It’s going to be a loooooong season

That was the status of my Facebook page last night.

I wanted to issue a grand “BLESS ALL OF OUR HEARTS” blanket statement and then be done with the recap, but I know y’all want and need a little more than that. Because I love you, I will force my eyeballs to roll forward from their permanent placement in the back of my brain, refrain from shaking my head back and forth in haughty derision and power through my list of notes from the JUAN-uary inauguration. I am a pseudo professional after all.

Here’s what I gleaned from last night’s show:

Our Host Chris Harrison’s still got it. His suite was immaculate. His hand gestures were regal. And his spray tan was the perfect shade of California glow. Well done Harrison. I’ve missed you.

You must be stacked to make it on the show. Ladies who shop below the C-cup drawers in Victoria’s Secret need not apply.

I wondered if times must be tough over at ABC, because suddenly we are following Harrison schlepping roses to the lucky DDs who have been chosen to vie for the love of Juan Pablo. It isn’t until Lucinda (aka Lucy) jumps up into Harrison’s arms and wraps her legs around his crotchal region that I understand his willingness to participate in this endeavor.


She’s so excited that she runs into the dressing room of the quaint shop Harrison randomly found her in and emerges in a tight shirt that she’s passing as a dress. Gotta love those free spirits.


Our Host arrives at Elise’s house next who TOTALLY was given the head’s up that he was coming because no one wears red cocktail dresses in the middle of the afternoon. Bonus: she’s attempting to learn Spanish. She’s in it to win it. Muy bueno Elise.


Christy also looked too good when the producer showed up with her rose. And so did her hot friends. I’m impressed that she was able to pack all of her cocktail dresses, feminine tanks, statement necklaces, string bikinis, DD bras and casual mimosa morning yoga pants in the five minutes that the producers gave her due to the fact that SHE HAD TO LEAVE RIGHT THAT SECOND to get on a plane. Bonus: BANG BRAID

Lauren H. appeared to be pretty legit since she answered the door in her glasses and a flannel shirt. I was suspect at how immaculate the house seemed, but let it slide thinking it was probably her parents’ house, which led me down a rambling thought of how my Dad would probably be asleep on the couch with ESPN blaring if cameras just happen to show up unexpectedly. Mama would look fresh as a daisy.

Alli seemed to be the most authentic of all the surprise visits. She was eating on the street with some dudes. She didn’t seem overly enthusiastic that cameras were being shoved in her face and was equally annoyed that the producers made her interview little old couples on how to find true love. She’ll probably be cut the first night.

Catch phrase of the night: “I’M COMING FOR YOU JUAN PABLO!”

Surprise of the night: Lady Edith is kissing in public with the London dude who wants to be German. YOU GO LADY EDITH! ROCK THAT ROARING 20s LOOK!

I can report that Juan Pablo ran on the beach in white shorts and body rolled in a red t-shirt. The night was officially looking up.

His daughter Camilla is his world and appears to be a little too big to be in a car seat. Her tiny BFF Chantal is a doll and the two hug each other with the same exact enthusiasm as Our Host and The Free Spirit. Juan Pablo purchases invisible cookies from their restaurant on the playground. It was adorable.

If you don’t like Venezuelan food, you’re out

According to his family, Juan Pablo doesn’t have a type. His cousin Isabel gave him some ridiculous advice. She told him to keep his shirt on. We hate her.

Juan Pablo’s father made him cry. That’s when I noticed he wears an ankle bracelet. Suspect.

ABC aired a very tasteful memorandum celebrating Gia.

Wait a minute. I thought this dude was going to be courting Lady Mary tonight?! What gives?

Celebrities outside the ITV studios

It would appear that this season is going to be full of tears, amazing locations, toplessness and more tears.

Buckle up people. It all starts TONIGHT!

All about the shame, not the fame,


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January 6, 2014 10:36 am

Let’s count how many times they say Juan Pablo. Just that is enough to make my ears bleed. I suppose we could make it a drinking game.

Sarah Beth
Sarah Beth
January 6, 2014 11:04 am

I thought it was so funny when the dad didn’t get Juan Pablo’s name right and he was referring to the other son. ha!!!

January 6, 2014 11:09 am

I’m so excited the show is back, mainly so I can read your hilarious blog. Can’t wait to check in weekly to get recaps!

Any way you could keep the Downton comments to a minimum? I haven’t been able to watch Season 3 yet so am worried I’ll get too many clues on what will happen. Are Mary and Matthew not happily married with 3 children by Season 4? Your pictures of a dark, handsome man lead me to believe that’s not so.

Thanks for making my Tuesday (and now Monday) lunch breaks more enjoyable!

January 6, 2014 12:31 pm

Lincee, the recap was worth the wait. All these tears are gonna make me scream. Poor little 20 somethings!

January 6, 2014 12:41 pm

I cringed every time they showed his daughter in her carseat with the straps falling down. SO many things wrong with that picture! Ay yai yai, as JP would say! 🙂

old fan
old fan
January 6, 2014 2:38 pm

not sure I can listen to his voice, trying to speak English sloooowly and carefullllly …..

January 6, 2014 3:19 pm

Oh, the carseat footage. His daughter is not too big for one, in fact, it’s great that she’s still in a 5 point harness. However, that doesn’t really matter when it’s not installed tightly and she’s not harnessed in properly! Her straps literally fell off her shoulder. If they were in an accident she’d go flying. At least it gave me something to focus on other than him singing along with the radio to her.

January 6, 2014 3:20 pm

I wish you were doing recaps of Downton Abbey! Love that wonderful show, and and I know you would do it great justice.

January 6, 2014 3:49 pm

Loved this, and the Downton Abbey references. I don’t think you should be worried too much about spoiling something from a season that aired a year ago!

I said the exact same thing to my friends about how perfectly coiffed some of those ladies looked. Not a chance it was a surprise visit – if anyone stopped by my house unexpectedly, I’d be in sweats with my glasses on, hair pulled back in a messy ponytail, no makeup, and a very cluttered home!

Lori H
Lori H
January 6, 2014 6:10 pm

So glad Bachelor recaps are back! This should be a great train-wreck! Thank you for keeping us all laughing.

Miranda C
January 6, 2014 7:40 pm

Am I the only one that can’t stand not knowing a few key points: Does he have full custody of his daughter? and Where’s her mom in all of this?

As always, great re-cap. I am going to start a new drinking game this season. One swig of Dr. Pepper for someone saying “Right reasons” and two swigs every time they say something like “Dramatic season.” Who’s with me?!

January 6, 2014 9:18 pm

Ah! I love this through and through. The ankle bracelet is suspect. Ha! Yes, can’t believe Lady Edith was kissing on the street! But what about cousin Rose!? She kissed in the street in a a maid’s outfit!

p.s. Free Spirit Lucy looks so totally normal in her bio pic, but NOT on the show! What gives?

Papa Jim
January 6, 2014 10:22 pm

Fantastic recap!Would you read mine?

January 6, 2014 10:41 pm

I missed both episodes. I thought I’d be able to watch them on Hulu. Does anyone know where I can watch them? I can’t wait for the recaps. It’s the only reason I watch the show!

January 7, 2014 12:42 am

Tiffany, you should be able to watch the past episodes on, though I don’t think they are posted until the following day.

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