Bachelor Clayton Recap | Women Tell All

If you’ve been around this website for a hot minute, you know that watching Women Tell All has never been at the top of my list of things I enjoy doing. However, because I love you people and am a professional, I prepared myself for a night of hysterical antics by watching dramatic clips of Real Housewives on YouTube and reading negative book reviews on my Amazon author page. 

That should help me grow a thick skin, right? That should help ease my mind into 114 minutes of griping, complaining, and shrieking, you think?

Nope. Mission not accomplished. I did not pass with flying colors. I totally counted my chickens before they hatched. I spent the entire night shouting ridiculous things at my television, which I will now share as a clever way to fill you in on all of the boring details you don’t technically need to know but are so eager to receive. 

“I’ll believe it when I see it.”

Uncle Jesse graces our screen, and I laugh at the tag under his name, which reads “Not Clayton Echard.” But, once proper kudos is given to the person who runs the overlay department at ABC, I hear Uncle Jesse confidently share that this is the most dramatic finale in Bachelor history. 

“Words! Words! Words!”

I couldn’t understand one thing said in the first five minutes of the show between Genevieve, Sierra, Shanae, That Unrecognizable Girl, Katie, and Hunter screaming over and at each other. 

“He’s lost all control.”

Uncle Jesse lacks the ability, desire, or stamina to control the women sitting before him. They don’t even register his noble attempt to get them to shut their traps.

“Awww. She’s so classy.”

Remember Cassie had a bigger crush on Lizzie McGuire than she did on Clayton? She claims that she never said anything ugly about the other girls, and the phrase “game on, b*tches” is a term of endearment. Also, if she’s getting a piece on the side, and it’s good, why wouldn’t she invite her Netflix buddy to stay on the line until she gets back from a small stint on a relatively popular reality TV show?

“How many times can one person be called the b-word?”

Everyone hates Shanae. Even women you don’t know (I’m looking at you, Kira) have strong feelings about Shanae’s personality. F-bombs drop left-and-right and not once, but thrice did a former contestant feel the need to explain to the viewing audience that Shanae’s audacity to compare herself to the great Meryl Streep equaled a heinous crime. 

“Why is Genevieve raising her hand?”

It seems this is the only way Gen can get a word in edgewise since Uncle Jesse has lost all control of the panel. 

“She’s the smartest one of the bunch.”

When Shanae is in the hot seat, she reminds everyone that Elizabeth is a toxic woman who is the definition of two-faced. Houston Lyndsey (with the foulest of all the mouths) reminds Shanae that it should matter if Elizabeth pretended to be her friend or not. Shanae didn’t come to make friends REMEMBER!? Touché!

“Remind me who Aaron is again?”

Uncle Jesse recreates the infamous two-on-one with Shanae and Genevieve, inviting them both to share the hot seat. We learn that Shanae has a secret. She knows why Genny didn’t go home grieving the loss of her boyfriend when Clayton rejected her in Vienna. It’s because she’s been hooking up with Aaron Clancy. 

NAME DROP! 

You know Aaron Clancy from the “Aaron and James” bromance from Bachelor in Paradise. So even though Genevieve denies any hanky panky, he did slide into her DMs, and they did meet at a bar. Is it true? Time will tell. Also, I don’t care.

“I don’t understand why this matters?”

Young Sarah did a great job not opening her mouth when all hell breaks loose on the panel. She simple blinks her big eyes and looks innocent. When on the hot seat, she manufactures big crocodile tears. SHE WAS IN LOVE, PEOPLE!

However, no one cares if she was there for the right reasons or not. The sticky point with this gaggle of crazy ladies is if Clay-en cried during his one-on-one with Sarah. It’s crucial that we get to the bottom of this necessary detail. PS: The Forum of Clayton’s Former Girlfriends asks Sarah to talk to the hand and decide they will ask Clay-en when he comes out if he cried or not.

Again, I have no idea why this matters or what it means. 

“She said Clayton!”

Teddi is sad about Clayton. I was ecstatic that she pronounced the “T” sound in his name!

We know Teddi is sad because Uncle Jesse performs a mock therapy session while Teddi is on the hot seat. The good news is that Teddi is ready for love. The unfortunate news is that Clayton’s brother has reached out to Teddi to see if she’s interested in another Echard brother. Her answer is a hard pass. 

“I hope they revisit Roland in Serene’s walk down Memory Lane.”

They do! And he’s still wonderful.

“His hair looks like Joey McIntyre circa 1985.”

Bless Clayton’s hair. And wardrobe. Also, I should point out that no one looks happy to see him. 

Clayton doesn’t look thrilled to be there, either. And that’s not because Sierra is yelling at him. He feels he could have handled a lot of things differently. Mistakes were made. Regret is something he can’t admit. One woman suggests that he confuses love and lust. 

But it was Sarah who was on the receiving end of a well-rehearsed monolog. Clayton did not like that so many women he trusted all had the same story about Sarah — that she thought she had it in the bag. She does her best to come out smelling like a rose. Instead, she smells like last night’s shrimp plate still rotting outside of Shanae’s hotel door. 

“So it’s Serene’s fault you fell in love with three women?”

Clayton tells Uncle Jesse he was “crushed” when watching Serene’s final date. She thinks that he kicked her to the curb because she finally said, “I love you.” It was not. Serene’s ability to dig deep, break down her walls, and say YES to falling in love on a random show with little success made Clayton want to open up even more to the remaining three ladies. At that moment, he decided to NOT hold back with Gabby, Susie, and Rachel. 

“Is this the slutty doctor woman?”

Kira, who you don’t remember, was verbal all night long. She also tells Clayton that if he didn’t get with anyone at the end of this journey, she’s happy to go out with him once it’s all blown over. 

“Aw, man. Those were as pitiful as the season has been.”

I’m talking about the bloopers. The most exciting thing worth showcasing was a series of bug-related incidents and scares. Plus, three women don’t know the difference between a meerkat, a possum, and an armadillo. 

“This is ominous.”

A few women admitted to “knowing things” and “what goes down” and feel bold enough to ask him if he’s okay. Is ABC trying to trick us? Or is this really the most dramatic finale of all seasons?

And why does Uncle Jesse say that he “still doesn’t know” how it ends? Does that mean that it hasn’t technically ended? Because Clayton either doesn’t choose anyone or is left by all the women? 

I would say inquiring minds want to know, but I don’t care at this point. Bring on Roland as the new bachelor!