I was just about to drown my Bachelor watching party withdrawals in a half gallon tub of Bluebell ice cream, when I remembered that Sean was going to be sashaying across the Dancing With the Stars ballroom floor. Saving a couple of hundred calories from showing up on my haunches tomorrow morning, I opted for an orange and tuned in to ABC instead.

Oh. My. Goodness.

And not in a Roberto kind of way, I’m sorry to report.

Yes, he’s trying hard and yes, he’s overcompensating by being adorkable which is totally fine with me. But no matter what Gloria Estefan claimed back in 1987, the rhythm was not interested in getting Sean. I think this his rhythm was embarrassed that he was wearing a red sequined jacket and was carrying a lone rose as he wandered aimlessly in a CGI-induced pinball machine before the vocal stylings of Huey Lewis and the News were “enhanced” by the live band’s version of “Power of Love.”

Get it? Cross promotion people. There’s a Disney Channel darling too!

An up-close-and-personal shot of pro Peta Murgatroyd breaking down the physicality behind your basic pelvic swivel and thrust was pretty special. In a Jake Pavelka kind of way. He cracked jokes and shoved a few honeymoon innuendos into the conversation, but I could tell that this was going to be a disaster at best.

It started of great! A few side-to-side hand snaps, reminiscent of the Jackson 5, and I found myself smiling! An impressive back bend thing where Sean catches Peta’s neck and I began rooting for the guy!

That was followed by an unfortunate hands behind the head hip thrust eight-count as the fiery Aussie shimmied around his buttocks squeezing to the beat and I began to relinquish my enthusiasm in favor of hiding behind the couch cushion that had been placed in my lap for such an emergency.

We’re literally 15 seconds when he pretended to comb his hair back like Kenickie during “Greased Lightning.”

Faux-Huey breaks it down in the slow part of the song as Peta and Sean foxtrot across the dance floor. I’m again reminded of how HUGE this guy is and am proud of Peta’s restraint not to make him go topless in week one.

The middle part contained an action sequence in which the dynamic pair channel Johnny Castle and Penny during their pro dance at Kellerman’s. It was supposed to look a little something like this:

Let’s just say that they get an “E” for effort.

Next Peta touched his junk while he grinded on her leg. It was no accident that the camera cut to Catherine watching in the audience at that exact same moment. That exchange was followed by some legit throwing of gang signs, a little more trotting and a dramatic dip at the end.

Kensington and Smith are very proud of Uncle Seany. The Lowes would prefer a bit more neon next week. I have just voted 10 times because I support Our Host Chris Harrison.

Did y’all watch? What did you think? Is Kellie Pickler totally going to win because she’s just so real and fun? Did anyone else have the Dorothy Hamil haircut like me in first grade? Do I really look like Wynonna?