Meet Jim Halpert of The Office. This is the Jim Halpert “face” that I always talk about. Sometimes, it’s all you need to truly understand a moment. Sort of a non-verbal “bless her heart” if you will.
I’m going to do this recap a little differently. Last night, I watched the show live. Never again. Instead of being able to fast forward through commercials and wasting only 48 minutes of my life, I endured an hour’s worth of stale Bachelor. I’m not bitter. Last week was the home run…the hole-in-one…ABC went the distance. There’s only one direction to go from there.
Sure, we had a few morsels of good moments tucked away here and there, and I’ve decided to end the recap with a traditional Top Ten list. For those of you who didn’t watch the show last night, let me sum up for you…very quickly…
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. If this e-mail circulates to friends, family, enemies…that is your business. However, if you or someone in your address book happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying Halloween Oreos or have a nail technician that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.
Competing for One
of the One-On-One Dates
In a dramatic twist, our crazy ABC Bachelor writers have brought Erica back to choose who will get the first one-on-one date with the Prince. They’ve kept this a secret from the girls, telling them only that someone they know will be choosing the dates based on their answers to two very difficult questions:
Who is the least deserving of becoming a princess?
Who is the most insincere girl in the house?
Poor Erica sits at the TV, writing comments about each girl on her little pink notepad. Unfortunately, we see how Erica holds a pen…and in turn feel sorry for her that her Nanny never taught her the proper way to grasp a writing utensil.
Pretty much across the board, the girls all think Lisa is undeserving and insincere. Lisa answers Jen. Agnes tells her favorite princess story because she didn’t understand the question and Sadie cries to the camera because she doesn’t like talking bad about people.
The girls reconvene in the drawing room and our host dramatically reveals that it is Erica…a true princess…who has chosen the winner.
Fly away with me for a day of pampering!
In a nutshell, the Prince flies Sadie around Rome. Here’s a tiny snippet of their stimulating conversation while in the plane:
Sadie: “You really do know how to fly!”
Chach: “I’m not doing a damn thing.”
Insert Jim Halpert face here.
She thinks he is cute, smart and hot and continues to try and grab his hands. It is at this point that I ponder to myself that maybe he needs his hands while flying several miles up in the air. Am I wrong? Oops…I guess so… because now SADIE is in charge of flying the plane. I guess he really wasn’t doing a damn thing. Huh.
Chach says that he loves that she enjoys every second that she is alive and that they bonded. After safely landing, Sadie steps out onto the wing of the plane and screams, “I FLEW” to the top of her lungs. “I FLEW”. Then Chach answers, “YOU FLEW.” Over and over. This tickled me. I don’t know why.
Finally…a hot tub scene.
Sadie gets all serious and brings up her V-card again, thanking Chach for not having a problem with her values. He says that it is weird that guys mind and tells her that they’ve missed out. She thinks this is sexy.
Sadie reveals that she’s noticed the whole day that he wanted to kiss her. In a brilliant plan, she suggests that they pretend it is the end of the date and should just kiss at dinner. Chach likes her confidence and that she initiated the kiss. She gives him a San Diego Chargers t-shirt and he gives her a rose. They make out. The kissing is better…still not good…but better. I’m assuming he practiced on melons with the intern or something.
Jeanette, Dez, Lisa and Agnes
Dez is a toga princess baby. They participate in a chariot racing contest. There were three races. To me, it would have made a better show if the girls had been driving the chariots themselves, but what can you do?
Jeanette wins. Chach thinks this means she is fearless and a winner at heart.
What? She just rode around in a chariot. How does this make her fearless?
Cut to “Boobs and Butts Weekend” at a random pool and we find the Prince tackling Dez, as if playing football, flinging her into the water—toga and all. This is his way of getting the girls to feel relaxed so they can talk. Lisa finds out there is no rose and is ticked off. Agnes meets him at the swing set to tell him that she is jealous of Sadie for getting a one-on-one date. She wants him to meet her family. He questions if there will be a language barrier with her folks.
Insert Jim Halpert face here.
Meanwhile, Lisa confides in Jeanette that she has her entire home town date figured out…down to the dog park and yummy gelato treat for dessert.
A Roman Night on the Town
This is Jen’s first date with the Prince. Unfortunately, he forgot to tell her that it was a Saturday Night Fever theme date and she felt silly next to him in his white blazer. They ride around in a horse-drawn carriage. They eat dinner on the roof overlooking the Vatican. They talk about teaching and counseling and how she likes to solve problems and how she is the answer to his problem. I got distracted by the ginormous bite of something bright orange that they were both stuffing into their mouths that I quit listening. I don’t each orange food, except for candy corn and Halloween Oreos. They talk about how their parents met. He tells her there is one person for each person and you have to find that person. Good Lord Chach…just give her the rose already.
They visit the Trevi Fountain …with the entire population of Rome watching…and throw coins and make wishes and make out and giggle. Then he thanks her for kissing him. Cringe. Pet peeve of mine.
Dez makes her final plea. She says she is in love with him. (Death sentence. Nail in the coffin. See ya Dez.) Lisa is wearing the earrings she won on the first day. She tells the Prince that it doesn’t bother her that he goes out on other dates…it’s a part of the process. He digs this.
With 0nly two roses left, Chach asks that they not say goodbye…only thank you. I’m throwing up as he gives the roses to Lisa (surprise surprise) and Agnes.
I do have to admit that I thought Agnes was gone. The only thing I can think of is that our Prince has some sort of unresolved fantasy about dating the foreign exchange student back in high school, so he is fulfilling that with Agnes. Or…that he must take a hot girl…just because she’s hot. Or the city of Rome has some sort of agreement with ABC that one of their girls must make it to the final three.
Top Ten Moments of Episode Four
1. When Erica shows up at the castle and asks in her most Princess-like proper voice, “What’s up bitches?” Note to self: Are pink crochet shawls back? Check latest Vogue…
2. When returning to the drawing room from her confessional about who deserves the one-on-one date with the Prince, Lisa tells the group that she thinks everyone deserves to be a princess. Even though she REALLY said that Jen is not pretty without makeup
3. What looked different about Sadie you ask? Bangs.
4. Jeanette wins the chariot race. Scratch that. Jeanette’s driver wins the chariot race for her and as a reward, she gets to have one wish granted by the Prince. Jeanette chooses to play the suck up card and tells the Prince that her wish is for him to enjoy the moment. What in the world? Ask for a rose. Ask for some free cosmetics. Don’t cop out. I can’t tell you how THRILLED I was that the Prince agreed with me. Points for Chach.
5. Lisa swiggin’ out of the champagne bottle at “Boobs and Butts Weekend”
6. “TAKE YOUR TOP OFF! WE’RE GOING STREAKING IN THE QUAD!”
7. Our Host Chris shows us scenes from the hometown dates from next week. Jen’s Dad pulls out a gun and tells the Prince that this particular rifle is the one he would use on the man who treated is daughter inappropriately.
8. Also, a young lady asks Chach if he is aware of Lisa’s “timeline” for marriage. We see wedding magazines and then Lisa in a wedding dress. Please tell me she doesn’t do this in front of him. Please Lord.
9. Erica talking to the camera in a bubble bath? With a tiara?
10. Deleted scene: Dez asks the group the craziest place they’ve ever had sex. Dez: girl’s locker room at her high school; Lisa: floaty in the middle of the lake; Chach: the girls’ villa in Italy
Sure. We believe you Chach.
FYI: I will be out of town next Monday and will do my best to write the recap from my hotel in California. Surf’s up dude. Until then…
All about the shame, not the fame,