Bachelorette Michelle Recap | Week 5

I apologize for not writing a recap last week. I was flirting with the flu but came through to the other side with only a scratchy voice. Thank you for understanding. I hate missing posts, but sometimes life makes you slow down. Now let’s get into the show!

If I had to narrow down this episode into one word, it would be delightful. I find Michelle Young simply delightful. I have high hopes for our bachelorette, and the last thing I want her to do is to start acting like a crazy person on national television. 

And dare I say that she has a fine roster of young suitors vying for her love? Sure, there are some questionable eggs in her basket which may need a one-way ticket back home, but I can envision Michelle happy with not one, not two, but FIVE of these dudes! 

Never fear. I will share my thoughts with you now. With eleven guys still hanging on at the beginning of this episode, I now have the mental capacity to invest in each one with official thoughts and opinions. For example:

TIER 1

Joe: No brainer. He’s in the top three.

Nayte: He’s also a contender. Easy choice.

Rodney: I stand by this endorsement. She likes funny. 

Brandon: Bless his baby face. She loves kissing it.

Clayton: He’s moving up the ladder, but we all know where he lands eventually.

TIER 2

Rick: Michelle is enamored by his infatuation with her. I wonder if he’s a closet stalker?

Martin: She’s attracted to his unique style, but when he opens his mouth, it gets him in trouble.

Olu: He has endeared himself to Michelle. However, she doesn’t see/hear his bad attitude as we do. 

TIER 3

Casey: He never had a shot. My friend Amy is happy about this! CALL HER, CASEY!

Leroy: I’m not sure this is a real person.

Chris S.: Dweeb, who shot himself in the foot for being dumb. 

With the guys heading to Minneapolis, I can see why Michelle chooses to “reset” the entire season. She has culled the unnecessary riffraff and wants to see these jokers in her hometown. Did I find it odd that most of them wore neck pillows from the “long” trip from California to Minnesota? Indeed. But if that’s what it takes to get these young gentlemen in prime dating condition, so be it. 

ONE-ON-ONE DATE
Joe

Michelle wastes no time dashing the men’s dreams by welcoming them to her home turf and then immediately whisking Joe away for a quick trip to the pitcher’s mound at a Minnesota Twins baseball game. Remember, Joe is from Minnesota, too, so he’s at quite the advantage. 

Especially when Michelle takes him to visit her high school. They kiss in front of her old locker and giggle at pictures of teenage Michelle in her yearbook. Then we all watch as Michelle creams Joe in basketball. Not only did she swish all of her shots, but she did it wearing a dress. Joe was impressed. So was I. 

Her legs are so long.

Michelle tries to get this tall, black-skinned baller to let his walls down, and Joe does a decent job of being vulnerable. It’s at dinner, however, when he really taps into the waterworks, sharing his experience with a basketball injury that ultimately took him out of the game and any possibility of being a professional player. 

Joe explains that the injury broke him down with the mental grind of rehab. He lost his identity in the sport, and once it was taken away, he didn’t know who he was anymore. Michelle praises him for being able to bounce back from hitting rock bottom. Then she affirms him for fighting that battle alone and winning it.

She’s so great. What a compassionate response! She could have said something generic, like “thank you for sharing” or “that’s tough.” My girl listened, received, and raised him up. He’s crying. She’s crying. Everyone’s crying.

Or Joe could have been overcome with emotion by how Michelle looked in her black leather outfit. Either way, tears were warranted. Joe gets the rose and MAJOR points. 

GROUP DATE

Once again, Michelle arrives at a group date wearing Spandex like it’s no big deal. I don’t think her body could be any more perfect. So excuse me as I do some crunches in my baggy pajamas. 

I’m back.

The guys fly out onto the football field of the Minnesota Vikings, and everyone is pumped to play some ball. Unfortunately, instead of tossing around the pigskin, they are forced to eat that pig’s intestines. 

I hate dates like this, yet here we are listening to grown men dressed as Vikings bark orders to the bachelors. First, they have to scream a battle cry, toss a stump, and eat fish heads and cow brains. Then they must arm-wrestle to prove who is worthy of Michelle’s Spandex.

That Viking was none other than our current bachelor Clayton. Michelle is very excited by his crowning and bonds with him at the cocktail party. We don’t see much of their conversation, which is odd to me. Shouldn’t Clayton’s air time start to increase at this point? Is he going to be another lead role who we barely know, like Katie? They have the power to control his feed during the editing process. I feel I should know him better, but I don’t. 

With that said, I do know him better after this date. He went all in!

Of course, Brandon was the one who REALLY went all in, thanks to him biting the heads off the fermented herring. Yum! My favorite part of the night was when he quickly ran over to Michelle to give her a little peck on the lips, and she responded with a, “Ugh. Brandon. So fishy.” 

She takes care of that disgusting breath by feeding him Swedish fish gummies at the party. It’s a perfect segue into a serious make-out sesh on a staircase. 

Meanwhile, Chris S. is livid. Not only did he have to dress as a centaur during the Viking challenge, but Michelle had the audacity not to thank him for giving her certain intel about Nayte. To make matters worse, she went and asked this guy on a one-on-one date? HOW DARE SHE!

Martin encourages Chris S. to calm down. Don’t be prideful, insecure, or jealous. Chris takes this advice and then wipes his butt with it. To pour salt into his wounds, Michelle ends the cocktail party without even speaking to Chris. She smiles as she gives the date rose to Clayton and leaves. 

ONE-ON-ONE DATE
Nayte

Michelle floats up to the dock in a pontoon boat like a boss. She invites Nayte aboard and then jets him around the lake like she did when she was a kid. Her friends Allie and Tia soon arrive, and they all visit while sipping champagne. 

Clearly, these two besties have been given direct order to figure out what in the world went on at the last cocktail party. They are the opposite of smooth going about digging up dirt on the situation. 

Allie: “Is there anyone here for the wrong reasons?”
Nayte: “Michelle has made it clear that she can sniff those people out.”
Lincee: “Well played, Nayte.”

Tia: “Do you have any friends? Enemies?”
Nayte: “I’m here for Michelle, and that’s all that matters.”
Lincee: “Nice.”

Allie: “Has anyone said anything about you to Michelle?”

Nayte finally clues in and actually tells the truth. He even calls a spade a spade and point-blank assumes Allie is speaking about Chris. He shares that he told the guys that it wasn’t “if” he was getting a one-on-one, but “when.” Chris took that statement and twisted it to mean Nayte thought he had this in the bag. Then he went on to remind Michelle and inform the girls that Michelle has been encouraging him to be patient. His time would come. 

This appeases everyone, and the ladies deem Nayte worthy. The palpable chemistry only helps matters. 

At the cocktail party, Michelle once again hints that she needs a vulnerable guy who can feel all the feels. Then she proceeds to feel all the feels about how she was once in a toxic relationship that made her unbearably anxious. Nayte makes it all better by making out with her, and both are shellshocked when they see Chris waltz up to their table.

He needs to speak to Michelle. It’s important.

Nayte all but provides a red carpet to lead the way. He knows Chris is about to go out with guns blazing, and he feels the interruption of his date is totally worth it. Do your thing, Michelle!

Chris feels insecure. He’s disappointed that she chooses to give Nayte a one-on-one after telling her that he was not here for the right reasons (right reasons.) HE WARNED HER, and she doesn’t care? Has his sacrifice fallen on deaf ears?

Nope. She doesn’t like that Chris spoke for her. Also, she can take care of herself, thankyouverymuch. Finally, he needs a better attitude. And since he is not her person, it’s best if she walks him out the door. Buh bye. 

Michelle apologizes for having to “step away for a minute.” Then she and Nayte make out as fireworks explode above their heads. 

Rose Ceremony

The main thing we learned at the rose ceremony cocktail party is that Rick would consider moving to Minnesota. That’s what stalkers do. Brandon gets a birthday cake and a birthday smooch. Rodney gets some kissy time on the roof of the hotel. And Martin almost eliminates himself by not explaining the phrase “high maintenance” very well. Don’t ask me what that was about because I was lost most of the conversation. I don’t know why Michelle was upset with his answer. 

Everyone gets a rose at the end of the night except Chris, who was sent home early, Casey, and some guy who claims his name is Leroy.