Bachelor Pad Recap: MOTORIN’ !!!
Ah the ’80s. It was a time when grown adults wore skin-tight acid washed jeans, shredded at the knee. We sprayed at least half a can of Aqua Net on our permed bangs to reach maximum height for head banging. The gloves were both fingerless and lace while the t-shirts were dayglow. Mike Fleiss spent roughly 90 minutes of last night’s episode paying homage to the greatest decade ever. Sadly, other than Blakeley, the remaining contestants weren’t even alive during the ’80s to truly appreciate the moment. But that didn’t stop them from attempting to be totally awesome to the max. Too bad they all gagged me with a spoon instead. Welcome to week seven of Bachelor Pad!
There were four couples left and Our Host Chris Harrison was no longer playing around. He arrived at the mansion in a fisherman’s shirt. Luckily, it was a perfect match to the crystal blue of his eyes and he was immediately forgiven for his random wardrobe choice. He led the contestants out to the swimming pool area where swings were dangling from a rod above the deep end. The game was simple: answer a trivia question correctly. If you didn’t, your partner would have one of four strings cut from his/her swing. Once all four strings were cut, they had to hold on to a bar for as long as they could before they fell in the water below. The last to fall did NOT get a rose on behalf of their couple, but DID get to kick someone off at that moment. [cue dramatic music.] Rachel claimed that she didn’t know anything about The Bachelor franchise history, so she took her seat with the rest of the boys high above the deep end.
Apparently Blakeley was too busy waxing and Hooter-ing to tune in to seasons other than her own, and before you knew it, Tony was hanging by the bar barely holding on. Nick was just as clueless and Rachel was taking the plunge soon after. Ed quickly followed suit and we learn Sarah watched too much television since Chris sat chill and dry the entire competition. Naturally, it took the dynamic duo approximately 20 seconds to decide that Blakeley and Tony would be the unlucky couple to take that rejection limo ride home, but not before Chris lectured each of the remaining contestants on how two-faced and awful they all were for not having his back. Tony followed a devastated Blakeley into her rejection limo and vowed to love, cherish and honor her as long as she’ll have him. She looked bored.
Jaclyn felt that the house had been under a lot of pressure and they deserved some sort of reward for being the final six remaining in the competition. Instead, Harrison decided to put on the ugliest blazer (I’m quite confident he must have lost a bet) and instructed the contestants to get pumped because they were about to sing in front of a live audience.
Harrison: “Not only are you going to perform in front of thousands of people, you’re going to sing one of the greatest rock anthems of all time!”
Sweet! Bon Jovi’s “Dead or Alive!” I can’t wait!
Instead, a familiar piano intro filled the arena and a bunch of old guys started singing “Sister Christian.” Not only did they sound like Night Ranger, they were Night Ranger. With a little Botox.
They built, and built, and build the melody leading up to the famous crescendo that we all know and love…and not one person yelled, “MOTORIN” like the rest of us did. This show makes me sad.
Each couple was given a vocal coach to try and relieve all six from extreme cases of tone deafness. All were abominably bad. So much so, that ABC decided to feature this embarrassing portion of the show for roughly 30 minutes. I spent most of the segment hiding behind my couch cushion trying to make the bad noises go away while my neighbor’s dog howled in confusion.
Rachel and Nick actually thought about the lyrics enough to Google their meaning and learned that this is a story about a brother and sister. Their performance, albeit inaudible, actually had choreography, audience reaction and appropriate gyration that didn’t make the viewer feel oogy. Ed and Jaclyn were the exact opposite. When Jaclyn botched the opening lyrics, she asked the band to start over, which they did not. I stood up and clapped at that part of the show. Instead of winging it, they decided to simulate sex on the stage by dry humping anything standing still, including the microphone stand. Chris and Sarah were hardly better. He tried to get by using his pectoral muscles while she flapped around the stage in unforgiving turquoise pants. In the end, Night Ranger chose Nick and Rachel as the least offensive of the show, securing them the safety rose.
Money for Nothing
With the safety rose came the power to choose who got to go with them to the final round to win $250,000. Nick immediately dragged Rachel off to convince her that Sarah and Chris had to get the vote, because everyone hated them and they had a better chance of winning if they are on stage with them at the end. However, Rachel bawled over the fact that she had an alliance with Jaclyn and she was supposed to take her to the end. Nick simply asked if she was there for friendship or money. She hemmed and hawed as he pulled her out to the driveway to “get this over with” before announcing that Ed and Jaclyn would be going home.
All the girls began to ugly cry. Jaclyn sobbed into her hands as Ed just stood there. Rachel cried because she betrayed her best friend. And Sarah cried because she’s in the finals. The boys all high-fived each other before Ed sauntered into his limo as Jaclyn got into hers and cursed Rachel so much that it was one long beeeeeeeep in editing. Rachel regretted her decision and Jaclyn proclaimed that she was dead to her. Meanwhile, Nick, Chris and Sarah were toasting their great fortune in the sunken living room.
The finale is next week! Who do you think will win? Will Blakeley and Tony still be together? What about Kalon and Lindzi? Can Ed and Jaclyn convince others to not vote for Rachel and Nick? According to teasers, the Stag might be cheating on Rachel. SAY IT AIN’T SO!! What do y’all think? Sound off in the comment section!
Lincee, as usual, you make this freakshow funny. I didn’t see the episode but I’m glad now after reading your recap! I can totally visualize the “unforgiving turquoise pants” and Ed humping the mic stand! Super! Poor, poor Rachel…. What ya gonna do? She seems so out of her element here, which speaks well for her I think:)
I already have Sister Christian in my head this morning…last night’s singing was atrocious!
Can’t stand Jaclyn!
This episode was so oddly entertaining to me (making them all sing was BRILLIANT, I say!).
However, how can I possibly trust OHCH again when he uses the words “most, greatest and ever”?? Sister Christian is the greatest and most beloved rock anthem EVER? Really?? 🙂
I was glad to see the birds made an appearance again…along with some doped up squirrels.
The dry humping, oh my eyes will never recover. and jaclyn is still in 7th grade emotionally. What would she have done to Rachel if she was in the finals . . . let Rachel win because they are friends? No, I don’t think so. Jaclyn, honey friendship is not a one way street. It is a contest, nuff said.
I think I threw up a little in my mouth — about a dozen times! Lincee, I don’t know how you do this week after week; you ROCK.
Jaclyn was totally inappropriate in her reaction to Rachel – it IS a game… to be made is one thing, but to say she’s dead to her – too dramatic for me! I sure hope it’s editing and Rachel is yelling at Nick or someone else, and not Michael. I will say he hasn’t mentioned her again on his recap blog, though.
i think the previews were edited to look like the stag is a jerk and dumping rachel. i think her comments are about chris so people don’t vote to give him the $. i think michael’s comment about not coming on the show to find a wife is followed by a proposal. that’s why the audience is in “shock!” i did not read any spoilers this season so this is just my humble opinion. thoughts?
While I totally agree that Chris is a dill-hole…does Blakeley believe she was any better? She was just as sneaky as he was and tried numerous times to get him voted off. I don’t blame Chris one bit for booting her.
And did you notice in the limo there was not one REAL tear shed that I could see from her? Just a lot of pouting trying to get sympathy. Didn’t work! I felt bad for Tony….guilt by association.
I agree with Janice and Stacy….All I could think about was what a bad friend Jaclyn was being with her reaction for expecting Rachel to basically give her and Ed the money by taking them with them to the finals. It only makes sense the way Nick and Rachel did it if they wanted to win. Well, unless Jaclyn agreed to give Rachel half of her share or something…what a brat.
I wish Nick had said in his little speech to Jaclyn “we are taking Chris and Sarah because we believe more of the cast members who will be voting dislike them more than you and Ed”. Just tell the truth and let Jaclyn see that it wasn’t because Nick and Chris’ friendship trumped hers and Rachel’s…
And, OMG every one of them was a horrific singer. How could they all be so tone deaf? Rachel was by far the least bad even with her raspy voice. I hear Ed and Jaclyn are saying they got a terrible edit…doesn’t surprise me.
I feel bad for Tony. I don’t think Blakely is into him but he’s trying so hard. She was waaaay too upset to be leaving.
I think Rachel and Nick made the best decision for themselves as well…you know Ed and Jaclyn would have won if they made it to the finale. I kind of think that Chris and Sarah might win because Rachel and Nick were thrown together and Jaclyn hates them. I think that people will see Nick as undeserving because he didn’t really do anything to deserve being there. That’s what people thought about Graham and Michelle, remember?
I think Blakely was upset because she sees the show as her only chance to get a significant financial leap forward in her life. I can understand her feelings but these other people who are younger and probably better educated amaze me. Take $250K, halve it, halve that again for taxes and how much are you left with? Is it worth the damage to your personal and professional reputation that appearing on this show could do?
Awww, this week’s blog was short. The singing was so so so so so so bad, though I think with some training Rachel could sound great with her raspy voice and a guitar.
Please NO ONE LOOK AT THE SPOILERS FOR THE FINALE. I did and REGRET IT, because next week it really will be the most mindblowing dramatic disturbing Bachelor Pad finale ever! I can’t wait to read Lincee’s column next week!
Nick is smart. These Bachelor Pad Jr. High minded nut jobs would have voted for Ed in the finale because he’s the most “popular” and they know that Jaclyn would have pulverized them in her slam book if they didn’t vote for her.
I agree with Ruby25! What a bunch of immature losers on this show!! None of them “deserve” to win but I’m glad it’s Nick, who was under the radar the whole show. Anyone who wouldn’t do what he did by getting rid of the couple most likely to take votes from him and Rachel is just stupid! But this whole show is ridiculous; I haven’t watched it for the last 3 episodes and I feel better about myself!!! But I’ll never give up Lincees great recaps!!