An inappropriate relationship with a staffer
First things first: you guys ROCK! And so does webMAN. Let’s give everyone a round of applause for sheer awesomeness. Go on. Pat yourself on the back because I have to say…I have the coolest readers ever. I truly do. Thank you all for taking the time to send me sweet notes about the newspaper thing and then voting IHGB for a blog award. I am overwhelmed. I’m doing what I love and it seems silly to be recognized for it.
One more thing before we fly off to cloud nine: I’ve just read on People.com that there is going to be a new show debuting this summer called Bachelor Pad. Here’s what they have to say about the plot:
“Old rivalries and dramas from past seasons of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette will get new life this year as ABC is creating a spin-off show in which former contestants will live and compete together in a Big Brother-style house. The show will bring back 20 memorable contestants from the previous 13 Bachelor and five Bachelorette seasons.”
Oh my heavenly days. Could this show BE more perfect for me? The possibilities of who these Bachelors and Bachelorettes are could make me spontaneously combust if I think about it too much. Definitely a post for later in the week. I’m going to put together my dream team and share with the masses. Hotter than Crap Brad is definitely invited to play on the island. Can’t. Hardly. Wait. Twenty bucks says He Who Must Not Be Named is already signed on. BRING IT ABC! HE DOESN’T SCARE ME!
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. You probably aren’t even reading this because the simple disclaimer has been a part of my recap since the days I emailed this puppy to just a few of my closer friends. HA! Fooled you. You’ve skipped this amusing mockery and will not know what in the world your friends are talking about when they say, “Did you like the new disclaimer Lincee did?” However, if you or someone on your Facebook page happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying leftover Christmas candy or have a Bikram Yoga instructor that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.
I attempt to put myself out there on the non-Bachelor related entries of this website. But one thing that I’ve never written about is how I have incredible intuition. I mean INCREDIBLE. Sadly, I often don’t listen or recognize at the moment that my incredible intuition is kicking in and I am forced to be disappointed later.
For example: yesterday after work was my first time to go to physical therapy for my knee. You’ll be happy to know that I drove myself there and did not have to be embarrassed because Dr. Mosley’s initials are no longer a permanent tattoo on my knee cap. SHOWERING WITHOUT A TRASH BAG ON YOUR LEG IS AMAZING!
The word you are looking for is, “Anyway…”
PT Ben was making me squeeze and bend and straighten and pretty much hurting everything from hip to toe on the right side when it hit me. I thought to myself, “I need to leave because it’s almost 7:00 and The Bachelor comes on tonight. It’s not going to record.”
It was a nagging feeling that just would not go away. But I kept convincing myself that I was crazy, because it recorded last week fine all by itself. Why would this week be any different? So I pressed through some electro-shock treatment on my quad muscle and tried to shake the feeling off.
At 7:25, I walked through my door and marched straight to the DVR. Yes. The little red light is on. But the nagging feeling said, “Check the list. It’s recording something else.” I think I laughed out loud at myself and went to the kitchen to grab a Dr Pepper. (Electro-shock treatment is hard on the system and I deserved a cold one.) But the nagging got the best of me and I flipped to my DVR list to see what was recording.
Chuck and How I Met Your Mother.
Have I told you that I have incredible intuition?
I scream a little too loudly for an apartment complex, but not loud enough that the neighbors would be concerned. I frantically turn to ABC and hit the record button.
Needless to say, I was able to watch the first 30 minutes of the show on ABC.com this morning. Which I am so thankful for because the first 30 minutes and the last 30 minutes were the BEST parts! Too bad I’m going to have nightmares from the Lovely Bones commercials I had to sit through online every 10 minutes.
“My name is Suzy. I was 14-years-old…when I was MURDERED.”
I’m sorry, but shouldn’t the movie advertisement during The Bachelor online episodes be something a little more light-hearted? That Leap Year movie perhaps? Or the one called Valentine’s Day with a cast of thousands that looks like it was made for me personally? I don’t really care for creeped out Stanley Tucci as the killer neighbor. Mark Wahlberg in 70s attire? Perfectly acceptable. He’s the best part of the trailer. Otherwise, no thank you. I mean, how foolish did I look at my office desk with my face hidden behind my hands and the volume turned down?
I believe the word you are looking for is, “Anyway…”
Let’s get on with the recap, shall we?
FIRST GROUP DATE
“A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words”
Gia, Roz, Valisha, The Girl You Can’t Remember Named Corrie, Samantha Jones and Ashleigh the Blond
Raise your hand if you thought Jake’s shirt was a little too plunging? He was a few gold chains and some black chest hair away from being called Guido for the duration of this season. Is this a shout out to the Jersey Shore kids Jake? Try a fist pump next time.
Jake tells us that he is on cloud nine because there are 15 women in the mansion…one who will be the future Mrs. Pavelka. He enters the front door and all the ladies scream in unison. The six lucky group daters are escorted out to an SUV limo as the remaining girls shout, “WE’LL MISS YOU JAKE!” from the front door. Ugh.
Let the record show that Roz’s dress was exactly two-feet long. Her cup literally runneth over.
A know-it-all ruins the surprise and tells everyone that they are headed to Santa Monica where we meet up with Jake’s friend Hal who just happens to be the fashion director for In Style magazine. The Girl You Can’t Remember Named Corrie reveals that In Style is her fashion Bible and is super stoked to learn that they are about to be in a photo shoot.
Samantha Jones: “This is a nightmare. There are several girls here who have modeling experience. I would rather be doing a math test right now.”
Now what would the real Samantha Jones say about that remark girl? Get your head in the game. And your cleavage. COME ON!
Jake tells the camera that he wants to see who can be playful and just have fun with the shoot. Roz asks The Girl You Can’t Remember Named Corrie is she’s ever “done this” before.
TGYCRNC: “Are you kidding me? No. I haven’t ever done anything like this. Have you? Wait! You’re a model! Of course you’ve done this!”
Roz (super casual): “Yeah. I’ve done it a few times for the last 10 years. It’s no big deal. I’m more of a bridal model. Do you see how I worked that in? The winner of this show gets to be a bride for a little while. I’m way higher on the model scale than, say, Gia. She’s a total lingerie model. And by that I mean she’s the one who is on the billboards for those X-rated places you see on long stretches of interstate highways. But whatever.”
Roz then goes on to say that Jake looks amazing shirtless and that she wants to bite him.
Meanwhile, Samantha Jones sits with Valisha the Homemaker and talks about how Roz and Gia are models and that Ashleigh was once in the Miss America pageant. Poor Valisha somehow got the shaft and was wardrobed in a dress that resembled anything one might wear to your typical baby shower. No sparkles for the homemaker.
Samantha Jones: “I’m super nervous. My hands are sweating like a five-year-old getting ready to go out for recess with his girlfriend.”
Roz is first to model and knocks it out of the park. Jake is asked to enter the frame and she hikes her leg up around his waist within minutes. It is confirmed by both Samantha Jones, as well as a blurred out “modesty patch” courtesy of the ABC editing department that Roz showed her who-ha.
The photographer admits that Roz will be a tough act to follow. He encourages the other girls to “think of something dirty” or “think of something sweet” or “give Jake a kiss” or “just relax your shoulders a bit.” Samantha Jones asks him to make her picture skinnier with bigger boobs.
Seriously Samantha? Confidence!
Jake notices that Samantha Jones is freaking out and decides that he should go in and help her with her nerves. He playfully starts dancing and dipping, and Samantha visibly begins to relax before our very eyes. Jake took control and I love that about him. He knew she was self-conscious in front of the other girls and he felt bad.
Samantha Jones feels safe and secure with Jason and begins crying when she realizes that she is on cloud nine and in love with our beloved Bachelor.
Due to extenuating circumstances beyond my control, from this point on Samantha Jones will be known as her real name: Christina.
*** “My name is Suzy. I was 14-years-old when I was MURDERED.” ***
Back at the Shangri Lai hotel, Jake treats the ladies to a wrap party. He decides to whisk Gia away to talk about her past relationships.
Jake: “So how many serious relationships have you been in?”
Gia: “I was involved with a guy for six years.”
Lincee: Gee. I guess that relationship started in kindergarten. Look at that. Five-year-olds can have girlfriends like the Bachelorette Formerly Known As Samantha Jones eluded.
While Jake is intently listening to Gia go on and on about how her boyfriend was the popular one at the lunch table, he becomes distracted by a figure making its way towards the duo.
Ashleigh has decided to change into her teeny black bikini and invite the Bachelor into the pool for a dip. Jake is unable to concentrate as Ashleigh pulls him away from Gia…who quickly proclaims that she will be putting on her own bikini since she is a fit/fitness model. Jake doesn’t hear anything because he’s too busy being mesmerized by Ashleigh’s body.
Jake makes a big production out of standing behind a curtain for the big reveal of his own swimsuit to Ashleigh. I don’t know if I thought this was cute or if I was just ready to see him shirtless again, but I noticed my heart racing a bit. COME OUT FROM BEHIND THE CURTAIN JAKE!
He swings the curtains open and Ashleigh’s head goes back in a seductive laugh. They get in the pool. Ironically, it was cold, so they have no choice but to huddle together to generate body heat. The ABC intern did a great job of hiding all the Styrofoam coolers he hauled in just an hour before have dumping pounds and pound of ice in the CALIFORNIA SWIMMING POOL.
Ashleigh: “Jake is hot. And our bathing suits match. That is totally a sign. We definitely had chemistry. I totally felt something.”
Lincee: Oh really Ashleigh? The way you were straddling him, I can take a guess as to what you felt. (So dirty. I know. Nobody reads this…)
Back at the mansion, a date box arrives and Nutbag Michelle goes into a conniption fit as Kathryn retrieves the velvet box. Michelle begins to breathe in through the nose and out the mouth to try and regain some sort of composure. Inside the box is a diamond necklace. But alas! There is only a note from Our Host Chris Harrison! No one knows who will get to wear it on the one-on-one date with Jake!
In true psycho form, Michelle grabs the necklace and announces that she is going to put it on. Elizabeth catches her arm and announces, “Oh no you are not!” But Michelle is just enough out of touch with reality that she dismisses the warning and clasps it around her neck anyway.
Michelle: “I’m putting it on. Because I have a feeling that the woman who puts the necklace on will be the one who gets the one-on-one date.”
She starts shaking uncontrollably in a fit of satisfaction as the others jerk the necklace off. Then she sits in a dark corner, stroking an imaginary cat muttering something about, “My precious.”
Back at the frigid swimming pool, Christina pulls Jake behind a curtain to convey her true feelings.
Christina: “I like totally like struggled with like being like the normal girl at the photo shoot today. It was like really annoying. But like you came in and like rescued me. I like think you are totally awesome. You are totally like my pilot on like wings of love dude. Totally. I need another shot.”
Jake: “It was disappointing to me how Christina drank so much at the wrap party and turned into a valley girl. Thankfully, Roz was came through that curtain like a breath of fresh air in her red bikini. She is smoking hot. I want to get to know her better. She is so mysterious. It’s like she’s hiding something from me and I want to figure out what it is. What was I talking about again? Oh right Christina. What a drunk.”
Roz takes Jake to the roof and conveniently forgets her towel. Being the gentleman…and man…Jake is, he shares his towel with the freezing cold Roz. Think body heat and friction. She whines about how she hasn’t had any one-on-one time.
Jake: “Well…you have me alone now.”
They begin to make out like soft core porn stars. They kiss. Jake smiles. They kiss again. Jake smiles. Then he tells her to hang on and he runs downstairs to get the rose. He tells her “thank you for hanging in there” and gives her the rose. Cue the fake tears, a little more friction and they are making out again.
Roz: “I like this feeling of accomplishment. I’m competitive. But I’m winning. This could get messy and result in a cat fight or mud wrestling. Whatever it takes to get on top. If you get in my way, I’ll kick you. Kick you hard.”
*** “My name is Suzy. I was 14-years-old when I was MURDERED.” ***
“Come Fly With Me”
The next morning, the diamond necklace is still on the coffee table. Everyone is sitting around drinking coffee from their bright mugs wondering who the lucky girl is going to be! The door bell rings and Michelle runs with reckless abandon to fetch the envelope. With shaking hands, closed eyes and head bowed, she makes a silent plea to Aphrodite…the goddess of love…to please make this one wish come true.
She opens the envelope and reads Ali’s name aloud.
Ali begins crying. Tenley hugs her in congratulations. Roz rendezvous with a “staffer” while Valisha bakes everyone cookies. Ella goes to chop Ethan’s teddy bear’s head off and Michelle finds her favorite spot in the basement to brood.
Jake: “I’m glad I’m going on this date with Ali. My first impression of her is that she’s the complete package. And it is going to be HILARIOUS flying her around in a plane. Did you know she is afraid of planes? I’m going to conquer that fear of hers today. It’s the wings of love way.”
Ali: “I’m ready to go anywhere with Jake. And I mean anywhere. Who cares that I’m in a strapless yellow dress with gold spiky heels and he wants me to ride around with a ginormous helmet on the back of his motorcycle. Do you understand what this means? I have the chance to feel his abs through his bomber jacket. I’ll take it! I’m on cloud nine!”
Jake takes her to the airport and shows her the puddle jumper they will be flying to Palm Springs. He gets all up in her grill fastening her seat belt for her and then proceeds to do several pre-flight checks that inevitably have him bending over things so we can get a tight shot of his smile or his butt.
No complaints from me or Ali.
He flings his bomber jacket over his shoulder, puts on his aviator sunglasses and hops in the cockpit, promising Ali she is in good hands.
They take off and Ali miraculously isn’t afraid of flying anymore. She trusts her pilot to float her around the great state of California all day long.
Ali: “Jake is so calm up there. And his teeth are so white. I love good hygiene. It was a perfect day. I felt like instead of the plane taking off, it was our relationship that was taking off.”
Aaaannnnnnnddddddd there it is. Cue the music.
Awwwww! Flying high upon the wings of love. Two crazy kids just rolling around in an old timey car, eating dinner on a Polo field and being serenaded by Chicago.
Seriously ABC? Chicago? I mean, I love me some Peter Cetera, but A.) he wasn’t there and B.) a quick iTunes search told me that Chicago does not have a CD that is dropping in the next month or two.
I find this artist selection odd.
But Jake does not. He is so excited that he wants to grab Ali’s hand and run down to the opposite end of the Polo field and dance the night away.
Let’s recap for a minute: Ali had to ride a motorcycle in a dress and spiky heels. Ali had to put a helmet on her hair and mess it up. Ali had to swallow her own fear and probably a little throw up and fly when it is a known fact that she doesn’t enjoy the activity. She hits her head as she exits the plane. Now home boy wants her to run down an embankment to rush the stage at a private Chicago party?
Ali kicks off her heels and hoists her dress every fourth or fifth step as Jake looks back adoringly. They begin to dance and then Jake goes in for a pretty decent kiss. Then it got uncomfortable. They held it long enough for Gary the camera guy to pan in and out nine times. Being the good TEXAS boy Jake is, he tries to pretzel Ali who gets all confused when he whips her around to the back. That or her boob fell out. I couldn’t be sure. They snuggle back up with Chicago starts playing, “I Don’t Want To Live Without Your Love.”
Ali: “This was a complete fairy tale. I should have worn jeans like Jake had on, but I don’t care. Chicago gave me the inspiration, as they were singing ‘You’re the Inspiration’ to be Jake’s inspiration. I am on cloud nine. It was a perfect first date for a perfect beginning to a relationship.”
SECOND GROUP DATE
Elizabeth, Jessie, Kathryn, Ashley the Flight Attendant and Vienna
“Love Has Its Ups and Downs”
AKA: “Screaming in Unison on Roller Coasters”
AKA: “Praying That Your Boobs Don’t Fall Out of Said Roller Coasters”
What’s this? Ella, Tenley and Michelle are the three unlucky girls who did not get a date with Jake. Ella goes off to fix Ethan’s favorite dessert and then pays the ABC intern a $50 to leave it on Jake’s front door step. Tenley pops in Beauty and the Beast to make herself feel better and Michelle has a straight up anxiety attack.
Michelle: “This is RIDICULOUS. I’ve had no time with Jake. I’m leaving.”
Tenley: “You are NOT. No. Stop packing.”
Michelle: “I’m not going to wait around until some stupid cocktail party where there are other girls pawning over my man. I can’t stomach it. You don’t understand. It is literally, LITERALLY eating a hole in my stomach.”
Tenley: “Give him the chance to get to know you. There is a rose ceremony. See if you get to stay. Please don’t leave.”
Tenley convinces Michelle to stay as Roz rolls her eyes and slowly makes her way to an unmarked door. The girls are too busy brushing each other’s hair to hear a click of the lock.
Meanwhile at Six Flags, the ABC intern is smiling because he convinced three of the five girls to wear either strapless or dresses. He gives himself a mental high five and goes off to man the funnel cake stand.
Jake: “I’m so excited to see these particular girls in this element. I want to see them have fun. Because friends have fun. And I want my wife to first be my friend and then be my lover. So what better way to see who has true wife material than to go on a bunch of roller coasters? Who cares about talking and getting to know each other. I want fun. And if boobs happen to fall out…so be it.”
This was the most boring part of last night. Not only were girls screaming and running around in high heels, but there were some ugly faces caught in the video of them riding on the roller coasters. And for some reason, all the girls wanted to hold Jake’s hands. And they all felt the need to walk in big long lines. It was weird to me.
Elizabeth pulls Jake away and they pretend to be tossing rings on the top of bottles.
Jake: “I just loved how you kicked your heels off and played football with me the other night. And thanks for not telling me I throw like a girl. I appreciate that.”
Elizabeth: “I have a note for you.”
Jake: “I’m sorry. I didn’t get you anything.”
Elizabeth: “It’s a good note. Trust me. I take pride in my note-taking abilities. It’s naked…the true me. Raw. Hot. Just like me. I’m going to read it to you in my most monotone robotic voice because I want you to fall in love for my naked words—not my naked body.”
Jake: “Okie dokie. Shoot.”
Elizabeth: “Dear Jake. How’s it going? Are you enjoying your time as The Bachelor? I’m doing good. It’s hard being in the house with other girls, but I am concentrating on fun. I get butterflies when I’m around you. It’s going to be an amazing journey. I’m going to
P you a few lines before I tell you something serious and super secret. I know you are kissing other girls. And you will probably end up kissing them all. But don’t kiss me unless it’s just me for the rest of your life. Gotta go now. TTYL. Lizzy.”
She folds the note up, making sure that the little tab that says “pull” is visible and sticks it in his pocket.
Jake: “I am an old fashioned guy. I like that she wrote me a letter. I get that she doesn’t want to make out if I’m making out with other girls. I can handle that. No problemo. Have you seen Roz kiss? This will be a piece of cake.”
Back at the popcorn stand, Vienna decides it’s time to tell Jake her super big secret. He’s either going to laugh or not give her a rose. Great odds V!
Vienna: “I was engaged to my pastor’s son when I was a senior in high school. I chickened out and a month later he was married to another girl. So I ran off and eloped with the first guy I met coming out of Calculus 2 class. Four months later, I was divorced and I broke my Daddy’s heart. I just wanted to tell you this…”
Ashley the Flight Attendant: “SOMEBODY ORDER A MARGARITA????”
Side note: Where is this Six Flags that serves alcohol? Road trip anyone?
Vienna gets annoyed that Ashley the Flight Attendant janked her time with our Bachelor and get super annoyed the Elizabeth lectures her that she needs to utilize her time better.
Ashley the Flight Attendant: “…I mean what’s the use of a PhD when you have no one to share it with. Am I right Jake? Am I right? Let’s hold hands. I know I’m in your 18 inches of personal space but I need to be this close to you so you will know that I want to kiss you. Am I right? Am I right Jake?”
In my notes, I have that Jake is clearly not in to this girl. Ironically, Ashley the Flight Attendant comes to the same conclusion.
Jake hops up and gives the rose to the girl who opened up to him the most. After a quick shot of Vienna, he hands the rose to Elizabeth. They go off to learn more about one another while the other girls are sent home in the limo.
Jake: “I had an amazing time with Elizabeth. She really intrigues me. She asked me not to kiss her. But I wanted to show her that I respect her values.”
Elizabeth: “Jake and I are totally on the same page. He knows he is being held accountable for the no kissing rule. I’m playing hard to get because that is what I deserve.”
Jake thinks this is the best foreplay ever.
Elizabeth: “I’m a really good kisser and I hear you are too. Do you want to kiss me right now?”
Jake: “Yes. But I won’t. I will respect your wishes.”
Elizabeth: “Good. Because the last thing we need to do is kiss. Because it’s already hot enough in this joint and I don’t think we could handle any more heat. Even though I’m inches away from your luscious lips, I do not want you to kiss me. Wait. Were you going to kiss me?”
Jake: “No. I was going to kiss your forehead.”
Elizabeth: “You can make lout with my forehead any time.”
I’d like a retraction of the Omaha newspaper article. Let the record show that I do not like this girl.
Jake finds Ella who is in sequins from below the boob to toe. He brings her a cupcake for her birthday. She says she is on cloud nine. Jake asks if she is missing Ethan and she said she brought his favorite blanket to keep her company, so it’s not so bad. And he understands that she is meeting the love of her life so it’s no big deal.
Oh yes. The seven-year-old understands I’m sure.
Later, Tenley gets some alone time with Jake. She wanted to tell him about her ex-husband but didn’t get the opportunity. Even after Jake asked her about past relationships. She cries about not being honest to the ABC psychotherapist.
Michelle sits on the couch pouting, insisting that Jake should seek her out if he wants to get to know her. She’s secretly wondering why that wicken summoning spell didn’t work, but is distracted when Vienna calls her a Debbie Downer. Just as she is about to hex Vienna, Jake appears as if from a dream. She steals him away to their secluded corner of the back yard.
Michelle: “I know why you are here and I’m here for the exact same reasons. But I don’t’ know what will happen with the rose. This afternoon, I packed my bags. When those cards came in and my name wasn’t on them, I panicked. I’m always honest about how I’m feeling. And I feel you and I are soul mates.”
Jake: “I don’t want you to leave. You were bold and confident. You got teary. I loved that.”
Christina shows up to “borrow” Jake. There were daggers that came out of Michelle’s eyes.
Michelle: “Are you kidding me? She interrupted my conversation. So rude. It’s not fair to Jake. He was getting to know me. And I’m open and honest. See this arsenic? It would be a mighty shame for that to find its way into someone’s shot glass tonight. That’s right. I’m talking about YOU Christina.”
Suddenly, all background noise is gone and Our Host Chris Harrison enters the room to collect Roz. The silence is deadly. Everyone is freaking out.
OHCH: “Roz. This is something we’ve never had to deal with in the history of the show.
I hate to have this conversation because it’s a little awkward. It’s taking every muscle in my core not to either bust out laughing or high five you right now. But I’ve been told to drag this out as long as possible.”
OHCH: “I’m sure you have some idea why I pulled you aside? (Blank stare by Roz.) Do you have any clue? Think back to the past few months. Does anything stick out to you at all? (Blank state by Roz.) Perhaps an inappropriate relationship with one of our staffers? Does that ring a bell?”
Roz: “I have no idea what you are talking about Chris.”
OHCH: “Really? Because I have about six hours of very interesting video tape that would beg to differ. Now let me cross my arms and look all authoritative as I give you this bit of news…we fired the staffer for being in an inappropriate relationship with you. How does that make you feel?”
Roz: “I have no feelings.”
OHCH: “Well then. We’re going to have to ask you to leave as well. Pack your bags sweetheart. Why are you staring at me like you have no clue what I’m talking about? We feel it’s impossible for you to form a meaningful relationship with Jake since you’ve been boinking the staffer. It was an inappropriate relationship Roz.”
Roz: “My personal life is not anyone’s business. Are you saying other girls didn’t have relationships before this show?”
OHCH: “Not with the staffer. How inappropriate can you get? Out of respect of everyone here, we are asking you to leave. A line was crossed. An inappropriate line was crossed.”
Roz: “I’m not going to say anything because that puts me in a bad position.”
OHCH: “Look here Missy. No one is judging your positions. By the way, you are very bendy. Kudos to you. But that’s not the point. The point is that you are welcome to be with him. He’s waiting for you on the roof of the Shangri Lai. Don’t let the van door hit you on the way out.”
OHCH: “That’s right. Losers ride in the van. Now pack it up!”
Roz: This wasn’t deceitful. It just happened.”
OHCH: “Twelve times, but who’s counting.”
Roz saunters into the living room and announces that she’s leaving the show. A man in black helps her pack her stuff. One wonders why she didn’t change into her jeans before she started packing what appears to be 19 suitcases of luggage, but that’s neither here nor there.
And in other Bachelor history-making moments, Our Host Chris Harrison steals the Bachelor away for some alone time.
Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
OHCH: “Jake. Something has happened that I feel is so serious that you need to know. It has to do with Roz. I’m going to pause dramatically for your reaction right now.”
Jake: “Don’t tell me she’s gone Chris. Don’t tell me that.”
OHCH: “She entered into an inappropriate relationship with a staffer.”
Jake: “You are kidding me.”
OHCH: “No, I’m not. We’ve fired the staffer. And we’ve sent Roz home in an old van with a creepy man in black as the driver.”
Jake: “I don’t know what to say. I’m really disappointed. Can I get my rose back?”
He does some neck stretches and goes off to pace around the fireplace a few times before joining Our Host in the room. By the way, how many ABC interns do you think it took to keep those girls away from Jake and away from Roz?
All the girls are gathered in the champagne clinker room. The boys walk in and are somber.
OHCH: “Just so you know, Roz entered into an inappropriate relationship with one of our staffers. You should know that we are extremely serious concerning what this show is about and hooking up with a staffer is frowned upon. She came here to find love and found it behind the scenes. Good for her, but embarrassing for us. He’s gone and we’ve sent Roz home because of what happened.”
Jake takes out a notebook to mark all the girls who are crying. This includes Tenley, Ella, Vienna, Michelle and The Girl You Can’t Remember Named Corrie.
Jake: “I may tear up when I say this. I feel deceived. She looked in my eyes and told me she was here for me. I need to know if someone else isn’t sure, or feels I’m not the right one, please tell me now.”
Michelle: “Yes. Please do. Because I am sorry this happened. I’m sorry my beloved is hurting right now and Roz will rue the day…RUE THE DAY…that she brought pain to his heart.”
Ali nurses a headache with wine.
Vienna smears her mascara under her eyes.
Tenley talks about how she knows deception is hurtful.
Ella hopes Jake doesn’t put up a wall as a result of these findings.
Jake longingly looks at Roz’s picture in the Pier One Bureau room. I wanted him to smash the picture, but he just turns it over. At least he could have drawn a moustache and colored in some teeth. Oh well.
Jake apologizes for the short cocktail party and admits that he just wants this night to be over with and forget it ever happened. He announces that he knows his soul mate is still in the room. Michelle smiles knowingly.
Roses are given to:
Christina and Flight Attendant Ashley are sent home. Tenley cries. Christina hears laughter during her exit video and starts crying. She knows for a FACT that there are girls there who didn’t come to find wings of love.
Next week we have Vienna bragging about her date and someone leaving the house before the rose ceremony. Loving the drama!
Sorry for the late post! As always I’m,
All about the shame, not the fame,
This reminds the Panda of those glorious days when impossibly hot IHGB babes were fighting over me during “Big Pimping” Ahhh, those were the days.
Did anyone pick up on the comment Jake made when he and Ali were at the private Chicago concert? Something like “I’ve never done anything like this before! This is so awesome!” Uhmm.. excuse me, Jake – did you already forget your private Martina McBride concert with your beloved Jilly?
Wait – great recap so far (as always) but was it a mistake that you called Jake “Jason” when talking about the photo shoot with Samantha Jones??
Another excellent recap, Lincee! Thanks for bringing laughter to my Tuesday.
Karen, that was one of many annoying lines coming out Jake’s mouth last night. Another cringe-worthy moment was when Jake was talking with Gia, just before another woman interrupted them, and Jake asked, “Where is your heart right now?” What kind of question is that? “Um, between my lungs?”
Roz’s shoes didn’t seem to fit well as she was taking the “walk of shame”…..I will be anxoius to read Chris’ blog recap! And why couldn’t she lift her own bright orange suitcase on to the bed?
oh Lincee…needed this laugh as usual.
—OHCH: “Look here Missy. No one is judging your positions. By the way, you are very bendy. Kudos to you. But that’s not the point. The point is that you are welcome to be with him. He’s waiting for you on the roof of the Shangri Lai. Don’t let the van door hit you on the way out.”
OHCH: “That’s right. Losers ride in the van. Now pack it up!”
Roz: This wasn’t deceitful. It just happened.”
OHCH: “Twelve times, but who’s counting.”—
I LOVED seeing the big scary bouncer dude watching over her packing. Not helping much, mind you, but watching as if expecting the ‘staffer’ to be hidding somewhere in her 19 bags luggage. I think he liked his job that night to say the least!
BTW…lots of ‘crazy eyes’ on these girls.
‘hiding’…not ‘hidding’. i’m a teacher for goodness sake…fingers just got going too quickly
Was anyone else grossed out with the location where Jake hid the rose he gave to Roz? I’m just saying, if that was the only way to hide it from her…then, it didn’t need to be hidden.
Lincee, great re-cap as always! I don’t know how you do it but each new blog is better than the one before! My favorite line of this blog is….referring to Michelle…”She starts shaking uncontrollably in a fit of satisfaction as the others jerk the necklace off. Then she sits in a dark corner, stroking an imaginary cat muttering something about, “My precious.”” Quite possibly your best quote ever!!!
I have just a few thoughts on this weeks episode I want to throw out there too!
1- If I was Roz, I might take a moment to think about accepting the rose from Jake that was just nestled between his butt cheeks! Not sure what he was thinking there.
2- Why in the world would the show producers present an incredible diamond necklace as a “clue” about Ali’s one on one date, making her think that she needs to dress in formal attire only to be forced to ride a motorcycle & run across a field just to mention a few obstacles on her date? Why not offer a pair of riding goggles or running shoes? I felt for her all night as she had to fight with her cute little dress.
3- Last but not least, did Roz’s dress for her FINAL cocktail party remind anyone of a majorette uniform circa 1960? The only thing she was missing was a baton and marching boots!
Jodee, thank you for mentioning the ‘crazy eyes’. Seriously scary..a few bunny cookers in this group for sure. I really like Ali the best (as of now) and I felt bad that she had to do this crazy date in a cocktail dress. I didn’t understand where the diamonds came into this date at all, but she was a trooper!
Did Ella leave any of her son’s favorite things with him??
Why does Ali only wear yellow dresses??
Wonder who wasn’t going to get a rose but ended up getting Roz’s?!?!
Oh, Elizabeth . . . you’re beautiful, but horrible. Really? THAT MUCH of a tease? And he can’t see it?? REALLY??? *sigh*
He can’t possibly like that . . . then again, he was drawn to Roz’s, ummm, mystery, was it? Ahh, yes, her mystery. She moves in mysterious ways, alright!
Wonder if Roz will be invited to the WTA or AFR shows?! Or will she be banished into Bachelor oblivion like ‘he who must not be named.’
oohh, don’t you think THEY’D make a lovely pair?!?!
Lincee, you rock, as always. Laugh-out-loud funny! I truly believe YOU have a huge role in the 15.5 million viewers the season premier enjoyed last week . . . you should be on ABC’s payroll.
p.s. TEAM ALI!
This show is getting more and more rehearsed as the seasons go on. I’ll still watch, but man! It hasn’t been “reality” for such a long time!
Great post! My favorite part was definitely the
P a few lines!
Is it just me or is Jake an awkward kisser?
Yes! #9 and #10! I totally thought “eww – that rose stem was just in his butt crack – how romantic”!! Kinda fitting in hind sight though (pun intended! 😉
Glad Roz is gone, but I’m sure we’ll see her face plastered on alot of magazine covers for a while, which is probably the real reason she did the show anyway! And last thing about her – for a model, she sure couldn’t walk in those shoes!
I can’t STAND Elizabeth! She’s a little game-player – hope it backfires.
I love Ali – at first I really liked Tenley, but she is pretty “fragile”.
Thanks for the great recap Lincee – always worth the wait. I love this crazy, meaningless show!
Loved your recap! Am a fan from your email days. Voted for your blog! Good luck!