Bachelor Joey Recap: It’s Not Red Velvet
Bachelor Joey Recap | Season 28 | Episode 2
I apologize, dear reader, for not posting a recap last week. I was in Disney World, and time got away from me. I claim Disney magic and straight-up nostalgia as my excuses. I love that place!
Last week, the show began with a forlorn Joey beside the Proposal Pedestal™ weeping his way through what appears to be a tumultuous journey to find love. There was no filler background noise. No silly women shouting, “WE LOVE YOU, JOEY,” from the balcony of a famous resort. Uncle Jesse Palmer has no voiceover, promising Season 28 will be the most dramatic ever.
Then, episode two kicks off with a very disgruntled Lauren refusing the arrival of a small cake. The poor confectionery winds up smashed on the ground because its delectable insides aren’t made of red velvet. Who ruins a perfectly good white cake like that? Also, what is going on?!
Did anyone else check their DVR to see if they accidentally tuned in to live TV instead of the beginning? Was it just me? Why is Joey mopey? Did a bee sting Lauren’s lip? I’m so confused.
It seems ABC showrunners have tossed hyped intro packages out the window and have opted for disoriented cold opens. Presumably, we’re supposed to be lured into the drama of these incomprehensible snippets of storylines. Once I wrap my head around the fact that I’m not necessarily supposed to know what’s going on, I focus on more important things.
Like how good Joey’s hair looks compared to last year.
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. You probably aren’t even reading this because the simple disclaimer has been a part of my recap since the days I emailed this puppy to just a few of my closest friends. HA! Fooled you. You’ve skipped this amusing mockery and will not know what in the world your friends are talking about when they say, “Did you like the new disclaimer Lincee wrote?” However, if you or someone on Instagram happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying leftover Valentine’s Day candy or have an Orange Theory instructor who looks exactly like one of the bachelorettes on the show…none of this is personal. I’m sure they are all lovely people.
It’s move-in day! Jesse welcomes the women into the sunken living room, proud that they each followed the dress code of ripped jeans and neutral top. Color wheels are so yesterday. He pulls the date card out of his back pocket, drops it on the table, and heads back out to the courts to get some pro tips from our Bachelor.
Sydney reads a list of names who will be on the first group date before instructing them to “head to the other room to select the perfect dress for your wedding.” Ten girls scramble over each other to be the first to find their favorite silhouette as the other losers sulk from the doorway.
The women literally put on a wedding dress from a rack, slap on a veil, and crowd into two limos where the champagne flows freely. Immediately, Lauren starts crying because her father passed away a few months ago, and all of this wedding talk makes her realize that he won’t be there to walk her down the aisle. Let the record show that Maria tries to help her through this sudden burst of grief.
Maria, who is wearing tall black combat boots with her wedding dress. #scary
The girls spill out from their limos, buzzed from the bubbles, and meet Jesse and Joey both wearing tuxedos. Random people sit at round, decorated tables as if waiting for the bride(s) and groom to arrive at their wedding reception. ABC owned the sister-wife theme. Just go with it.
FIRST GROUP DATE
Jesse explains that the girls must go through a series of “reception activities” to see who will be chosen to share a “first dance” with Joey. That’s when Erika tells the world that she’s never been to a wedding before.
WHAT IS HAPPENING? WHAT AM I WATCHING? PLEASE SHOW ME MORE!
First up is bridal musical chairs. It’s exactly what you’re thinking in your head, but what you aren’t picturing is an athletic girl hurtling herself over a table with reckless abandon, with the hope that she lands head-first in the seat beside Joey. Evalin gets points for being able to clear a table in a full wedding gown. Unfortunately, when Lauren is literally right there when the music stops and is able to plop down in a seat, simple physics tells us that Evalin never stood a chance.
She will have a pretty sweet bruise to show Joey later, though. That has to count for something.
Sadly, Lauren can’t seem to get out of her funk. Her vibe is totally off, and her dear sister explains that only one thing can help in a time like this. Alcohol. Tequila, to be specific, makes everything better. Bartender, a round of margaritas, please!
Meanwhile, Jess and Joey bond over the left-handedness and dutifully kiss each other when the strangers at their fake wedding reception clink their glasses. If looks could kill, Taylor would be in jail for murder.
Rachel takes another approach. She decides to give a toast and shares with her fabricated friends and family that she fell in love with Joey because of his beautiful mind and kind heart. She acknowledges his past (cheers to the other ladies) and points to his future (herself), and follows it up with a sweet peck of a kiss.
Joey picks Rachel to be his first dance as fake husband and wife. And take if from me, there was C-H-E-M-I-S-T-R-Y. If I didn’t know better, I would think I saw the real deal swaying back and forth in front of me to the sweet tune of “When a Man Loves a Woman” sung by King Boltron himself, the legendary Michael Bolton. RACHEL WILL GO FAR!
I assume everyone blows bubbles or throws rice in Rachel and Joey’s faces as they all make their way to the after-party. Maria wastes no time jerking Joey from his Rachel haze and steals him away to discuss how much she’s attracted to him. If Joey is attracted to women who don’t wear bras, then Maria is his gal!
Maria claims she needs to change into something more comfortable and asks Joey to please wait for her. This makes no sense. She’s not wearing a bra. How uncomfortable can she be?
Moments later, she returns wearing black lingerie. That’s right. She chooses to put on a bra and panties and overlays it with a black mesh swimsuit coverup. Once again, I’m so confused. Joey, however, doesn’t seem to mind and even manages to keep his eyes above the cleavage as leans in for the kiss.
Maria is intriguing. She’s not the one for Joey, though.
Later, Joey finds Jess, who is typically a spunky ball of energy, sulking under a blanket beside a fire pit. She’s sad because people think she needs to calm down. She also finds herself getting lost in relationships, and she’s nervous she’s feeling too much too soon. Joey assures her that she’s the bomb and gives her a big hug. He wipes her tears and makes it all better with a quick make out session.
He moves from one crying girl to another. Lauren has water falling from her tear ducts, streaking her makeup. Even though her face doesn’t move, her plump lips explain to Joey that the wedding date was hard and if he hadn’t been the bachelor, she would have left by now. For the second time in a span of minutes, Joey wipes tears with his thumb, smearing foundation along the way, and promises a better tomorrow.
Jess gets the date rose for opening up. The target on her back gets bigger as she sniffs the fragrant bud in front of the other ladies.
Oh my goodness. Daisy is the cutest in her hot pink dress with white sneakers. And is super nervous that Joey is going to dump her for wearing her cochlear device. Little does she know that Joey is darling and would never.
He would take her to a concert, which is such a dirty trick to play on the deaf girl. Come on, ABC! Why do you have to be that way? Thank goodness she was able to hear him in the helicopter, but I felt so bad that she often asked, “What?” during their date.
An outdoor concert? Really?
A band named Bahamas? Really?
Making them sway to a slow song on the D-Stage? Really?
That night at dinner, Joey finally learns about Daisy’s hearing loss and the non-profit she started as a result of this challenge in her life. After learning that she is feeling better and is healthy, he melts into a smitten kitten. He finds her even more interesting and impressive. And more attractive.
They make out, and I cheer! TEAM DAISY!
SECOND GROUP DATE
Joey is shirtless. Praise the Lord. Look at that man flip tractor tires! Does the mansion have a CrossFit gym? Who cares. Why is he putting his shirt back on?
The women are in their athletic best (no colors) and are encouraged to clap as Joey introduces two “friends” in the form of Jubilee and Demi. These former bachelor contestants pretend to be drill sergeants and force the women through a series of dumb boot camp exercises.
Then, they make them play a competition game that is a mixture of paintball and capture the flag. There were no rules. Literally no rules, other than capture the other team’s flag, which was a stuffed heart hanging from a pole.
A smart woman would have suggested that someone guard the heart.
That did not happen in this episode.
A smart woman would have figured out that the paintball portion of the game was irrelevant.
That did not happen in this episode.
When Edwina simply ran across a field and pulled down the heart without encountering another person on either team, one might think a strategy would have been put into play.
That did not happen in this episode.
Somehow, the game was pure chaos. Even when the goal was super clear and relatively easy, the blue team somehow barely won.
The best part is that the blue team thought they would all win a chance to be with Joey at the after-party. Instead, Demi explains that only ONE person would receive the prize.
To make matters worse, they all have to go get dressed like they are going to a cocktail party, but only Edwina’s name is called from the date card. I guess he picked her because she fell down the most and had more paintball stains than any other. She’ll take it!
Edwina has no problem bidding the other ladies adieu as she stands up to go meet her date. Her dress (or was it a shirt?) left nothing to the imagination. And when she sits down to share a miniature charcuterie board with Joey, he finds himself wiping tears away AGAIN. Edwina lets her guard down and shares that she had a hard life growing up in Liberia where failure was not an option.
Joey does what he does best. He instructs Edwina to breathe, take her time, and then listens as she divulges all sorts of information. When he senses that she’s good, he gives her the date rose and sticks his tongue down her throat.
He’s so great.
I’m curious to hear what y’all think about the Maria vs. Sydney controversy! Allow me to break it down for you as I understand the timeline:
Funky Cold Madina is thirty-one years old. She’s the dustiest of all the remaining women and is feeling the pressure of being the old bitty of the group. Maria hears this tidbit of information from someone else and claims that Madina isn’t old. Maria, who is twenty-nine, thinks Madina should own her age!
Sydney later hears Maria tell the story about how she doesn’t think Madina is old, but interprets the information as Maria dismissing Madina’s feelings. If Madina wants to feel bad about being old, Maria should let her!
To quote Maria, “We don’t need this to be a thing.”
Maria has no issue with Madina. She wants her to embrace her age! She does have an issue with someone who told Madina that she disregards her feelings, and Sydney owns up to being that person.
Again, like Maria, I’m so confused by what is happening. Maria wasn’t dismissing anything. She was encouraging Madina to not worry about her age! What’s the problem?
Wait a minute. I don’t care! Moving on!
Smarty pants Lexi proves to be funny. Joey loves it and admits that he has a crush on her. Chemist Katelyn is a self-proclaimed nerd, and Joey loves it. Evalin gives Joey a denim jacket with “4 the right reasons” stitched in the pocket, and he loves it.
And Lauren cries once again in front of the camera. She claims it’s because of her dad, but methinks she’s jealous of her sister getting one-on-one time with Joey.
Joey finds Lauren somewhat complaining to the camera in her talking-head moment. I’d bet five dollars that the showrunners shoved him in her direction just as she started to cry again. Joey invites her to sit down on the ledge of the driveway and Lauren flippantly says, “I’m going home.”
Sweet Joey, who has zero interest in this woman, kindly responds by saying, “I can tell you are over it. That’s okay. I know this was tough for you. That was not my intention.”
Lauren looks flummoxed. I’m sure she thought Joey would try to talk her out of it, but instead, the ABC Intern presents them with the cake they were supposed to cut and eat like a bride a groom. As we learned in the cold open, that particular cake ends up on the asphalt thanks to its vanilla innards.
Any guesses why Lauren is still single?
Daisy, Edwina, and Jess all received date roses. Additionally, Rachel, Lexi, both Kelseys, Jenn, Evalin, Autumn, Funky Cold Madina, Lea, Chemist Katelyn, Chrissa, Maria, Starr, Sister Allison, and Sydney.
Joey sends home evil Taylor, whoever Malena is, and Erika who has never been to a wedding.
What do you think about Joey’s debut? Is he one of the best bachelors in a while? Do you have a favorite? Remember, NO SPOILERS!