Each season of The Bachelor, we sit in front of our television expecting those moments that make us either want to dive into the depths of our couch cushions or silently shake our head in imperious contempt at the state of the current gene pool in America. My point is simple. It’s not hard to predict, due to the premise of this show, that at least a handful of those vying for the love and affection of our bachelor will undoubtedly be two cans short of a six pack.

That reality comes in many packages. For some, it’s the ditzy blonde. For others, it’s the overachiever who who can’t seem to keep her passion in check. You’ve got the girl who always wears her two favorite colors: short and tight. And then there’s the one you think is completely normal until she becomes paranoid that other people are stealing her boyfriend and she ends up asking the ABC Intern to help gather the materials needed for her famous bunny stew.

I’ve been watching this show for more than a decade. I typically know or can give an educated guess as to what is probably going to happen. With that said, my nerves were not prepared for the fusillade of emotions, attacking me for two hours during this episode. One minute I’m appalled. Another I’m rolling my eyes. Suddenly, I’m borderline depressed which is quickly followed by genuine concern. Does chaffing occur when riding a tractor in bikini bottoms? Why am I silently urging the producers to give Jordan more alcohol. LET’S SEE WHAT ELSE SHE’LL DO! Someone give Tara a hug and tell her that green dress is gorgeous and she’s going to be okay. Does The Farmer know how to kiss? How can the answer be both “I think so” and “meh?” WHY CAN’T I LAND THIS PLANE?

Clearly Melrose the Onion isn’t the only one all over the map. I’ve never been more confused, horrified, disgusted, on the verge of tears and entertained in such a short amount of time. It was glorious and I loved every minute of it.

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you liked on Instagram happen to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the twerking instructor who is obsessed with the fictional life of Jamie and Claire Fraser like me and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

The night begins unconventionally as a rejected Kimberly sneaks back into the first rose ceremony celebration, begging The Farmer to give her another shot. Since it was dawn-thirty in the morning and his brain ceased from properly functioning hours before, he agreed. This audible is completely fair because THERE ARE NO RULES THIS SEASON. Kaitlyn thinks The Farmer is ballsy for bringing Kimberly back into the fold. The others didn’t really have an opinion because standing is hard.

The next morning, a casual Harrison invites the ladies into the sunken living room. He smells of musk and gallantry. As the camera pans the room, I conclude that hot pink lipstick is this season’s statement necklace and long flowing scarf. Harrison calls the ladies to attention, announces that The Farmer is just up yonder hill showering outdoors and lathering up his pecs for all of the world to see. Somewhere in a Crossfit gym, Cody Code fist bumps himself. Also THERE ARE NO RULES so feel free to hover, stalk or snoop wherever the urge may lead. Our Host pulls the date card from his back pocket (lucky card) and drops it on the table. A gaggle of girls in brightly colored hoodies squeal with glee.

FIRST GROUP DATE
“Show Me Your Country”
Jade
Tandra
Ashley I-Lashes
Mackenzie
Kimberly
Tara

The girls chatter at the enigma surrounding The Farmer’s cryptic message, but one thing is for sure. Mackenzie will be wearing the Guess overalls she found in my Mama’s attic because nothing says country like acid washed jorts. The others pilfer through Tara’s suitcase full of denim panties, throw on a pair of cowboy boots and head on over for a good old fashioned pool party.

The first activity on the agenda is playing chicken in the shallow end. I’m always in awe of that one girl who chooses to nestle her crotch up against the back of our bachelor’s neck. The squeeze that naturally happens when trying to paw and defeat a scantily clad opponent makes for a very intimate moment.  Especially when you’ve known him for five minutes. Granted, it’s not your average magic lamp belly button rub, but it’s certainly close.

The first WTH moment of the night comes when Jillian and Megan sneak over to the bachelor’s house because THERE ARE NO RULES. I found myself wishing there were a few rules. Wearing a bathing suit that covers your entire butt would be high on my list, but that’s just prudish me. ABC was gracious enough to provide a black modesty box over Jillian’s notoriously tight, visible cheeks as she and Megan traipsed up the driveway to their neighbor’s casa. Once inside, Megan puts on The Farmer’s motorcycle helmet and blatantly rams her head into anything unmoving and solid. You’d think this would be the most disturbing part of the escapade, but oh dear reader, it was not.

That award goes to the gracious black modesty box covering Jillian’s hoo-hoo. At first I thought it was a mistake. Jillian must have turned and the ABC graphics department was just lazy with the gracious black modesty box, wisely assuming that she was about to turn around again. Sadly, the front box made several more appearances. There are only three scenarios I can fathom that would require a black modesty box covering Jillian’s snatch:

1. Her bikini bottoms are transparent all the way around.
2. She is wearing a reverse thong.
3. Pubes. (You know your brain went there.)

I become mortified that I’m actually using brain cells to figure out Jillian’s undercarriage situation. Thankfully, the scene switches to the group date girls strolling down an LA street in their bikinis. Because a tractor race in stringy swimwear just makes sense.

Let the record show that we are roughly 30 minutes into the program at this point. Heaven help us all.

The girls run down the street, excited to both pick their tractors and their wedgies. Several thoughts run through my mind as they hoist their business onto the leather seats. Is this hygienic? Can you catch a disease from this endeavor? Could they not have at least worn their denim panties as an extra layer of protection? Aren’t bouncing boobs enough?

I wasn’t the only one who was concerned.

@Lincee clearly farmer chris isn’t old enough to know that you can get gonorrhea from riding a tractor in your bathing suit. #TheBachelor

— texas tweedy (@tweedylouwho) January 13, 2015

At this point point, ABC tips its straw hat in my direction by spoofing Footloose. Layering a loose audio version of Bonnie Tyler’s “Holding Out for a Hero” was genius. Producers listening to the lawyers recommendation that the tractors reach maximum speeds of eight-miles per hour was not.

Thirty minutes and 100 yards later, Ashley I-Lashes crosses the finish line first. She must have been drafting the tractor in front of her to reach normal person walking speed. She celebrates her win by sitting on The Farmer’s lap in her bikini as he sits on the tractor. Her eyes gleam with a “come hither” glint. He totally misses it because of the mega-falsies. I wonder how many Muppets had to die to make those?

Back at the mansion, Juelia the esthetician shares that she has a daughter. Becca asks what happened to the father and Juelia reveals that he committed suicide. It was sad. We both begin to cry and not one person hugs Juelia. Heartless freaks. She recovers with as much grace as possible and promises to help Jillian with her lady landscaping issues after dinner.

Speaking of dinner, The Farmer scoots over to the hay bales in the parking lot where the girls are smiling through the pain of straw pieces poking their naughty bits. He invites Mackenzie to dinner and sends the other ones home. Jade is convinced he’s only doing this because he wants everyone to feel good about themselves.

That’s sort of right, but The Farmer also seems to genuinely like the fetus. Even after Mackenzie tells him that she has a kid, really digs guys who have huge noses like him, calls him out for once having an ear piercing and she totally believes in aliens, he gives her the rose. Red flags be damned! They end the night dancing in the restaurant and making out. Sadly, Mackenzie has no idea that the last thing she should do is brag about her date in front of all the other women.

Hey Mack!

The heavy weight you feel is a target on your back. Have fun with that and never wear your overjortalls again.

Your Mentor, Lincee

One-On-One Date
Megan
Love is a Natural Wonder

Megan receives the one-on-one date card and thought it was just that — a sweet note from The Farmer. Remember, she’s Jillian’s accomplice who kept whacking her helmet-protected head into brick walls. I’d also like to remind everyone what I wrote about Megan last week:

Megan
24
Make-Up Artist
Nashville
Why you remember her:
Megan had a dazed look in her eyes that landed somewhere between Sorority Row Jordan and Last Call Tara. She admits that she doesn’t get Kaitlyn’s Tupperware joke because “something’s not clicking up there.” Does anyone else like her as much as I do?
Status: Rose

The Farmer flies Megan on a private plane to Vegas. One of his hands is on her upper thigh and the other is holding her hand. More times than not, Megan presses said hand to her ample bosom, excited by what’s in store for their date. They move from the airplane to a helicopter that flies them over the Grand Canyon. Once again, I realize there is a flummoxed expression on my face. I try and sort out the two competing thoughts.

1. Note to self: Google search Grand Canyon and figure out when it moved from Arizona to Nevada.
2. Why is Megan sitting in The Farmer’s lap in the helicopter when there are two perfectly good seats next to him?

The Farmer chooses a gorgeous setting for a picnic and Megan feels this is the perfect time to tell him that her father had a heart attack and recently died.

Has there ever been this much death on one reality show?

The Farmer is attracted to her strong, giant heart and rewards her vulnerability with the rose and a kiss or four. She responds with several Taylor Swift, “Whhhaaaaa???” faces.

SECOND GRUOP DATE
“‘Til Death Do Us Part”
Kelsy
Trina
Alissa
Tracy
Jillian
Becca
Amber
Melrose the Onion
Juelia
Kaitlyn
Britt

The limo takes the girls to a cemetery. I shouted “GHOSTS IN THE GRAVEYARD!” at the television, but that didn’t happen. Instead, 20+ zombies attack the car and all the girls freak the hell out. The Farmer pops his head in, laughing hysterically at the commotion. Amber takes a shot of brown liquor before following the others out of the limo.

The game is simple. Take a paint ball gun and shoot the zombies in the head. Once you find a beacon of light, the game is over. One of the voices Melrose heard in her head was, “Shoot people.” Several of the girls try to explain that she is supposed to shoot zombies, not her teammates. She gives a blank stare, salutes Mesa Verde and heads out into battle. Everyone is scared of her, as everyone should be. Let the games begin.

There was a lot of screaming, and general “shoot what moves in the shadows” mentality that got pretty old pretty quickly. Melrose waltzes up to a herd of zombies and instead if firing in their cranial region, she joins them as if it on the set of a “Thriller” video. When she does come across a lone zombie, she shoots them in the head, four times in various other body parts for good measure and gives them a stern talking to about the importance of remaining dead. Whack-a-do.

It would appear that this season’s crop of potential farm wives are not only 5150, but also take to the sauce when the going gets rough. Jordan’s motto is: If you can’t be on the date, at least you can be drunk. Her assigned camera man films her upside down twerking against a wall before she announces to the world that Jillian has a hairy butt. The last thing she wants to do is embarrass Jillian, but it’s definitely on her list. You can always count on a trashed people to share sober thoughts.

Switching from drunk back to Crazy Town, Melrose becomes the center of attention. Mainly because she stirs up insightful conversation by enforcing the statement, “That’s how I feel. Boom.” Of course, she never shares any descriptive words that explain how she feels other than the “boom” but her audience gets the point. Home girl must be overtired from mixing her little white pills with tequila.

Kaitlyn thinks Melrose would eat a rose if she was lucky enough to get one. She also pours on the cool girl charm and uses her Canadian accent to get The Farmer oot and aboot from the others so they can smooch it up.

Later, Melrose scores some alone time with The Farmer. She tells him not to worry and in the same breath, asks if he wants to play hide-and-seek. She quickly changes her mind and asks him to go exploring when the subject of Mesa Verde and the question, “Are we in a dome?” compete for center attention. The Farmer suppresses a smile.

Mel: I’m not going to be fake with you. Yeah? Huh?
Farmer: I don’t know what you’re asking me, but I can tell there’s a lot on your mind.
Mel: You don’t want to lose the whole world. You don’t want to lose your soul.
Farmer: That’s a fact.

This girl is either legitimately crazy, or she’s acting legitimately crazy. Both scenarios annoy me. If she truly is sick, then she shouldn’t be on national television crawling on the ground trying to get the attention of a cat. The fact that the ABC Psychotherapist hasn’t swooped in to whisk her away makes me think that this is all a ruse. I miss Drunk Girl Jordan.

The Farmer doesn’t seem to mind the dodgy behavior. He keeps finding reasons to pull girls away and snog them in zombie headquarters. Britt is the next one up. She assures him that she is completely into this (at least until hometowns before she decides to leave on noble terms and come back as the next bachelorette) and is in no way stressed about the situation. He gives her a note that reads, “Free kiss from Chris.”

Had it been me, I would have marched directly up to Chris Harrison and redeemed my coupon, but I forget that The Farmer’s name is Chris too. See what he did there? She gives free hugs. He gives free kisses. After pecking all the other girls, The Farmer goes for it with Britt. She feels pretty confident that the date rose is hers and is floored when he wipes the hot pink lipstick from his mouth, grabs the rose and hands it to Kaitlyn.

Rose Ceremony
The Farmer strides in wearing pants that are too short. Whitney pulls him away to toast our bachelor with his favorite whiskey in her best baby voice. Ashley I-Lashes tells Mackenzie that she’s a virgin and Mackenzie, who has not yet learned how to use her internal filter, tells her eye-feathered friend that she is sooooo lucky because guys like to take virginities. The Farmer is going to find this uber attractive.

This gives Ashley I-Lashes just enough courage to show The Farmer a whole new world. She whips out her magic lamp bellybutton bling, gives him three wishes and forces him to rub the charm so she can grant the first one right then and there. He wants a magic carpet ride? She’ll give him a magic carpet ride. The makeout session turns aggressive as Ashley I-Lashes’ unhinges her jaw to swallow his face. She pulls him down on the rattan patio furniture for 50 shades of dry humping. Please note that no gracious black modest boxes were used in the filming of this tryst.

If that weren’t enough, Jordan chose to avoid her inevitable hangover by staying drunk. She tells the camera that she is infatuated with The Farmer and wonders why their lips haven’t kissed yet? Someone whispers in Jordan’s ear that she should go talk to The Farmer. That someone is named Vodka. She interrupts The Farmer’s time with Juelia with this important announcement: Letsmakeoutmmmkay?

The Farmer smiles and helps her to the top of the bleachers for the closing ceremony. Along with Kaitlyn, Mackenzie and ballet bun Megan, roses go to:

Future Bachelorette Britt
Ashley I-Lashes
Sometimes Needs a Comb Trina
Kelsey from Austin
Blue-Eyed Samantha
Esthetician Juelia

Unfortunately, Jillian hears her own name, waltzes up to our bachelor and trips on the carpet mid-journey, flashing her gracious black modesty patch to everyone in the room. Lord, please let this girl catch a break! She laughs her way back to the lineup as Juelia accepts her rose.

Take a Shot Amber
Tracy the Teacher
Jillian (stepping carefully)
Wait, Who Is She Jade
Lyla Garrity (THREES!)
Becca the Normal
Karaoke Carly
Baby Voice Whitney
Melrose the Onion

My hope is that Melrose is indeed Courtney Thorne-Smith’s niece who is contractually obligated to act like a loon and isn’t actually certifiable. I was more upset that Drunk Jordan and her buddy Tara were sent home packing. Don’t worry Tara. You look gorgeous in your emerald green dress. You’ll be someone’s number one in no time.

Alissa, Tandra and Kimberly also got the axe. Too bad they’re going to miss Jimmy Kimmel’s shenanigans next week. Here’s hoping someone else takes the drunk reigns so we can be thoroughly entertained.

What did you think about the episode? Is The Farmer really into Mackenzie? Did Ashley I-Lashes’ bellybutton ring make you throw up a little bit in your mouth, or are bellybuttons just creepy to me? Do you think Melrose is faking it for ratings? Have you ever sat around in your bikini and had a conversation? Or does that thought mortify you? Sound off in the comments section!

I’m all about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee