Bachelor Joey Recap | Season 28 | Episode 6

Hello, everyone. Je m’appelle Claude and I have officially reached the nervous status of our boy Joey. Has the Bachelor ever cried this early in a season because of all the feels he’s feeling? I know I’m the one who has been recapping this show for twenty-plus seasons, but I think that the forlorn pending angst typically hits our lead right around hometowns. This is TOO EARLY!

Poor Joey has to take a beat. He’s forced to sit down on a bench in the middle of a gorgeous park somewhere in Canada and think about his future, since he’s falling for multiple women. He’s his biggest critic and is deathly afraid of someone not accepting him for who he is as a person.

Welcome to being a human, Joey. It sometimes sucks!

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER

The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. You probably aren’t even reading this because the simple disclaimer has been a part of my recap since the days I emailed this puppy to just a few of my closest friends. HA! Fooled you. You’ve skipped this amusing mockery and will not know what in the world your friends are talking about when they say, “Did you like the new disclaimer Lincee wrote?” However, if you or someone on Instagram happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying leftover Valentine’s Day candy or have an Orange Theory instructor who looks exactly like one of the bachelorettes on the show…none of this is personal. I’m sure they are all lovely people.

I will say that a French-speaking Jesse Palmer is my favorite Jesse Palmer. And the fact that he makes these women go on a scavenger hunt to find Joey is a little dirty. Especially when he confiscates the only French speaker of the group with the promise of a future one-on-one date.

The girls fumble their way through the city, finally finding Joey near a souvenir stand. Maple shots all around! Canadian flags for everyone! Enjoy your stuffed moose!

After a quick game of street hockey (what?), the group breaks for snack time at Uncle Jesse’s favorite restaurant. The chef introduces the group to the phenom that is poutine. He simply takes a bowl full of French fries, plops on some white cheese curds, and slathers the entire dish with brown gravy. Don’t knock it until you try it.

The girls have the same reaction that they had during the KFC pool party. They don’t know what to do with Canadian junk food, so they gingerly pick at the crispier pieces of the fries and desperately try to recall if cheese curds are in any way healthy.

Jenn takes a different approach. She asks the famous five-star chef for some mango and chocolate sauce and lovingly dumps those ingredients on top of her fries. Giggling, she tries to get Joey to taste her masterpiece, and he obliges. He hates it but thinks Jenn is super fun for going with the poutine flow.

Slowly but surely, the other seven women on this date begin to feel inadequate that Joey is obsessed with Jenn and her exotic concoction. Dread fills the room and follows them all out into the street, where an accordion player insists they all dance around Joey in a circle. If you look closely, you can see tiny little clouds over each of their heads.

Joey is not afraid to call a spade a spade, and when he walks in on the cocktail party that night, he senses a disturbance in the force. Joey looks around into the teary eyes of all the women squished into the cushions of two love seats and admits that he is feeling the awkward rippling off of the contestants, and he’s befuddled by what could have possibly happened when Maria isn’t in the building to his knowledge.

But the show must go on, and it trudges forward for three more hours as Joey listens intently to every woman there share how hard it is for them to watch Joey form a connection with another woman. The girls air their grievances as Joey wipes away stray tears and assures them they are worthy of his time.

AND THEN THERE WAS LEXI

Lexi is a great gal. We know this because she let Katelyn borrow her dress! And we also know that Lexi is super smart and logical. So it should surprise no one that instead of telling Joey that she is falling for him, Lexi chooses to ask Joey what his plans are for marriage and fatherhood. Lexi has some reproductive issues, and she needs a timeline. A general one will do.

The good news is that Joey has a timeline. He is happy to celebrate a two-to-three-year engagement before getting married and then wait another two years before he has kids because he wants some alone time with his wife.

Lexi is a pro at math and her demeanor quickly deflates when she realizes that it’s going to be five years before she even has a shot at kids. And since she’s practically a dust bag at the ripe age of 31, this is a huge red flag.

Lexi is also a pro at being a reality show contestant. She thanks Joey for being open to her condition and praises him for showing her such grace and kindness when she shared her diagnosis in Malta. He beams at the compliments. She leaves, biting her bottom lip, contemplating if this is a deal breaker.

Joey has no idea that Lexi is wavering. Especially when he has Jenn’s tongue down his throat after she just confessed she is officially falling for him! Hooray!

Joey floats on Cloud Nine into the next room and is greeted by Jess, who is suffering from a one sided situationship. He listens as Jess complains about not having been granted a one-on-one date. Then he shifts when she musters up the courage to tell him that she is also falling! She tries to come up with a decent metaphor that combines her feelings with that one time they were alone together, tangled up on a canvas of paint. Something about yellow and blue making green? Or what a beautiful mess their lives could be?

Joey interrupts her before she compares his painted butt cheeks to a Rorschach and tells him that she sees a bride and groom walking down the aisle. He thanks Jess for falling for him, and then promptly asks her to fall right back out. He just doesn’t feel the same way, and it’s not fair to keep her in Canada when America is right there, and she can get on a plane tonight.

Jess cries and wonders what she could have done better. Joey smiles, wipes her tears, and puts her in the rejection limo before returning to the less-squished couches to give Jenn the date rose.

KELSEY T.
ONE-ON-ONE

Who wants to be an aerialist for a day in Cirque du Soleil?!

I’m telling you right now that if given the opportunity, neither Joey nor Kelsey would have raised their hand. Seriously. Kelsey looked equally terrified and bored. Joey looked fifty shades of green. No one had fun. And no one was featured that night at the Cirque du Soleil performance.

I’m sure ABC showrunners prepped Kelsey to compare their experience in the French circus to marriage. She could have waxed on about trusting your partner and the importance of being there for one another during life’s ups and downs.

Instead, we get constant nausea, nagging headaches, and an inability to hold onto your partner because the world is spinning so fast. That’s a different kind of marriage, let me tell you.

Fortunately, Joey’s vertigo subsides enough to have dinner with Kelsey, and she tells him that her feelings are getting deeper and deeper every day. Should this union land them in hometowns, though, her father may not be present.

Cue the ABC Intern making a quick phone call to Kelsey’s dad to make sure he is, indeed, available for a hometown date.

In short, Kelsey has a tumultuous relationship with her dad, and it has resulted in trust issues. Joey commends her for being resilient and strong and thanks her for sharing. Then he gives her the date rose as one of the Cirque du Soleil ladies hangs awkwardly over their dinner table in the middle of a church.

It was special.

MARIA
ONE-ON-ONE

Joey likes Maria. He really does. And I think it’s mostly because she is so carefree and willing to have a good time no matter what the circumstances may bring. In the first seconds of her jumping in the fancy car with Joey, this happened:

Maria: “Have you learned any French words?”
Joey: “No. It’s hard.”
Maria: “That’s what she said.”

OR…

Maria: “Are we jumping out of a plane?”
Joey: “Maybe.”
Maria: “I’d push you out.”
Joey: “I have zero doubts that would happen.”

This is why I find myself cheering for Maria. I’m accidentally smitten!

Joey takes her on the pseudo-Pretty Woman date, where she gets to pick out an evening gown among many racks. Ironically, she passes up the black one that would have made Morticia Adams jealous and settles for a rhinestone one that is slightly too big.

Then she tears up in the helicopter with Joey as they fly to their next destination. Why? Because he made her feel beautiful and special. Love it. Love the gown, love the shoes, love the attitude, love it.

At dinner, Maria shares that she is one hundred percent in this relationship and expects to be engaged at the end. She’s falling for Joey in ways she didn’t expect and is very happy. Joey tells Maria that he will do everything in his power to make her feel special and loved.

Is Maria going to win this this? Also, who is Feist?

AND THEN THERE WAS LEXI: PART 2

Lexi shimmies into her favorite black leather pants because when you break it off with someone, you have to show them you mean business by wearing your most intimidating outfit. Joey doesn’t seem to be surprised that she’s knocking on his door. He also doesn’t seem fazed when she tells him that she doesn’t have time to wait around for five years to have kids.

They both agree that they are on different timelines, and it would be best to go their separate ways. There were TONS of tears, but not out of Lexi or Joey’s ducts. Daisy and Maria were way more devastated at Lexi’s voluntary exit and promise to love and cherish her forever.

ROSE CEREMONY

With Jess’ departure and Lexi’s self-elimination, Joey starts the cocktail party off with a sad, sad toast. Instead of wishing for a night filled with fun and amazement, he announces that he is deathly afraid of this entire process and prays desperately for a wife at the end of this journey. His biggest fear is his love not being reciprocated. Cheers!

All of the women scrap their “pick me, choose me, love me” monologs and draft new ones that include sonnets and poems that are an ode to Joey. It’s game on. The time for pity parties has passed, and these women will go to the ends of the earth to prove that Joey is worthy!

Katelyn tells Joey that she admires his compassion and emotional intelligence. Lea commends him for being awesome. Daisy makes him rub her feet, which he did not look thrilled by, but still accomplished nonetheless. Jenn reminds him she’s falling hard for him and then takes him to play the piano in front of the other girls, and Rachel thanks him for the awkward serenade with Jenn.

He loved it.

I think that the girls probably thought they were all getting a rose based on the shock on their faces when the prop guy revealed that only three roses were left on the Home Depot pedestal. It didn’t take Joey long to send Lea and Katelyn on the same flight home as Lexi and Jess.

Now is when things get weird. Joey is in deep (enough) with the remaining women, and I think the next rose ceremony might do him in. If he was upset this week, who knows what his time in Jasper will bring.

Other than a lot of Instagram-worthy pics.