So there I was on my way to Long Beach to begin another rig tour in California. Very much looking forward to enjoying the nice warm weather and taking a long wog (walk/jog) on the beach.

We land and it’s 57 degrees. Guess who didn’t bring a jacket?

I head out to my hotel pool to write this recap and there are two girls sunbathing. In this weather. I, in my cargo pants and long-sleeved t-shirt decide to join them, hoping that the sun will warm my chilly bones. I’m typing along in my own world when I hear a big splash. Followed by another. I look up to find the bathing beauties exercising in the pool doing some weird jumping up and down thing.

I figure they must be from North Dakota here on vacation. I’m sure 57 is blistering hot to these ladies.

On with the show…

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. You probably aren’t even reading this because the simple disclaimer has been a part of my recap since the days I emailed this puppy to just a few of my closer friends. HA! Fooled you. You’ve skipped this amusing mockery and will not know what in the world your friends are talking about when they say, “Did you like the new disclaimer Lincee did?” However, if you or someone on your Facebook page happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying Spring Oreos or have a Jazzercise instructor that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.
There’s my boy! Our host Chris Harrison. Love him. He is greeted with a shriek of excitement when he tells our lovely Bachelorettes that there is one group date, in which a lucky girl will get a rose, and then two one-on-one dates where Matty has to make the decision to send a girl packing or give her another shot at British love. Amanda is asked to read the contents of the first box.

First One-on-One
Holly
A private premiere

Holly is the cute children’s book author with short blonde hair that reminds you of someone that you can’t put your finger on. (I’m thinking Baby Spice ten years ago?) She is confident in the chemistry that she has with Matty and is looking forward to getting to know him on an intimate level.

Matty tells her they will be attending a private premiere of the soon-to-be-released romantic comedy “Made of Honor” starring Gray’s Anatomy’s own Patrick Dempsey. They whiz down Hollywood Boulevard to a “red carpet event.”

Here’s where it gets lame.

They arrive at Mann’s Chinese Theater, making a dramatic exit from the limo. Photographers go nuts snapping pictures, but secretly wonder who is this mysterious Brit and why does ABC want his picture taken? Is he royalty? Must be since the producer slipped each member of the paparazzi a 5o dollar bill to show enthusiasm as if this were a real red carpet that actual people attended. And how did they get the Access Hollywood chick to interview the pair?

My guess is that the premiere was probably in an hour and ABC was allowed to shoot some footage. They decided to take advantage of the free publicity. Mann’s threw them a bone and let the couple put their hands in wet cement for some more fake photography. The ABC intern then pushed them head first back into the limo and they gave up their front row spot for some real entertainment. They probably visited a few LA hot spots and then returned to Mann’s for their private screening.

Lots of footage from “Made of Honor.” Someone at ABC is definitely married to someone at Sony Pictures. They eat popcorn, laugh in all the right places and Holly even sheds a few tears. She believes in the fairy tale romance and Matty finds this endearing. Holly says Matt is the most charming man she has ever met.

Matty takes Holly to a hotel where they have a roof-top view of Hollywood Boulevard. He steers her over to a wicker couch with fluffy pillows and fleece blankets and asks her about her career. Holly talks about how she writes books for the kids she used to babysit. Matty, for some reason, chooses this moment to thank her for being so cool and extremely attractive.

Later at dinner, Matty asks Holly if he is what she is looking for in a man. Holly straightens her back, looks him dead in the eye, removes the lollipop from her mouth and answers, “Absolutely.”

Matty’s response? “My concern is that we are too comfortable in a way. I want to make sure there is enough electricity.”

MAYDAY MAYDAY HOLLY! BEWARE OF THE “SISTER” CARD! TREAD LIGHTLY!

Meanwhile, back at the mansion, Shayne has discovered the Hollywood handprint square at the front door. She gives one of her best high pitched shrills for the other girls to join her as they decipher the mysterious code.

“Matt hearts Holly. Holly loves Matt. Who do you think wrote that? What does it mean?”

Oh Shayne.

They call Holly a beyotch and I was half expecting them to hoist it over their heads and break the thing. Now that would have been good TV.

Back at the penthouse, HOT TUB TIME! Yes! Are those bubbles I see? Go ABC intern! Way to mix it up and keep us on our hot tub toes! This is about as interesting as the time you forgot to turn on the jets with Firestone and Jenn. (Still the best hot tub moment EVER.)

Matty is literally making Holly sweat about the rose. She’s getting nervous that there is no electricity. It’s time to dive in tongue first. Did anyone else notice the dripping noise during the make out session? Was it just me? It’s been about five minutes and Matty decides to let her off the hook and fork over the flower. She accepts and he pulls her to him across the tub. I found this extremely attractive. Is this too much information? To quote Shayne, “Whatever.”

We then have another five minute tight shot of the rose. Ironically, it was between the two and the camera man had no choice but to hold still on Holly’s boob (where the rose was resting) for a good 30 seconds. Not caring about her boob, I notice the sweet diamond heart earrings she’s wearing.

Anyone else loving Holly?

Group Date
Rugby
Christine
Amanda
Chelsea
Hot Dog Erin
Noelle
Robin
Marsh
Kelly
Ashley
Amy

I have to hand it to him. The ABC intern was busy preparing for tonight’s episode people. Not only was he in charge of a fake red carpet premiere and bubbles for the hot tub, but he had to track down the nearest Academy Sports and Outdoors store in order to score ten pairs of black Jerzees shorts from the junior high cheerleading section. And where did he find striped knee socks? Brilliant.

Matty is interested to see who puts the most effort into learning the sport that is important to him. Who cares if they have to pick their shorts out of their cracks every five seconds? Or have to use their hands to cover their cheeks when bending over during the random gym teacher’s calisthenics warm-up? It’s just part of the beautiful game of rugby. Get used to it.

Low and behold, we find out that Robin blew him away. Matty thinks she picked it up quickly, gave it her all and admits that he finds that hot.

WE NOW INTERRUPT THIS RECAP FOR OUR FIRST “WHAT THE CRAP” MOMENT IN THIS SEASON’S BACHELOR…

Picture it…Holly lounging on her bed reminiscing about Matty and Shayne on her bed complaining that she can’t go to a tanning bed to prepare for her date with the Bachelor.

Shayne: “I’m so white. I can’t believe I can’t tan.”
Holly: “I brought my spray tan machine with me.”
Lincee: “What the crap?”

Shayne: “Shut up! You do not have a spray tan machine with you.”
Holly: “I do. I just don’t want everyone using it.”
Lincee: “What the CRAP?”

Shayne (doing a happy dance): “I’m gonna tan! I’m gonna tan! I’m gonna tan!”
Lincee: “WHAT THE CRAP?”

We next witness Shayne standing in the bathtub, a big black box conveniently editing her naughty parts, as she stands spread legged while Holly meticulously sprays the tan back and forth and back and forth and back and forth in even tones.

What. The. Crap.

THIS “WHAT THE CRAP” MOMENT HAS BEEN BROUGHT TO YOU BY SONY PICTURES’ “MADE OF HONOR” STARRING ABC’S GOLDEN BOY PATRICK DEMPSY.

Back at the rugby game, Matty has nominated Kelly and Marshana as team captains. Poor Picker Ashley is picked last. She sulks a bit and writes the beginning of a sad song in her head. If only she can get the Bachelor alone to sing it to him…

BEST LINE OF THE NIGHT:
Chelsea: “If you wear fake eyelashes to a rugby game, you deserve to be picked last.”

Chelsea knocks Ashley down with full force. Fierce!
Someone knocks Marsh down accidentally. Whoa!
And…no one goes to check on her because they think she is being dramatic. Ouch.

We find her running off landing on her hands and knees about 50 feet from the rugby game. She has a busted lip and refuses to wipe the blood away before the other girls and Matt can see. Nice.

Matty decides that it’s time to get these girls out of their short shorts and into something more comfortable…their swim suits. He hoists Marshana up off the ground and helps her over to the group. He announces that Kelly’s team has won and that they are all invited to his house for an after party. Marshana is hanging on to him for dear life.

The girls go on and on about how his house is amazing. Robin fantasizes about being in his bed with him. Marshana thinks that Matty is so thoughtful for arranging to have masseurs for them after a hard hitting day.

The girls change into their bikinis, cocktails in hand, and head to the hot tub. They all squish in, waiting for Matty to join them. We see a flash of white behind their heads and hear a big splash…Matty has cannonballed into the pool.

Oh Matty.

After a quick dip in the hot tub with the girls, Matty invites Kelly to have a joint massage with him. Let the sexual innuendos fly! “I like it hard. I like laying down next to you. Do you like it hard?”

Classy chick.

Next thing we know, Kelly is beside Matty’s massage bed fondling his arm. Then she’s on his back massaging his neck making moaning noises. Then she’s standing on the bed, showing us her chop stick legs. Can we get this girl a sandwich? I can’t decide from Matty’s facial expression if he found this erotic or just plain weird. She later shares with the other girls that she was trying to figure out where he was ticklish.

Okay.

On to Robin. Let’s face it…she’s got a little crazy tendencies in her, but she does know how to play the game. She finds Matty and asks him to join her in the hot tub. She tells him she’s not in to doing stupid things to get his attention. He thinks that she is down-to-earth and he likes how she gets her hands dirty. He then pulls her to him (again…I’m attracted) and they make out.

Poor Amanda feels like Matty has an idea in his head that she’s boring and reserved. They go to the fire pit and talk about how they are comfortable around each other and then begin an interesting conversation about music they like. I believe my heart skipped a beat when Matty mentioned George Michael.

They were right in the middle of a gripping conversation about “Father Figure” when Old Soul Noelle and Mute Christine approach the fire pit area and sit down. Matty and Amanda smile politely. Awkward silence. Noelle and Christine have no game. They don’t even try to join in the conversation. So Mandy and Matty face each other and continue their great debate.

Matty later gives the date rose to an amazing person who he’s had an amazing evening with and who has amazing moves on rugby field…the amazing Robin. She’s simply amazing.

Chelsea doesn’t think she deserved the rose and curses at the camera. Kelly says she would never date Robin even if she was a dude, swigs straight out of the tequila bottle and belches in the camera.

One-on-One Date Two
Shayne
Wine Tasting

Holly and Shayne find her date box on the front stoop. For some reason Holly goes to the box. I found that confusing until she said, “The envelope says it’s for Holly. I’m just kidding!”

Isn’t Holly a hoot?

Matty tells the camera that he is going on a hot date in a hot car with a hot girl. He reminds us that there is a rose up and he must decide if he is sending her home.

Shayne: “Could you imagine if he sends me home? I would die.”
Lincee: “Nice fedora Shayne.”

All the girls come out and watch them drive off in the car. Shayne leans over, grabs his arm, adjusts the hat, blots the lipstick and finds her best baby voice when Matty announces they are going to a wine tasting.

Shayne: “Matt! That’s AMAZING. A wine estate…really?”

Matt admits that he is in to Shayne, but has some big concerns regarding her tantrums and character clashes. (Love the description.) He tells her he is fascinated by her career and intrigued by her parents.

Shayne: “Why?”
Matty: “Because family is important. You are very mysterious when it comes to your family.”

Shayne: “It’s not like you would know who my dad is…whatever. I mean he’s Lorenzo Lamas and was on a show called Renegade. It’s no big deal really. He’s an actor. My grandfather was an actor. I’m an actor. It’s just a job. An actor’s family doesn’t mean anything, but that’s normal. I mean, who cares, right? I’m looking for love. I moved out when I was 17. I’m more mature than most 22-year-olds. My first job was when I was three. I was an extra on a Tropicana orange juice commercial. The director said I was the next big thing but that’s not what we are talking about. We’re here for you. And what you think about you. You and me. Me. What do you think about me?”

Matty: “When do you see yourself getting married?”
Shayne: “Marriage is huge! I mean, I’m not ready to get married tomorrow…I just want to …I mean…I am ready NOW.”

Cut to Matty and Shayne walking to a big fluffy pile of down comforters and pillows in front of a fireplace. Shayne musters up her best baby voice and whines about how wonderful the surprise is and how she loves it!

Matty says that Shayne is the epitome of an LA sex kitten and that she goes hand-in-hand with high drama. Therefore, he must ask her an important question:

Matty: “Would you say you were high maintenance?”
Shayne: “I…I…I…I…I …I would say…that…I…am.”
The pair laugh and high five each other.

Matty: “How many pairs of shoes do you have?”
Shayne: “Right now I have a suitcase full of shoes. Look…here are five of the most important things in life…cars, shoes, hand bags, sunglasses and watches…if you have those on, doesn’t matter what you are wearing on your body.”

Matty claims that Shayne is one sandwich short of a picnic and the best thing since slide bread. He loves her glam side but likes the vulnerable side too. They talk about getting to know each other with time and he reminds her that she might be going home if he doesn’t give her the rose.

Poor Shayne admits that she has forgotten about the rose until then. She remembers she sall it when she came in, but then forgot. It is so weird that she sall it and then didn’t remember salling it. Because that’s the whole reason she is there. To get the rose. You’d think that since she sall the rose, it would be all she could remember.

Somehow, Matty sneaks the rose from the other room. Shayne didn’t sall it at all and gets excited when she does sall it and is happy that she’s not going home. Because she would die. Just die. Matty says that she makes him feel like a 16-year-old boy.

Back at the ladies’ mansion, we have a pitiful bless her heart moment. Robin is on a roll telling everyone about how Matty loves being with her and how he’s asked her to stick around. Amanda, our chronic hiccups girl, starts meeping uncontrollably. We know she meeps when she is nervous and anxious. She’s trying to play it cool, but it’s not working. Bless her heart.

Rose Ceremony

Matty enters the room and Kelly runs up and gives him a kiss.

Kristine actually talks to the camera. Who knew?

Chelsea shows the ladies off and tells Matt that she falls asleep and wakes up thinking of him. They make out and Matty says that she is a great kisser.

Noelle is concerned that she is not a front runner and wonders if she is in this for the right reasons. Robin suggests she should reject it if he gives her a rose.

Poor blonde girl whose name I have forgotten and don’t feel like looking up is blabbering about camping and canoes when Robin steals him away. Blonde girl is upset and complains to Shayne and Kelly. Robin already has a rose and there must be justice! The trio go to steal Matty back.

Then everyone gangs up on Robin. Chelsea threatens to slap her. Robin’s eyes flash a little crazy as she asks the camera, “As if we are NOT going to steal Matt from each other? Are they serious?”

While all the drama unfolds in the kitchen, Holly cries to the Bachelor. She is in love and it’s hard to see him with other women. She misses him and they kiss by the fountain standing on their Hollywood square.

Nine roses for are handed out to the remaining 12 women:

Amanda
Picker Ashley
Kelly
Chelsea
Noelle
Marsh

Not that I’m invested in any of these women yet, but there is one thing that I’m a little sad about. I think what America really wants to know the background story on Hot Dog Erin. Does she work at a large venue stadium? A stand on 54th and Broadway? My friend Jill noted that it could be a state fair. Will we ever know?

I’ve decided to make a request of Our Host Chris Harrison. For the love of all Bachelor viewers…we have spoken…we need to know Hot Dog Erin’s career path. You’ve got to go there during Women Tell All. We beg you!

All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee