There were two things last night that I wanted to happen:

1. I prayed to the good Lord that Jillian would take the forgo card from the date with “He Who Must Not Be Named” and tear it up into tiny little pieces.

2. I wanted Kiptynite to say, “My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die!” and have a sword fight with Jillian. That would have been way better than the flamenco dancing.

A girl can only dream.

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. You probably aren’t even reading this because the simple disclaimer has been a part of my recap since the days I emailed this puppy to just a few of my closer friends. HA! Fooled you. You’ve skipped this amusing mockery and will not know what in the world your friends are talking about when they say, “Did you like the new disclaimer Lincee did?” However, if you or someone on your Facebook page happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying leftover Easter candy or have a Jazzercise instructor that looks exactly like one of the Bachelors on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

There were several things that were off about last night’s episode.

Let’s start with the gut-wrenching absence of Our Host Chris Harrison. The poor dude got left out in the cold and didn’t get to score precious miles on the non-stop flight to Spain. That’s cold ABC. Hare is the backbone of this show. Don’t deny your audience the inevitable zingers that we will receive at any given moment. He’s the REAL reason we all watch this train wreck.

Second, I don’t think I’ve tucked a shirt into my pants in about 10 years. Therefore, I’m not up on the latest belting trends. Is it “the thing” to slide the buckle, which is traditionally poised directly below the belly button, off to the left of center? I found this distracting as Jillian meandered around Madrid looking forlorn and waifish.

And finally, can we please, PLEASE make the transition to a one-hour episode? Do we really need 30 minutes of Jillian recapping the remaining Bachelors? We’ve been there every step of the way with our beloved Polly Pocket. We know these guys better than they know themselves. What could she possibly reveal that is new information?

Kiptynite
“My heart and jaw dropped to the floor when I saw him for the first time. We had instant chemistry. However, he might be too perfect. I know I dumped Jake for that same reason, but have you seen Kip’s nine pack? It’s amazing!”

Huh. I bet the nine pack is a site to behold. Let me give you a little tip. Abs generally come in multiples of two.

Reid
“Reid and I are moving very, very slowly and we are way different. He’s nothing like what I picture myself with in my head. That guy looks a lot like Ed with Kip’s nine pack. But Reid makes me laugh. What does that mean?”

Marry him. Marry him NOW.

Ed
“Ed dumped me for his career, but he is back. I’m not sure how I feel about that, but I do know that I need to be a priority. He needs to pick me up, twirl me around and make out with me at every possible moment. There’s just something about him that is intriguing and I can’t put my finger on it.”

He’s the reincarnate of Greg Brady. Mystery solved.

Cheese Ass
“He is soooo my type. He’s the gorgeous, bad boy country guy that I want to be with. He is far from perfect, but there’s something there that assures me that he cares.”

[crickets chirping]

Jillian’s first date is with Kiptynite. She babbles on about how wonderful he is and we are reminded that Jilly is straight up intimidated and insecure when it comes to the wonder that is Kip. She adjusted her belt buckle and positions herself at the top of some stairs. Kip sees her and they race to the middle. He pulls her in his arms and she wraps her legs around him like she did back in the Jason days.

They walk hand-in-hand (Jillian closes her eyes and pretends Kip is her real boyfriend) and start talking about how they haven’t seen each other since the home town date.

Jillian: “Your family is so cool. And your Mom is a doll.”
Lincee: Not quite the word I would choose. Well played Jill.
Kip: “They loved you.”

Jillian: “Really? That’s a relief. Did you get a chance to talk about me after I left? What did your sister say? You know she mentioned babies…”
Kip: “She asked me if I would propose at the end of the show.”

Jillian holds her breath and makes sure not to make any sudden movements.

Kip: “I think a proposal seems far off. It’s something I want to do the right way once and not rush. You understand, right Jilly?”
Jillian: “It would be wicked cool to get a proposal at the end of this show. I would sooo swing my hand in Jason’s face the next time I saw him at a D-List celebrity event. Don’t you think a big part of this is a leap of faith?”

Kip steps back from Jillian and slowly lifts the front of his t-shirt. Four of the nine abs peek out and she is instantly hypnotized.

Jillian: “I want a proposal, but let’s be realistic. Wanna go flamenco dancing?”

Seriously. Jillian and Kiptynite are flamenco dancing with Maria and Ricardo. This just proves that the two of them have nothing to say to each other and the ABC producer has to scramble around Madrid to find random things for them to do. And to top it off, they costume them in traditional flamenco attire!

Kip’s pants were tight. And I don’t mean tight, tight. I mean TIGHT. I’d be willing to bet that the ABC intern poured half a bottle of baby oil down Kip’s pants so he could slither inside. I’m guessing that scissors were used to release his appendages from said pants.

They dance. It was lame. I felt embarrassed for them.

Luckily, the scene quickly changed to later that night. Jillian, wearing a school girl skirt from the Britney Spears “Hit Me Baby One More Time” video, squeals when she sees Kip and suggests that they take a scooter ride to dinner. This was the second time I was embarrassed for them, because not only was I afraid all of Madrid would see Jill’s who-ha, but those scooter helmets were not anywhere near attractive. I’m happy to report that they arrived to dinner in one piece.

Jillian: “I had fun today. Your pants were super tight.”
Kip: “I could barely get the button closed and the zipper…it was scary.”
Jillian: “Wow. You could have hurt the boys.”
Kip: “I know. I thought we might have to have a pre-mature kid conversation after today!”

It was funny watching the blood drain from Kip’s face as he uttered these words.

Jillian: “So…you want kids?”
Kip: “Yep. Hey look! Escargot! Let’s choke these puppies down?”

Jillian is distracted by the slippery little suckers and they laugh at each other forcing snails down their throats, chased by half a bottle of wine.

Jillian: “What’s one thing past girlfriends would want to change about you?”
Kip: “That I would have a twin brother. HEY OHHH!”

Jillian: “Huh. I know I only known you for three days, but I would make you tougher. You are too much of a softie. You remind me a lot of my Dad. And that bugs because my Mom wears the pants in the family. You are too generous and sweet and would never tell me I’m bad. And I like to be spanked, so what’s up with that?”
Kip: “If I have an opinion, you will know.”

Jillian: “Great. But what about the spanking part?”

All of a sudden, a waiter appears out of nowhere and presents the couple with the infamous forgo card date. Kip has no clue what it is and wants to know if Harrison consulted with Jillian before assuming that she was an overnight kind of girl.

Jillian: “Do you want to go to the forgo room?”
Kip: “Sounds great to me. I’ll let you count my abs.”

Jillian: “Syke! I just wanted to make sure you liked me enough to say yes. But I don’t want to spend an entire night with someone who doesn’t want to propose. I would like to cuddle!”

Oh that’s every man’s dream! Kip is quick to get Jillian horizontal on the big fluffy forgo bed and make out. Unfortunately, since Jillian technically withdrew the forgo offer, the ABC intern is sent in with the daunting task of tapping Kip on the shoulder to let him know that it’s past midnight and he has to go to his non-forgo room.

Jillian follows him to the door and they kiss again. She says that she wants him to not be able to live without her. He says that things are getting warmer. I blush because that sounded dirty.

The next day, Reid surprises Jillian with a great big “Hola mi amore!” He tells her she is “muy bonita” and then giggles in her ear, admitting that that is all the Spanish he knows.

Jillian hands Reid a picnic basket and they head to the market to by all the fixings for a lunch in the park. Unfortunately, their Spanish sucks. Jillian thinks the guy is saying that the bread is brown when he actually means small. Then he tries to hand them raw meat on several occasions, but Reid finally pulled it together with the help of limited vocabulary words and some pretty impressive universal sign language. At the checkout counter, we experience Reid at his finest:

Reid: “Como estas?”
Butcher: “Muy bien. How are you?”
Reid: “Soy grande. That means very good, right?”
Butcher: “That mean BIG.”
Reid: “You mean I’ve been telling people I’m big all day?”
Butcher: “Si.”
Reid: “Fabulous.”

Jillian tells the camera that she and Reid are good travelers.

Jillian: “I can see me and Reid going to different countries together. We would frustrate ourselves, but there would be multiple times a day that I would want to pee myself from laughing.”

MARRY THIS GUY YOU FOOL!

She then reminds us…again…that he is not who she pictured herself with, but she feels like they would make a good team. Reid starts to open up a little and tells Jillian that he’s not good at conversations like this.

Reid: “Every time we hang out, it gets better. You know it takes me a while to open up and tell someone how I’m feeling.”

Jillian is unable to contain herself.

Jillian: “HOW DO YOU FEEL REID?”

Reid gives a little smile and turns on the aw shucks charm.

Reid: “I’m attracted to you. We are similar in personalities. If this continues to go in the direction I think it’s going, that will be a good thing.”

Later that night, Jillian (of course) runs up to Reid and squeals and throws her arms around his shoulders. They go to have dinner on a veranda.

Jillian: “Did you have fun today?”
Reid: “I did.”

Jillian: “So, uhm, you generalize…which is awesome by the way, but there are times when I want to say WHAT DO YOU MEAN REID? So I’m going to light a fire under your butt and ask you what you mean.”
Reid: “I’m so confused. What do I mean about what?”

Jillian: “Like, how are you feeling?”
Reid: “Well…you are a good person and friendly. You are smart, you make me laugh and you are easy to talk to. You sure smell good and the chemistry is there and it’s natural and effortless…why did you just roll your eyes?”

Jillian: “You had me at smell good. Hey! What’s this?”

A nameless Spaniard delivers the forgo card and Jillian hands it to Reid. He questions if it will be in Spanish and I fall head over heels for this dude.

Team Reid people. Jump on BOARD!

He reads the card and tells Jillian that he is leaving the forgoing up to her because it’s the gentlemanly thing to do. Then she kisses him for a good 30 seconds. Reid wonders if this is a green light.

But Jillian puts the kibosh on that fantasy and tells him just kidding. Reid laments the fact that these forgo cards will be handed out on all the dates and mentions that this bugs him.

Jillian: “Why does that bug you?”
Reid: “What do you mean?”
Jillian: “I want you to elaborate.”
Reid: “With details? Are you crazy?”
Jillian: “What is it that bugs you about it?”
Reid: “Oh, I don’t know…someone else kissing you?”

Sounds like someone is fishing for another compliment and likes her boys to be jealous.

We next find Jillian on Reid’s back…piggy style.

Reid: “Did you know you can pay someone to carry you like this in Philly?”
Jillian: “Really?”
Reid: “Nope.”

Jillian admits Reid has her heart and that she might be falling in love.

Me too girl. Me too.

Next up is Ed. Jillian admits that she missed out on a lot of key things with Ed. She didn’t get to meet his family. He broke her heart. But the most important thing is to fit in all the extra kisses that she was denied in these two weeks.

The second most important thing is to find some new shorts because for some reason, hers were wet.

They decide to start over in a carriage ride. Jillian is insistent on putting her legs over his lap. He talks about how he missed her every day and how he only thought of her when he was kicking butt and taking names at Microsoft. He tells her that he is bummed she didn’t get to meet his family and sing karaoke with them.

Actually, I’m sad I didn’t get to see that either.

In the next scene, the viewer experiences a voiceover from Jillian. As she talks about how she wants to be irresponsible with Ed and just make out all over Spain, the ABC producers edit the piece to show the pair in a fountain (hence the wet shorts) making out with full on butt grabbing. I’m assuming this is not normal to have Americans traipsing around in this particular fountain, because several spectators looked both annoyed and in shock. After 30 minutes of these shenanigans, the ABC intern is asked to forgo his own socks and shoes and get the pair out of the fancy old fountain and into their rooms to get ready for dinner.

At dinner, Ed asks Jillian about living outside of Vancouver. Jillian tries not to squeal and buys some time by taking a sip of wine. She answers calmly:

Jillian: “I’m not opposed to moving.”
Ed: “Chicago wouldn’t be perfect. But we could grow together. You are exactly what I’m looking for. I see us being together for a long, long time. Jillian? Are you okay?”

Jillian snaps out of her wedding daydream and asks Ed if he thinks she would like Chicago.

Ed: “It’s all about eating. And I would love to take you to a Cubs game.”
Jillian: “I’m not sure about the game, but hot dogs, beer and people…I’m in!”

I soldier from the Spanish Army brings the forgo card on a silver platter. Ed suggests Jill read the note. She does so…in baby talk.

Uh oh. She’s going to forgo her no forgo plan.

Ed: “I would love to spend the night with you.”
Lincee: Doh!
Jillian: “That’s great, but I’m super protective with my feelings with you. I worry about getting hurt.”

She pouts out her lip and waits for him to respond.

Ed: “You can interpret this in many ways. For me, it’s getting more time with you. I missed out a lot and it is bothering me.”
Lincee: Well played Ed. You just scored a forgo card.

Jillian takes the bait and they end up horizontal on the forgo bed. Just as Jillian begins another round of “questions that end in a way that compliments me,” Ed kisses her hand and she glazes over.

Jillian: “We are sleeping in our clothes.”
Ed: “You are my favorite part about Spain.”

Wow. Good line.

And now it’s time for the Dillweed. Part of me wants to skip this entire section because I don’t feel like giving him the time of day. But I will admit that he provided the most entertainment of the night. Up until this point, I was bored out of my mind!

He tells the camera that he doesn’t know the music scene “here” but he was number one in Chihuahua, Mexico. Then he says that he feels home around Spanish people.

Hi Cheese Ass! It’s Lincee. Spain is a country in Europe. Do you remember getting on the plane and handing the nice man your passport and getting your first stamp ever? That’s right! You are in Spain. Not Mexico. They are not the same. Remember how you get pissed off when people think you are from Georgia because of your accent? It’s the same thing.

He Who Must Not Be Named approaches Jillian in the streets of Barcelona. They don’t hug. First red flag. How many times has Chach been all over Jilly in episodes past? Every time! They hop on a couple of bikes and pedal over to a gazebo where they stop for lunch.

Jillian is going above and beyond to let him know that she is excited to see him. He often responds with very monotone answers.

Jillian: “I am happy to be spending time with you!”
HWMNBN: “I miss hanging out. Honestly Jill, I think you are perfect.”

Jillian tells the camera that for someone who thinks she is so perfect, he certainly did sit as far away from her as possible. She also admits that she is analyzing every little detail he says. She decides to put him to the test.

Jillian: “Would you move to Vancouver? Hypothetically of course…”
HWMNBN: “That would be crazy.”
Jillian: “Would you at least meet in the middle somewhere?”
HWMNBN: “Wow…that bird only has one leg.”

Then he spills his beer so they can leave.

Still a little unsure why all these red flags are waving in her face, Jillian decides to have dinner with the Dillweed. She shows up in a beautiful red dress. He wears the same western shirt from three days ago and a pair of holey jeans.

Jillian wonders why their affection is not stronger and why he is so distant.
Cheese Ass wonders if he can catch the first flight out of town in time to make his appearance at the Dixie Chicken in College Station later that week.

Jillian decides to bring up the girlfriend issue again.

Jillian: “You are the guy I’m attracted to. But I can’t ignore the red flags. I don’t care what people say, but I want to be educated about my answers and defend myself when confronted.”
HWMNBN: “I don’t have a girlfriend.”

Jillian: “But you do have a career that can benefit from this.”
HWMNBN: “If I came here to sell records, my mission would already be accomplished. I’ve already played songs and you heard my band. Any publicity is good publicity.”

Kick him to the CURB girl. What in the world!

Jillian: “If you were crazy about me, you would have kissed me. You asked me to trust you and I did. I’m thinking you might not be telling the truth cowboy.”
HWMNBN: “I’m thinking about you and the other guys.”

Give me a break.

Jillian: “If you feel different about me, I need to know that.”
HWMNBN: “I’m not here to hurt you. I here to be true to myself. Numero uno is most important.”

Jillian gets up from the table, throws her glass of wine in his face and storms off into the…

Wait. No, no…I’m mistaken. She goes in for another kick to the gut. Let’s listen!

Jillian: “I think this Laurel person is important to you.”
HWMNBN: “I spent six years with her. She’s one of my best friends.”
Jillian: “Why would Jake give me a specific name?”
HWMNBN: “Because I told him about her. I said she was my girlfriend. I mean…oops…ex-girlfriend. My bad.”

Annnnnd she kicks him to the…wait. Forgo card. This should be good.

Cheese Ass reads the forgo card. Why she let him read it is beyond me, but she did. He casually suggests they spend the night together. Jillian finally sees reason and tells him that she thinks it’s best if they go their separate ways tonight. The cab door has barely shut before Chach is on his cell phone texting his manager to prepare for a media blitz upon his return the next day. Their evil plan WORKED!

Jillian: “Tonight, I had a lot of questions answered and it became very clear that he has something to hide.”

Rose Ceremony
Even though Hare was absent from the rose ceremony, his voiceover preparing us for the event was too cute when he said it was going to be dramatic…as if we didn’t know the outcome.

Three of our four Bachelors are looking quite spiffy in nice suits. They spot Jillian approaching and begin to fidget.

Kip: “She looks nervous.”
Reid: “She can’t be. This is a cake walk.”
HWMNBN: “If it’s me, just know that I’ll be home having lots of sex.”

Classy.

Jillian arrives in a trendy feather duster outfit and walks herself up to the Spanish podium of doom. She smiles and tells the Bachelors that she has never been MORE SURE of anything in her entire life.

Naturally, roses go to Ed, Reid and Kiptynite.

Because Our Host wasn’t there to tell Cheese Ass to say his goodbyes, there was a little bit of unnecessary lingering before Jillian offered to walk Chach out to the limo.

HWMNBN: “I am the first guy to make it to top four with a girlfriend. My acting days are over. I’ve done everything I needed to do. I have my dog, my band and radio tour. It’s about to go down. I’m in Spain and they will know my name. I’m cutting the chains. Hey…that’s sounds like a hit. Does anyone have a pen?”

I beg of each and every one of you to not purchase a CD, take a photo or attend any event that has anything to do with Dillweed and his merry band of Chaches. That is all I will say on the matter.

Next week…Hawaii! And let the record show that I KNEW something was up with the lack of forgoing on the forgo dates. I figured there would be another opportunity for Jillian to forgo. Here’s hoping that the E.D. tease was just a tease.

All about the shame, not the fame,

Lincee