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Ladies and gentlemen, we are just hours away from the debut of season 24 of The Bachelor. Those of us who live for this sort of thing will gather around our television in stretchy leggings (that we substitute for pants) and whimsical shirts with wine drinking slogans to watch Peter the Pilot’s aerial journey to find love. Monday nights feel complete now that Our Host Chris Harrison is on my screen.

Our fly boy is ready to go. After being left in the wake of a tall chiseled model and a jack wagon “country music artist,” Peter is reportedly over Hannah Bama and is ready to be compared to Bachelor Nation royalty — Ben Higgins. 

Both boys seem wholesome and could easily be cast as “attractive white man” in any daytime soap opera. Each loved his adorable family and as a result, Bachelor Nation loved them. 

But there’s just one small difference I’d like to point out: THE WINDMILL. 

We all know that this season is going to be peppered with windmill shenanigans. It’s inevitable. Hannah Bama opened that horny can of worms during Men Tell All and as a result, Peter will forever be known as the dude who performed two four acts of love to the delight of his mother. 

Look, ever since Nick Viall divulged the shocking news that all sorts of hanky panky goes on during the final stages of The Bachelorette, we all ease into those episodes with the understanding that antibacterial hand sanitizer will need to be applied to all body parts, including our eyeballs. Once that cat was out of the bag, there was no putting it back. 

No matter how big of a prude I am (read: very big one), I still feel the need to live permanently behind my couch cushion when forgo cards are forgone. I guess a part of me longs for the days when we technically didn’t know what was transpiring behind the fantasy suite doors and I could pretend the couple was sharing hopes and dreams while the hot tub waters stood listless. 

It’s weird that Peter the Pilot’s multiple love-making antics came as a surprise to me for some reason. I guess I thought he and Hannah would spend the night in the windmill whittling wooden shoes or reenacting rose ceremonies with tulips. 

But after scouring my own website for quintessential Peter moments (in order to write a bachelor profile on him based on previous episodes), I quickly learned that Mr. Four Times did not hide the fact that he was all about going full throttle. 

It’s been a hot minute since Hannah’s season, so I compiled all of the times I wrote about Peter in order to go into season 24 in the full, upright position. 

In summary, since the beginning, Peter has flown all hot and bothered.

NIGHT ONE ICEBREAKER 
Peter the Pilot both wears his uniform, radiating Maverick energy. He also gives Hannah wings, which are immediately tucked into her cleavage.

FIRST GROUP DATE
Hannah joins Peter the Pilot in his photoshoot and they passionately kiss while everyone else watches. Luke can not handle it. He tries to grab Hannah and walk her to the dressing room, which is literally five feet away, and we see the first signs of this relationship begin to crack. 

FIRST COCKTAIL PARTY
In the other room, Peter the Pilot shines. His parents are perfect. His mom was Miss Illinois, so he totally gets the pageant scene. Let the canoodling commence!

Just when I think we are moving on to the date rose, LO AND BEHOLD there’s a wall kiss (32 second mark)! And a pretty good one I might add! Since Arie is such a chach, we might have a replacement Wall Kiss MVP on our hands, people!

OH LOOK! A WALL STRADDLE! Way to go, Peter. Hannah’s lipstick looks great on you! That shade is definitely in your color wheel. 

Hannah heads back with Peter and sits down with the guys. She picks up the rose and then asks Luke for a quick chat. Once again, she asks him to respect her relationships, while adamantly gesturing with the boutonniere in hand. Then she returns to the couch and hands the rose to Peter after sharing IN FRONT OF EVERYONE that she has the best time with him and is excited that their relationship continues to grow more and more.

Suck it, everyone else sitting there. 

SECOND GROUP DATE
Peter the Pilot throws all caution to the wind by hoisting Hannah up onto a pool table for a sultry make out moment. They go full horizontal among cues and colorful balls before Hannah somehow manages to roll on top of Peter in her mermaid dress. 

A lady is always aware of the potential for felt burn. 

LUKE DRAMA
Hannah spirals at the end of her rant. I wondered why Peter didn’t help her land the plane, but then I realized he was the smartest of the bunch. Sit in silence. Make no eye contact. Sip white wine. Don’t spill on the couch. 

ONE-ON-ONE
Hannah wafts through a wheat field, contemplating how Peter is the guy you want to see with a stroller in the park. Hopefully there’s a kid in that stroller and he’s not some creeper pushing around an empty carriage, but whatever.

Peter is excited to spend a Latvian spa day with Hannah and grins when Yuris’ parents explain that they are about to experience an intimate space where Hannah can open up. (Heads out of the gutter, people.) Yuris’ mom sings three verses of a Latvian folk song and then they begin mixing dry potions for the sauna room.

Hannah and Peter are instructed to place their fingers in a bowl of water and make a wish. Hannah switches into pageant mode and freestyles for a solid ninety seconds. In short, she wants her experience with Peter to be amazing. And something about world peace. 

Peter wants Hannah to embrace their time together and for her to get to a place where she can trust him completely. Ma and Pa Yuris dip birch branches in the dry ingredients and dust Peter and Hannah’s bodies with the mixture. They leave, the cameras do not, and we watch as the perspiration combines with the potion powder to form a paste. 

The pilot can no longer hold out. He lightly pushes Hannah onto the bench and goes full horizontal, just like he did on the pool table. The next two minutes are filled with literal and physical heat. There was lots of grabbing and straddling and flipping of who’s on top. 

I guess the potions worked. TEN POINTS FOR GRYFFINDOR! 

At dinner, Peter asks if she’s always been strong and confident. She claims she has always been that way, but struggles with insecurity. Peter tells Hannah that he draws his strength from what he does for a living — saving lives. 

Calm down, Peter. You’re not a doctor. 

On the other hand, I totally get why you worded it that way. I want my pilots to be confident when carting me around in a big tin can high above the world, so, keep up the good work. 

Hannah takes the cue and asks Peter how a relationship works with a pilot. Peter wisely answers that it is lonely when he doesn’t have someone to share his life with. There was that one girl, once upon a time, but it just wasn’t meant to be. 

He conjures a lone tear and tells Hannah that this woman is the reason he hasn’t truly taken his guard down. He’s never opened up since that relationship — until Hannah. Guess what? He’s falling for her. Then he quotes his grandmother/mother’s favorite Spanish life lesson. Something about how we should not worry and just let the water flow where it goes. 

Question: Do you think Peter knows Spanish? Or is this a saying the family has memorized? Similar to how I know, “Por favor manténgase alejado de las puertas” from the Disney monorail? 

Hannah is giddy. Peter totally gets her. She’s been in love twice and she understands what it’s like to think someone is THE one and it not work out. I have a feeling this is going to happen a third time for our bachelorette. 

She gives Peter the rose and stands outside the restaurant, making out as Latvian fireworks show splashes color above their heads. Peter pulls away long enough to tell her that he is all in. And Hannah tells the camera that she wants to open her heart to him.

Interesting phrasing, right? She WANTS to do that. Is she willing to, though? She’s definitely not there…

Peter plays it smart and just makes out with her the entire time. Between kisses, he affirms her beauty, goofiness, smarts, and smoking hot body. He throws in a “my heart if filled with happiness” for good measure. 

WHO WILL SHE PICK?
Think of it this way: One of these things is not like the other. I feel Jed and Tyler are adjacent “bad boy” types who have the potential to be a little rough around the edges. There’s an excitement that follows them. Also, I think Tyler is a player in real life. 

We know Luke is a chach who has Hannah wrapped around his finger.

That leaves sweet, kind Peter. Yes, she’s attracted to him, and yes they get horizontal, but she gets horizontal with everyone. She’s a horn dog. Personality wise, Peter sticks out from the rest as different. He’s not as dangerous.

And, if a contestant ends up in fourth place, and the viewing audience thinks he’s adorable, it’s a no brainer that he will be considered for The Bachelor. (NEW NOTE: I AM BRILLIANT!)

HOMETOWN
After her first Jump & Straddle® into Peter’s arms, Hannah is excited to learn more about this adorable guy who just so happens to be the man she imagined in her head when she played Barbies as a little girl. 

Interesting. My Barbie dated Cowboy Ken and he drove a Jeep. That was thirty-five-years ago. I guess her tastes have changed with the times. It seems Barbie is way more interested in the pilot who drives a dope Mercedes. 

Hannah is happy to “learn more insight into Peter’s life.” The best way to do that in a Mercedes is to check out what’s in his console. The act alone of Hannah digging around in there gave me the hives. 

She finds an empty can of Altoids, picture of Jesus, and a condom. Although Peter was super embarrassed by the condom, he did take the time to make it a “more you know” moment by reminding viewers that it’s very important to be safe. In all you do. That’s the pilot’s way.

What would you find in my console? I’m glad you asked. Undoubtedly there is a healthy stash of paper napkins collected from Chick-Fil-A from over the years. I’m certain there are no less that three Whataburger ketchup packets. There’s definitely a pair of small scissors and some Scotch tape. Let’s not forget the selection of mix tape CDs and my apple green iPod shuffle from 2005. 

Peter tosses out seventeen different aerial puns about love. Then he takes her up into his Mercedes version of a two-seater plane and watches as she gushes over the fact that her super rad boyfriend is a pilot. Peter is stoked that he gets to share his passion with his super hot girlfriend. He goes in for a kiss, and puts his arms around Hannah in a way that made me very uncomfortable. 

Eyes on the road, fly boy.

They buzz over the Bachelor mansion and Peter’s house. We watch as his parents wave from their driveway. Then he lands the Mercedes plane and they sit on the bench the ABC Intern drug out onto the tarmac. It was a picturesque scene with both the plane and the dope car in the background. 

Peter is excited to introduce Hannah to his family. The next thing we know, she’s meeting his dad, Peter, mother Barbara, and darling brother Jack. Hannah wastes no time telling the family that she and Peter had a connection, but it took him a while to open up. She challenged him, he accepted, and as a result, he changed. And look where we are now!

Peter calls their relationship “magic.” Hannah calls it “great.” I think that is a noteworthy statement.

There was a moment when Bab’s eyes darkened a bit. I’m not sure she likes the fact that her baby pilot is bending to the will of this Alabama girl with the weird accent, but she lets it slide. She also takes control of the moment by asking her family to join hands for the good old fashion prayer they all shout in German. Let the record show that she is from Cuba, which is why they all speak Spanish as a second (or is it third?) language.

Peter gives a toast. It’s about how his grandparents would have loved Hannah. The entire family starts crying and young Jack swoops in to visit with Hannah. Guess what? Peter is a hopeless romantic. When he’s all in, he’s all in.

Meanwhile, Barb and Peter have the exact same conversation. He tells his mother that their connection has been on fire. Very passionate. Very horizontal. He’s falling hard and although there hasn’t been an exchange of “I love you,” he definitely feels it.

He’s just scared to say it. Because of the horrible woman who once broke his heart. We hate her, whoever and wherever she is right now. And Babs wants to make sure Peter knows how to keep his heart safe from a heartbreak. 

Do they make condoms for hearts?

When Peter talks to his dad, he lays it on thick. He uses more aerial terms so his pilot father will really understand where he’s coming from. Additionally, he lets it slide that he knew Hannah was his person when he took her flying. Their love was solidified in the air. Just like Peter Senior and Barbara. 

This is the moment Dad breaks down. He’s concerned for Peter’s heart, too. But he is hopeful. And even though he cries like his son is about to go to war, I thought the moment was heartfelt and sweet. 

Hannah says her good-byes and she and Peter sit back down on the bench the ABC Intern drug from the tarmac, into the black SUV, into the pilot’s parents’ front yard. He gets THIS CLOSE to dropping an L-Bomb, but he chickens out last minute. 

FORGO CARD DATE
Hannah wastes no time executing an uneventful Jump & Straddle® straight into the arms of Peter. For a moment, I was sure there was clear and present evidence of a booty shot, but I was confused by the lack of our beloved black modesty box. It turns out, Hannah’s cute, very short, summery “dress” is actually a cover-up for a red bikini, which helped me puzzle through the greeting unfolding before my eyes.

The two lovebirds jaunt over to a sailboat, head up to the bow so they can recreate a famous part of a twenty-two-year-old movie. The next thing we know, there’s a lovely shot of Hannah’s bikini bottoms, or red panties since we never actually saw her in a bikini, laying on top of Peter. I can report that the viewing audience would have witnessed motor boating had the camera not suddenly switched shots.

The new shot, unfortunately, was a terrible angle. Right up the barrel of the couple, feet first. No one wants to see that, ABC, but I understand if this was the only position you could find to keep things PG-13 rated for network television. Perhaps I should salute you instead of condemn. 

Peter tries to tell Hannah how much she means to him, but his words are sparse because she is literally laying right on top of him. He’s dealing with a lot at this point. His airway is constricted, his heart is bursting from love, his body is suffering a heat stroke because Hannah mounted him before he could change out of his jeans, and his extremities are slowly frying, thanks to lack of sunscreen. But to Peter, it’s all worth it.

That night at dinner, Hannah arrives in pink and Peter looks smitten as a kitten. That kitten over there by the table. Or that one. Or that one over there by the water. Take your pick. 

Peter knows it’s go time and Hannah waits patiently as he takes twenty minutes to process through his feelings. He says “like” every other word and it occurs to me how awkward his in-flight announcements must sound:

“Folks, this is like your Captain speaking. And like though I’ve liked turned off the seat-belt sign, please like note that the like “no smoking” light will like remain on. There is, like, no smoking on this flight. Unless you’re like smokin’ hot. Like me.”

Once Peter drops the L-Bomb, he can’t stop dropping it. Hannah gives him the forgo card and we all shout when we see the two of them wandering up to a windmill. Look at that! He is king of the world after all!

They carbo load on a couple of snacks, laugh at the basket of condoms, and settle in the carved out hole that Mike Fleiss is calling a fantasy suite. 

The next morning, the ABC Intern releases the birds and the bees, for optimal sexual innuendo footage, and the camera pans over Peter and Hannah’s discarded clothes. Hannah hones in on her environment, by comparing Peter to Zeus. She is Aphrodite. 

Aphrodite is Zeus’ daughter. 

Bless. 

REJECTION/MEN TELL ALL
Fact: Peter is in no way a “bad boy” and has absolutely zero rough edges. Sure he is wearing black when Our Host Chris Harrison interviews him on the hot seat, but I equate that wardrobe choice to funeral attire. He’s mourning his relationship with Hannah and the blackest of black Hugo-Boss-of-a-suit was the only way to process through his emotions on national television. 

“Where did it all go wrong,” you may be asking yourself. Well, according to Hannah, everything in their relationship was perfect and easy. This is EXACTLY what Peter wants to hear. (Read that with a sarcastic font.)

Moreover, she pictured Peter as the reincarnation of the perfect guy. Her Ken doll, of course. Listen to your five-year-old self, Hannah. Second, please do not tell the guy you are dumping that he is perfect but just not for you. No one wants to hear that.

Oh the man tears. Peter holds it together until he gets to the rejection SUV. I think he would have made it all the way inside the vehicle before releasing the waterworks had Hannah not held him in a death grip for about a minute too long. He did a great job of telling her that she will always have a piece of his heart and that he doesn’t regret anything. Including the windmill. 

Hannah melts down as Peter drives away. I figure this is partly because she’s horrified by her actions and partly because her outfit is certifiably terrible.

Watching the edited version of the break-up for the first time was hard for Peter. It was harder for his mother. Peter claims his family has been the best support system ever and I believe him. Barbara would literally tuck him back into her womb if she could. 

Our Host wants to know when Peter knew he was really in love. Peter does not answer “when we were horizontal on the pool table” or “when we were horizontal on that bench in the weird sauna” and instead points to the fireworks in Latvia. Hare brings Hannah out to make the moment even more awkward.

Hannah looks great. She’s wearing a jewel tone blue off-the-shoulder dress, severe ponytail, and snowflake earrings. It’s a modern-day Elsa look and I like it. What I didn’t like was Peter’s mom blowing air kisses to almost future daughter-in-law.

Oh, Barbara. 

Hannah’s reasons for not picking Peter are predictable. She thought he was going to meet her family, but when she woke up that morning in Greece, she decided to follow her heart, which did not belong Peter.

Then she makes me VERY MAD by telling him that she wished she would have known he liked her earlier in the game. NO MA’AM, HANNAH. UNCOOL. She drones on about how her heart was broken, too, and that what they had was real. 

Hannah: “After I wondered if I made the wrong decision by letting go of the perfect guy?”
Stranger in Studio Audience: “YOU DID.”

Harrison lightens the mood by reminding Ken and Elsa that no one from Bachelor Nation will ever look at a windmill the same. This is when Hannah comes clean. She lied about the now infamous number. Instead of windmilling twice, she and Peter windmilled FOUR times. 

The events that unfolded after this revelation were chaotic. The studio audience loses their minds with gasps and pearl clutching. I dive behind my couch cushion and wait for my face to turn a normal shade. Luke P’s head explodes somewhere in a CrossFit gym. Our Host Chris Harrison stands and salutes Peter, while Barbara blows kisses to her son who is trying not to melt onto the floor out of embarrassment. 

Tonight’s the night! How many aerial puns will there be? Or windmill jokes? I can’t wait to find out. And remember, COME JOIN OUR BACHELOR BRACKET!