‘The Bachelorette’ recap: Ladi Dadi, Kaitlyn likes to party
It’s obvious that Mike Fleiss has an agenda for this season’s The Bachelorette. He throws Kaitlyn into the deep end of the dating pool, surrounding her with personal trainers, ambiguously gay guys and a teen heartthrob from a beloved television show in the 70s. He instructs Our Host Chris Harrison to monitor the situation, while he barks out an order for the ABC Intern to put down the candles and hack Kaitlyn’s various social media accounts. Within minutes, an economy-class ticket to New York City is purchased for one Nick Viall. Is he here for the right reasons? Am I here for the right reasons? Rose ceremonies are abandoned. Dudes are dropping left and right. The rules are…there are no rules.
Silver lining? There wasn’t a single Kentucky Joe nut sighting and no one used the word “vagina” in front of a classroom of children. I’m counting this episode as a victory, people.
We’re all in this together.
ABC wastes no time diving into the rose ceremony from last week. The cliffhanger appears to have a permanent slot on the show’s agenda, so everyone is going to have to get on board with this change. This is REAL LIFE. Villains gonna vil and haters gonna hate. It’s time for Kaitlyn to lay the smack down.
Clint is deemed “one of the biggest douches in Bachelor history.” (Mental note: email this pitch to Buzzfeed) Kaitlyn grabs him from the living room, hauls him outside, watches curiously as he puts on his belt and then challenges him to give her any good reason why she should keep him around.
His reason is that he and JJ have become close. Kaitlyn waves at the pesky red flag flying in her face, bristling at the idea that Clint refuses to kiss her butt. She admits that it’s hard for her to trust him. He admits that he’s trying overcome himself. I admit that I have no idea what he’s talking about, but I like the direction this is going—which is hopefully OUT THE DOOR.
But wait! Kaitlyn shows signs of crumbling with, “I really, really, really, really like you.” Four “really’s” equals a marriage proposal on the elementary school playground. Just as I get nervous thinking Kaitlyn is going to cave, she stands up and tells Clint that it’s time to say good-bye to the other contestants.
Annnnnd now she’s taking over hosting duties. Great.
Kaitlyn announces to the guys that Clint is history. He gives a longing look in JJ’s general direction. JJ clears his throat, commanding the attention of the room, before suggesting that Clint apologize to the other guys for “stealing time and emotions.”
I feel Tanner explained this particular moment best. I changed one of the words because this is a PG-Rated blog.
“If you’re going to be a duck, then just be a duck. Don’t be a duck that throws your best friend under the bus. That just makes you and unloyal duck.”
Is that too long to fit on a t-shirt?
Clint’s face transforms from shock, to sadness, to rage—clearly all emotions he “stole” from the other guys at the rose ceremony. JJ follows Clint into the foyer, blaming his raging hormones on that sudden, yet convenient stab in the back. Clint comes undone. Even when JJ completely invades his 18-inches of socially accepted personal space, Clint responds with flared nostrils and well-timed f-bombs.
Then Clint goes in for the kill:
“I wish you the best of luck. That tie goes really well with that shirt. Piece of BLEEP.”
You can call him every name in the book, but the burn to the tie sends JJ into an emotional frenzy. He makes his way over to a nearby railing, pulls a Mesnick, takes a couple of deep breaths and slaps his face while calling himself an SOB. I kept waiting for a long-lost family member, who died 20 years ago, to walk into the shot. Or for Harrison to pull JJ aside to tell him Clint was actually his brother and he suddenly needs a kidney. That never happened. I guess these aren’t the days of our lives. JJ wills himself to pull it together for the rose ceremony.
Only there is no rose ceremony, because there are no rules. Kailtyn decides to let everyone stay. Her exciting announcement is met with a chorus of heavy breathing instead of boisterous applause. She remains immune to the big, face-slapping elephant in the room. Harrison saves her by announcing that the boys are headed for New York City. Bro cheers all around before drawing straws to see who’s stuck sleeping in the same room with JJ.
GROUP DATE ONE
“Let’s keep our love fresh.”
First of all, can someone get Justin a bobby pin for that boy band hair? Thanks. Second, Kaitlyn reads on her date card notes from the ABC Intern that New York is the home of hip hop. She is eager to see which guys (from the ones who didn’t already embarrass themselves improving front of a live audience) can embarrass themselves rapping in front of a live audience.
She introduces the guys to “the world’s greatest entertainer” Doug E. Fresh, who rocks the stage with sick breakbeats (I totally Wikipedia’d that.) Anyone under the age of 30 stealthily asks the dude next to him, if that’s Soulja Boy’s dad or one of the dudes from Jodeci? The millennials decide to dance the “Dougie” just to be safe.
Kaitlyn is in hog heaven. When Doug E. launches into his quintessential “Ladi Dadi,” Kaitlyn reverts back to Adam Goldblum’s bar mitzvah she attended in 1999. She and Jonathan (age: 33) sing every word to every verse. Doug E. is just happy Kaitlyn wasn’t a New Kids on the Block fan, otherwise everyone would be hanging tough right about now.
Doug E. explains that the guys are going to partake in a rap battle. Kaitlyn reminds them that rap battles are full of digs and disses at the other person’s expense—but you know, all in good fun. I remember seeing this very phenomenon on 8 Mile starring rap sensation Marshal Mathers, otherwise known as Eminem. Something tells me the guys wearing neck scarves and mondo amounts of hair gel are not going to be able to lose themselves in the music. Or the moment.
What We Learned From the Rap Battle
- JJ has listened to zero rap in his life. He prefers Broadway show tunes. #Phantom4Eva
- Ben “raps” that even with steroids, Tanner would never look like him. #CrossFit4Eva
- Corey dresses the part (a beanie, saggy pants) and sort of raps to JJ about his bromance with Clint. #EasyTarget
- JJ retaliates, by using the phrase “New York City hoes” in front of an audience of mostly women in a club in New York City. #WatchYourBack
- Justin’s rap was forgettable. #HisHairWasNot
- Gosling offered to help Justin with his hair (#nice) and then flashed his abs. #ThankYou
Kaitlyn spies Ashley I-Lashes in the roped off VIP area and runs over to give her a hug. After pulling away, she sees Nick and she begins to giggle like a school girl who got a sex education lesson from some random dudes on a reality show. Her reaction spoke volumes. They sneak off and Nick tells her that it bugged him to think of her getting engaged on the show. So he happened to hop a plane from wherever he was “working,” and happened to fly to New York City and just happened to score VIP tickets to his favorite rapper Doug E. Fresh’s open mic night.
Everything’s coming up Kaitlyn, isn’t it?
Kaitlyn pretends that she is waffling in her decision to add Nick to the roster. She explains that they are social media friends, but have never met. She sits in the stairwell, wondering what Doug E. Fresh would do in this same situation?
She meets the guys on a cruise ship. Her head is swimming with Nick’s powerful pheromones. She can’t concentrate and neither can I, because Corey is wearing red Ames pants.
And that makes me wonder what Ames is up to?
Gosling sits down and reads Kaitlyn like a notebook. He asks her what’s wrong, and she blurts out that she wants to give Nick a chance, but doesn’t want to cause problems or disrespect any of the other guys. Metro Ryan asks if Nick is the guy from Andi’s season? The wind is sucked out of Kaitlyn’s sails when she begrudgingly answers yes. Corey asks her if she’s confident in the group of men she has before her. She gives him a less-than-energetic “sure.” Gosling starts hitting the booze hard. Alcohol will not solve your problems, Gos. But neither will tonic water. Carry on my friend. Drinkers gotta drink.
Kaitlyn leaves to secretly rendezvous with Nick right outside on the pier while Tanner and Metro Ryan fill the others in on how Nick is disrespectful. Kaitlyn doesn’t see it that way. She sees Nick’s tongue down her throat and decides to make him wait 12 hours before she tells him he can stay on the show. A lady never appears desperate. She heads back onto the boat to face the guys. Justin steps up and gives her an out:
Justin: What’s another guy? This is your journey. He is not a threat. This is not going to detour me from what I’m doing.
Funny. That sentence detoured my friend Ann from swallowing (because she was laughing so hard) and she had to spit her water out in protest. In the end, Justin’s grammatical challenges neither detour nor deter Kaitlyn from giving him a “thank you for believing in me, my heart and Nick’s lips” rose at the end of the date.
WINTER IS COMING MONTAGE
ABC runs an entire two minutes of wintery New York City weather b-roll as we listen to Kaitlyn and Nick discuss how she’s developed relationships with other dudes. She strings him along, unwilling to give her final answer over the phone. She pencils in a meeting between journaling and getting her hair done for date night.
Of course Ashley S. (Melrose) is the lucky beautician chosen to give Kaitlyn an easy breezy updo. She also gives her a little advice:
Kaitlyn: I’ve never experienced so much chemistry in just two minutes.
Ash: That’s lust.
Ash: And it can fade.
I’m having an out-of-body experience, y’all. I AGREE WITH ASHLEY S.! Mesa Verde, here I come.
Kaitllyn meets Nick at the appointed time and tells him that their chemistry is undeniable and that since there are no rules this season, she is free to be a little selfish. She thinks she would regret letting Nick go back to wherever, to do whatever it is that he does. He is free to join the fun, but he needs to wait for her to prepare the boys before he shows up with a duffel bag full of cardigans and skinny jeans. Nick thanks Kaitlyn by making out with her on the street.
“Let’s reimagine the night we first met.”
I noticed a few things when Jared received his date card. First, his hair is special, but was later fixed for his Pretty Woman date, so I’ll excuse the wayward Bieber-esque business he was sporting earlier. Second, white undershirts two sizes too small were clearly distributed in the official Bachelor travel grab bag. Three, Gosling was wearing capri workout tights/pants. Do with that what you will.
Kaitlyn and Jared have the Metropolitan Museum of Art all to themselves. They recreate Jade’s Cinderella date from last season, but instead of waiting for Kaitllyn to traipse down two flights of stairs in stiletto heels like Chris The Farmer did, Jared meets her halfway. He can’t help but gush because she’s slathered in jewels from Uncle Neil.
It’s too bad all Kaitlyn can think about is Nick. She even asks Jared how he feels about “the situation” and he politely responds that he wants to spend time with her not talking about the others. Kaitlyn presses the matter, but Jared distracts her with more glasses of bright yellow wine and a few verses of original poetry. She gives him the rose so the night will end already, but then she spies a card from Chris Harrison. It’s basically a forgo card with a helicopter instead of a fantasy suite. Jared is excited that this is the night that he fell in love with his future wife. Kaitlyn is excited that she got to see the Statue of Liberty’s face up close and personal. She can’t wait to tell Nick all about it.
SECOND GROUP DATE
Chris The Dentist
All the guys are eager to get out of the Knickerbocker to explore the city that never sleeps. Kaitlyn walks in and breaks the exciting/horrible news that Nick will be moving in that night.
She tells them that it was a tough decision made easier after kissing Nick in the street and it doesn’t take away anything she may or may pretend to have with the other guys. Gosling begins building furniture. Joshua looks for metal he can melt from the flames of one of the candles. Ian tries to work out the logistics of this new development. The Dentist flosses. Metro Ryan and Tanner huddle up to write down how many times Nick ticked off America. Kentucky Joe plays some spoons. And Peter calls a family meeting, positioning everyone on the same couch in order of height.
Kaitlyn peaces out, instructing the guys to find her somewhere in Times Square when they are ready to play. After they collect themselves, the group heads over to the theater where Aladdin is showing so they can participate in a real Broadway tryout. The winner will get to take the stage with Kaitlyn in front of 1,800 people. JJ is going to steal so many emotions when he hears this!
Kaitlyn thinks that Aladdin is the perfect love story. True, but it’s also a story about a street rat who steals food, assumes a different identity and tricks the princess into falling in love with him with the help of a magical genie, but that’s neither here nor there. Let’s dance!
After about five minutes, the judges (Aladdin, Jasmine and the director) could care less about any of the dudes showing them a whole new world. They decide to go with the least awful. That happens to be Chris The Dentist. He sort of kept time during the dancing. He was a little pitchy singing. He can project his voice. Welcome to Broadway!
Kentucky Joe blames his loss on the lack of musical theater in his home town. Joshua wants to punch a hay bale. Ian heads back to his spreadsheets to figure out where he went wrong. Peter mopes, knowing that he performs better as a sextuplet. And I channel my inner Healer, wondering why we can’t have a normal date where people go to the beach? Or dare I say…the zoo?
Kentucky Joe: Do they really perform this show eight nights a week?
Lincee: Yes. New York City is a magical place, with one extra day in his calendar week. Check the time. It’s already tomorrow!
Chris walks into Kaitlyn’s dressing room rocking a mean set of abs, harem pants and lip gloss that needs to be in my purse. He and Kaitlyn are escorted to the wings of the stage. A maharaja shoves them out into the Arabian market, they smile and 30 seconds later they are basking in the memory of their Broadway debut. It’s everything Chris dreamed it would be!
Later that night, Kaitlyn takes Chris up “10 million” flights of stairs to the Times Square ball, which as everyone knows, is the center point of the universe. If you dig deep enough, I’m sure you’ll find the arc of the covenant below it. Chris gets the rose and a little lovin’ from Kaitlyn.
Kaitlyn: He’s got heart. He’ll be a good husband.
Lincee: Just not for you, right?
Kaitlyn: Right. I prefer villains who vil.
Lincee: Stop trying to make that happen.
Kaitlyn: You’re the one who can’t stop typing it.
Meanwhile, Nick wanders around Times Square, passing both Starbucks multiple times. The Knickerbocker may have a fancy elevator man, but the building is sure hard to find when winter is coming. Nick wheels his tiny duffel into the hotel room. The door shuts.
Flash forward to the beach! In case you’re wondering, Britt and Brady are doing great. She’s dressing like him, talking like him and agreeing with everything he says. He’s ready to introduce her to his family and she can’t wait to pick out her favorite pair of worn out leggings for the occasion. Love wins every time!
What did you think of Clint’s departure and Nick’s arrival? Who will get kicked off in next week’s rose ceremony? Or do you think guys are going to start walking out themselves, disgusted by Kaitlyn’s rogue behavior? Sound off in the comments!
I keep watching this train wreck of a season, and I’m losing brain cells quickly.
Something is off about this season. We don’t see Kaitlyn getting to really know these guys. Maybe it’s editing, but I feel like we don’t see relationships forming. It’s all guy drama, kissing, guys going on dates that make them look like idiots.
I think I like Joshua out of all of them. However, I’m ready for the season to be over. Bring on BIP!
Sorry, but someone needs to protect the good guys from Fakelyn. (I just made that up. Hilarious, right??)
Beth, you nailed it! I decided after this episode that Kaitlin is a real dud…conversations are soooo vacuous! More so than in “any Bachelor season yet”.
It’s like watching Juan Pablo all over again. Instead of actually listening to what anyone is saying, let’s just make out.
Beth, I completely agree! Loved the recap Lincee
The reasons something is “off” this season are: 1) we have a classless Bachelorette; and, 2) it isn’t fun or exciting drama, it is boring, ridiculous, manufactured drama. I continue to believe that they design the dates around the girl and I repeat, they would have never in a million years done sumo wrestling with Emily, Des, Ali, etc.
All of the fun has been extracted from this show. The Metropolitan Museum date, at least, finally allowed us to look at some great scenery (the Temple of Dendur is amazing), but Kaitlyn wasted almost the entire evening dithering about NIck!
The cocktail parties (or lack of them – they don’t even seem to have them anymore because Kaitlyn is always outside telling someone to leave, trying to shut up some raging guy, or off with Nick who just showed up “spontaneously”, uh-uh, right) are so boring. It’s usually just the guys sitting around on couches set up in an L shape, waiting for the Bachelorette (isn’t that the name of this show? someone remind me why we’re here) to come in finally and mingle.
There is nothing fun about this, except reading this blog.
Ann, I agree that the dates definitely fit the Bachelorette. But I am starting to think that the dates were set way ahead of time, and they picked the Bachelorette to match the dates. Poor Britt, she didn’t stand a chance, because she would not have fit in with boxing, Sumo, or even an Aladdin play. It’s a good thing Brady asked her to be his girlfriend! Fourth grade is much more her style!
Thank you Ann!
Something is off. Justin’s hair FOR SURE. Thanks for commenting Beth!
I think/hope it’ll be Joshua, Ben H, Ben Z, and Kentucky Joe in Paradise. And Gosling as next Bachelor because, ya know, Gosling.
Favorite Line: ” Alcohol will not solve your problems. But neither will tonic water. Carry on my friend.”
I definitely think guys start walking. I would… especially after the scandalous “I took it too far” episode.
I agree Joanna. I think more than one guy is gonna walk. And my guess one of those guys is Ian.
Ian is my favorite tall glass of water!!!
He was awesome talking Tony off the ledge and rolling his eyes at the same time. He’d be my choice for OHCH’s ethnically diverse Bachelor.
I totally agree. Ian is hot! He would be awesome as the next bachelor because he has substance too.
I totally agree. Ian is hot! He would make an awesome Bachelor because he also has substance.
I agree with everything you ladies said about Ian. It looks like (from the teasers) that he tells her off and tells her that she is not interested in guys of substance. I think he is not only quite yummy, but also astute, confident, calm and classy. He comes across as a really great person. She doesn’t currently seem to be into really great people though…..I’m definitely disappointed in Kaitlyn. She doesn’t come across the way I originally thought she was.
Yeah… it looks like Ian might be one who has decided all she wants to do is make out. UGH. I was SO excited when she was made the ‘Ette, and I wanted to punch that girl this episode.
Jeez, I thought this was the nice place to hang out.
Ian for next Bachelor!! He is by far my favorite. I want him to stay for at least a few more episodes to increase his chances of being the Bachelor.
Did anyone else notice that every single person in the audience at the “rap battle” was Caucasian?
Lincee, thank you for making an annoying episode tolerable. I figure that watching this train wreck is the price I pay for admission to your blog.
YES! I noticed that too!
Doug E Fresh must have quite the Caucasian following in New York. Do you think that’s it Vicki?
Well the audience probably consisted of Bachelor fans who responded to calls to be in the audience, so it’s not that surprising!
Okay, my opinion is (and this is only my opinion, not a spoiler!) that it’s Nick with whom she bumps uglies. All of the other guys–even JJ–have entirely too much self-respect to sink that low. And I think that if by some chance she ends up with Nick, then they deserve each other. Villains always gonna vil, right?
My favorite part of the entire history of Bach/Bach-lette is Clint’s departure when he said to JJ – “That tie really goes with that shirt, dude”.
Totally agree! I think it’s Nick that she gets down with too… Ick..
I am thinking it was Jared, and it already happened.
I thought it was Jared too at first from the season highlights, but now I think it’s Nick. She is just absurd around him and can’t seem to control herself.
I think that is a valid theory ricksterb. Very valid.
I ALSO believe it’s with Nick that she gets it on. I think Ashley S. was right in saying that it’s just lust, which would inevitably lead to that. And I will say, although I do NOT agree with her behavior, it’s almost better that it’s Nick (if it is) because at least they “knew” each other for longer than 5 minutes before they closed the doors, if ya catch my drift!
^^The “closing the doors” remark reminded me of Rachel Green…. “…cause RUMOR has it you shut the drapes!!” — amirite, Lincee?! 🙂
Anyway – Great blog. Always love reading and also sifting through the comments to find friends that I agree with! Haha 🙂
I laughed SO HARD at the tie comment!!
I’m pretty much over this season. I was actually embarrassed I’d told some coworkers I was hoping Kaitlyn would be picked over Britt. Forget that now. She is just classless.
Hang in there Tanya T. We are all in this together.
love that you give Ames updates!
I miss Ames. Don’t you, Rose?
I miss Ames!
Aaww Ames. I miss him too!
Ditto on missing Ames! The opposite of Kaitlyn since he has a lot of class!
I must say, I’m starting to get bored with this season. I love, love, love your recaps though! Truthfully? They’re the only reason I keep watching this trainwreck of a show lol..Kaitlyn is about as trashy as they come, unfortunately.
That said, the chemistry or “lust” (let’s be real, that’s what it is…right on, Ashley S!) she has with Nick is undeniable. She needs to be kind and just let the other guys go if she really is as drawn to him as the show is leading us to believe! Just cut the season short and move on!
Mike Fleiss is loving the Nick thing. That he totally fabricated. As in called him up and paid him money to come on the show.
No way this was just spontaneous. Totally arranged. I feel cheated.
Ashley S. was the best thing about this whole episode. I’m glad that she was acting/edited as a crazy lady last season, because her very commonsensical advice was both exciting to hear come out of her mouth and a breath of fresh air for this season thus far.
I didn’t get to watch the whole Clint thing, but it’s all just so weird. This whole season is weird, anyway. Actually, I read a good comment on Grantland that since the whole 2 bachelorettes premise happened, the men see themselves as being in power, unlike when there is only one bachelorette. Maybe that’s a part of why Clint thought he could do what he could do.
Favorite paragraph (line highlighted): She tells them that it was a tough decision made easier after kissing Nick in the street and it doesn’t take away anything she may or may pretend to have with the other guys. Gosling begins building furniture. Joshua looks for metal he can melt from the flames of one of the candles. Ian tries to work out the logistics of this new development. The Dentist flosses. Metro Ryan and Tanner huddle up to write down how many times Nick ticked off America. Kentucky Joe plays some spoons. ***And Peter calls a family meeting, positioning everyone on the same couch in order of height.***
Great recap/commentary. It makes my Tuesdays!
Thanks Laura Jean! You can’t leave the madness now. You’re too far in to quit!
And I’m too legit to quit.
I am white, from a small town in the midwest, and can’t do any justice to the dance move known as the body roll, but I can rhyme and have rhythm, so I think I could win against all these guys AND Kaitlyn. Maybe?
Anyway, no quitting here! 🙂
Clint was right about the shirt-and-tie combination.
Noted. Thank you Russ.
That’s it. I am officially done watching this show. From now on, I am just heading right over hear to read Lincee’s recaps. They are awesome to the Nth degree. Somehow you are making an abysmal season so much more bearable! Thanks!
Don’t leave us ricki! You can do it! Power through the pain!
“Joshua looks for metal he can melt from the flames of one of the candles.”
“Or for Harrison to pull JJ aside to tell him Clint was actually his brother and he suddenly needs a kidney.”
I just discovered this blog and omfg I love you.
Well I love you too Eleanora! Welcome!
“He makes his way over to a nearby railing, pulls a Mesnick”. Brilliant.
I’ll keep watching – but only because of you Lincee. This season is worse than Juan Probablyno. Blech.
The Mesnick will never die. And I love that about you people. LOVE IT.
I’ll join the chorus – really disappointed in Kaitlyn. I’m realizing she’s not a particularly nice person and I’m said about that. Creepy creepy the way she bashes the boys publicly, and Nick just seems like he needs a wash. Ick.
I agree that openness and honest are important, but come on Kaitlyn! Manners! Thanks for the comment Kris.
I agree that Kaitlyn’s public ridicule is inappropriate and belittling. Probably not the best way to speak to a potential husband.
I can never really get into the Bachelorette b/c I think it is boring in general. But I love your recaps, Lincee. And these were my favorite lines this week:
Something tells me the guys wearing neck scarves and mondo amounts of hair gel are not going to be able to lose themselves in the music. Or the moment.
After pulling away, she sees Nick and she begins to giggle like a school girl who got a sex education lesson from some random dudes on a reality show.
Gosling begins building furniture. Joshua looks for metal he can melt from the flames of one of the candles. Ian tries to work out the logistics of this new development. The Dentist flosses. Metro Ryan and Tanner huddle up to write down how many times Nick ticked off America. Kentucky Joe plays some spoons. And Peter calls a family meeting, positioning everyone on the same couch in order of height.
Kentucky Joe: Do they really perform this show eight nights a week?
Lincee: Yes. New York City is a magical place, with one extra day in his calendar week. Check the time. It’s already tomorrow!
Thank you jL. I appreciate your favs. Those were some of mine too!