I think we all need to rally together and petition ABC in hopes that they will stick to the hour and a half Bachlorette/Bachelor format. It was so refreshing to follow Ali on each of her castle dates and get straight to the point. However, even after sitting through only 90 minutes of Ali’s complaining and Frank’s whining, I was still a little bored with the relatively uneventful episode.

Of course, we did witness eight collective minutes of Roberto, including a spontaneous dance in the street. [swoon]

Perhaps I was anxious to see the juicy break-up details of Vienna and Jake during their Post-4th of July-Spectacular. (Don’t you know Ali is ticked that these two stole 30 minutes of her hard-earned spotlight?!)

But we’ll get to those crazy kids in a minute. For now, it’s time to storm all the castles in Lisbon while drinking wine and pulling un-brushed hair extensions in messy pony tails. Fun!

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone on your Twitter account happens to personally know, sort of know, friends with the nephew/former classmate of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying New Moon on DVD or have a Jazzercize instructor that looks exactly like one of the Bachelors on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

Our Host Chris Harrison meets the boys in the town square of Lisbon, Portugal. He’s wearing a black shirt—a symbol that he’s not there to mess around. This is a huge week. He reminds our remaining Bachelors that Ali will be visiting four home towns…which is a major step in any relationship.

OHCH: “Guys. You’re going to have to step it up this week and make things happen in a major way. And it’s not because we don’t know anything about any of you. It’s because we are smearing the scandalous lives of Jake and Vienna in the last 30 minutes of this show. You have something to say to Ali? You say it. Make sure it’s revealing and make sure it’s quick. Prepare yourself for a pissy attitude. Just ignore her. She’s mad because we wouldn’t fly anyone here to touch up her roots. One last thing. There will be four dates. Since Craig the Informer isn’t here to explain, that means that two of you will share a date with Ali. I’ll see you at the rose ceremony.”

One-On-One Date One
Roberto
Come Be the King of My Castle

After Ty reads the date card, we are treated to a good two minutes of the boys trying to figure out what in the world this cryptic message could mean? Will he get a crown? Will he have to joust? Will they eat famous hamburgers? Someone mentions a dungeon. Another mentions a guillotine. It isn’t until Ali arrives that all are silenced. We’re not sure if it was the silver sequined mini skirt she was wearing or her horrible accent…

Ali: “Bienvenido a Portugal mi novios! Donde esta el bano?”
Roberto: “Sweet Ali. In Portugal, they say bem-vindo a Portugal, louco.”
Ali: “Lo-u-co? That sounds like loco. Doesn’t that mean crazy?”
Roberto: “Exactly. I’m crazy for you. Let’s explore this romantic city together.”

Ali sets the date up beautifully. She admits that she has passionate chemistry with Roberto, but she needs to see if he has a fun side.

Silly girl. Everyone knows that all sides of Roberto are good. Trust me.

As if luck would have it, Ali scores a digital camera and the pair traipse off to the square to take pictures in front of buildings, beside statues and alongside un-amused guards. Ali encourages Roberto to “jump in the air” while she snaps a picture. Most would hap heartedly give a little bounce…not Roberto. He counts to three and executes a gorgeous roundhouse kick Chuck Norris would be proud of.

Let’s add “black belt” to the ever-increasing Roberto Resume of Awesomeness.

Ali is excited that Roberto is choosing to be fun. They walk hand-in-hand down a cobblestone path when Roberto stops suddenly, smiling with delight.

Roberto: “My dear. Listen. Do you hear the music?”
Ali: “Not really.”
Roberto: “It’s beautiful. When I hear the melody, I can’t help but dance.”

Roberto pulls Ali closes and begins to sway back and forth in the middle of the street with extras walking by as if they don’t notice. Ali looks confused at first. Probably because she never learned that when a gentleman takes your hand and places it on his heart and then covers it with his own hand while dancing is EXTREMELY ROMANTIC. Once she stopped fighting the backwards feeling, she sank into the trance and let the rhythm of Roberto’s hips take her away.

Roberto: “Are we the only ones dancing?”
Ali: “Yes.”
Roberto: “As long as I’m here, there will always be moments like this.”

Then they take it to the next level and become the only ones making out in the street.

If that wasn’t enough, Ali hops onto a trolley and continues kissing Roberto as they make their way to the first of 67 castles we visit during this episode. They sit at the top on a blanket, drink wine and Ali giggles about how Roberto is a mystery.

Ali: “If we go to your home town, will you be nervous?”
Roberto: “Nervous is not an emotion I ever feel.”

Ali: “What will your Mom cook? Will it be better than crackers and salsa like I fixed for you today?”
Roberto: “It will probably be Spanish dishes.”

Ali: “Like nachos? I love nachos. Gee. You’re a mystery. I feel like I need to figure you out. You’re not really this nice. I almost don’t get it. You’re too good.”
Roberto: “I keep things simple. I have fun and make sure you know that I appreciate the little things. I feel lucky. You’re beautiful, smart and I’ve never been with a woman like you. I’m a lucky guy. Let’s make out.”

And Roberto goes on to prove that he’s the best on-screen kisser. Another bullet-point to the resume.

Two-On-One Date
Southern Ty and Frank
Let’s Find Our Future in the Past

Ali meets Ty and Frank in front of a helicopter wearing a yellow tank and see-through white pants. I half expected her to climb into the cockpit. At this rate, she’s bound to have enough miles to fly the darn thing herself. But no. She brought an emery board so she could file her nails. She’s so over helicopters.

Ali sits between the two guys looking bored. Frank rubs her arm up and down and complains that he can’t kiss her. Ty begins tapping the back of the seat, absent mindedly humming “come and knock on our door…”

Then the helicopter flew through a patch of wind turbines. Ali stifled a yawn. They finally reached their destination. Look! A castle!

Ali: “This castle is from a famous king. It was a gift to his queen. Or something.”
Frank: “How many steps do we have to walk up to get there…”
Ali: “I KNOW! I’m tiiiiiiirrrrred and craaaaannnnkkkyyy.”
Ty: “Look! A deer!”
Frank: “I don’t wanna look at a deer. I wanna make out with Alllliiiiiii.”
Ali: “My legs are aching.”

Ali tells the camera that she is super stressed out and doesn’t know if she can take the pressure. She says this sentence four different ways about 20 different times. I cut that part out of the recap. You are welcome.

Frank: “This is wonderful. An intimate dinner with the three of us!”
Ali: “Where’s the wine?”
Lincee: Oh we’ve had enough whine this episode.
Ty: “Even though this sucks that Frank is here, it’s unbelievable. Thank you for bringing us.”
Frank: “Yeah. What he said.”

Ali takes Ty outside in a back alley to make sure once and for all that he is traditional and believes that women should stay home and take care of the children.

Ali: “What would your mom think about me? I’m a worker remember. When I have a job, I typically go to it unless I’m quitting that job to be on a reality show.”
Ty: “She would be happy if I’m happy. Look. I’m all for women furthering their careers and doing what they want to do. You are awesome and I think it’s great that you have ambitions and goals. It tickles me to death that you have a plan.”

Ali finds this endearing and hugs him. She runs back inside to find Frank. Low and behold, he’s nervous and wants to talk about his feelings.

Ali: “What would your family think of me?”
Frank: “Funny you should mention family. We are…close. They trust me. If I like you, they will like you. And that’s good, because guess what? I live with them.”

Ali: “Okay.”
Frank: “I quit my job, went to Europe, came back to pursue my passion and moved back home. I haven’t been home since I was 18. For 12 years not coming back…I mean…”

Then he gets teary. I get confused. I spot the thumb ring and wonder “why?” and Ali begins kissing him so he’ll man up. At some point, they end up in a tree. As Ali is either buttoning or un-buttoning his shirt, she becomes one with nature and I guess has a moment of her own personal clarity:

Ali: “You are everything I want and everything I fear. You’re funny and interesting. What fears you have about me, I have the same one about you.”

Crystal clear.

Ali: “It doesn’t bother me at all that Frank lives at home. Heck. If I don’t land a husband in this gig, I’ll be at the YMCA. I get it. Big whoop.”

Second One-On-One Date
Kirk
Once Upon a Time…

As Kirk waxes philosophically about how the puzzling message isn’t even a complete sentence, Cape Cod Chris suggests that it might be something having to do with a fairy tale. Roberto agrees.

Ali whines about how hard it is to make a decision and uses her thesaurus to figure out different ways to say the word preoccupied.

Ali: “This is so hard. My mind is lost in thought. I’m happy to be meeting Kirk, but it’s going to be hard to focus because I’m feeling distant. Inattentive and engrossed in other thoughts. I hope I can get through this date.”

And what better way to try and focus than to drink a yard-o-beer? Whilst enjoying a jaunty buggy ride in Lisbon’s version of Central Park? As you make your way up to an old…anyone? Anyone? CASTLE!

Ali looks bored. When you’ve seen one famous Portuguese castle, surely you’ve seen them all. Kirk tries to hug it out and enjoy the moment. He can see that she’s totally zoned.

And that’s when he makes his move.

Kirk: “Are you hanging in there with all this? I understand if you are nervous. Home towns are serious. I’m nervous too. I haven’t brought a girl home to meet my parents in almost three years. It’s a big step for me too. I understand. Do you need a pair of pecs to rest your weary head? I’m here if you need me.”
Ali: “I just have a lot on my mind. I thought I was in tune with my emotions. But now I’m wondering if I’m not.”

Ali complains again about how this is hard and she is not feeling the dates due to her stress.

Kirk: “I want you to know that I’m here for you. If you have anything to tell me…good or bad…I want to know.”
Ali: “I struggle with questioning people.”

Kirk: “What do you mean?”
Ali: “What if we end up together and a year from now, will you feel … that I’m good enough?”

Kirk puts down his fork, grabs Ali’s face and looks deep into her eyes.

“You should not think that. That’s crazy. I’m not falling in love with the idea of you. I genuinely care for you. I didn’t know who I was before the mold. I didn’t think I was good enough to deserve the people I was with because of the mold. But now I know I’m deserving of love and happiness. I deserve this. Thanks to the mold, I’m there right now.”

And that’s how you open up on a reality show ladies and gentleman.

Naturally, Ali is over the moon that someone likes her and isn’t a pansy about it. She makes out with Kirk at the dinner table before descending the stairs to enjoy a personal concert by two guitarists and a Portuguese pop artist from the 70s sporting some serious earrings.

Kirk just stands and holds Ali. If you look closely, you can see the disappointment in Ali’s eyes that Kirk did not take advantage of this moment and dance with her. Heck. Roberto didn’t even hear real music and made a romantic moment. This was spoon fed. And Kirk refused to partake.

Good thing the mold saved him at dinner.

Last One-On-One Date
Cape Cod Chris
Love Gets Better With Age

Chris has been waiting for this date since New York. Ali is nervous that she doesn’t have more than “good buddy” feelings for Cape Cod. She thinks he is a slow mover and in a moment of foreshadowing, wishes that he would open up.

Cape Cod Chris: “As long as the date doesn’t involve oil wrestling and a horse, I’m okay.”

He’s darling.

Ali drags Chris over to a parking lot and tells him that they are going to experience the city by moped. For some reason, this intimidates our favorite landscaper/chemistry nerd.

CCC: “The only thing I’ve driven is a bicycle. I can’t be the dude who killed the Bachelorette. That wouldn’t be good…at all.”

Raise your hand if you think Chris is adorable?

Chris instructs Ali to hold on and to stop making him laugh. Ali compares his scooter speed to the speed of their relationship. And that equals SLOW. So she is going to channel our favorite Weatherboy and go for the obvious analogy.

Ali: “He’s going slower and that’s okay. He’s been trough a lot. He lost his mom. I’m sure that has some…sort…of…something…(eloquent Ali). We laugh and joke, but now it’s time for me to get in the driver’s seat.”

Cape Cod Chris hangs on for dear life as Ali cranks around corners. He OMGs right along with Ali and is visibly relieved when they arrive at the winery.

Hey? Where’s the castle?

Ali asks Chris to tell her about his Mom. Again. We learn that she was a nurse, compassionate and her friends still come by to bring dinners and check on the boys. Ali feels his walls coming down, but worries that it still might be too late.

But then she suggests they take a bottle of red wine from Portugal on the home town date.

Huh. Sounds like Cape Cod might be peaking right on time if you ask me!

And just so the icing is laid on nice and thick, Cape Cod presents Ali with a dentist bracelet. All the important women in his life have one. It’s made of along piece of floss which holds special teeth from significant people in his life.

Just kidding. That’s what I wrote down in my notes. Some Guy in Austin later confirmed that Cape Cod Chris was talking about a family friend named Dennis who actually makes the bracelets.

That makes so much more sense. But I promise you he said dentist bracelet.

Cape Cod goes in for the kill and aggressively makes out with Ali. He wants to throw her down in the winery, but he’s too much of a gentleman to do so. Instead, they go out into the meadow. He did his homework. He knows Ali can’t be near a patch of bright green grass without resisting the urge to roll around a few times.

Cape Cod: “You make me feel all warm inside. What does that mean?”

It means you are done dude. You have gone over to the dark side with Ali. Say hey to Frank for me.

Rose Ceremony
Ali steps out of the limo to find Our Host Chris Harrison holding an umbrella so she won’t get her draped shower curtain dress soaked. He escorts her to the Pier One Bureau as she reflects on the time she brought Jake home to meet her Mom and the ghost of her grandmother. Then she complains that decisions are the worst.

Ali thanks the Bachelors for traveling the world with her and ends up extending roses to:

Cape Cod Chris
Frank
Roberto
Kirk

Frank is stoked that his “biggest competition” is gone and then because nervous that there are three guys left that she obviously likes better. He pops a Tums. Roberto flashes his dimples. Kirk wonders if he can bribe the ABC intern to get a message to his Dad about bolting the door to the taxidermy room and Cape Cod Chris begins to swim around in the love bubble he’s created for him and Ali.

Ty gives Ali a deep hug as she walks him out to the rejection limo. He asks that she stays under the overhang so she doesn’t get wet, but that’s too traditional for Ali. She marches out into the rain with thunder grumbling in the background (thank you intern) and asks if he is going to be okay. Ty admits that he is disappointed. Ali says there would not be a future because she eventually wants to have a job some day down the road.

Just as the ABC Psychoanalyst is about to make Ty cry on national TV, Harrison wraps up the party so America can finally get the closure we need.

Bring on the crazies!

JAKE AND VIENNA

We open with Chris Harrison in the Bachelor mansion courtyard. The mood is dim with twinkle lights. The pavement has been freshly washed for extra reflection. The background music is forlorn. Harrison introduces himself.

Please.

“Hi. I’m Chris Harrison. I’m told that it is with a degree of sadness that I bring you this update. Typically, we pimp out our star couple Trista and Ryan and take this time to remind you that they have two kids. But this is not a happy update. Jake and Vienna have broken up and the ABC intern owes me 50 bucks. We’ve decided to air their dirty laundry on national television and tell the sad, sad truth about the bitter end of their scandalous relationship. I’m making an extreme amount of cash for this reunion. Sit back. Relax. And watch me pull the strings.”

Jake joins Harrison in the circular driveway. His face shows irritation, smugness and has a hint of douchbaggery. He claims that in a matter of two days, he’s on the cover of five magazines. He’s confused and needs answers.

Harrison takes a swig from his boot flask and invites Vienna to join them on the wicker furniture.

For the next 28 minutes, Harrison picks his way through a minefield of emotions. It’s a balancing act of pushing Vienna right to the edge of hysteria and forcing Jake to unleash the rage that was radiating through his jaw. It was a wonderful mixture of Maury Povich, Oprah and the general smoothness that is Chris Harrison.

In a nutshell, here is what we learned:

– Vienna’s PR team adequately prepared her for the inevitable question: Why did you take your story to the tabloids in such a public way? Vienna answers as if she has been practicing this line for days: “I knew he would run to the media and tell his side. I needed a voice. I haven’t had a voice and I wanted people to know that I did try to make this work.”

– Jake tells Vienna (with his best improv voice) that he is DISGUSTED with her. Vienna accuses Jake of lying. “My impression is that you were a pilot and we would be flying back and forth from Dallas to LA. Instead, you are here pursing a career in acting. (Vienna scores a point in her column.)

– Jake’s response: “At least I’m pursuing a career in SOMETHING.” (Harrison stifles a laugh. I yell BURN at the TV. Jake scores one for his column.)

– Vienna apparently flirted with a guy named Greg whom she met at a charity event and a gay dude named Todd who was in her apartment for reasons unknown.

– Vienna asked no one in particular if ABC had a “polyagraph” test Jake could take. That way, we would all know that he is a LIAR.

– Vienna gave the ring back to Jake twice after throwing a temper tantrum and sulking in the bathroom behind a locked door.

– Harrison asked if Dancing with the Stars was a bad move on Jake’s part. ABC docked him a few hundred thousand for not supporting the Mother Company. Vienna claims she supported him the entire time, even though he would come home and Twitter until the wee hours of the morning. Clearly since they weren’t having intimate relations, that is not a sexual innuendo.

– Vienna tells Chris she doesn’t want this life. Harrison asks if she will be returning to the swamp after this interview. Vienna says that she finally got a job “doing marketing” for a company that works with cancer patients.

– Vienna continues to interrupt Jake as he speaks. He finally explodes and demands that she is quiet while he is talking. Harrison sits back to watch the rest unfold. Vienna cries. And then interrupts him again.

– Jake asks Harrison what guy in America would be with someone who “undermines” him all the time. Chris asks for examples. Jake says that Vienna asks for directions and he answers, then she checks his facts with a GPS. According to Vienna, he then chunks the TomTom out the window in a fit of rage. Harrison encourages Vienna to continue. Apparently, she checks his work when he measures things in the house too. This makes Jake a ticking time bomb. He builds gazebos for crying out loud! He knows how to use a tape measurer!

– And in the best delivered line of the night, Vienna complains that Jake doesn’t fly her dog in from LA enough. The two begin to scrap about the Chihuahua and Harrison causally says, “Yeah. We don’t care about the dog.”

– Harrison channels Dr. Phil and suggests they apologize to each other. As Jake begins, Vienna interrupts and Jake screams bloody murder. Vienna has had enough and walks off the set into the bathroom. We hear her sobbing.

To sum up, Vienna is spoiled and immature. Jake is a douche with anger issues. He had a chance to be the bigger man. All he had to do was just sit and not speak. Alas, that was too much for the pilot/actor.

The best part about the entire segment was seeing Roberto in his baseball uniform. I watched that part three times…once in slow motion. BATTER UP!

Next week should be fun. My bet is that Kirk is a goner. What do you guys think?

All about the shame, not the fame,

Lincee