It’s obvious that Mike Fleiss has an agenda for this season’s The Bachelorette. He throws Kaitlyn into the deep end of the dating pool, surrounding her with personal trainers, ambiguously gay guys and a teen heartthrob from a beloved television show in the 70s. He instructs Our Host Chris Harrison to monitor the situation, while he barks out an order for the ABC Intern to put down the candles and hack Kaitlyn’s various social media accounts. Within minutes, an economy-class ticket to New York City is purchased for one Nick Viall. Is he here for the right reasons? Am I here for the right reasons? Rose ceremonies are abandoned. Dudes are dropping left and right. The rules are…there are no rules.

Silver lining? There wasn’t a single Kentucky Joe nut sighting and no one used the word “vagina” in front of a classroom of children. I’m counting this episode as a victory, people.

We’re all in this together.

ABC wastes no time diving into the rose ceremony from last week. The cliffhanger appears to have a permanent slot on the show’s agenda, so everyone is going to have to get on board with this change. This is REAL LIFE. Villains gonna vil and haters gonna hate. It’s time for Kaitlyn to lay the smack down.

Clint is deemed “one of the biggest douches in Bachelor history.” (Mental note: email this pitch to Buzzfeed) Kaitlyn grabs him from the living room, hauls him outside, watches curiously as he puts on his belt and then challenges him to give her any good reason why she should keep him around.

His reason is that he and JJ have become close. Kaitlyn waves at the pesky red flag flying in her face, bristling at the idea that Clint refuses to kiss her butt. She admits that it’s hard for her to trust him. He admits that he’s trying overcome himself. I admit that I have no idea what he’s talking about, but I like the direction this is going—which is hopefully OUT THE DOOR.

But wait! Kaitlyn shows signs of crumbling with, “I really, really, really, really like you.” Four “really’s” equals a marriage proposal on the elementary school playground. Just as I get nervous thinking Kaitlyn is going to cave, she stands up and tells Clint that it’s time to say good-bye to the other contestants.

Annnnnd now she’s taking over hosting duties. Great.

Kaitlyn announces to the guys that Clint is history. He gives a longing look in JJ’s general direction. JJ clears his throat, commanding the attention of the room, before suggesting that Clint apologize to the other guys for “stealing time and emotions.”

I feel Tanner explained this particular moment best. I changed one of the words because this is a PG-Rated blog.

“If you’re going to be a duck, then just be a duck. Don’t be a duck that throws your best friend under the bus. That just makes you and unloyal duck.”

Is that too long to fit on a t-shirt?

Clint’s face transforms from shock, to sadness, to rage—clearly all emotions he “stole” from the other guys at the rose ceremony. JJ follows Clint into the foyer, blaming his raging hormones on that sudden, yet convenient stab in the back. Clint comes undone. Even when JJ completely invades his 18-inches of socially accepted personal space, Clint responds with flared nostrils and well-timed f-bombs.

Then Clint goes in for the kill:

“I wish you the best of luck. That tie goes really well with that shirt. Piece of BLEEP.”

You can call him every name in the book, but the burn to the tie sends JJ into an emotional frenzy. He makes his way over to a nearby railing, pulls a Mesnick, takes a couple of deep breaths and slaps his face while calling himself an SOB. I kept waiting for a long-lost family member, who died 20 years ago, to walk into the shot. Or for Harrison to pull JJ aside to tell him Clint was actually his brother and he suddenly needs a kidney. That never happened. I guess these aren’t the days of our lives. JJ wills himself to pull it together for the rose ceremony.

Only there is no rose ceremony, because there are no rules. Kailtyn decides to let everyone stay. Her exciting announcement is met with a chorus of heavy breathing instead of boisterous applause. She remains immune to the big, face-slapping elephant in the room. Harrison saves her by announcing that the boys are headed for New York City. Bro cheers all around before drawing straws to see who’s stuck sleeping in the same room with JJ.

GROUP DATE ONE
Jonathan
Ben
Corey
Metro Ryan
Tanner
JJ
Gosling
“Let’s keep our love fresh.”

First of all, can someone get Justin a bobby pin for that boy band hair? Thanks. Second, Kaitlyn reads on her date card notes from the ABC Intern that New York is the home of hip hop. She is eager to see which guys (from the ones who didn’t already embarrass themselves improving front of a live audience) can embarrass themselves rapping in front of a live audience.

She introduces the guys to “the world’s greatest entertainer” Doug E. Fresh, who rocks the stage with sick breakbeats (I totally Wikipedia’d that.) Anyone under the age of 30 stealthily asks the dude next to him, if that’s Soulja Boy’s dad or one of the dudes from Jodeci? The millennials decide to dance the “Dougie” just to be safe.

Kaitlyn is in hog heaven. When Doug E. launches into his quintessential “Ladi Dadi,” Kaitlyn reverts back to Adam Goldblum’s bar mitzvah she attended in 1999. She and Jonathan (age: 33) sing every word to every verse. Doug E. is just happy Kaitlyn wasn’t a New Kids on the Block fan, otherwise everyone would be hanging tough right about now.

Doug E. explains that the guys are going to partake in a rap battle. Kaitlyn reminds them that rap battles are full of digs and disses at the other person’s expense—but you know, all in good fun. I remember seeing this very phenomenon on 8 Mile starring rap sensation Marshal Mathers, otherwise known as Eminem. Something tells me the guys wearing neck scarves and mondo amounts of hair gel are not going to be able to lose themselves in the music. Or the moment.

What We Learned From the Rap Battle

1. JJ has listened to zero rap in his life. He prefers Broadway show tunes. #Phantom4Eva
2. Ben “raps” that even with steroids, Tanner would never look like him. #CrossFit4Eva
3. Corey dresses the part (a beanie, saggy pants) and sort of raps to JJ about his bromance with Clint. #EasyTarget
4. JJ retaliates, by using the phrase “New York City hoes” in front of an audience of mostly women in a club in New York City. #WatchYourBack
5. Justin’s rap was forgettable. #HisHairWasNot
6. Gosling offered to help Justin with his hair (#nice) and then flashed his abs. #ThankYou

Kaitlyn spies Ashley I-Lashes in the roped off VIP area and runs over to give her a hug. After pulling away, she sees Nick and she begins to giggle like a school girl who got a sex education lesson from some random dudes on a reality show. Her reaction spoke volumes. They sneak off and Nick tells her that it bugged him to think of her getting engaged on the show. So he happened to hop a plane from wherever he was “working,” and happened to fly to New York City and just happened to score VIP tickets to his favorite rapper Doug E. Fresh’s open mic night.

Everything’s coming up Kaitlyn, isn’t it?

Kaitlyn pretends that she is waffling in her decision to add Nick to the roster. She explains that they are social media friends, but have never met. She sits in the stairwell, wondering what Doug E. Fresh would do in this same situation?

She meets the guys on a cruise ship. Her head is swimming with Nick’s powerful pheromones. She can’t concentrate and neither can I, because Corey is wearing red Ames pants.

And that makes me wonder what Ames is up to?

Gosling sits down and reads Kaitlyn like a notebook. He asks her what’s wrong, and she blurts out that she wants to give Nick a chance, but doesn’t want to cause problems or disrespect any of the other guys. Metro Ryan asks if Nick is the guy from Andi’s season? The wind is sucked out of Kaitlyn’s sails when she begrudgingly answers yes. Corey asks her if she’s confident in the group of men she has before her. She gives him a less-than-energetic “sure.” Gosling starts hitting the booze hard. Alcohol will not solve your problems, Gos. But neither will tonic water. Carry on my friend. Drinkers gotta drink.

Kaitlyn leaves to secretly rendezvous with Nick right outside on the pier while Tanner and Metro Ryan fill the others in on how Nick is disrespectful. Kaitlyn doesn’t see it that way. She sees Nick’s tongue down her throat and decides to make him wait 12 hours before she tells him he can stay on the show. A lady never appears desperate. She heads back onto the boat to face the guys. Justin steps up and gives her an out:

Justin: What’s another guy? This is your journey. He is not a threat. This is not going to detour me from what I’m doing.

Funny. That sentence detoured my friend Ann from swallowing (because she was laughing so hard) and she had to spit her water out in protest. In the end, Justin’s grammatical challenges neither detour nor deter Kaitlyn from giving him a “thank you for believing in me, my heart and Nick’s lips” rose at the end of the date.

WINTER IS COMING MONTAGE
ABC runs an entire two minutes of wintery New York City weather b-roll as we listen to Kaitlyn and Nick discuss how she’s developed relationships with other dudes. She strings him along, unwilling to give her final answer over the phone. She pencils in a meeting between journaling and getting her hair done for date night.

Of course Ashley S. (Melrose) is the lucky beautician chosen to give Kaitlyn an easy breezy updo. She also gives her a little advice:

Kaitlyn: I’ve never experienced so much chemistry in just two minutes.
Ash: That’s lust.
Kaitlyn: Well…
Ash: And it can fade.

I’m having an out-of-body experience, y’all. I AGREE WITH ASHLEY S.! Mesa Verde, here I come.

Kaitllyn meets Nick at the appointed time and tells him that their chemistry is undeniable and that since there are no rules this season, she is free to be a little selfish. She thinks she would regret letting Nick go back to wherever, to do whatever it is that he does. He is free to join the fun, but he needs to wait for her to prepare the boys before he shows up with a duffel bag full of cardigans and skinny jeans. Nick thanks Kaitlyn by making out with her on the street.

ONE-ON-ONE DATE
Jared
“Let’s reimagine the night we first met.”

I noticed a few things when Jared received his date card. First, his hair is special, but was later fixed for his Pretty Woman date, so I’ll excuse the wayward Bieber-esque business he was sporting earlier. Second, white undershirts two sizes too small were clearly distributed in the official Bachelor travel grab bag. Three, Gosling was wearing capri workout tights/pants. Do with that what you will.

Kaitlyn and Jared have the Metropolitan Museum of Art all to themselves. They recreate Jade’s Cinderella date from last season, but instead of waiting for Kaitllyn to traipse down two flights of stairs in stiletto heels like Chris The Farmer did, Jared meets her halfway. He can’t help but gush because she’s slathered in jewels from Uncle Neil.

It’s too bad all Kaitlyn can think about is Nick. She even asks Jared how he feels about “the situation” and he politely responds that he wants to spend time with her not talking about the others. Kaitlyn presses the matter, but Jared distracts her with more glasses of bright yellow wine and a few verses of original poetry. She gives him the rose so the night will end already, but then she spies a card from Chris Harrison. It’s basically a forgo card with a helicopter instead of a fantasy suite. Jared is excited that this is the night that he fell in love with his future wife. Kaitlyn is excited that she got to see the Statue of Liberty’s face up close and personal. She can’t wait to tell Nick all about it.

SECOND GROUP DATE
Ian
Chris The Dentist
Kentucky Joe
Joshua
Peter
“Let’s play.”

All the guys are eager to get out of the Knickerbocker to explore the city that never sleeps. Kaitlyn walks in and breaks the exciting/horrible news that Nick will be moving in that night.

S-I-L-E-N-C-E.

She tells them that it was a tough decision made easier after kissing Nick in the street and it doesn’t take away anything she may or may pretend to have with the other guys. Gosling begins building furniture. Joshua looks for metal he can melt from the flames of one of the candles. Ian tries to work out the logistics of this new development. The Dentist flosses. Metro Ryan and Tanner huddle up to write down how many times Nick ticked off America. Kentucky Joe plays some spoons. And Peter calls a family meeting, positioning everyone on the same couch in order of height.

Kaitlyn peaces out, instructing the guys to find her somewhere in Times Square when they are ready to play. After they collect themselves, the group heads over to the theater where Aladdin is showing so they can participate in a real Broadway tryout. The winner will get to take the stage with Kaitlyn in front of 1,800 people. JJ is going to steal so many emotions when he hears this!

Kaitlyn thinks that Aladdin is the perfect love story. True, but it’s also a story about a street rat who steals food, assumes a different identity and tricks the princess into falling in love with him with the help of a magical genie, but that’s neither here nor there. Let’s dance!

After about five minutes, the judges (Aladdin, Jasmine and the director) could care less about any of the dudes showing them a whole new world. They decide to go with the least awful. That happens to be Chris The Dentist. He sort of kept time during the dancing. He was a little pitchy singing. He can project his voice. Welcome to Broadway!

Kentucky Joe blames his loss on the lack of musical theater in his home town. Joshua wants to punch a hay bale. Ian heads back to his spreadsheets to figure out where he went wrong. Peter mopes, knowing that he performs better as a sextuplet. And I channel my inner Healer, wondering why we can’t have a normal date where people go to the beach? Or dare I say…the zoo?

Kentucky Joe: Do they really perform this show eight nights a week?
Lincee: Yes. New York City is a magical place, with one extra day in his calendar week. Check the time. It’s already tomorrow!

Chris walks into Kaitlyn’s dressing room rocking a mean set of abs, harem pants and lip gloss that needs to be in my purse. He and Kaitlyn are escorted to the wings of the stage. A maharaja shoves them out into the Arabian market, they smile and 30 seconds later they are basking in the memory of their Broadway debut. It’s everything Chris dreamed it would be!

Later that night, Kaitlyn takes Chris up “10 million” flights of stairs to the Times Square ball, which as everyone knows, is the center point of the universe. If you dig deep enough, I’m sure you’ll find the arc of the covenant below it. Chris gets the rose and a little lovin’ from Kaitlyn.

Kaitlyn: He’s got heart. He’ll be a good husband.
Lincee: Just not for you, right?
Kaitlyn: Right. I prefer villains who vil.
Lincee: Stop trying to make that happen.
Kaitlyn: You’re the one who can’t stop typing it.
Lincee: Touché.

Meanwhile, Nick wanders around Times Square, passing both Starbucks multiple times. The Knickerbocker may have a fancy elevator man, but the building is sure hard to find when winter is coming. Nick wheels his tiny duffel into the hotel room. The door shuts.

Annnnnnd scene.

Juuuuuust kidding.

Flash forward to the beach! In case you’re wondering, Britt and Brady are doing great. She’s dressing like him, talking like him and agreeing with everything he says. He’s ready to introduce her to his family and she can’t wait to pick out her favorite pair of worn out leggings for the occasion. Love wins every time!

What did you think of Clint’s departure and Nick’s arrival? Who will get kicked off in next week’s rose ceremony? Or do you think guys are going to start walking out themselves, disgusted by Kaitlyn’s rogue behavior? Sound off in the comments!