They’re coming to take me away…

I’m going on day six with no sleep.

And I’m about to lose my mind.

It started last week when I was in Oklahoma, where the winds literally come sweeping down the plains.  First, I’ve never been one to rest well when in a foreign country and two, I never EVER sleep well when I have to get up early to catch a plane.  The night is consumed by me flailing about in the covers, checking the clock, convinced that I’ve somehow missed my flight only to realize that it’s 12:57 and I have four hours of precious sleep left in the night.

When I returned home, the sleepless nights continued:

I’ve been experiencing a varied version of the same recurring dream since October. I won’t get into the dreary details, but let’s just say the past came back to visit me subconsciously and left yucky feelings in its wake.

After seeing The Adjustment Bureau, I woke up all night long thinking there was a creepy guy in a fedora staring from the end of my bed trying to amend my life and get me back on the chairman’s path.

A beef enchilada came back to wreak havoc in the wee hours of the morning.

Insomnia sucks. Especially when my upstairs neighbors, whom I like to call the Fockers, decide to get busy with only a thin ceiling separating me and them. Note to self: Buy the Fockers some WD-40 for their squeaky bed.

Exhausted, I had high hopes that this would be the night I would sleep soundly. Deciding to forgo the Tylenol PM for a quick cocktail, I went to bed at about 11:00 p.m. At approximately 3:14, I am awakened by a weird noise. It sounds like beeping, but not really. Assuming that my smoke alarm batteries are dying, I make my sleepy way to the den to check the apparatus. I follow the irritating noise back to my bedroom, checking my phone to make sure I hadn’t accidentally changed my alarm when I meant to surf the Internet for photos reviews of Bradley Cooper’s new movie.

And that’s when I figured it out. It was a bird. Chirping. Constantly chirping. Outside of my window.

What kind of devil bird chirps at night?

I banged my fist on the window and then went back to bed. The next day, I went to Bed Bath & Beyond and purchased one of those white noise makers. More so for the Fockers…

or so I thought.

By the time I returned home from the Houston Rodeo (with Zac Brown still ringing in my ears) it was about 11:00 and I was dead tired. I barely took my boots off before laying my sweet head on my awesome pillow.

Several hours later, my alarm randomly goes off.

Or does it?

You’ve GOT to be kidding me if the devil bird is not back at my window chirping. Constant chirping. Chirp. Chirp. Chirp. I walk to the window and bang. Then the devil bird starts laughing at me. Truly.

Not willing to enjoy one of nature’s most talented singers in the middle of the night, I remember the sound machine purchased less than 24-hours ago. Of course, it was in my car. Forgetting to put on pants, I slide on some flip flops and head out to my car, shaking my fist at the tree inhabiting the devil bird. I give the neighbors a good show, return to the privacy of my own home and realize that the stupid Dream Machine needs four batteries. Pilfering the remote control, I could only scrounge up two.

Meanwhile, the chirping continues in heinous mockery.

Being in the oil and gas business, not only do I own five different hard hats, but I typically laugh at the rate those squishy ear plugs multiply in my drawers, pockets and bags. Could I find one, let alone two at 4:00 in the morning? No. Not one single ear plug. Sure I could play some music, but with my weird brain, I’d end up singing the songs all night long instead of being soothingly put to sleep. The same goes for TV. Even when I moved to the den, I still heard the chirping. I opted for turning the ceiling fan on high and shoving Q-tips in my ears.

Did you ever see that movie Failure to Launch? The one with Matthew McConaughey, my beloved Bradley (both future Hall of Famers by the way) and Carrie Bradshaw? Carrie’s roommate Zooey Deschanel’s character has an issue with a night-chirping bird the entire movie. Just like me.

Let me tell you dear reader. I can relate. Oh how I can relate.

In the end, I got up before the sun, slammed my window one last time for good measure and went to the bathroom to wash my face.

Low and behold if I didn’t hear chirping out THAT window too. Oh yes. The devil bird is now following me to different windows. This is not a coincidence. I am NOT going crazy. The idea of purchasing an official Red Ryder carbine-action two-hundred-shot range model air rifle is almost plausible at this point.

Loving most of God’s creatures, I have decided to purchase batteries for my Dream Weaver instead. And I bought that book “To Kill A Mockingbird.”

It’s good to be prepared for all scenarios.

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March 18, 2011 5:13 pm

So sorry Lincee! Hope you get some sleep soon! Go the Tylenol PM route. I bet that will help a lot.

Also, try one of those Super Soaker water guns on the demon bird. In the house I grew up in, we would have mocking birds that would come around in Spring/Summer and sit on the fence right outside my bedroom window in the early morning hours. The Super Soaker was great because the water can go through the screen, hit the bird at a great distance, and it doesn’t hurt the bird. Maybe that will teach the demon bird to mess with you! 🙂

Natty from Oz
Natty from Oz
March 18, 2011 5:37 pm

Oh how I can relate to your pain!!! Several years ago we had a bird who used to screech like clock work at 2am…we tried EVERYTHING to get rid of it…including the supersoaker and nothing moved it…finally WE moved lol
Now I have flocks of Sulphur Crested Cocktoos squarking at the dawn’s early light…but I should be up by then anyway lol

Hope you resolve the problem!!

PS I don’t think Harper Lee’s going to be any help lol

March 18, 2011 6:03 pm

Aaaaawwww the bird just REALLY likes you!

I’m laughing because my “alarm” is a birdsong CD… but yeah when they get going at night it’s annoying! (Sign of Spring though, does that help?!?!) 🙂

March 18, 2011 7:34 pm

Thanks for making me laugh today, Lincee! I’m sorry it was a laugh at your expense, but I’ll take my laughs whereever I can get them 😀

Bummer about your sleep issues. I absolutely can’t make the ZZZZZs come without my table fan…I just can’t do it. Hope the Dream Weaver works its magic on you tonight!

PS–Did you ever see the “Friends” episode where Phoebe and her cop boyfriend can’t sleep because of a chirping bird? Look it up if you want a chuckle 🙂


March 18, 2011 7:37 pm

where is that neighbor’s cat when you need it? if you are lucky, maybe your night stalker bird will end up on your doorstep one morning…sooner, rather than later!

Lee Ann
Lee Ann
March 18, 2011 9:54 pm

Lincee–Get some of those noise bombs like they had on campus. Those worked GREAT with the grackels. (yeah, right. ) on second thought–we live in Texas. Just shoot the bird and get some sleep. 🙂

March 18, 2011 9:56 pm

hilarious. YOU must try the squishy plugs. I have been using them since college–i get a great night’s sleeep with them and a cocktail or two–just kiddin’ . But I do use Ambien. e

March 18, 2011 10:17 pm

One word…Ambien. Go to your doctor ASAP! I have bouts of insomnia and nothing else works. Don’t tell doctor about the addiction to Dr Pepper! He/She will say no more!!

March 19, 2011 12:42 am

Lincee, I live in CA, near Santa Monica. I too have a devil bird. He usually doesn’t start up until late spring. I’ve lived in my house for 11 years. And… for the past 5 AT LEAST, he comes and hides in the bushes outside my bedroom window and wakes me up every night for at least a month. Then… miraculously… he’s gone for another year. I feel your pain, sister.

March 19, 2011 9:02 am

Xanax and a glass of wine. That’s what I take on airplanes….

March 19, 2011 9:06 am

Delightfully funny. And miserable. For you. But I can relate. No, not to birds chirping outside my window. Sleep deprivation. I’m high maintenance sleeper. It’s not enough that we have a sound machine in our bedroom. The sound of rain must play day and night ’round the clock. That way when night comes we aren’t thrown off by a sudden rain.
Then there’s the eye masks. Lots of them. Always. Every night, an eye mask. On days when I’m hanging at home, NannySitting or cleaning or just hanging–I sometimes forget my “Super Hero” mask that is slid up on my forehead. Insert helmet hair here.* Ear plugs. Lots of them. Back-ups are a must! Then there are the pillows. Knee pillow, head pillow, boob pillow (no, I’m not kidding) and sometimes body pillow that really freaks hubby out. But before all of this there’s Benadryl. Nightly.
For the most part, this works. {Add 1/2 Xanax if, ahem, your hubby just so happens to take them, when needed.} It still doesn’t stop me from jumping out of my skin when four-year-old comes to room in middle of night with face smashed toward mine. Nothing like a sudden jolt by a kid breathing in your face.
I’m tired and cranky now. 😉
One more thing… basket on night stand houses muscle cream(s) to sooth tired, achy muscles and stress lotion. Use both as needed. Repeat.
Oh, get the gun just in case.

old fan
old fan
March 19, 2011 4:47 pm

tylenol pm gives me 4 hrs. Tried Nyquil the other night when I felt a cold coming on and had SEVEN hours! Is Nyquil addictive? 🙂

March 19, 2011 7:30 pm

Sleepytime Tea, Tension Tamer Tea or Valerian are natural alternatives that don’t give you the Benadryl “hangover”. Don’t usually have trouble sleeping but the Valerian helps when I do. It is good for people who fall asleep but then wake up and can’t get back to sleep.

March 19, 2011 8:00 pm

My hubby, God love him, is a snorer. A substantial one. So I sleep with the squishy earplugs in my ears every night. Buy them by the 40-pack at the Walmart. Oh year, I also run two fans and put a pillow over my head.

March 19, 2011 9:23 pm

I was at the Rodeo that night too! Did you see the Amazing Race cowboys? Thought of you when I saw them (remembered your blog when you met them) :).

Hope you sleep well tonight!

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