Oh Canada…you’re oot
I have to say that last night’s show opener was among the most dramatic in Bachelor history. Ever. You have to give it to the producers for jumping right in with the astonishing news. Let me set the scene for you:
Ali is talking to the camera about how the show has taken its participants from LA to New York to Iceland and now Istanbul not Constantinople.
Ali: “I’m thrilled we are in Turkey. They told me that 13 million people lived here and there is super cool architecture. I totally thought it was a made up country. Like Persia. Or Whales. Or one of the ‘ia’ countries that used to be Russia before the wall came down. Anyway, I feel better now more than I have during this entire journey. Nothing can go wrong at this point. Do you hear me world? NOTHING!”
Ali hears a knock at the door and yells, “Who is it?” But the door remains closed. She rolls her eyes, adjusts her hair extensions and stomps over to the door and flings it open to find Our Host Chris Harrison looking as suave as ever.
Ali: “CHRIS! Why didn’t you tell me it was you?”
OHCH: “Yeah. I don’t raise my voice above a gentle baritone unless I’m on the 50-yard-line at Cowboy Stadium. Do you have a second to talk?”
Ali: “Oh Chris. I never see you until the rose ceremony. What’s going on?”
OHCH: “It’s been brought to our attention by a former cast member that there is something you need to know. Do you remember Jessie? The one who threw Roz under the bus for hooking up with the fired producer on the steps of the mansion last season? She contacted me with some information that is legitimate. I checked it out myself. But for dramatic timing, I want you to hear this news from her. I’m going to call her now using this high-tech speaker phone.”
Ali becomes fidgety and pulls at her hair extensions. Harrison becomes visibly agitated when the phone rings 19 times before Jessie answers.
Ali: “Hi Jessie. Even though I can’t put a face with a name, it’s good to hear a familiar voice. What is going on?”
Jessie: “I have some information aboot someone who is on the show. He isn’t there for the right reasons. One of the guys has a girlfriend.”
Ali: “OMG! Please say it isn’t Robert-o. I just might die!”
Jessie: “It’s Justin.”
Jessie: “Justin. He might go by the name Rated R.”
Ali: “Oh thank goodness! How did you come about this dramatic information?”
Jessie: “Because I’m sitting with his girlfriend right now. Her name is Jessica. Canada is a really small country and I just happened to run into her when I was oot and aboot.”
SNAP! I did NOT see that coming! Go producers!
Jessica: “Me and Justin have been dating for the past two years. And a couple of months ago, he said he was going on the show to further his entertainment career. He assured me that he would come back and we have plans to get married. He said he wanted to get into top three…because that’s when you are well known. I helped him buy suits and take head shots. He contacted me last night and he said that he still loved me.”
Ali gasps into the phone.
Lincee wonders AGAIN how all of the rules are being broken this year on the show. Phone calls, tattoos, rogue Bachelors hobbling for miles to crash Ali’s mansion. The next thing you know, she’ll be canceling cocktail parties!
Jessica: “And then I found he had another girlfriend for the past two months.”
OH SNAP AGAIN!
Ali: “Get one of those yellow rubber bracelets and stay strong Jessica.”
Jessie: “Isn’t it LIVE STRONG?”
Ali: “What is with you? Do you have to know everything?”
Ali: “No. I’m sorry. It’s good that the ABC producers tracked you down and filmed you like the Blair Witch Project so I would know this information. This is the most important thing I’m ever doing in my life. Goodbye dear friends to the north.”
Our Host Chris Harrison muffles a smile as Ali declares she is pissed and that heads are going to roll. Harrison takes great pride in handing over his iPhone so she can see for herself the evidence of Jessica’s existence. Ali scrolls through a couple of Turkish bath house pictures of Harrison ironically NOT wearing my grandmother’s checkered table cloth and stops on the one of Justin and Jessica on a beach.
Ali: “Do the guys know?”
OHCH: “No. I found out and came straight to you after sending the ABC intern to find this picture on Facebook and making a quick stop at the bath house.”
Ali: “This is DISGUSTING. I’m going to confront him. I want him on the first plane back to Canada. If he wants to embarrass himself, that’s fine. But he’s not going to embarrass me.”
OHCH: “Do you know what you’re going to say?”
Ali: “I have an idea.”
OHCH: “Be strong and let him have it. Preferably in front of everyone. We’d like a wide shot and a few close ups if we can get him. And lots of b-roll footage. We really need him to walk around for about three minutes. I’ll explain later.”
Ali: “Anything for you Chris.”
OHCH: “Calm down. I’m not interested in you Ali, but I understand your obsession with me. Are you ready? Here goes nothing.”
Harrison knocks on the door and Craig the Informer answers. He’s concerned that both Ali and Our Host are on the other side. Ali marches in with determination. Hare strolls in nonchalantly with grace and class.
The boys gather around in a semi-circle and Ali begins her prepped speech:
Ali: It’s been quite a road getting here, hasn’t it boys? Especially for you Justin since you probably miss your GIRLFRIEND in Canada. She called me this morning. She was upset. You promised her that you were going to come here and get to the top three, promote your wrestling career, and then you cry to me about your mother and respecting women. Don’t you walk away from me mister. Sit down and talk like a man…”
Justin immediately removes himself from the tension, grabs his backpack, wallet, passport and announces that he is oot. Ali begins to shake and Robert-o consoles her. Frank is relieved that another one bites the dust. Cape Cod Chris and Kirk’s mouths are hanging open and Craig the Informer is doing the “I told you so” dance.
Still irritated and thirsty for blood, Ali runs off to follow Justin down into the stairwell. Everyone on the camera crew was pointing in the direction she needed to go. I loved it! She keeps yelling that HE WILL BE SORRY and HE DOESN’T WANT TO GO OUT THIS WAY. Justin continues to meander around trying to find an exit strategy, telling the camera to get out of his face. Harrison whips out the binding contract he signed that pretty much states ABC owns him. Ali finally catches up and pokes him in the chest with her finger.
Justin briefly morphs into Rated R and through gritted teeth commands Ali to not touch him again.
Ali: “Don’t walk away. Talk to me. Be a man. Is this how you want to be perceived on the show? This is how you want to leave? Walking through bushes and scaling fountains full of goldfish? That waiter dude won’t even let you in. He knows you are scum. You are going to regret this. YOU WILL WANT TO TALK TO ME!”
And then we break for commercial.
Oh Justin. Dude. You should have given them something so ABC would pay for your plane ticket back to Toronto, you idiot!
But wait! We’re back from commercial and Justin is still wandering through random flower beds and hopping over small gates. Ali sits with Our Host on a well lit, somewhat private park-looking area. He’s quizzing her on her Turkish history when Rated R hobbles up from the background.
Harrison excuses himself to purchase some aphrodisiacs from the spice market while Ali and Justin sit in uncomfortable silence. I was proud of Ali for refusing to speak first.
PG: “I know you want to rip my head off. But here’s the deal. Basically, with me and Jessica, I never…I have…strong feelings…but not…she’s my best friend. I thought I was going in to this with all my heart. As this went on, my heart became less and less…”
Ali: “Eloquent Justin. Do you realize that I left someone on a glacier who was here to guard and protect my heart? He could have gotten the rose instead of you!”
PG: “I have the rose right here. I was going to give it back.”
Ali: “I don’t want your sweaty rose! Did you break the cardinal Bachelor rule and call your girlfriend?”
PG: “No. Absolutely not.”
Ali: “So you are saying that Jessica is a liar?”
PG: “Aboot what?”
Ali: “About being here to get famous?”
PG: “I…er…it’s not that simple.”
Ali: “It IS that simple. You come to find a wife. I came to find a husband. And you are f-ing with that. Someone went home that first night. I gave up my fake job. I gave up my apartment. I gave up everything. And for you to do this? It is awful. Unspeakable. For me and for her.”
PG: “I’m sore-y. For everything.”
Ali: “You should have owned up and left here with a little bit of honor and integrity. And guess what? NO ONE CARES ABOUT CANADIAN WRESTLING!”
Justin hobbles off to wander around aimlessly through Turkey. Just as I’m beginning to wonder why we are following him, the ABC producers hit another home run with a series of saved messages from the scorned lover and new tabloid darling Jessica:
Next saved message:
“Jessica I just want to read you something I wrote while I was here. During this process, I keep thinking of how much you mean to me. You are my everything. My best friend, partner in crime and I want you to be my wife. Every day I’m stuck here, I think of your beautiful face. And I look forward to kissing your lips again. Seriously Jess. I can’t lose you. I love you.”
Next saved message:
“Jessica…I’ve had to answer the same question over and over about what love means to me…and about how important having the love of my life is and that person is you. All I can think about is you and how much I love you. Bye.”
Next saved message:
“Jess I don’t know why you can’t pick up the phone. I’m in Iceland right now. Honestly you do know how important you are to me. And going through this process made me realize that even more. It kinda made me regret even coming up with this thing.”
And that, dear readers, was just the first 10 minutes of the show. I’m exhausted. But we must press on.
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone on your Twitter account happens to personally know, sort of know, friends with the nephew/former classmate of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying New Moon on DVD or have a Jazzercize instructor that looks exactly like one of the Bachelors on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.
First One-On-One Date
Let’s Get Steamy
Ali tells the camera that she is done with pretending to be annoyed that Justin is gone and she just wants to focus on having a good time in Turkey. Ty confesses that he wants to protect Ali. He’s quick to add that has nothing to do with guarding her heart…just normal protection.
They do a little shopping in a market. Ali points out a famous landmark. And then they arrive at the bath house.
Ali: “I’m supposed to say that it’s really cool that this old bath house is 300 years old. People used to come here just to relax and stuff. Should be fun.”
I’m going to assume ABC had a hefty fine slapped on them by the FCC during Jillian’s season when she gave a rather erotic massage to Jake. Therefore, massages in which one climbs up on the back of the other as he/she is horizontal is strictly forbidden on prime time TV. It’s the only explanation I can think of that would result in Ali and Ty coming out of their dressing rooms wearing red and white checkered table cloths which were borrowed from the restaurant next door.
Ali and Ty scoot over to the “bath” in their wooden flip flops and sit on the edge. There didn’t appear to be any water. They weren’t dipping their feet in any pools or getting in anything that resembled a bath. They just sat. Ali compliments the building and the overhead dome. Ty compliments Ali. And then he thanks her for inviting him to the sauna.
Ty decides to take matters into his own hands, literally, and fetches some shaving cream from somewhere. He begins massaging Ali’s back. She finds this hot and steamy. And then Ty thanks her. Again.
Ali begins to rub Ty’s back. I’m assuming she’s using her own sweat to lubricate the surface, because I still can not spy a drop of water anywhere. She declares that there is chemistry and then they make out. Ty’s dimples are cute.
Ty thanked me for saying that.
After suffering near heat strokes, Ali takes Ty to eat dinner by the water. Ty takes this time to tell Ali how wonderful he is and then proceeds to fish for his own compliments.
Ty: “I like that you are spontaneous. I like that you don’t care about getting your hands dirty. I like that you are driven. It’s sexy. What is it about me that you like?”
Ali: “What do I NOT like. You are attractive…big six foot whatever tall guy. I always feel good when I’m with you. I want to know more about who you are to make you who you are. I do have questions though. Why did you get divorced? Was it instant or did it build?”
Ty: “I expected one thing and it really wasn’t there. My mom stayed home and dad went to work. That’s how I grew up.”
Clearly, Ali and I are confused.
Ty: “I got out in the real world and saw that women are in the workforce nowadays. You guys can be astronauts. And doctors. Even CEO’s! I’m not sure where the kiddos are stashed when you are off doing man’s work in highfalutin places like Knoxville or Chattanooga, but we can cross that bridge if we get to it. The bottom line is that I want to be with someone that I enjoy.”
Ali: “Huh. I do have concerns. It sounds as if you are a tad on the traditional side. I’m the opposite of traditional. But you are open and honest. And that’s more than I can say for some people on this show. Let’s make out at the table and then go awkwardly dance while that guy plans a Turkish musical instrument in the middle of the street! Will you accept this rose?”
Ty: “Thank you.”
Love Conquers Oil
Cape Cod Chris
Craig the Informer
We begin with Craig informing us that he has yet to land a one-on-one date and it’s unfair that Frank is going on his second one-on-one date. Sadly, he doesn’t inform us as to why he’s wearing some weird African gangster hat.
Just as they did in Times Square, the group date participants search high and low for their fair maiden. Kirk finally spots her in the spiral of a castle and asks her to let down her beautiful hair. With those awful extensions, I would have bet my grandmother’s checkered table cloth that they would have reached the bottom.
Ali: “Today I’m taking the guys to a 15th century something or other where I will make them compete for me.”
Enter a slew of huge Turkish dudes all oiled up in black leather pants.
Kirk: “They had their game faces on. They were not smiling at all.”
Craig: “They looked angry. They wanted to kill someone.”
Robert-o: “I minored in olive oil wrestling. This should be fun.”
CCC: “I can see my buddies asking me…what did you guys do in Turkey? Oh. I got naked and wrestled an old man. Did I mention there was oil involved?”
I heart Cape Cod Chris.
We get a quick shot of all the boys stripping down to go shirtless with their own pair of leather pants. As you could probably guess, Craig the Informer has on tighty whities, Cape Cod Chris is in Sponge Bob boxers and Kirk is in boxer briefs. Of course, Robert-o is going commando. Ali takes her time rubbing all of the dudes down with olive oil from a copper kettle.
Using subtitles for the second time this episode, we learn that when one wrestler forces his opponent on his back, he is declared the winner.
CCC: “I usually dip bread and cook asparagus with olive oil. This is different.”
Bless his heart. The Turkish oil wrestler turned Chris’ head 180 degrees. Kirk gets his a$$ kicked and Robert-o is flopped around like a rag doll.
Ali oils the boys up again and tells them they will be fighting each other for her affections.
Craig: “I’m going to fight for my life. The other guys are more athletic than I am. I’m a lawyer. I fight with words.”
Tool. There’s a word.
In truly one of the most dramatic moments of Bachelor history, Craig takes Cape Cod Chris down with little to no effort. Robert-o raises and eyebrow at Kirk and he just gives up by laying down on the ground.
Craig: “I am going to maul Robert-o with my bare hands. Or vicious rhetoric.”
Robert-o kindly tells the camera that he doesn’t see wrestling as Craig’s forte. However, being the all-around sweet guy he is, Robert-o gives a sly wink to Ali and throws a bone to the Informer by throwing the match.
Craig: “It’s so awesome that I am a lawyer and a wrestler. Someone bring back Rated R. He’s going DOWN! This is better than winning a big case!”
Ali is irritated she is stuck with Craig during her alone time. She blows a kiss to Robert-o for being such a gentleman.
Craig wraps his arms and legs around Ali as they ride a boat to their date. It’s clear that Ali is NOT feeling it.
Ali: “This is a famous tower on this famous island. We’re going to skip dinner and go straight to dessert and champagne. You cool with that?”
Craig: “How would you feel if I wanted to take my oil wrestling career to the next level?”
Ali genuinely laughs. She tells Craig that she loves his positive spirit and admires him for being so patient through this process…not whiny at all.
Craig is feeling the moment. There’s never any silence. They are totally into each other. He tells her he’s never known anyone like her before. And then he blushes beet red.
Ali and Craig stand on top of the famous tower overlooking the famous river when the fireworks begin. It’s a magical moment with a spectacular view. Ali awaits patiently for Craig to lean in and kiss her passionately. And Craig waves as the moment passes him by.
Second One-On-One Date
The Road to Love is Bazaar
Frank reminds us that Ali told him he needs to step us his game if he wants to stick around in the competition. Ali wants him to be fun, wacky, Greased Lightning/Danny Zuko Frank.
Frank greets Ali in the famous town square with a hug, a twirl and a passionate kiss. He is a man on a mission and will reconnect with Ali no matter what it takes.
They head over to the Istanbul not Constantinople Spice Bazaar and buy pistachios, an economy size bottle of aphrodisiacs and haggle with a bunch of merchants.
Frank puts on a ginormous sultan hat when Ali makes an appearance in a belly dancer’s outfit.
Frank: “My first thought was wow. My second thought was, ‘Why am I wearing this ridiculous hat?’ My third thought was wow.”
Well said Frank.
Next, Ali and Frank are coerced by the Turkish equivalent of a used car salesman from New Jersey into buying a carpet.
Frank: “I’m not buying a rug today. I kept telling him that. I’m not buying a rug today. What am I supposed to do with a rug? Where am I going to put it? How am I going to travel around the world on a rug? Unless that rug can fly, I’m not buying the rug.”
Cut to Frank and Ali leaving the shop with a rug. Nice.
Frank continues to carry the carpet all around town. Ali leads him to the Turkish sewage canals and convinces him to take off his shoes and wade through the filth so they can eat dinner on a floating barge in the middle of creepy columns.
Frank: “I’ve got the girl of my dreams and the caret on my arm. Cheers to us. You swooped in and rescue me at the right time. FYI…I’m only going to get married once. It’s hard for me to be confident when I know you can’t give me one hundred percent.”
Ali: “Our relationship scares me.”
Frank: “Really? Why?”
Ali: “Dude! Because of everything you just said. Have you seen this show before? It’s about how a bunch of people tell me how awesome I am and pretend to want to marry me. It’s a competition and I am the prize. You make me nervous. I have no control who falls in love with me and if the person I fall in love with falls in love back. And I never thought I would marry a guy who wears a thumb ring.”
Frank: “I’m ready to trust my heart.”
Ali: “Yeah. You do that.”
Frank grabs her face and kisses the crap out of her. She gives him the date rose and then they are kicked out so the Turkish television station can continue filming the new generation Beauty and the Beast.
Craig the Informer gives us the low down: In case you are confused, we are down to six guys who are all close, but secretly want someone else to leave the group. Each of the four without roses tell us over and over and over again how important tonight’s cocktail party is going to be. They all assume each will have ample amount of time to visit with Ali since they are all bros and Craig was cool enough to map out a color-coded schedule.
Our Host Chris Harrison is summoned by Ali. She informs him that she will not need a cocktail party because her mind is made up.
OHCH: “So you are telling me that you want to go straight to the rose ceremony?”
Ali: “Yes. My mind is made up.”
OHCH: “The tattle tale is headed home, right?”
Ali: “You bet.”
OHCH: “Let me make a call and see if I can get him on the same flight with Justin.”
Ali: “I know that Craig is a tool. I don’t think it’s fair to put him through a party. I’m tired and want to leave Istanbul. It’s hard to memorize where all the famous buildings and the names of the rivers.”
Harrison makes his call and heads downstairs to face the men. He’s oozing power. He commands that the guys line up and get ready for the rose ceremony. Kirk asks if he is serious. Robert-o gives him a cold look. Everyone heads upstairs.
Roses go to:
Cape Cod Chris
Ali walks Craig out to his rejection Hummer. Ali says there was no spark. Craig looks confused because he was falling in love. He asks the driver to stop by the Spice Bazaar so he can get some olive oil. And then mumbles something about habeas corpus.
Ali: “I’m so glad you are all here. Next up, we are going to one of the most vibrant, sexy and beautiful places in the world. Portugal! Hey Robert-o…maybe you can speak Mexican to the locals!”
Robert-o: “Or Portuguese mi loca. It would be an honor.”
In the last minutes of the episode, Our Host shares “scenes from this season.”
So. Many. Spoilers.
What in the world? There’s one-on-one time with Robert-o, Kirk and Ty. Ali meets Frank and Robert-o’s families. Cape Cod Chris is conveniently missing from the Tahiti footage and Frank embraces Ali and tells her they need to talk, followed by a good 30 seconds of them both crying and Ali trying to pull out her own hair extensions.
I feel my season has been robbed. Who is with me?
All about the shame, not the fame,