The Final Rose

Let’s face it. Were we really surprised that he picked Nashville? Let the record show that I never wavered. I did not get sucked in to the magic of ABC editing and believe that he was going to pick Mowana. Therefore, I must rule all.

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER

The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. If this e-mail circulates to friends, family, enemies…that is your business. However, if you or someone in your address book happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying tofu or have a nail technician that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the
show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

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ABC decides to stretch one hour of juicy material into two hours of torturous, uncomfortable, “bless his heart” moments of McHottie trying to make out Nashville as if they were not first cousins. There was one “kissing” shot where they ALMOST kept the little chunks of last night’s fajitas (thank you Jill) from rising in my throat. You remember it, right? The one ABC insisted on playing OVER and OVER and OVER again because they had nothing else to prove these two kids were in love? Luckily, I had a margarita (thank you Bob) to wash down my dinner…and keep my food in my stomach where it belonged. (Forgot to take my bucket to the watching party.)

We begin the end of this journey with McHottie’s parents (he insists on continuously calling them Roger and Donna), sister, brother-in-law and two nieces arriving at the castle in Paris. They’ve come over to check out the girls and help McHottie decide who to pick.

Roger and Donna are normal parents. They are concerned for their son. They’ve watched him go through high school, college, medical school, etc. and want him to find his one true love. According to Roge, finding his soul mate is the most important decision he will ever make. McHottie tells Roger and Donna that they will tour Paris while the rest of them go to a McDonald’s playground to meet Nashville.

We find Nashville at a small table with colors and markers, doodling Mrs. Nashville McHottie in pink with hearts surrounding. She meets the family, connects with the girls immediately and is whisked away by the sister. They have a deep conversation. Nashville says that her brother is hot. Sister thinks Nashville is a sweetheart.

And for some reason, Nashville forgets that she’s already made a fool of herself once before and decides to do the “Ah Tootie Tah” dance with the nieces. She’s a kindergarten teacher. Surely…SURELY she has more tricks than the Ah Tootie Tah dance!

Fortunately, one niece thinks she is cool and tells the ABC camera that she likes Nashville’s voice.

Meanwhile, we find McHottie in the pit of colored balls with his sister drinking beer. If I had a quarter for every time I wished I could drink beer in a ball pit with my sister…I’d be a rich woman.

McHottie gives Nashville a few straight lipped pecks and we are off to meet Roger and Donna.

Roger is a simple man. Roger doesn’t watch The Bachelor like we do. He has confused it with Survivor and asks his son if the woman wins a million dollars if picked. This is when I fell in love with Roge. What a guy!

Donna is a simple woman. She wants her family to be happy. And when she hears that they may be happy, Donna cries. And when Donna cries…the sister cries. And since this whole scenario is a chance for two girls talk lovingly about how much they are smitten kittens with Donna’s son…there was a lot of crying at dinner, before dinner, after dinner, etc.

Roger and Donna take Nashville into another room and ask about McHottie meeting her parents. Nashville was an emotional train wreck and nervously laughed the entire time. Then Donna started crying.

They return to the dinner table and McHottie talks about how he just wants to go home. And then Donna and the sister start crying.

I look around at the group. Did we miss something? Why are they crying? I don’t get it?

McHottie walks Nashville out to her car, kisses her like he’s a dead fish, and returns inside to dish. Roger thinks she has great goals and is wonderful. Donna cries. Sister cries. Brother-in-law says that it will be hard to meet Mowana and not think about Nashville.

McHottie becomes VERY defensive at this statement and pleads with Roger and Donna to keep an open mind. He says that Mowana is slightly different that Nashville.

Slightly different? I ask as I raise one eyebrow…

Next up is Mowana. Oh Mowana. There she is reading poetry so she can recite random romantic catch phrases to Donna and Roge.

Picture it. We’re at a zoo. Mo tells the sister that she is pushing the end of a long journey (blah) and that she draws a level of comfort (vomit) from McHottie. Sister starts crying. Mo says that France was a turning point in her life (give me a break) and that she found a major part of herself in McHottie (please) and they both are handed Kleenex from the intern.

The brother-in-law asks if she is tied to the OC. She says no and he encourages her to move to Fort Worth. Because there are so many mountains there…

Meanwhile, the ABC intern has the niece over in a corner and demands that she draws pictures of both Nashville and Mo. He promises her a My Little Pony and sack full of gummy bears if she draws hearts and an arrow pointing to Mo.

McHottie takes his bro-in-law aside and asks what he thinks Donna and Roger will think of Mo. Bro-in-law says both ladies are smart, good-looking and warm.

McHottie meets up with Mo, hugs her goodbye and she gives him a flirtatious wink before leaving.

Later, McHottie prepares Donna and Roger for Mo’s visit. He wants them to be honest but open minded. Donna looks bored.

Mo arrives with the famous hump in her pony tail. She double talks through a ton of questions from Donna and Roger. For instance:

“What do you like about our son?”
Mo: Something reached out to me and touched me.

“How was the home town date with your parents?”
Mo: I value their opinion.

“How did you feel about Travis on your dates?”
Mo: I felt nothing on the first date. The second date, there was a self discovery.

“What do you like about Travis?”
Mo: It’s not my character to answer that question.

Seriously. What a wank! It is at this point that our watching party starts yelling at the TV. It was great. We kept waiting for her to speak. Nothing. SILENCE. I literally had a conversation with Rebecca, who was sitting next to me, that lasted I’m sure five minutes. Mo sits with a smug look on her face…determined not to break. Finally, she gives a token Walt Whitman answer and states, “I never encountered another person who has looked at me…known nothing about me…and found myself.”

Roger and I aren’t buying it. Sister and Donna may be crying, but Roger and I need more answers.

They take Mo to the isolation room and ask…AGAIN…what do you like about our son.

Irritatingly, she answers…”Lots of things” with an annoying smile.

Roge doesn’t back down. “I have a hard time understanding what you like about Travis.”

Mo detects frustration in Roger’s voice and decides now is the time to break out the Academy Award winning soliloquy that she has been practicing for weeks.

ABC starts the dramatic music. ABC intern is at the light switch ready to fade on cue. Mo begins:

“I am a human being. When I look into McHottie’s eyes, I see my soul looking back…and it ROCKS me to my core. I’m a solid person. I can’t explain my feelings. They are too pure to understand. Where it goes from here is out of my hands.”

And here come the water works from Donna. Mo is so DEEP. She is so IN LOVE. She’s not crazy at ALL!

Poor Sister. She is crying too. But her tears are tears of frustration. She LOVES Mo. But there is no connection there.

McHottie is concerned. Sister and Roger aren’t buying it. He feels they didn’t see the fun-loving Mo. The Mo that jumps off boats and rides jet skis fast. The Mo that surfs and wins bike races. She gave me her heart and soul…

SHOPPING
This was pretty boring if you ask me. The Moms came to shop for Final Rose dresses and wedding rings. The funniest part was Nashville’s Mom reading off of cue cards and how she told her daughter that her dress wasn’t too sparkly.

Tennis with Nashville
Nashville’s last date is involves getting her butt handed to her on the tennis court. We all agreed that she looked cute in her little skirt. Good thing she remembered to bring that to Paris.

She gets takeout for McHottie and they eat on fluffy pillows on the floor. Anyone notice the recycled chinchilla from dates before? I did.

Nashville tells McHottie that if she had a list of qualities she wanted in a boyfriend, he would be it. He looks down. She says she is glad that he is here. McHottie continues to look down and says, “thank you.”

It is at this point that my fellow viewers began to waver. HE’S LOOKING DOWN! HE DIDN’T SAY HE WAS HAPPY TO BE THERE TOO! HE LOOKS HURT!

Nashville presses on. McHottie is obviously trying to nap, and she is talking up a storm.

“Do you know how much I like you?”
McHottie answers with a head nod.

“Because I don’t want you to leave if you don’t know.”
McHottie treats her like a four-year-old and whispers for her to just enjoy the moment.

“I don’t want you to leave…”
McHottie interrupts her thought process with his signature finger over the lips move that he demonstrated on Stoner Sarah. Then he pulls a “Mowana” and says, “It’s not about that. It’s about this.”

Brilliant. I’m using that one.

Cooking with Mowana
Mowana finds solitude in cooking. She loves to cook. She cooked in the house. McHottie remembers this and decides to open up a huge can of worms and ask her about the house. This concerns him. In fact…he is perplexed.

“Why did they hate you?” he asks as he stirs his tea with a nine-inch butcher knife.

Mo is smart. She’s manipulative. She decides to turn on herself and valiantly take the blame: “I was shocked that I saw my soul in you. I didn’t have any expectations. I was just along for the adventure and free trip to Paris. Unfortunately, I found myself here…in your guts…and am looking to see where this journey takes us.”

Signature wink.

They eat dinner. She spouts out another homily of the wonder that is McHottie:
1. There’s nowhere I’d rather be.
2. I know who you are.
3. I now know why I came here…you
4. You gave me a piece of myself, therefore I will be content
5. I want you
6. I don’t need but would like to be in your life
7. You get me and understand who I am
8. Glad I got to share this with you

Now that’s a recipe for some serious attraction ladies and gentleman. Fatal attraction.

Rose Ceremony

The day has come. McHottie is staring at pictures of the final two girls sitting next to a Zeus statue on a mantle. Both girls are journaling. Very Bachelor to journal I’ve learned. McHottie picks out a ring. The girls get hair and makeup done. Mo does some neck massages in the limo. She steps out of the car and flashes her right boob to all of America. Chris Harrison tries not to laugh.

She enters the room. McHottie is scared for his life. All sharp objects have been put away and the candles have been extinguished. He tells Mo that he was intrigued by her mystery, many layers and amazing connection.

At this point we are waiting for the “but”…

And there it is.

He tells her he has to follow his heart, tries to hug her with her hands behind her own back and whispers that he is sorry for rejecting her soul.

And this is where it gets good. You know you were excited to hear what psycho had to say!

Mowana thinks she may pass out from the pain. She is emotionally devastated. She thought is was a joke. She starts to hyperventilate. She chokes out something about being vulnerable and feeling like a fool and that her Magic 8 Ball had been dead wrong! The ABC intern starts to hand her a paper bag, but the ABC psychotherapist yanks it away and forces Mowana to continue with the breakdown. GUYS LIKE THAT DON’T MARRY GIRLS LIKE ME Mowana shouts. OH THE PAIN!

Great TV. Two thumbs up. Worth the two hour wait.

Then we have to sit through McHottie choosing Nashville. He tried to fake us out with a dramatic pause. I didn’t buy it. He gives her a lame engagement ring on a necklace and says it symbolizes connection. How appropriate that we end the night with our favorite word. They peck kiss. He picks her up and says he’s lucky.

All in all, it was a pretty decent year. Do I think they will last? I’m going with no. But I’ll be happy if they prove me wrong.

It’s been an amazing couple of weeks and I truly thank you all for reading the recap. I continue to be amazed at all of the encouragement written on the message board. I had a fun time writing it and I hope you enjoyed reading it. Here’s looking forward to another season of Bachelor bliss in the near future!

Until then…

All about the shame, not the fame,

Lincee