Men Tell All
Before you get excited about how this is an uncharacteristic EARLY posting, you should know that I come to you from the future. It’s already tomorrow afternoon.
You see…I’m in Istanbul. Not Constantinople. As in Turkey. This is the view from my room:
Around hour two of the 15 hour travel day is when I missed “Men Tell All.” From the amount of messages, texts, tweets and emails I’ve received, Emily really held her own. Good for her!
Back to Turkey…
Since the trip was so last minute, I had to pick between missing MTA or the finale. Of course, I chose the finale.
Since I missed out, I decided to hold a little contest. I want to hear YOUR most memorable moments from last night. All you have to do is finish this sentence as if you are an ABC announcer:
“After the commercial…”
And then tell me something that happened last night that was awesome. For example:
“After the commercial, Our Host Chris Harrison invites Sean to join him in the hot seat and the set implodes from spontaneous combustion.”
“After the commercial, Ryan explains that his girly white tank top was a sale item at Neiman Marcus. Was it the women’s section? Find out after the break.”
After the commercial, Emily rips Kalon a new one. Little Ricki cheers from the front row.”
Five lucky winners will receive super cool, all-the-rage, iHateGreenBeans magnets directly from me! And a piece of gum!
It can be real. It can be made up. It makes no difference to me. GET CREATIVE!
All about the fame, not the shame,
After the break we will be joined by Emily’s plastic surgeon who will explain why her face never moves, even when she’s crying!
I didn’t watch the whole thing yet, but I saw Ryan in the hot seat and I have to say I was impressed.
You could take it as arrogance, but I saw a confident man, with a great sense of humor who doesn’t take himself too seriously. I also liked that he wasn’t automatically in love with Emily. He had to see if she was for him as much as if he was for her.
Not a fan of his during the season, but loved him last nite and I thought Chris H was somewhat intimidated and acted accordingly by trying to put him down, but Ryan sure held his own!
After the break we will unveil the eagerly-awaited new bloopers segment. Prepare yourself for some underwhelming windy incidents and numerous bleep-covered explicatives courtesy of our own Southern belle, Emily. You’ll thank me when it’s over.
After the break, we’ll find out how far we can push Chris before his immaturity and desire to dominate the show cause his head to explode.
After the break, it’s the most shocking! moment! in Bachelorette history!!! Emily spills white wine on her dress. Keep calm everyone.
After the commercial, you will learn that the Bachelor Pad has turned Chris into a dramatic @ss, hoodrat mama bear once again puts Kalon in his place, and Chris Harrison will encourage Emily that he will find her a husband before she becomes the crazy cat lady.
After the break…DJ Stevie tackles Emily to steaIna hug! Have your couch cushions handy for this bizarre, awkward, and cringe-worthy Men Tell All first!
(or was it Tony?)
After the commercial, the men will guess how many plastic surgery jobs Emily has had and what her new bra size is. Also, I, Chris Harrison, will rip these guys to spread to prove my everlasting love for Emily.
After the break…. Emily challenges Kalon to “find faith in something bigger than his Prada shoes and rented helicopter”! Kalon is, for once, silent?!?! Ultimate burn! Go Emily!
Oops!!! I meant “expletives”!!
I have two:
After the commercial, we’ll get to meet Micheal for the first time.
After the commercial, I, your host, Chris Harrison, will take the hot seat, where Lincee will join me for an unbelievable, unforgettable announcement.
Join us next week for another Bachelorette first as we find out if little Ricki’s pick for a new daddy matches up with Emily’s choice for a husband… Newlywed Game style!
When we come back, we will preview Sunday’s finale and lead you to believe that Emily channels her inner Hotter than Crap Brad, the guy she was too good for, and chooses neither Arie or One F.
After the commercial… Incessant recapping. Bachelor Pad promo-ing. Former contestant reintroducing. Audience “Who?”-ing. Kalon douchebag-ing. Ryan attempting schmoozing. Chris fuming. Ryan “Bachelor” hoping. OHCH rejecting. No tank top discussing. Chris hot seating. Audience aww-ing. Bachelor Pad promo-ing. Stag back in the saddle-ing. Sean drop dead sexy-ing. Audience swooning. Bachelor Pad promo-ing. Ed and Reid bickering. Emily returning. Tony(?) awkwardly hugging. Kalon “apologizing.” Emily swearing. Blooper showing. Doug pants dropping. Chris commando-ing. Emily tattooed homeless man loving. Travis and Emily Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star-ing. OHCH non-spoilering. Finale previewing. Emily crying. Most dramatic finale ever-ing.