Walk like an Egyptian

And they really did walk like Egyptians.  So very, very awkward.  And a little sad too.

That’s right people.  Chelsie knew that Jake didn’t have the chutzpah to pull off a rugged and manly Indiana Jones character in last night’s “story” dance.  His “oh” and “ah” faces forced her to take the lead and get all Cleopatra on his asp.

It’s actually pretty comical to watch the pair rehearse.  You can see that Chelsie is trying to be her normal, cute self, but there is something about Jake that grates on her ever living nerves.  And with that, his typical Bachelor charms do not work on her.  He flashes a grin.  She rolls her eyes.  He cracks a dorky joke.  She raises an eyebrow in protest.

But Jake claims he has been bitten by the dancing bug.  As Chelsie pushes him to learn the steps, he becomes frustrated.  And poor Jakey can’t learn when he’s frustrated.

Chelsie:  “You’re not getting the steps.”

Jake:  “It’s too hard.”

Chelsie:  “I’m going to push you.  It’s not too hard.  But I need to see progress.”

Jake:  “I can’t learn while I’m stressed.”

Jake grabs his commemorative Bachelor water bottle and storms out the door yelling for the ABC intern.  We hear crickets chirping.  Jake becomes confused and starts roaming around the dance studio yelling, “HARRISON!  CHRIS HARRISON!  I NEED TO TALK TO YOU!”

The camera man explains to him that Chris Harrison is not in the building.  Jake quickly takes out his phone, hits speed dial one and waits for Harrison to answer.

OHCH:  “Yo Jake.  What up my man?”

Jake:  “Hey Chris.  I have a problem.”

OHCH:  “Sorry dude.  Your contract specifically states that you have to keep dating Vienna until the end of the summer.  I know she’s a bit on the annoying side, but you have so much to distract you right now with your new Dancing with the Stars gig.  Try hitting on that ESPN chick.  She’s hot.  Or you could…”

Jake:  “No Chris.  I’m calling about Chelsie.  She’s being weird.  She never smiles.  She hasn’t taken me to a hot tub yet.  And she didn’t even laugh at my Cleopatra joke.”

OHCH:  “Dont’ tell me…formaldehyde?”

Jake:  “It was funny Chris.  You weren’t there.”

OHCH:  “Calm down.  What do you want me to do about it?”

Jake:  “I’d like to send her home and give my rose to Anna.  She seems really nice.  And I know Lacey isn’t technically a pro this year, but I saw her doing a pro dance and she makes kissy faces to the camera.  You know how I like kissing.”

OHCH:  “I’ll see what I can do buddy.  Why don’t you go back to Chelsie and ask her to give you your stones back?”

Jake:  “Okay.  Thanks.  Will you be in the audience?”

OHCH:  “Maks and Tony have invited me to the bar after.  Of course I’ll be there.”

Jake turns around to find Chelsie staring at him with disgust.  He hangs his head and slowly marches up the stairs.

Jake:  “Sometimes when you talk to me, I feel disrespected.”

Chelsie:  “I’m calling Ty Murray to whip you into shape.  This is ridiculous.”

Fortunately, Chelsie arranged for the traveling King Tut exhibit to prop her entire dance.  And there was enough smoke to cover some pretty pathetic foot work.  In the end, she shut Jake up in a tomb and fought the urge to run off stage and into the sunset.  You go Chelsie.

Of course, the judges loved the production but hated the dance.

When in the Celebrity Dome, Brook asked Jake how important it is to trust your pro?  Jake answered (for the second week in a row) that communication is imperative.  And Chelsie stared at the camera blankly.

For the record:

– Evan and Anna are my favorite couple.  “Speak with a thick Russian accent.”

– Ocho is a doll.  Can’t dance for anything, but the flirting with Cheryl makes for fun rehearsal footage.

– Maks blind folded Erin.  Later, she handcuffed him.  HEY OH!

– Isn’t it funny how the producers tried to get us to believe that the Pussy Cat Doll didn’t know how to dance or count music?  Hilarious!

It’s your turn!  Who are you rooting for?  Did you get the vibe that Chelsie is totally done with Jake?  Were you as excited to see Dmitry as I was?  Does Kate make you want to drive nail through your eye balls?  Or do you fast forward through her like I do and then get a little sad that you missed Tony?

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April 6, 2010 11:00 am

This was priceless, Lincee! I love it.
And I can’t stand Jake anymore. I used to actually think he was decent, but now see it was an act.
In the past 5-6 weeks, he has raised sooooo many red flags making me think he might be abusive. I would never accept a final rose from him!!!!

April 6, 2010 11:14 am

Lincee, thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for bringing some levity and humor into this waste of a season. I cannot get on board with most of these celebrities. I was so excited to see some of the old pros again (Dmitry, Lacey – YAY!) Then I have to suffer through Jake’s cheesy quick step (ya know, I really want to be pulling for him but he’s too obnoxious now.) Did anybody see him nod “knowingly” when Kate (gag, gag, gag) talked about all the paparazzi in her life? Hey Kate! Newsflash!! You signed up for that when you agreed to do a TV show and exploit your 8 kids. Enough!! And Jake, you are such a media whore that you love every minute of every ounce of publicity you can get.

OK…got THAT off my chest. 🙂

Kate is just awful. I can’t believe she’s still here. Tony, bless his heart, acts like he really likes her. Wish I could sit down over a Scotch with him and get the real scoop.

If memory serves me right, Cheryl didn’t like Ocho at first, but the flirting now is very cute.

Given all the Erin has been through, is anybody else vaguely uncomfortable watching all the blindfolding and handcuffing?

Chelsie is WAY done with Jake. I can almost see the smoke coming off the TV screen. And when he tossed that “disrespectful” comment out there, I flinched bigtime.

Evan and Anna are dolls. It’s totally between these two and Nicole/Derek.

Where oh where is Chris Harrison when you need him the most?

April 6, 2010 12:02 pm

I only caught the first few couples last night, but saw enough to be totally underwhelmed with Jake (poor Chelsie) and to determine that Evan and Anna are the bomb…I love them! The DVR fast forward definitely needs to work overtime when watching this show.

Lori H
Lori H
April 6, 2010 1:46 pm

Haven’t watched it yet – can’t wait to see it now! Lincee, you crack me up!

April 6, 2010 1:49 pm

I totally agree with everything you said, Lincee. You can just see how fed up Chelsie is with rose-man and I’m sure she can’t wait to get the heck out of this season. He’s just “full of himself” as my mother would say. At least they didn’t pan to Sausage as much last night.

Poor Kate — reminds me of a robot when she dances. Len (I think it was him) hit it on the head when he said she “walked” through the dance. She has absolutely no dancing talent at all and I think she needs to quit embarassing herself and hope for a quick elimination.

Derek and Nicole are so good they could hit the road with their act and make money.

Evan and Anna are precious together and they have my vote to win. Love Buzz, but I just hope he doesn’t hurt himself before being eliminated. Love Brooke, too. So much better than Samantha.

April 6, 2010 2:11 pm

There is something about Jake that grates on my ever living nerves too, and I only have to experience him from the couch.

I have been telling my wife he is a d-bag for a long time (since season Jillian). Last night, I think he proved it for me. What a d-bag… Chelsea disrespecting him because she isn’t fawning on him. Give me a break.

April 6, 2010 2:30 pm

I can’t get over Pam Anderson’s white interview chair and soft lighting. It cracks me up.

April 6, 2010 2:42 pm

Nailed it all. Kate should go next. The celebrities gets paid the same no matter when they get eliminated so move it along and get home to the kids.

April 6, 2010 3:06 pm

Jake and Chelsie’s dance was just as cheesy as Jake himself. I can’t stand the funny faces he makes. His tough guy attitude just comes off as whiney. The expression on Kate’s face reminded me of the Kardasian girls.

April 6, 2010 3:40 pm

Oh dear…fast forwarded through Buzz and Kate…and most of the comments from the judges and the celebraquarium comments with Brooke. What a dull episode. I cracked up that Jake said Chelsie was disrespecting him, but LOVED her response. She slapped him with her “I’m sorry you feel that I am disrespecting…” or something to that effect. She knows she is working with a diva and and won’t tolerate Jakeass going all whiney on her. So sorry that she got stuck with such a dud.

April 6, 2010 4:28 pm

I was making my dinner and was in the kitchen when I heard Jake say…”I feel like you’re disrespecting me”. I had to immediately drop my butter knife and run in to rewind that part. Then I screamed at the TV “OH NO YOU DIDN’T Jake!” What cheese a$$. Poor cute, adorable Chelsie. I’m sure she is missing Ty right about now.

Kate and Jake both need to go. They are both bouncing on my last nerve.

Final two: Evan and Anna and PC Doll and Derek.

Karen K
Karen K
April 6, 2010 4:50 pm

I was over Jakey when he first flung himself over the rail and had to come back to save Jilly from the evil country singing cow turd. He and Vienna can waltz right on out of here anytime now.

Kate makes my eyes bleed. She is as bad as Buzz but he’s about a million years older than she is. What’s her excuse?

My favorites are Anna and Evan. Just love them and hope they will.

Sorry Nicole, Not buying what you are trying to sell. Next thing she will be trying to convince us she is really uncomfortable wearing teensy tiny little strips of fabric, has never flung her hair around before and is not used to dancing in a sexual manner. Sorry Kitty Kat Doll…not buying it. Meow.

April 6, 2010 8:39 pm

Love it that everyone thought the same thing. I thought I bet Chelsei would give anything for Ty to walk through the door and kick Jakes sorry whiney butt. I hope Tenley is watching thinking wow, i dodged a bullet with that one. Poor Chelsie looks so fed up.
Poor Buzz, he moves stiffly but he is 80. He reminds me of my dad and his WW2 buddies so I am probably prejudice but I loved him. I would still rather watch him than Kate or Jake.
My favs are Erin and Evan. The pussycat doll just seems like another pro so its hard to really enjoy her.

April 7, 2010 4:25 am

Jake is being such a cheese ass!! I’m so mortified (for him? his family? Bachelor fans everywhere?) as I watch the way he talks to Chelsie. I can tell she hates his guts. Watching Jake whine makes me miss Ty Murray, too…loved that guy.

Evan is my fav too. Kate is a train wreck. I like Erin, but I agree with FOPCgal that given her recent…events…it is uncomfortable to watch the blindfolding etc. And everyone else is kind of boring!

Thank god Buzz was mercifully booted off. It seemed way too disrespectful to have a historical icon like him dressing up in sequins and stumbling around that ballroom.

April 7, 2010 5:56 am

You got it Lincee! hahaha… LOVED your little recap! I do get the feeling that Chelsie just can’t stand him. Makes me wonder what he is really like, cause I kind of think she’s a cool chick. Wonder if he’s just being a tool with her… or the fame is getting to his head! (or maybe troubles at home with Vienna? Was she in the audience this week, I didn’t see her?)

I am still LOVING Erin Andrews! I thought she was fantastic again this week. I found the dance sexy, graceful and slightly kinky?? haha!

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