Buenos días Bachelor fans! Week five finds us in beautiful Puerto Rico where Groban is going above and beyond to prove that he is ready to find love while wearing only henley shirts from the dull side of the color wheel. In this episode, we were reminded that black underwear shows through white linen pants, all life’s goals can be accomplished by the age of 24 and contrary to popular belief…there IS crying in baseball. Let’s get started!

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you poked on Facebook happens to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the niece/former classmate of someone who is obsessed with the Hunger Games trilogy and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

As Groban enjoys a leisurely jaunt on his private jet, brushing his bangs out of his eyes so he can better appreciate the luscious landscape below, the girls are holding on to their brightly colored sports bras and matching tank tops as their dinghy boat crashes into the surf to dump them off at the beach of their new crib undoubtedly fully furnished by the good folks at IKEA. If it wasn’t made of plastic, it was a wicker futon. They adjust the elastic waist bands of their yoga pants and all pile into the living area in anticipation of Our Host Chris Harrison’s weekly run down of dating rules.

Harrison does a great job of not being distracted by Courtney’s “BE NICE” t-shirt and begins to talk about one-one-one dates and suitcase packing and making the most of one’s time and WHAT IN THE WORLD?!?! IS THAT A RING ON CHRIS HARRISON’S INDEX FINGER? YOU’VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME! IS THIS A JOKE? WHAT IS GOING ON? I DON’T UNDERSTAND!

Had the ring been positioned on the pinkie finger, I wouldn’t have given it a second thought, assuming Harrison makes people like the ABC intern, Roz Pappas or Wes Hayden kiss it when he enters a room, but this is bizarre. Upon further scrutiny, it is unanimously decided by my watching party that Our Host is using the jewelry as a reminding device. Harrison wouldn’t be caught dead with a piece of yarn listlessly hanging from his pointing finger. Yes. That’s it. It’s definitely 24-carats worth of gold to help fend off forgetfulness.

After Harrison drops the date card on the table, Jaime hops up to read its contents. Through this 30-second exchange, it is revealed that Jaime isn’t mute at all, Emily can speak Spanish and Courtney hates everyone.

First One-On-One Date
Nicki

Nicki hears her name and screams bloody murder with excitement. Blakeley, Elyse and Other Casey’s moods deflate at the sound of her name but their boobs stay perky. Jaime struggles to read the cryptic message that traditionally accompanies all date cards:

Jaime: “Encontramous un nuevo amor en el viejo San Juan!”
Nicki: “This is like so cool! I wonder what I won?! I’m so, like, excited.”

Emily: “You didn’t win anything Einstein. She said San Juan. Aren’t you from Texas? Shouldn’t you know Spanish by now? You’re 26-years-old…”
Nicki: “I was like totally busy getting married at a young age and then like totally divorcing and then like totally healing enough to be ready for this journey I’m like totally about to be on. Do you speak Spanish? What did I win?!”

Emily: “I’m surrounded by idiots. The card says, ‘Let’s find a new love in old San Juan.’”
Nicki: “O.M.G. Is San Juan near the beach? I have a super cute bikini cover up that I like totally want to wear.”

Emily: “You are in San Juan right now. In Puerto Rico. It’s an island. You are literally surrounded by water. If you look out that window, you can see the ocean. Do you even know which ocean that is? Someone please pass me the Tylenol.”

Nicki changes into her toga-inspired bikini cover-up and wears it as a dress for her date. It features her two favorite colors: short and tight. Groban meanders onto the lawn where the 10 remaining ladies are sunbathing to fetch his Grecian goddess. Either the Puerto Rican climate has tamed our Bachelor’s crazy locks, or Harrison was able to talk him into a trim. It was at least one step away from frat boy tussled but still in the mature Bieber phase. What’s more important is that he was wearing a coral colored t-shirt! Sure his cargo shorts were grey but each small step is a victory!

Groban and Nicki hop into a helicopter and immediately exert the appropriate amount of “first date in a chopper affection” that was mysteriously absent from Rachel’s date. Groban offers the window seat to the lady, there were a couple of knee squeezes and hand holding the entire time, in which the camera man was able to get some nice close up shots of Nicki’s yellow fingernail polish.

Reaction:
A. I haven’t worn yellow fingernail polish since the sixth grade.
B. Mama made me take it off because it made my hands look “jaundicey” and I haven’t worn it since.

Groban believes that wandering around San Juan will help him detect if there is any chemistry whatsoever with Nicki. Their first order of business is securing a Puerto Rican snow cone which looked way more phallic than cone-ish. Groban bumbled through his best Spanish phrases, mistakenly asking for the bathroom. Where’s Emily when you need her? And I’m convinced the snow ball merchant poured tequila on the naughty frozen treat just to mess with them. That prank has Harrison written all over it. Surely, that’s what the solid gold index reminder was for! [Remember to pay the snow cone guy to mold the snow ball into a penis shape and pour generous amounts Jose Cuervo on top.] Someone besides Courtney has to keep us interested in this show.

Within minutes, both Groban and Nicki were acting curiously loopy. To make matters worse, it starts to rain. Groban grabs her hand, encouraging her to run with him to get out of the torrential downpour. Nicki has a hard time holding on to her delicious snow cone while teetering through the cobblestone streets in her wedges while trying to keep her tie-dyed “dress” from riding up her butt. They ditch the X-rated snow cones, take off their shoes and run through the streets of San Juan bare foot until they find sanctuary in a doorway where they make out.

Groban: “It’s raining gatos!”
Nicki: “I don’t speak Puerto Rican!”

The audience will never know why it was only raining cats instead of cats and dogs. The point is that the two were soaked to the bone and Groban’s hair never looked better. One can only assume that Mother Nature was horrified by Nicki’s dress and she unleashed all her powers on the entire country so Groban had no other choice but to stop at a local shop for them to change into dry clothes. I bet Mother Nature’s head was shaking in disbelief when Nicki decided to tie a table cloth around her neck and call it a dress and Ben showed up wearing white linen from head to toe, including a fedora. Say hola to Mr. Latin Swagger himself. Pay no attention to his black boxer briefs under the sweet white linen slacks. Olé!

Groban does his best to channel his inner Benicio del Torro but it came across more Erik Estrada without the cool aviator sunglasses or motorcycle. Nicki didn’t seem to mind. She was too busy wishing for a sign that this was true love.

And then they happen upon a fancy wedding.

Nicki: “This is soooooo surreal.”
Groban: “I know. I sort of feel weird without my grey cargos.”

Nicki: “No. I mean watching this wedding. It reminds me of my failed marriage and how I had hopes and dreams and totally want those again and the only way to make sure that I live happily ever after is to live with the guy before I marry him.”
Groban: “I feel like you would be easy to travel with. Do I look like Panama Jack in this hat?”

Nicki: “I thought we were in Puerto Rico. I’m so confused. It’s surreal.”
Groban: “It is a lot to handle.”

Later that night, they have dinner by the beach. Nicki is wearing a very tight strapless turquoise dress. Groban is back to his roots in grey pants, white shirt and suspenders that hang down. His hair is extra poofy. They talk about Nicki’s marriage, what went wrong and her feelings. Although I didn’t see any spark, he gives her the date rose.

GROUP DATE
“Diamonds are a Girl’s Best Friend”
Lindzi
Courtney
Jennifer
Kasie B.
Emily
Rachel
Other Casey
Mute Jamie
Jugs McGee

Let the record show it has been confirmed that Jugs’ necklace did not say “Todd” but the more reality show appropriate “Foxy.” And Foxy is really irritated that Elyse has landed the final one-on-one date and she is stuck with a bunch of girls on a lame group date again. Her only saving grace is that she will hopefully get a nice tennis bracelet or a pair of earrings out of the deal.

Wrong.

Clad in their brightly colored sports bras and tanks, the girls spot our Bachelor in, you guessed it, a grey henley and white shorts tossing a baseball in front of Roberto Clemente Baseball Stadium.

Roberto?! Baseball?! Could it be?!

That’s what I’m talking about ABC! It’s time to light this fire with something en fuego! Let’s shake up this sleepy episode with something other than Courtney’s negative attitude and side boob shots.

Alas, Roberto Clemente was a famous Puerto Rican baseball player in the 50s and 60s. I’m sure my Roberto is somewhere on the island contemplating an index finger ring as he drinks rum with Harrison on the beach. Such a wasted opportunity.

The ladies lunge, squat and run drills with the Gigantes, Puerto Rico’s local baseball team. Several of the players try to get Groban to cut his hair so he can properly field a ball or have a shot at catching a flyaway. He laughs with Latin swagger and asks Mute Jaime for a bobby pin.

Then Harrison appears out of right field and my En Fuego Roberto dreams are reignited. I was only moderately disappointed when he arrived solo…it IS Harrison after all. And he was carrying a megaphone. This made me giddy enough to shout from my assigned seat on the red and white gingham ottoman, “HARRISON’S CARRYING A MEGAPHONE! HARRISON’S CARRYING A MEGAPHONE!”

So help me if he puts on a baseball uniform and picks up a bat…

OHCH: “Get ready ladies. We are going to split you into two teams and you are going to play an entire nine innings of baseball. The winning team is going to go on a romantic beach party date with Groban. The losers will go back to the villa. Since there are 11 of you, we’re going to put our Bachelor on the spot and make him choose the one VIP who will get to go on the beach date no matter what. She will be on both teams, Groban will pitch and I’m going back to my Cuba libre where I belong.”

Groban chooses Lindzi to be his VIP. Courtney and Jugs are selected as team captains. Mute Jaime and Rachel were the last two picked. On a positive note, they would have been the first called for a game of Red Rover.

ABC hooks the girls up with some teeny tiny shorts, knee socks and traditional baseball long sleeved t-shirts. Someone breaks out the liquid liner and the teams begin a makeshift eye black assembly line. Jugs hoists up her shirt and knots it just under her jugs.

Let’s play ball!

I was surprised how many connections the girls made to the ball! Before we knew it, the red team had scored five runs in the first inning. Sure Groban was high arch lobbing the ball over the plate at the reckless speed of one mile per hour, but still…there was a ton of contact.

Jugs is positioned at second base, catching balls left and right. She often chest bumps Emily after each out. It felt like two hard orange slamming up against her sternum. No one can say that Jugs isn’t competitive. She wanted the win and she wanted it BAD.

Courtney: “Jugs is a champion. Who knew strippers could play baseball?”

I KNEW IT!

With mediocre athletic talent and a wine man commanding the pitcher’s mound, the statistics are pretty even. Blue gets a run. Red responds with two. Blue takes the lead again. Red counters. Three up. Three down. We are in extra innings.

Kasie B. rides the adrenaline rush that has only overpowered her once before on the 50-yard-line at Homecoming halftime when she twirled not one but two flaming batons. She hunkers down, pounds her glove with her fist and shouts a dainty Southern battle cry to her fellow red teammates, “COME ON B!TCHE$! LET’S GO!”

Easy, hoss. I understand that profanity is a common occurrence among those who hurl the pearl, but you need to calm down. I think someone is over tired and is in desperate need of some rest.

With the score tied, Jennifer is up to bat. If she scores, the blue team wins. If she doesn’t they will be forced to line up and hap heartedly murmur, “goodgamegoodgamegoodgamegoodgame” as they slap the hands of the victorious red team.

There’s the wind up…the pitch…STRIKE ONE!
Groban gives the next one a ton of air…FOUL!
He purposely sends the next ball two feet from the plate…BALL!
And in the next pitch, Jennifer reaches…SWING AND A MISS!

The red team basks in their victory. The blue team pouts in the dugout as Jugs McGee lectures them, blaming the entire group for not wanting it as bad as she did. Tom Hanks is notified when Jennifer begins to sob in response to the guilt she feels for losing the beach date for her fellow Blues.

Jugs: “This just SUCKS. I thought you guys wanted this just as bad as I did. What is that noise? A helicopter? Are you BLEEPING kidding me? If that helicopter lands on this field and picks those BLEEPS up, I’m going to punch someone.”
Emily: “Here. Punch this.”

She shoves sweet Jennifer in Jugs’ face.

The blue team trudges back to their school bus as the red team waves goodbyes from the helicopter.

The red team changes into their most revealing sun dresses and joins Groban on the beach. Lindzi is normal. Courtney is complaining. Other Casey is smiling. Mute Jaime is mostly absent. And Kasie B. uses her one-on-one time to ask Groban about his past relationship. He grabs the rose, pulls her away to a nearby staircase and thanks her for allowing him to open up and actually listening before giving her the rose.

Traditionally at this point, Groban would give a final toast and everyone would retire to their respective villas. Not so. After reminding the audience that Kasie B. is only 24-years-old and has zero life experiences other than baton twirling, 28-year-old Courtney asks for some one-on-one time with Groban. She uses her time wisely by wedging her body up next to his and reprimanding him between kisses that she’s losing sight of the sweet moments they used to have.

Courtney: “I just think it would be nice to have some alone time. Maybe we could have some fun and go skinny dipping. That’s something we could orchestrate, right?”
Groban: “Wow. Where do I begin? I have no doubt that it would be fun.”

However long later, they return to the cold stares of four very bored girls sitting around a camp fire. Game on. Or game over? The real question is…who cares?

Second One-On-One Date
Elyse
“Let’s Find Love Somewhere Private”

Elyse tells us that she is nervous, anxious and excited about her first one-on-one date with Groban and really wants to make a good first impression. She does this by wearing her best cougar print bikini over a bright orange off-the-shoulder mini dress with huge gold hoop earrings and enough makeup to seal the annoying pot hole in my driveway. It’s like she was steeped in Jersey Shore.

Groban picks her up and takes her down to the water’s edge where they will enjoy a day on a pimped out yacht. He’s wearing a shirt in the pea green family. It feels like eons ago when he busted out the coral.

Groban: “How are things Elyse?”
Elyse: “Things are good. I like being here. I might be young, but I don’t think that matters. I’ve done everything in life I want to do!”

Groban [hesitant]: “You’ve done everything in life that you want to do?”
Elyse: “Toats. I got a degree. I got my masters. I live on my own. Gym. Laundry. Tanning bed. Once I pay off my college loans, I’m golden! I gave up A LOT to be here. I quit my job. I missed my BFFs wedding. I’ve sacrificed a lot and can’t wait for my reward!”

Groban: “Let’s jump off the yacht over and over again so we don’t have to talk any more.”
Elyse: “Cool.”

Later that night, Groban in a high water tuxedo built for cater waiter escorts Elyse in her signature one-shoulder tight white dress to a table set for a romantic candle lit dinner.

Elyse: “I’m so happy to be on this date with you. It’s so romantic. You know you can ask me anything. I’m an open book.”
Groban: “Okay. When you said you had accomplished everything you wanted to accomplish, I was a little concerned. Can you explain more about that?”

Elyse: “Absolutely. All I meant was that I have done everything as a single person that I wanted to do. I’m 24-years-old and sick of being single. I want to do everything with someone I love now!”
Groban: “So you’re here because you don’t want to be single?”

Elyse: “No, no. I’m just saying that I’m here because I want to be married. It’s so annoying that the other girls keep getting roses. But I wouldn’t be here if I wasn’t looking for love.”
Groban: “You have yet to mention me in your big finding love plan.”

I’ll take ZERO RADAR for $200 Alex.

Groban realizes that he and Elyse are going nowhere fast. He picks up the rose and twirls it around in his fingers as he explains to Elyse that other relationships have moved on beyond anywhere he and Elyse could ever dream of going. He refuses her the rose and escorts her to the water’s edge and watches as she sloshes through the surf, hoists herself into the exact same rejection dinghy as Groban took when he was discarded by Ashley. Now isn’t that ironic.

The crying and wiping of mascara goes on for days as David Gray pleads in the background. Meanwhile, the ladies are shocked at the complete stranger’s sudden arrival and gathering of Elyse’s purple belongings. An array of “SHUT UP” and “GET OUT” and the ever enchanting “That just blew my panties off” by the Model rang throughout the living room.

Courtney: “I’m glad he sent her home. That means he’s not falling for everyone. I’m going to make good on my promise and do something that rejuvenates him. I wonder if he’s ever skinny dipped with a model?”

Just as we come to the conclusion that Groban will more than likely Charlie Brown walk all the way back to his villa before inevitably giving Courtney the rose after their pending skinny dipping rendezvous so he can check that box off his leap list …

…he surprises us by tossing it into the water before Charlie Brown walking all the way back to his villa where Courtney is waiting for him to make good on their skinny dipping rendezvous.

Courtney: “You look like you need a night cap.”
Groban: “You want to come in?”

Courtney: “Sure. You look like you’ve had a rough day. Should I draw you a hot bath? I’ve got lotion in my pocket if you need a neck massage. I’ve got red, I’ve got green, I’ve got yellow… I’m out of purple, but I do have one Gold Circle coin left… the condom of champions… the one and only… nothin’ is gettin’ through this sucker. Whaddya say?”
Groban: “I didn’t know you would keep your promise so soon.”

Courtney leads Groban to the beach, prompting him that you are only in Puerto Rico once. Except for her. She was there two months ago. And as an experienced world traveler, nothing beats the feeling of the ocean water against your bare skin.

Courtney: “I’m ditching my robe. Are you coming or not?”
Groban: “So you are going to be fully nude before you go in the water?”

Courtney responds by flinging her bra in the general direction of the camera man, shimmying out of her panties and standing there waiting for Groban to grow a pair. He does, discards the black boxer briefs, holds his junk with one hand and laces his fingers into hers with the other and they sprint to the safety of the crashing waves.

Groban: “I knew what I was doing probably wasn’t the best decision. But something kept telling me, ‘Why the hell not?’”

I’m sure that “something” was the same “something” that was hoping you’d have a deep connection with one of the women that night. Next time, think with your head and not your “something” and you’ll be better off.

Rose Ceremony
Grobe arrives in a black suit and gets some alone time with Jennifer who was wearing the exact same muumuu my Mom brought me home from the hospital in 1975. Next he moves on to Jugs McGee who was wearing a dress just like one I own! Except I wear it when I get out of the shower while I’m drying my hair and she wears it as a cocktail dress on national television. Jugs has experienced an epiphany and must tell Groban immediately.

Jugs: “I’m 33 and single. That’s because I have been waiting for everything to be just right. Each day, I write something down in my journal about what I like about you. I never thought someone like you would like someone like me. Whatever you decide, I know now that I deserve it, I want it and I’ve never felt this way before. Thank you Groban.”

Unable to respond with anything more significant that “great!”, Groban decides to stick his tongue down her throat.

Meanwhile, the other girls just happen to be talking about skinny dipping. What are the odds? I’m sure not one single producer, director, camera man or ABC intern even attempted to get THAT discussion started. Jennifer loves how skinny dipping is so freeing and goes on and one about all the different environments one may experience it, such as the ocean…or a pool…or… Someone needs to cut her off. Stat.

Emily finds Groban and decides to apologize for talking about Courtney the week before. She promises that from now on, it will only be about the two of them.

Groban: “I’m so glad we’re on the same page now.”
Emily: “Just so you know…I stand by what I said before. There’s some weird BLEEP going on. I think that she’s kind of showing you a different side of herself.”

Groban: “Yes I did see a different side. I saw her full frontal and full backal. But you should just drop it. Tread lightly and be careful.”

Emily returns to the group, convinced that Groban hates her. Courtney makes a wish on a vanilla scented votive candle that Emily is going home. We all thought that was the case when Groban handed out roses to:

Nicki
Kasie B.
Lindzi
JamieRachel
Courtney
Other Casey
Jugs
AND EMILY!

The collective scream from apartment three could be heard around the complex. Groban has officially turned to the dark side. He walks a gracious Jennifer to the rejection Jeep as she wishes him the best. Then she cries, chokes back sobs, hiccups and ugly cries for 10 minutes before the ABC Psychotherapists finally gives her a brown paper sack.

I just don’t get it.

Next week, Groban takes the final eight girls to Panama City for helicopters, waterfalls and a journey of love. It looks like there is some disturbing news for Other Casey and Courtney is finally called out by someone other than her arch nemesis Emily.

What did you think about the episode? Were you surprised by Jennifer’s ejection? Were you thankful for the blurry modesty patches during the skinny dipping segment? Did it sick you out when Groban put that whipped cream on Nicki’s hair in the chocolate bath and she told him he had to lick it off? Sound off in the comments section!

All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee