Bachelorette Charity Recap | Episode 5

Laissez le bon temps rouler! 

I totally Googled that. It means, “Let the good times roll.”

I wish y’all could have been at my house on Tuesday night when I told Lara, “La boheme la booze fair!” She knew what I was trying to say but laughed uncontrollably nonetheless.

I had a thing on Monday night, so I had to watch the show on Tuesday. You can imagine my surprise when I clicked my trusty DVR, only to find Charity in NOLA getting ready to run a marathon, complaining about not being able to hand out any roses the night before. 

Am I upset that ABC returned to the 7:00 PM CST start time? 
I am not. 

Am I irritated that my DVR didn’t catch the mistake? 
Slightly. 

Am I praising myself for upgrading my HULU account, which allows me to watch The Bachelorette commercial-free? 
Absolutely.

Remember the days when missing an hour of the show would have done me in? Or what about the days when I had to work in the oilfield and would miss Monday nights? Look how far I’ve come!

LA BOHEME LA BOOZE FAIR!!!

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER

The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. You probably aren’t even reading this because the simple disclaimer has been a part of my recap since the days I emailed this puppy to just a few of my closest friends. HA! Fooled you. You’ve skipped this amusing mockery and will not know what in the world your friends are talking about when they say, “Did you like the new disclaimer Lincee wrote?” However, if you or someone on Instagram happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying patriotic candy or have an Orange Theory instructor who looks exactly like one of the bachelors on the show…none of this is personal. I’m sure they are all lovely people.

FIRST ONE-ON-ONE

Break out the Mardi Gras beads, everyone, because Charity is ready to send some guys home from the New Orleans airport. She’s very excited to experience all the things NOLA has to offer, including but not limited to food, partying, people, and history. She starts on Bourbon Street, which is admirable. We can only hope that she doesn’t end up face-first in her own puddle of sick come nighttime.

The boys all gather in a line, sitting at darling wrought iron tables. This is when we learn that two of these things are not like the others. Two of these things are Tanner and Sean. How did they get here, you ask? No one knows. 

Charity shows up to greet her men and then whisk Joey away for some good old-fashioned fun in the square. This makes the two misfits want to find the nearest bar and get three sheets since neither has had the pleasure of a one-on-one with Charity. Dotun smiles at Joey’s good fortune. Since NOLA is his hometown, Aaron wants to punch something, and Xavier looks bored. 

Joey and Charity squeal about how life is sooooo easy with the other one. They eat good food, participate in a terror card reading, flash some people for a few beads, and awkwardly dance in the street as a band plays “When the Saints Go Marching In.” 

Then they sit down at a street artist’s typewriter and gush about how comfortable they are and how captivating their life together will be. The dude listens intently to their “story” and types them a poem based on his findings. Charity cries and Joey vows to memorize it as soon as the date ends.

Ten bucks says that guy has written the same poem a hundred times in the last month. 

The camera crew then makes them stand near a fountain and make out before they go to dinner to discuss interracial relationships. Joey’s answer is as honest and humble as it gets, in my opinion. He claims he wants to truly listen and learn but can’t do this on his own. He wants to conquer it with her by his side. With the right person, anything is possible.

Charity produces crocodile tears at this profession and hands him the date rose without thinking. Joey thanks her by telling our bachelorette that he is falling in love with her and can’t wait for their children to be born. I bet he’s going to be obsessed with their mocha skin. 

TWO-ON-ONE

Does it surprise anyone (other than Sean) that he and Tanner are picked for the infamous two-on-one date? Bless both their hearts. Tanner understands that he is playing from behind and needs to make his time in the bayou count. Still, Sean feels that his participation on this date is a disservice to the bond they built that one time producers made him stand on the pier at sunset and kiss Charity in his Ken costume.

He’s known Charity for thirty-seven collective minutes, yet feels this date rose is in the bag. Even Captain Tom, who drives the boat through the swamp filled with alligators, thinks Sean is a better fit for Charity than Tanner. Sean makes her giggle. 

That’s because Sean is delusional and actually thinks he has a shot. 

Tanner arrives at dinner with a new lease on life. He’s going to try harder. Sean arrives at dinner in short pants without socks. He probably shaved his ankles. Charity arrives at dinner and asks Tanner to leave the table so she and Sean can have some alone time. 

Let me be clear: Hometowns are next week, and Charity asks Sean how he feels about her meeting his family. 

Ken Doll: “If you meet my family, you will feel love and support your entire life. I might get crushed in this process, but I’m willing to take the risk.”

Tanner takes a different route during his alone time. He blames his lack of confidence on a mean ex-girlfriend who broke his little heart once upon a time. This girl apparently flew down to Florida and just never came back. It’s the worst definition of ghosting anyone could ever experience. 

Once Charity has had the chance to deep dive with both strangers, she tells the producers that she doesn’t know what she’s going to do, which is manifesting itself into a stress rash that’s slowly taking over her body. She’s so confused because Charity’s flawless skin has never witnessed something so grotesque. Therefore, she’s not handing out roses tonight and will send both boys home.

Question: What will happen to Charity’s precious skin when she has to send someone home who she knows and loves? Will she develop leprosy? For real! If sending the randos home gives her a stress rash, I predict Joey’s elimination will result in nothing less than an unfortunate case of eczema. 

For those who care, the lack of rose causes Tanner to be relieved that he gets another day in New Orleans. Sean, on the other hand, is livid. 

SECOND ONE-ON-ONE

Nothing says “marry me!” like running a half marathon at the crack of dawn on a rainy day. Especially if you’re wearing a tutu!

Dotun literally embraces everything with such delight. The running. The morning beer. Charity’s lithe body. The old couple who warns him to answer everything by saying, “Yes, dear.”

Even at dinner, he genuinely shares with Charity that he is excited and terrified by their journey. He’s happy about this next pivotal week and wants her to meet his family. Yes, it’s scary, but that stems from a fear of failure. 

He also understands that his heart feels like this is a fairytale, but his head warns him to take it slow. Embracing the circumstances, he’s working on his heart, talking to his head to make sure that he’s both logical and adventurous in this journey.

WHAT THE HECK??? I love this guy so much. And so does Charity. But does she love him more than Joey? I just can’t tell yet!

GROUP DATE

In case you were wondering if Xavier and Aaron were going on a two-on-one or no date at all, Charity invites Sean and Tanner to join them since she has no clue how to send people home this late in the game.

Once again, Sean is outraged and decides to knock on Charity’s hotel room door so he can tell her how he’s feeling. Honesty is the best policy, right?

WRONG.

He tells her that he left the two-on-one feeling upset. His confidence has not wavered since the Ken date. Sean wants to bring her home. He is passionate about their connection. He is in the PROCESS of falling in love and wants to know what gives.

Charity looks him dead in the face and tells him other connections are stronger. 

MAY DAY, MAY DAY, MAY DAY.

Sean tries to reel it back in by pivoting a bit, claiming that he only needs a little alone time with her. He begs her not to give up on them. 

Charity looks him dead in the face and says she can’t give him what he wants. 

This is a bold move. She’s giving him the opportunity to stay if he wants, knowing he won’t get a rose. Fortunately, he takes the hint and allows her to walk him straight to the rejection SUV.

ACTUAL GROUP DATE

Aaron is still annoyed that he can’t show Charity his town, but he doesn’t shoot himself in the foot as Sean did. He makes her smile when he admits he is jealous of other guys when they have that “Post-Charity glow” and confesses that the only thing that gets him through the day is his memories of their time together. 

We call this a master class in sucking up.

Tanner throws a Hail Mary, convincing himself their first one-on-one as a hometown will be normal. And Xavier tells Charity he doesn’t know if he’s ready to get married. What the actual hell?

Aaron gets the rose because, duh. 

ROSE CEREMONY

We spy Charity in her favorite boyfriend jeans from the Gap and a cashmere duster walking ominously through the hotel hallway. This can’t be good. 

One open door later, and Tanner gets his heart handed to him in little pieces. He promises he’s okay. Don’t worry about him! He got to eat some oysters and some incredible beignets at Cafe Du Monde and saw a couple of vampires in the square. Not too shabby for our boy Tanner!

Charity cries her eyes out and then heads next door to give her final rose, Xavier. She tells him she’s trusting her gut, and he better step up his game. He just stares at her. 

Xavier will do well in Paradise. 

What do you think, dear reader? Is it Dotun’s to lose? Or Joey’s? Sound off in the comment section!