Bachelorette Michelle Recap: Until the Cows Come Home
Bachelorette RacBachelorette Michelle Recap | Week 6
In this episode, showrunners made sure Michelle beat it into our brains that next week is hometowns. If the tradition of the previous seventeen seasons remains, quick math results in the astounding conclusion that four men will be standing at the end of this two-hour extravaganza, and four losers will be sitting silently in the rejection SUV, wondering where they went wrong.
Did we expect our current bachelor Clayton to be ousted before hometowns? I think a poll would show a very close race on who knew he was a goner versus the ones who needed to see more air time to determine why this beefy man was chosen as the next franchise darling.
Luckily, a gaggle of Ms. Young’s students was surreptitiously put in charge of the dates this week, and we, the viewer, finally crack the case of Clayton’s charisma.
It all starts with four darling fifth-graders marching confidently into the group of remaining eight men, who all stare in disbelief as little mouths ask very personal questions. According to blonde-haired Kelsey, their mission is to figure out “who the bad guys are and who the good guys are.”
The vetting is pretty simple. Who has the worst breath? Who can do a handstand? Who shaves his nipples? Who has farted in front of Ms. Young? Which ones have kissed Ms. Young? You can learn a lot about a stranger by asking these compelling points.
Rodney immediately stands out. He’s funny and makes up cool handshakes with the kids. Martin is red-flagged. He tries hard to show off and wears way too much cologne. Clayton definitely wins the day, and the date, by building a super cool fort out of couch cushions and hotel bed sheets.
Unfortunately, when Michelle spies him walking out from the revolving door, we see zero anticipation reflected in her face. She knows that this date must end with heartbreak. Michelle will not give Clayton the rose because she doesn’t want to invite him to stay for hometowns. That means she has to fake her emotions for the next three hours, walking around in a museum, pretending to care about wooly mammoths and a planetarium.
Dinner finally arrives. After Clayton admits that he’s finally learned to love himself, Michelle picks up the coveted date rosebud, waves it under his nose, and then immediately places it back on the darling coaster. She can’t give it to Clayton. Nothing is missing, per se, and Michelle is adamant about ensuring Clayton that he is enough.
They just ran out of time. And Michelle has to follow her heart.
Clayton is sent to the rejection SUV, and I’m floored by the lackluster performance of the last thirty minutes. What is it about this guy that makes him bachelor franchise-worthy as a fifth-place contestant?
ABC calms my anxious heart with the next scene. Two of the darling children have come to Clayton’s hotel room to say goodbye and gift him with handwritten letters. They praise him for his fort-making skills and his muscles. Luke would like to be invited to Clayton’s wedding when he gets married. And Kelsey thinks his genuine heart will make him a great husband one day.
Clayton loses it when they hope he will have lots of kids one day because they know he will be a great dad. He bawls to the camera. That’s all he’s ever wanted! And he’ll do whatever it takes to get it.
Including becoming the next bachelor.
Another way the fifth-graders root out who is husband material is by making them perform physical labor on the farm. Michelle needs a man who can milk a cow or churn butter. Are you afraid of shoveling manure? NO ROSE FOR YOU, SIR!
We learn that Rodney loves his cow Bessie and prefers maintaining eye contact when milking her. Martin is afraid to touch an udder. Joe is an animal whisperer and butter-making genius. And Nayte fakes a back injury, so he doesn’t have to pick up poop.
At the cocktail party, Nayte tells Michelle that his dad never wanted to talk to him about girls, therefore, he’s never brought anyone home for his dad to meet. It didn’t really matter because none of the women in his life had been family-worthy — UNTIL NOW. But, he admits that he’s falling for Michelle.
Joe confesses that he grew up around a farm, so that’s why he felt right at home today. Michelle thinks he’s super nurturing, and then they make out.
Rick gets some alone time next. He’s wearing all black, which makes him look like an evil twin version of himself. He’s followed by Rodney, who appears to be lacking in the sleep department, or had a major allergic reaction to the hayride Farmer Ted took them on after a hard day’s work.
Finally, we see Martin chatting with Rick as Oludime sits on the opposite couch. Martin feels that his conversation doesn’t flow easily with Michelle, and that’s probably due to the fact that she doesn’t pay attention very well. After hearing her “story poem,” he feels she hasn’t worked out the issues she’s had in the past, which is immature.
Cue Olu sharing this bit of information with Michelle. Our bachelorette couldn’t care less because she had been feeling major vibes from Martin for a few weeks now. She picks up the date rose, invites Martin to join her, and then proceeds to ask him if he thinks she’s immature.
Martin interrupts her. THIS IS NOT TRUE. To which I say, “ROLL THE TAPE!”
He then tries to explain the difference between being insecure and having insecurities. Michelle defends herself, and he interrupts again. “My love, you’re putting words in my mouth.”
Vomit. Michelle shuts that business down. Her walls are up, and she does not trust Martin. I’m surprised she didn’t use the carabiner clip on her dress to lift him right out of the set.
So it’s goodbye to the man who, as one Internet meme described, “Is every boy band member rolled into one.”
Martin turns nasty in the rejection SUV, irritated by the way Michelle handled the situation. He thinks a “woman like that doesn’t deserve my time.”
That woman gives the date rose to Nayte. He’s going to hometowns, while Martin is going to the airport. Holla!
Question: Brandon can’t grow a mustache. Shouldn’t he just stay clean-shaven? I’m so confused by this phenomenon. And another thing, if you were going to visit your girlfriend’s house and her parents were not there, would you borrow her father’s swim trunks to take a dip in the pool? I THINK NOT!
How fake was it when Michelle’s parents did come home and catch her making out with Brandon in the hot tub? Was everyone in on it, except him? And do you think he did a good job speaking to the Youngs? Or did he act a bit like a scared kid in high school? Is it presumptuous that he asks her parents for their blessing to marry their daughter?
I think this is Brandon’s first time being in love. He is going to be devastated when Michelle doesn’t pick him at the end. Especially after he gives her his mother’s bracelet, you know, the one he’s supposed to give to the woman he loves, so she’ll know that Michelle is the one!
Is that his way of materialistically saying, “I love you” without using words? I think so!
Recently single Tayshia and Kaitlyn arrive to let the guys know that there will not be a cocktail party. Olu and Rick know exactly what this means. They are the odd men out. Michelle arrives looking gorgeous in a red evening gown. She quickly gives roses to Joe and Rodney and bids the others adieu.
With only four left, things are about to get real. I’m sure there will be broken hearts when Michelle has to get rid of truly great guys in the coming weeks. So who do you think will be the final three? Is Rodney the fourth-place contestant? And is Joe too vanilla to pull out a win? Do they only have things in common, and that’s it?