Another “I was married before” speech. But wait! That character has already been cast with Southern Ty. I am intrigued. Let’s listen in.

Kirk: “I haven’t dated anyone for more than a year.”
Ali: “I don’t’ see how that’s possible. You are so lovable.”

Kirk: “I’ve dated some great women. I can’t say a bad thing about them. We can talk about that later though.”

YES! My guess is that Kirk doesn’t want to tell her that he dated Lady GaGa. Or maybe he was a stripper at a club in Wisconsin and his dancer name was an ode to his favorite cyclist…Lance Armschlong. LIVE STRONG!

The ever astute Ali is concerned that Kirk is holding something back. She pushes him further to come clean with his super dark secret.

Kirk: “As long as you know where I’m coming from, you’ll know where I’m going.”
Lincee: Great way to start us off Kirk. This is going to be GOOD!

Kirk: “Five years ago, I got pretty sick. Literally, I wasn’t sure if I was going to see the next day. I moved into an old house in college. Then I developed breathing problems. I lost 15 pounds. I had shrunken cheeks and eyes popped out. My left side was numb.”
Lincee: I’m not following where this is going.

Kirk: “There was mold in the house. My nervous and digestive systems were affected by asbestos.”

I have to admit that it was a sad story. But part of me wanted the excitement and drama of a drag queen fetish or something.

Kirk further reels Ali in by telling her that his sickness make him realize the importance of true relationships and that he wants to surround himself with people who help him grow. Ali tells Kirk he is inspirational. Kirk tells Ali he gets lost in her eyes and he feels his spirit rise and they make out at the dinner table.

Back at the hotel, roomies Frank and Kasey are having a heart to heart about their hearts. Frank thinks that Kasey is about to go over the edge and he’s going to give him just right amount of ammunition to take that leap of faith.

Kasey: “If I’m not here for love, I don’t know what I’m here for. I came here to open up. I got this tattoo to be someone. To be a man for Ali. To be a man for that woman.”

Frank: “Show her the tat man.”

Kasey: “I don’t want to show her my heart on my sleeve when it’s a do or die situation. I’m with the Wrestler on a two-on-one date. I don’t want it to look like I got this as one last attempt to stick around. I’m trying to be the man of her dreams. I want to guard and protect her heart.”

Frank: “I think it’s your time to shine. SHOW HER THE TAT. Send the Wrestler back home…or to the ring…where he belongs.”

Kasey: “I’m a dreamer, a lover, a believer. Physical pain is nothing. Emotional pain sucks. If I get sent home, I will be destroyed. I can’t guard and protect her heart from America when she is here in Iceland. What do I do?”

Frank: “Show her the tat.”

Group Date
Southern Ty
Trista’s Ryan
Cape Cod Chris
Craig the Informer
Frank

Ali: “Holding the reigns of six horses is pretty hard. And I’m in this uncomfortable snow suit thing and I feel awkward. Do you know what else is awkward? Having to hand out a rose during a group date. That’s why I didn’t do it last time. But the producers are making me this time. I can’t feel my teeth and it hasn’t even started yet. And I hear we have to go down into a cave. I hate caves. What do I look like, Batman? This is so annoying. Oh look. Here come the boys. HEY BOYS! WOO HOO! I HAVE HORSES!”

Southern Ty: “Well this is right up my alley.”
Lincee: That’s dirty.

Southern Ty: “No. I meant riding horses. I’m good at this. Because I’m from the south. We have horse riding classes instead of algebra in ninth grade.”
Lincee: Oh. My bad.

For the next 20 minutes, Ty channels his inner cowboy and totally takes the lead. He helps Ali with her riding helmet. He helps Cape Cod when his saddle falls off. He pokes fun at Craig the Informer for getting stuck with the miniature pony. And he leaves former front runners Robert-o and Frank in a cloud of his dust behind him.

When they come to the opening of a cave, Cape Cod decides to take matters in his own hands and volunteers to spelunk down into the depths of Iceland first. He realizes that Ali will be second and he will have about 10 minutes of precious alone time with her while the other boys repel down. He even shares his gloves with Ali when she complains that her fingers are freezing.

Once everyone has spelunked, Ali woo hoo’s the fact that they are going exploring!

Lord PLEASE let there be a picnic in the cave.

Sadly, that was not the case. Instead, they picnic on top of a glacier. It was as boring as it sounds.

Ali: “Ty has been amazing. (snot) Craig is so funny. (snot) Frank has been non-existent. That’s his choice. If he falls behind, that’s fine. (snot) I have a ton of other guys who want to get to know me (snot). Okay. I truly can’t feel my ears. How in the world are we going to get out of here?”

Robert-o begins fashioning a paraglide out of thermoses, riding helmets, his snow suit and bits of ice chips. This one will be built for two.

Ali takes the boys over to the Blue Lagoon. It’s basically a lake-size hot tub in the middle of a glacier. Steam is everywhere. And speaking of steamy, Ali steps right out of her snow suit to reveal a string bikini. That sound you heard was five jaws dropping to the floor. All agree it was the sexiest thing they’ve ever seen.

Southern Ty gets the first one-on-one time. She wraps her legs around him and he carries her around in the pool. She likes that he was so helpful today. Just like a butler. We do not see them kiss.

Cape Cod takes her to some sort of grotto and they make out. Frank’s blood begins to boil and not because he’s sitting in a hot tub.

Cut to PG-Rated crutching out of the hotel. What in the world? Is ABC just letting these guys do whatever they want with no respect for the official Bachelor rules? I guess they felt we needed an action sequence. PG is allowed to go to the doctor and get his cast off and fit for a walking boot. Then he throws his crutches away in a trash bin and declares wrestling WAR on Kasey.

PG: “The pressure is on Kasey. My hand is twitching. That means my adrenaline is kicking in. You better watch out.”

Kasey: “What makes you so confident?”
PG: “You are just a hurdle. There is one rose and someone is going home. And that person isn’t going to be me.”

Meanwhile, Frank finds a hospital bathroom to have an intimate conversation with Ali while sitting in robes.

Ali: “What is your deal dude? For some reason we have great chemistry. And the last two dates, you are taking a back seat. You know what? I don’t even see you. It’s a competition for crying out loud. It’s not about the boys. It’s about ME! And you were one of the first to get that and now you’ve lost it. You need to step up your game or you could be going home. Icelandic Air is happy to drop you off in Paris on our way to Turkey.”

Frank: “You are right. I forgot. I came to Iceland to fall in love with you. I hope you forgive me.”

Ali gives him a token peck on the cheek and returns to the hot tub. She grabs the frozen rose, talks about how the day was sooooo amazing and gives the rose to Southern Ty.

Two-On-One
Kasey
PG Justin

PG Justin is geared up for this competition. If Kasey is going to get a rose, he has to earn it. He hopes the tattoo works to his advantage.

Hey look! A helicopter!

Ali looks like she would rather be anywhere else other than falling in love in Iceland when PG walks up sans crutches. He declares that he cut off his cast for her and refrains from giving her a piece of said cast when Kasey offers her a lock of his hair in a baggie.

They fly over the spewing volcano. Lots of comparisons of spewing lava and PG Justin’s hatred of Kasey and vice versa.

PG: “I want Kasey to doubt everything. I’m looking at a volcano and I feel a volcano inside me. I’m waiting or the 1, 2, 3 count and waiting for the bell to ring so I can hold the belt…or in this case Ali…in my victory.”

Ali: “The volcano was amazing. And it just started spewing lava. I wanted to just sit back and enjoy it, but I have crazy in my helicopter and needed to be on my game.”

Kasey: “I’m sitting next to my future wife. I see a huge volcano erupting and don’t share my window. This is the best day. Ali gives me a kiss, gives me a rose and sends the Wrestler home.”

Ali helps PG-Justin walk through the icy patches to a cave filled with ice furniture and candles. Kasey sticks his tongue on everything frozen to show Ali he’s in it for love.

PG-Justin and Ali visit in the ice living room. Ali admits that she is bummed because someone is going home. PG encourages her not to worry about the other guys and just look at this as one step closer to her future husband. She thanks him and gives him a hug.

Outside, Kasey is guarding and protecting Ali’s heart while choking on hot coffee.

Ali: “I told Kasey I couldn’t handle how mushy gushy he was with me. The only thing he has to do is be normal today.”

Easier said than done my friend.

Ali [speaking slowly and calmly]: “How ya doing little buddy? You okay?”
Kasey: “It’s funny you bring that up. I thought about how you wanted me to prove my sincerity.”

Ali: “Did I say that? I don’t think I said that.”
Kasey: “And the only way to show you that I will guard and protect your heart is to do something crazy that will stick with me for the rest of my life. So I got a tattoo.”

Silence

Ali: “That’s really neat-o Kasey. When did you do that?”
Kasey: “In New York. See? It’s a shield protecting my heart. And there are 11 studs in the armor. Because 11 studs are chasing you. And one rose. Because no matter what, I don’t want to forget this memory. Someday, I can give this rose to my final wife. I hope she will guard and protect my heart. I am who I am and that’s never going to change.”

Ali: “I don’t want you to change. Thank you for being you. That tattoo is special.”
Lincee: Special is right.

Back at the helicopter, Ali stands behind a line of burly men to tell Kasey that she thinks it’s better if he looks elsewhere for his perfect match. He said he wanted to find true love in Iceland, and she doesn’t want to hold him back.

I’m hoping he finds someone in Iceland because the helicopter left him to guard and protect his heart on the volcano.

Ali: “I’m one hundred percent positive that it was right to let Kasey go. Pulling away to see him standing on the glacier sucked. Shouldn’t someone follow him to make sure he doesn’t stalk me? Whatever. I can’t celebrate because I felt so bad about Kasey. What if he gets frost bite or something? And I hardly know who Justin is. I wish Kirk was here so we could make out.”

PG [to the camera]: “The bottom line is that Tattoo went down. He self destructed and made it easy for me to get a rose. Actually two roses…one to Justin and one to Rated R.”

Excuse me why I gag.

Rose Ceremony

In a subtle shout-out to ABC’s parent company Disney, Ali descends the stairs wearing a black Grecian dress with Mickey Mouse bedazzled on her shoulder.

Frank takes immediate action and steals her away just before she sits down to talk about how bummed out she is that Kasey had to protect his own heart on a glacier.

Frank is also trying to make all black ensembles with bright plaid ties happen.

Frank: “As we were on the date, I knew it wasn’t me. You are a smart girl and you called me out. Kudos Ali. I miss you.”

The kiss and Frank begins to cry. Ali is flattered. Frank loses points in my book.

Craig the Informer admits that he is more nervous than the time he gave a speech in front of his law school.

Craig: “I love the group dates. I’m an expert at them. I was thinking that even in the short time we’ve had together, I’ve felt I wanted to do something to show how I’m feeling…”

And Craig whips out hand-drawn tattoo on his wrist. Ali and I laugh hysterically. Craig gains points in my book.

The ABC producers force Trista’s Ryan to have a conversation with Ali so the viewing audience will know without a shadow of a doubt that there was no love connection in Iceland.

Ali: “Tell me something I don’t know about you.”
Trista’s Ryan: “My girlfriend told me once that I was so funny.”

The silence was eerie.

Ali: “What is your guilty pleasure?”
Trista’s Ryan: “I love Mexican food.”

Frank and Kirk agree that the two look like friends who have brunch once a year.

Cape Cod decides to open up a little more and tells Ali that he would collect garbage in San Francisco if it meant being with her.

CC: “If I’m half the husband my Dad was, I’m doing damn good and you are one lucky lady.”

TEAM CAPE COD!

Robert-o takes Ali outside to keep her warm in the below freezing temperatures. He whispers sweet Spanish nothings into her ear and makes her melt. Ali admits that she would have never approached Robert-o in normal circumstances because he is super hot.

Robert-o: “I’m not that hot.”

For the first time the season, Our Host Chris Harrison takes Ali away for some couch time in the traveling Pier One bureau room.

OHCH: “Let’s start with Kasey. He’s straight up crazy. Guarding your heart? C’mon! What’s your take?”
Ali: “Kasey fell in love with the idea of falling in love. I truly want him to find happiness.”

OHCH: “So he’ll quit sending you his toe nail clippings in the mail?”
Ali: “Seriously. How are his packages getting past security.”

OHCH: “I paid the intern to intercept them from the producers and put them on your door step. It humors me. So who are you sending home?”
Ali: “I don’t know.”

OHCH: “According to my script, I’m supposed to say that you are afraid to let yourself fall in love and then you are supposed to reflectively pause.”
Ali: “I don’t want to get hurt.”

OHCH: “Let go of your fear…guys. Really? Let go of your fear? We all know she’s going to send Trista’s Husband back to the fire station. Let me be funny. Let me make the audience laugh. Check this out. A rabbi, priest and a Lutheran minister walk into a bar…”
Ali: “They’re calling me Chris. I have to go.”

In the least dramatic rose ceremony of show history, roses go to:
Kirk
Southern Ty
PG-Justin
Frank
Cape Cod
Robert-o
Craig the Informer

Trista’s Husband’s limo confessional: “I’m at a loss for words. (no joke) I’m shattered by this whole thing. I have lots of qualities. I like Mexican food for instance. Had I stuck around, I would have told her about my love for angel food cake. And then there’s Chinese takeout. This is the worst pain ever.”

Next week, the group finds love in Istanbul. Not Constantinople. Southern Ty has a one-on-one date with Ali. Frank carries a carpet. The boys fight for Ali’s affections.

And a random female calls Ali to reveal that one of the guys has a girlfriend! Dum, dum, DUM!

Sounds somewhat dramatic.

Until then, I’m all about the shame, not the fame,

Lincee