You got a little something in your teeth…
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. If this e-mail circulates to friends, family, enemies…that is your business. However, if you or someone in your address book happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying Spring Oreos and Spaghetti O’s or have a spin instructor that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.
What better way to start off a day of fun in the sun on the lieutenant’s yacht, than by partaking in some early morning calisthenics on the deck! We see Andy doing some push ups on the ladder handles. And stretching. Lots of stretching. Luckily the ABC intern read my recap last week and took it upon himself to make the good doctor look good on national TV and handed him a beer before the limo of ladies arrived at his dock. In a bottle. No straw. Nice.
The girls are super psyched about sailing on Andy’s (ABC’s) yacht. Steph talks about the air and the smells. Bev screeches like a four-year-old girl when she spots the seals on a buoy. Dani marvels at a flock of sea gulls. Tess rambles on about her pet peeve of thin socks on carpet. Amber hates clapping in movie theaters. And Tina picks cilantro out of our boy’s teeth. With her fingernail. In the middle of a conversation with Tess and Amber. Fingernail. Picking. Teeth. Cilantro. Crazy.
Classic Quote of the Night #1
Amber: “Tina just does things…that some of us…wouldn’t do.”
Andy escapes the brunettes and heads over to the blond table. Steph and Dani are smiling blankly. They have both admitted they are afraid Bev is going to steal the Bachelor: O&G away on this date. It is supposed to be a group. She is not following the rules.
This is the part where I wonder if they knew what they were signing up for.
Bev doesn’t disappoint. She tells Andy that she has been eyeing the two kayaks on the yacht since she boarded and would love to go try them out with Andy. Being the triathlete that he is, our boy is up for the task.
Dani and Steph sit and smile.
Andy straps Bev into her life vest. He claims that she needs the vest in case he tips the kayak over.
Classic Quote of the Night #2
Bev: “Don’t worry. I’m not afraid of drownding. As long as you give me mouth-to-mouth.”
Drownding. Ding. Drownding. Bless her heart.
They kayak around in the ocean. She leans over onto his kayak for a hug. She deliberately falls out of her kayak so that he can save her with some mouth-to-mouth action. They return to Andy’s (ABC’s) yacht dripping wet. She barricades him against the back of the yacht and proceeds to straddle him in a make out session with the rest of the Blond Ambition tour eavesdropping from above.
They come up for air.
Everyone else is wrapped in their blankets. The Brunettes are asleep together in a pile. Too bad they missed the beautiful sunset on the way back.
Andy wants Steph to show her true colors. He wants to have her explain why she is on the journey. So he takes her to a winery. They are going to make their own unique blend.
Classic Quote of the Night #3:
Andy: “You can take this to the next level and it can represent romance. A little bit of Andy. A little bit of Stephanie. It tastes beautiful. Like you.”
Unfortunately, the awkwardness did not end there. Wine guy said they had to make a label for their unique Stephandy blend. They are taken to a big blank canvas surrounded by paints and are told to create a masterpiece!
Flicking of paint here. Sloshing of pain there. The canvas comes off of the easel. Stephandy decides to use their hands instead of brushes.
And here is the moment. I just shivered thinking about it.
Our boy started out with a semi-decent idea of taking Steph’s hand, dripping in paint, into his own hand. I’m thinking yellow and blue make green perhaps? No no. Too elementary my dear friends. He slaps the hands together. Has a moment of brain freeze not knowing where to go from here. Being the patriotic Navy boy he is, he heads straight for the fall back…place your hand on your heart. And then they kiss.
What in the world? Not only was that lame, but now Steph has a huge hand print on her boob. And it’s not even Andy’s hand print to make the other girls jealous! I can see the poor ABC intern now…shaking his head in disappointment.
The wine guy takes a Polaroid of the canvas and tapes it to the Stephandy blend. They share the bottle with dinner. Andy hopes that Steph will take this time to really open up and prove that she wants to be here. Not so much.
Andy: “Tell me about your dreams.”
Steph: “I have many.”
Andy: “When you get out of bed, what’s driving you?”
Steph: “I don’t know.”
Andy: “Career wise, what are you looking forward to?”
Steph: “Hmmm. I don’t know.”
Lincee: Rolling her eyes.
Andy blames the fact that Steph knows nothing on her age. He is concerned that she doesn’t know what she wants in life.
Lincee thinks that Steph is done.
Meanwhile at the mansion, Amber wants to know why Bev is so upset. Bev explains in short sentences between bursts of tears that she has feelings for Andy. She doesn’t understand why she is in to a guy that likes 23-year-olds. Amber battles back saying that she raised her siblings and is a very mature 23-year-old. Bevin stomps her feel, tears up and screams at the top of her lungs that she is mature too and hurls herself out the back door to the veranda.
The ABC psychotherapist chases after her for a confessional. The emotions are flying. “The guy I’m dating is dating so many other women…it makes me feel desperate. At my age, I feel ridiculous. I feel like an idiot. The chances are it won’t be me. He has to come on my hometown date so I can tell him I’ve been divorced. There has been no time before now to do that. Sure I spent an entire afternoon with him at the hospital when I broke my ankle, and cried on his shoulder for 30 minutes in Tahoe about my ankle right before my super special time in his hotel room where he tried to run his fingers through my helmet hair and just kayaked with him by myself, but I have not had one-on-one time and it is unfair. I hate Tessa. WHY MEEEEEEEE???”
The ABC psychotherapist gives her Lexapro and sends her off to bed.
SMALL GROUP DATE
The girls are going to renovate a playground at a school. Andy is going to take this time to see how the girls react to children and community involvement. Amber works on a hopscotch. Dani talks about wanting two kids while teaching Andy how to highlight painted roses. Tina talks about how she feels she is back in high school while living with the other girls. The lieutenant tells her that being cool is all about perspective. Lincee laughs. They work hard as a team and are excited to see the kids enjoy their project. Too bad little Judy got paint all over her shoes due to wet hopscotch and little Tommy crashed on his Big Wheel because of a misplaced bolt in the brake. Other than that…SUCCESS!
Dani is worried that Bev is going to take one-on-one time again. Amber wants Andy to meet her kids at her school in Texas. Tina is talking to the other “drummers with a different beat” kids telling them it doesn’t get better when they grow up. And Bev shows that she is not a complete moron when it comes to little people.
ONE-ON-ONE WITH TESS
Andy requested this date with Tessa. Why? Because of the chase. Andy tells the camera that he wants HER to know that HE’S the man for her.
Well played Tess.
He gives her two million dollars worth of diamonds for the night. Looks super cute with her tank top and jeans. Bev has a meltdown.
They run by Nicole Miller and try on ever dress in the store. I’m sure he’s bored as all get out. She finally decides on a red number. You know which song swells in the background. Andy says she’s sexy. They eat in a garden with the rain trickling in the background. They talk about snuggling in bed when it rains and how romantic the notion is. The conversation is easy and real. They both truly believe that this weird circumstance called The Bachelor just might work! Who cares about the nine other times before, 10 might just be the charm!
Tess decides to put herself out there since Andy is so open and honest. She confesses that it takes her longer to get comfortable and trust someone. For the first time, our Bachelor: O&G does not have a toothy grin, cocked eyebrow or furrowed brow. He’s actually nervous as to what Tess has to say.
He tells her his heart is full and asks twice where she came from. I don’t know what he meant by that, but I can report what I do know:
He kissed her. He kissed her good. Well, two good ones bookended between one of those tight lip pecks. But we’ll take it! WHOO HOO!
Andy thinks Amber may be insecure and immature. She gives him a chocolate wrapper and he is better.
He loves Bev’s dress and tells her, after literally looking down her cleavage, that there is evident electricity between them
He has no affection with Tina and is not excited to meet her Mom or brother.
Tess thanks Andy for her date and in the middle of her soliloquy, he interrupts her with a kiss.
Dani wants him to know that she is in to him. He says he feels it. I’m going to have to take his word on this.
Our two insecure bachelorettes, Amber and Bev, sneak into the bureau room and cry about how they hate their bureau pictures. They can’t find our Host Chris to complain, so they leave post-it notes for him.
Andy gives Steph a second chance to prove she is worthy of playing this game. Again, she waves as it passes her by.
Classic Quote of the Night #4
Andy: “I’m a doctor. I’m a Navy Lieutenant. I’m an Iron Man. But this is the hardest thing I’ve ever done.”
To no one’s surprise, the lieutenant chooses:
At this point in the game, I’m sure we are all thinking it is going to be Tess. ABC will have to really throw us some curve balls in the next few episodes to keep my interest. Home town dates always have potential with the introduction of new supporting casts…crazy Moms, weird siblings, protective Dads…it’s all good. And who can resist the Forgo Card dates?
All about the shame, not the fame,
Priceless! I cringed when Tina went for the teeth. Talk about awkward!!!
I do think it is Tess, but I am excited to see a “real” romance develop on our favorite show!
Your analysis of Tess playing him was verbatim what I said while watching. She has him chasing HER. Then, at the end with the coming attractions, if you caught it, he actually said something to the effect of being nervous about having Tess’ family like him. Her family hasn’t even met him yet and they’ve already got him chasing them! Well played Tess, indeed!
Amber defending her age: “I’m ‘like’ way more mature than any other 23-year-old old EVER. ‘Like’ when Bevin says I’m immature, ‘like’ that makes HER immature. Na-na-na-na-na-na!” Can’t wait to see her meltdown next week when her parents ‘like’ totally let her down.
What was UP with Andy’s ugly lime green sport jacket on his date with Steph? I think Tessa saw someone slide across the carpet in socks and threw up on it when he came to pick Steph up.
No doubt about the kids playing on the schoolyard paint. Did O&G and the girls have to get all dressed the same way the next day to film when the paint was dry?!? wtf?
I’m sooooo loving Tessa!! I’ve always been a fan, ever since the talking muffin joke right outta the gate. I can’t believe ppl are posting that she is not atractive…she is so hot!! Sweet face, hot bod, killer legs…she’s a natural beauty. And this is coming from a straight girl!
Well, worth the wait. Great recap!
Hey kids, sorry you had to stay in school until 8pm so the paint could dry in the playground!
Andy to little girl hula hooping her neck: “Where’d you learn to do that?”
Hula hoop girl: “At my, at my ass!” huh??
She did not say house. Or class. She said ass.
ABC please edit out the child pornograhy next time…there’s no need for that.
Great recap, as ever, Lincee! Good call on the awkward handpainting moment. If anyone heard a high-pitched noise in the background during that date, it was Steph’s plane plummeting. Eject, Steph, eject!
Is it just me or is it hard to pick a favorite to root for this season? Amber apparently doesn’t make it past the hometown date–no loss there–and Boo Hoo Bev MUST go after the Hawaiian Tropic date. She’s been a hoot (and a honk and a snivel), but enough is enough. That leaves Tess and Dani (who I swear must be Mary Matalin’s blonde sister) as the final two. Aside from the dead boyfriend, do we know anything about Dani? And the talks with Tess all seem to have been about how she’s perpetually unsure she wants to be there. So, playing hard to get is working for her, but surely there needs to be more than that to warrant a ring?
Ho-hum, then. Let’s hope the families next week are at least as entertaining as last season’s (shotguns, masks and dancing . . .). Bring on the eccentrics!
How about when Bev’s expression when Andy compliments her dress? It’s like she’s never heard a compliment before! I’m guessing battery and verbal abuse in the previous marriage…? That chick is C-R-A-Z-Y.
Tina: I’m soooo excited for you to meet my Mom. My mom is me amplified times ‘however much’…
I’m sorry, but I can’t imagine an amplified version of Tina. What, does her Mom just really really really enunciate?? I guess we’ll never know…
Lincee, after the week I have had (3 hours of sleep per night) and the crap I’ve gone through, I definitely needed your recap. It made me laugh, and not much has this week. So, thanks.
There were so many moments in the show that I sat there gawking thinking, “Did he just say that?” “Did they just do that?” It’s just too much.
Um, did anyone else see the gratuitous crotch shot? I think the ABC intern did that on purpose…
P.S. the little hula hoop girl said “At my aunt’s”.
I certainly hope he chooses Tessa – she seems like a really cool, down-to-earth person. I used to really like Bev, but she is quite the drama queen and from how they edit the show it seems like he hasn’t seen that side of her.
Did anyone notice Andy was wearing clear nail polish (or at least had had his nails buffed to high shine)? Not sure that is part of Navy protocol. He lost points in my book.
Lincee…thought of you today when I spotted limited-edition-Strawberry Milkshake Oreos at WalMart on sale for $2!
Love your classic quotes! He’s done boot camp and the ironman and yet this whole thing is harder! When i was watching that cracked me up so hard, i had to pause and play it back 3 times. Keep up the awesome blog!
I think it’s Bevin, not Tess. Anyone else with me?
Not just electricity with Bev–but “super charged electricity”–what grade is he in???
I’m with you, Anonymous at 9:06 pm! I think it’ll be Bevin too. I WANT it to be Tessa, but since when has a Bachelor ever shown any logic or class when it comes to the one he chooses at the end?