The Miss America pageant is my jam. And it’s not because Our Host Chris Harrison is the emcee. I love the beauty and the poise and the nostalgia. I enjoy picking my winner and blessing girls’ hearts. I like to call and text back and forth with my sister, Mama, cousin and few friends who DVR (read: stumble across) this event like I do. It’s tradition.

The pageant has changed over the years, of course. We lifers just shake our heads in amazement at how the competition has evolved. I actually uttered the phrase, “How did so many bouncing boobs make it to the televised version this year?”

I’ve gifted you with other prudish comments like these below. Here are my thoughts on Miss America 2016:

• Our Host Chris Harrison looked S-H-A-R-P. His co-host Sage Steele was a looker too. Her beauty almost pulled me away from Hare’s piercing baby blues and dapper tuxedo. Almost. (Call me, Harrison.)
• For some reason, the producers of the show decided it was a good idea film the parade of states outside in a tropical storm. Perfectly plastered hair flew around like crazy. Ten coats of Aqua Net didn’t stand a chance in those gale force winds. When eyelash extensions are flapping in the breeze, it’s time to go inside.
• The producers also made the contestants come up with terrible catchy phrases about their states as they introduced themselves. For example, Miss Florida said, “For the state with the most lighting strikes, I’m here to keep it hot!” There were only two who managed to not follow this torturous behavior. I salute both women although I can’t remember who you were right now because my brain is still scrambled as to why the last seven contestants had to recite their silly puns sitting in actual bumper cars. Pair that with hurricane winds and sea spray. #HotMess
• Is the double arm extended above your head hand wave a thing? Imagine a slightly less enthusiastic spirit sprinkle, minus the hopping on the balls of your feet. Every girl double waved above her head. Should I adopt this wave? Is it a Millennial thing that I don’t know about? Help me be cool.
• Sally Hansen actually had a mini segment after the top 15 were announced. Apparently our girls’ legs look sooooooo good because they have been freshly sprayed with Sally Hansen tanner. Pay no attention to Miss Illinois who got carried away and is not a lovely shade of tangerine.
• The swimsuit competition was first. Poise went straight out the door in lieu of strutting in a push-up bra posing as a swimsuit top. It’s clear that pageant rules state the rear end must be covered. Any cheekage could result in docked points. I guess they failed to include direction on what to do with boobs, and as a result, the top 15 let their cleavage breathe. So many boobs. So much bouncing.
• There was also a lot of flirting with the camera. Along with the superfluous bouncing, many contestants formed “oohh” and “aahh” with their mouths. We had a wink on more than one occasion. Chins were jutted and lips were licked. This is called “being confident” in the pageant world. I call it NCA cheer tryouts.
• Here are notes I wrote during the swimsuit competition: Why does Arkansas’ swimsuit come up so much higher than the others? Is the ’80’s hip cut making a comeback? Iowa has bling between her boobs. We don’t need more attention drawn to your rack, do we? YOU NEED MORE BOOB SUPPORT, TEXAS! Oklahoma could use a sandwich. Oh look! New York covered her boobs completely! From my friend Stephanie: I do appreciate the back fat.
• Our Host Chris Harrison checks in with the rejects and Miss Minnesota (the only short-haired girl), leads them all in their rendition of Shania Twain’s girl anthem Man I Feel Like A Woman. It’s like we were all in the Camp Ozark junior high bunk house in 1997!
• During the whittling down from 15 to 12, the girls stood spandex-to-spandex with colorful sarongs around their waists. No capes were provided for their boobs.
• Speaking of capes, they were big in the evening gown competition. Half of the girls had them. Kentucky wore seven-inch heels. Mississippi’s dress was inspired by Elsa. She should have let that one go. Washington loves Kardashian fashion. Bless her. Arkansas insisted on wearing a simple black dress with zero stones. Everyone was shocked. Tennessee was prepping for heart surgery in her dress. She managed to pack in a plunging neckline, shoulder pads and a cape all in one frock! Miss South Carolina spoke about how modesty is important to her, yet I could see her navel and copious amounts of side boob from her cold sternum evening gown. Details.
• The reigning Miss America sang a tribute for 9/11. Although she doesn’t have the best voice, it was moving. Never forget.
• Miss California tumbled for her talent in a modified version of an elaborate Elvis costume. Gabby Douglas, a judge, looked horrified. I will say that the girl can do a hand stand for a long time, and that will certainly come in handy as a stupid human trick at parties.
• Miss New York sang “Sway” in English and in Spanish. She wore red. The end.
• Miss Texas twirled not one, not two, but three batons! She dropped one during her juggling portion, but I didn’t mind. I really think that twirling is a rare talent and I applaud her for not only the neck twirls, but also reining in the ladies in her costume. Well done.
• Miss Maryland, bless her. Just, bless her.
• Miss Washington tapped. I enjoyed it. I think tapping is a legit talent too.
• Miss Mississippi was a legitimate vocalist. Her light blue dress was big and fluffy.
• Miss Iowa performed ballet. It would have been fine had Gabby not made the face that totally said, “Big deal. I can do that on a balance beam.”
• Tennessee sang “Desperado.” Bless her heart too.
• Miss South Carolina performed a lyrical contemporary dance to “Something in the Water.” A little box on the side of the screen explained that she is a “fairy godmother in training” at Disney. I’m not sure what that means. I could see princess in training, but fairy godmother? A quick Google search cleared everything up for me. This is why I love the Internet.
• Miss Arkansas wants to be a backup dancer for Beyonce. Get in line, chica.
• Another culling and we were down to seven girls. This is always the critical portion of the competition. The dreaded interview is the make it or break it moment for several of these girls. This year proved no different. Although none choked, several spoke in circles without answering the question. Harrison managed to keep a straight face. His Bachelor gig trained him well for this.
• South Carolina was asked about our country’s immigration problem. She explained that she’s a quarter Japanese and we should welcome people to this nation of freedom. Indeed.
• Mississippi thinks that women are equal to men in the workforce. She said this three different ways and used the word “force” three times. No mention of Star Wars in this particular force.
• When Washington was asked about NFL quarterback Colin Kaepernick’s refusal to stand during the national anthem, she spoke about how she respects his decision, but doesn’t agree with it. Then she explained that black lives matter, ending with all lives matter. It was by far the best answer of the group.
• Maryland was asked if she thinks the media is biased during this election. She took 20 seconds not answering the question to tell us that she supports both candidates.
• Here was Miss New York’s question: “Donald Trump. What are your thoughts? Go.” She did a decent job. Political questions are tricky. Her main point was that people from all backgrounds need to come together.
• Miss Arkansas received the same question, but with Hilary as the subject. She hemmed and hawed and never once thought to say anything about Hilary being the first woman in a primary election. Regardless of your side, it’s a milestone.
• Miss Texas was asked what our new president needs to do in order to prevent future attacks like 9/11. She said we need to be cautious. Noted.
• Miss Arkansas Savvy Shields was crowned the new Miss America 2016. When Betty, the current Miss America, came over to drape her with the sparkly sash, you could see her say, “Oh BLEEP! It’s on backwards!” That might have been my favorite part.
• For those of you who are wondering, the answer is no. Betty didn’t use enough bobby pins to keep the crown from flopping around on Savvy’s head. Every year this happens. It’s also a tradition.