Wednesday night I set my alarm to sound off at 11:45 AM Thursday morning. Our Host Chris Harrison posted that he would be announcing the gaggle of women vying for the heart of Bachelor Colton live on Facebook. And we all know Our Host Chris Harrison is at his best when he’s unbridled and live. 

I don’t know why I was unprepared emotionally to see him again. Many moons have passed since he last graced my screen. My man looks sharp in his suit and his hair is definitely doing something fabulous. He smelled of Texas bourbon, evergreen boughs, and yuletide cheer. 

Hey Santa! My Christmas wish is super simple:

Harrison reminds us that Colton’s season debuts January 7. Old news, I know, but what you may not have heard is that it’s THREE HOURS LONG. Let’s start preparing our hearts and minds now, because it’s going to take a lot of brainpower to keep up with how many virgin jokes will be tossed around on night one. 

Do NOT make this a drinking game. You’ll pass out by the second limo and probably miss the girl dressed as a sloth. Refrain. 

Harrison quickly clicks through all thirty girls, giving each one a little air time. He has some extra details for a few of the women, which obviously means these made an impression on Hare — good or bad. For those of you who keep brackets, I would pay close attention to those names.

Once Harrison concludes the live broadcast, ABC immediately posts bios from all the women. Unfortunately, it’s the lame version. Remember the good old days when we used to get tattoo counts, favorite TV shows, and a list of what you would take to a desert (or in some cases, dessert) island? Remember when everyone wanted to have dinner with Olivia Pope or swim with dolphins? 

Yeah, those are so last season. The bios this year are no more than three sentences and mostly normal. What is Mike Fleiss trying to pull?  

Since I’m a seasoned blogger, I took matters into my own hands and did a little digging. I didn’t find much, but I found some interesting tidbits. Most notably, I discovered that the majority of these girls are models, wanna be models, or social media influencers. By my calculations roughly five or six are not in that world and appear to have no ulterior motive for joining the cast. I trust they really want to find love on national television with a guy who mocked the movie poster from 40 Year Old Virgin. 

I should also mention that this is a Lauren-free roster. Although several ladies look like Laurens from previous seasons, none are named Lauren. That in and of itself makes this the most dramatic season of all time. 

Do you know what makes this recap dramatic? The fact that the entire back end changed since my last post and I had to teach myself all night long how to use the updated version. NICE TIMING, WORDPRESS. 

Rant over. Let’s meet the girls!

Alex B.”
29
Dog Rescuer
Vancouver, BC

Alex is a dog person. Colton is a dog person. Alex is a BIG TIME dog person, who rescues them and stuff. Colton is a BIG TIME dog person who rescues them and stuff. This seems like a match made in Bachelor heaven until you look at her age. Colton is 26-years-old and probably thinks anyone teetering around the third decade threshold is questionable, no matter how passionate she is about canines. 

Also, Alex is Canadian, eh? I don’t see Colt moving up north to rescue dogs for a living. He’s too busy in the lower 48 pseudo modeling and pretending to rescue his own dogs to make the transition, right? 

Harrison Intel: Alex is opinionated, but has trouble voicing those opinions. I’m not sure if this is some weird code for Alex being afraid of conflict or the fact that she was “under the weather” on night one and perhaps lost her voice. Also, I bet she pays for her dog rescuing business as a toothpaste model. It’s a theory. 

Alex D.
23
Sloth
Boston, MA

According to Alex’ bio, she lives and breathes Massachusetts. She loves the Patriots, the Red Sox, and I’m guessing if she could finagle it, she would be buried somewhere along the Freedom Trail. She has a legit-sounding job (account manager at an IT staffing agency) and is a baby child at 23-years-old.

Let the record show that Alex D is one of MANY baby childs. (Baby children?) This makes me nervous. That’s a lot of scantily clad, denim panty wearing fetuses traipsing around the mansion. Think of it this way: Baby Becca and this girl could have gone to the same high school. 

Harrison Intel: This Alex tends to move slowly. That’s why she’s a sloth in her bio. She will be just like that one dentist guy who will always be known as Cupcake or the regrettable Tickle Monster. And how is she supposed to shout, “THE BRITISH ARE COMING!” in a sloth costume? 

Angelique
28
Marketing Salesperson
Hamilton, NJ

First of all, this girl is gorgeous and I am a little irritated that my skin will never be that beautiful. Yes to the cute smile with the adorable dimples. All we learn from her bio is that she appreciates corny jokes, which means Some Guy in Austin will L-O-V-E her. 

Hey Angelique! What do you call a singing computer? 

A Dell!

Harrison Intel: She’s sweet, but doesn’t stand out. That’s code for NO ROSE FOR YOU!

Annie
23
Financial Associate
New York, NY

Annie grew up on a farm. She likes to ride horses and listen to country music. My prediction is that she will be the date who gets to climb up onto a makeshift stage (thank you ABC Intern) and slow dance on a carpet procured from the Chip and Joanna section of Target. She’ll sway with Colton in front of a bunch of strangers while an up-and-coming country music duo (like Dan Plus Shay back in the day #holla) serenade them.. 

Annie attended the University of Alabama to study finance. Sounds bona fide. I’m not sure what a Financial Associate is or does, but I’m betting it’s not pimping out Diffywear sunglasses or Casper mattresses. She’s a young one, but I like her.

Harrison Intel: Apparently, three girls were on the Ellen show and Annie was one of them. Rumor has it that Colton and Annie hit it off immediately. Although Annie grew up on a farm, she now lives in the Big Apple. I think this will appeal to Colton, who also grew up in a small town before moving to the big city. Additionally, I imagine you can financially associate anywhere in the continental United States. Bonus. 

Bri
24
Model
Los Angeles, CA

Bri’s bio is straight to the point: She’s more than just a pretty face.

I’m already annoyed.

She plays soccer, enjoys hiking and camping and snowboarding. Just your average run-of-the-mill supermodel. Nothing to see here. 

She’s also afraid that she’s going to fart in front of Colton. This confession makes me suddenly like her more than I did moments ago. The girl is definitely successful. Through my research, I found she has more than 35 thousand followers on Instagram. Could she be on the show to get more of those followers and a gig with FabFitFun?

Now I’m annoyed again. 

Harrison Intel: He said she overcame a lot in life  and that there’s more than what we see on the surface. For some reason, I keep thinking about the girl who Deanie Baby cheated on in Paradise who ate lipstick when she was a kid. That’s the saddest story ever. I hope Bri doesn’t trump that one. 

Caelynn
23
Miss North Carolina 2018
Charlotte, NC

Y’all know that I’m a sucker for a beauty pageant. Unfortunately, I lean toward Miss America and Caelynn here competed in the Miss USA version. I have no recap to look back on to see if her talent was unfortunate or not. So I had to scour YouTube, which is really dangerous when you’re a person who does not do spoilers. I came up with nothing except the fact that she was Miss Teen USA five years ago. 

Again, Caelynn was a TEEN five years ago. 

Moving on. Caelynn was first runner-up (to her best friend Miss Nebraska of course) in the Miss USA pageant. Nebraska has a bid to Miss Universe and if she wins, the runner-up is supposed to take her place. That means if Nebraska gets the really tall rhinestone crown, or poses for nudie magazine, Caelynn is called off the bench to perform her duties. Something tells me that Colton will be perfectly fine jet setting around the universe. But Mike Fleiss might be mad that they can’t make an appearance on Jimmy Kimmel every night. Decisions will have to be made. 

I think it’s accurate to say that her occupation is Miss North Carolina, which is interesting that the pageant organizers let her sign-up for a show like The Bachelor while the crown is technically still on her head. Does this mean the coordinators are cool with branching out into the likes of ABC reality competitions to see if their beauty queens have what it takes to make it in the real world? Or is there a lawyer scrambling around somewhere trying to amend the current Miss USA contract? 

Harrison Intel: Guess what? There’s ANOTHER girl who on the show who competed against Caelynn. I’ve never hoped more for a cat fight! 

Something tells me that Colton will like a girl who has built-in popularity. Caelynn has 24.5 thousand Instagram followers who tune in to see her latest model shots. I think she’s a front-runner. If anything, her pageant training has taught her how to handle catty women with grace. 

Her pageant training also teaches her how to go after what she wants. And Colton is on her list. Right before world peace. 

Caitlin
25
Realtor
Toronto, ON

Harrison Intel: Hare uses this time to give a shout out to his favorite Kaitlin who just broke up with fake Gosling. Clearly O Canada does not get a rose. 

He also says that, “She makes a popping impression on Colton right away.” I’m not sure if Caitlyn is the first to bust out a virgin joke, but she’s certainly not the last. According to Our Host, many girls think they are soooo brilliant for ribbing Colton about his pending deflowering. #blessit

Cassie
23
Speech Pathologist
Huntington Beach, CA

Harrison Intel: “Sometimes the underdog or dark horse sticks around. Or they get lost in the fray.” I would say, so long to Cassie, because this seem ls like Hare warning us not to put her in our brackets. However, Cassie’s Instagram account is through the roof. She almost has as many followers as Miss North Carolina! She’s doing something right. And I don’t think it’s speech pathology.

Catherine
26
DJ
Ft. Lauderdale, FL

Meet our resident villain. She also come with a plus 1 — her Pomeranian Lucy. Now wouldn’t you assume that Catherine is a spoiled brat who lounges around all day spending daddy’s money on hair extensions shipped in from the heads of milk maids in Norway and blood diamond collars for her dog? 

Think again. Not only is she a successful commercial real estate person, she’s an up-and-coming hip hop DJ, dominating the Ft. Lauderdale club scene. THANK YOU JESUS!

Harrison Intel: Hare tells us that DJ Cathy isn’t afraid to speak her mind. She also sets a franchise record for the amount of times she steals time with Colton. In fact, Our Host suggests we NOT make it a drinking game. Does everyone understand? That’s two scenarios we need to remember. Do not drink when DJ Cathy interrupts or someone mentions Colt’s virginity. 

Courtney
23
Caterer
Atlanta, GA

Courtney’s bio tells us that she like to create healthy meal plans for athletes. There’s no more information to assure us that the athletes know she’s creating these healthy meal plans for them, so I’m guessing it’s just several hundred Google doc files on her computer. 

Harrison Intel: Courtney is known for her peaches. The likelihood of that being a sexual innuendo is one hundred percent. But that’s not the point. Harrison tells us that he’s convinced Colton neither knows what a peach is nor how to eat one. 

What horrifying incident helped Hare come to this conclusion? I’m already behind a couch cushion just envisioning the possibilities.

Demi
23
Interior Designer
Dallas, TX

Devin is a country girl who likes beer, blood, dust, mud, and WWE wrestling because that’s what all Texas girls love. Not. Her claim to fame? She can drive a stick shift. That makes her a unicorn at age twenty-three.

Harrison Intel: He says Demi is one to watch. He also says that her icebreaker is very confusing and we should all pause our DVRs to debate what it means. Color me intrigued. 

Devin
23
Broadcast Journalist
Medford, OR

Devin works for a news station in Oregon. And she likes yoga. The end. 

Harrison Intel: “There will be tears.” Shocker.

Elyse
31
Makeup Artist
Soldotna, Alaska

Elyse’s age begins with a three. Strike one. She moved from Alaska to New Mexico because homegirl probably was tired of being cold all the time. She likes friends and wine. With those credentials, shouldn’t she be watching the show instead of being on the show? 

Harrison Intel: She’s the older and wiser mom of the group. Strike two. Say hello to this season’s Resident Assistant. She’ll stay around for at least four weeks to help the ABC Psychotherapist manage all the tween drama.

Erika
25
Recruiter
Encinitas, CA

Erika’s bio says that one of her talents is eating whatever she wants without gaining weight. She will be the one who “accidentally” gets punched in the face during a whimsical sporting event. I also predict that one of the other tweens will pay the ABC Intern fifty bucks to switch her KIND bar with a Kalteen bar and no one will tell her that on Wednesdays they wear pink. 

Harrison Intel: He calls her nutty. Perhaps she dresses like a squirrel and her only confidant in the mansion is her fellow woodland creature, the sloth.

Erin
28
Cinderella
Plano, TX

Erin works for her stepmother. Of course she does. She also likes expensive shoes. Of course she does. And she enjoys ballroom dancing. Seriously? Is she trying to give Ashley I-Lashes a run for best Disney Princess Bachelorette Contestant? 

DREAM ON ERIN.

On second thought…

Please, please, please let her ride up in a pumpkin.

Hannah B.
23
Miss Alabama 2018
Tuscaloosa, GA

Miss Alabama 2018 knows Miss North Carolina. Again, my hope of hopes is that there is bad blood there and Carolina starts a campaign to have Alabama black balled for eating carbs at breakfast. 

I’m glad she won Miss Alabama because she is Roll Tide’s biggest fan. I personally would like to watch Hannah B. go toe-to-toe with the Freedom Trail Girl to see who knows their state better. 

Hannah G.
23
Content Creator
Birmingham, AL

Both Hannahs are 23-years-old and both are from Alabama and both are blonde. It’s fine. This Hannah is a social media influencer or “content creator” if you will. The girl has 63 THOUSAND FOLLOWERS on Instagram. These people like to look at her in bikinis and glamping. 

Harrison Intel: She has an immediate spark with Colton and makes a big first impression on night one. Poor other Hannah. 

Heather
22
Never Been Kissed
Carlsbad, CA

I’m not sure what sweet Heather does because her bio pushes the small detail that Heather has never been kissed before. And the best place to experience this very big moment is on national television. BLESS IT.

Here’s hoping her first smooch is exactly like Josie Grossy kissing Michael Vaughn on the baseball field. 

Jane
26
Social Worker
West Hollywood, CA

Jane is a huge ball of energy with a big personality. The word “quirky” may have been used to describe her. She also loves old people, which makes me love her. See Jane get rose! 

Did anyone get that joke? Or have I officially reached an age where people don’t get my old-school references?

Harrison Intel: “Her name is Adrienne and she goes by Jane. We don’t know why.” 

Katie 
26
Medical Sales Rep
Sherman Oaks, CA

Katie is a former dancer. Based on how many times Katie brings this piece of information up in her bio, I think Katie is on the struggle bus because she would like to be a current dancer. 

Harrison Intel: According to The Hare, “Katie drops a bomb on Colton during this season that changes course”. So is it Colton’s course that’s changing? Or Katie’s course that’s changing? And what is considered a “bomb?” I feel like we’ve been duped in the past on grand declarations like this one. 

On a scale of one to Arie dumping Becca, what are we talking here? 

Kirpa
26
Dental Hygienist
Whittier, CA 

Kirpa’s resume says she works for Daddy, but research shows that she really wants to be a model. 

Harrison Intel: Kirpa has a memorable opening line that is aggressive and bold. PS: Colton doesn’t get the bold joke. 

Colton doesn’t get jokes and he doesn’t know how to eat a peach. Is ABC trying to ease Bachelor Nation into early acceptance that Colton’s not the most fragrant rose in the rose bouquet? 

That’s my Bachelor way of saying he’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer. Just go with it.

Laura
26
Accountant
Dallas, TX

Laura’s accounting job pays really well. I know this because all of her Instagram pictures are of her and friends galavanting around on yachts. 

Harrison Intel: Laura wears the same dress as someone else on night one. THE HORROR. 

Nicole
25
Social Media Coordinator
Miami, FL

Nicole’s family is from Cuba and she’s super excited for Colton to meet them. She’s sweet, wears her heart on her sleeve, and can’t wait to find love. She will be obliterated by one of the mean girls. 

Harrison Intel: Our Host claims Nicole cries more than Ashley I-Lashes ever did. This fact gives me the hives. 

Nina
30
Sales Account Manager
Raleigh, NC

I like this girl. She’s Croatian and according to her bio, she moved to the U.S. with her mom when she was nine-years-old to “flee the conflict among bullets and bombs.” Her life sounds interesting. I hope he can overlook the fact that she is [gasp] in her thirties long enough to hear her story.

Fun fact: She’s the eighth girl who enjoys hiking.

Onyeka
24
IT Risk Consultant
Dallas, TX

Onyeka’s parents are from Nigeria and got married after knowing each other for two weeks. Will this family history scare Colton? Or will he go with the flow, understanding that the producers are essentially expecting him to do the exact same thing?

Harrison Intel: “If you’re on her good side, she’s a great friend. Don’t be on her bad side.” Girls like this scare me. 

Revian
24
Esthetician
Santa Monica, CA

Revian’s bio seems innocent. She loves to help people feel beautiful and she loves music festivals. She is fluent in Mandarin. Lovely girl.  

Harrison Intel: Our Host divulges that Revian likes to have a good time. How do we know? “She’s a nurse by day and a raver by night.” Interesting.

Do you think she has one of those glow-in-the-dark mouth pieces? Will Colton like dancing to computer music? How will her 50 thousand Instagram followers feel about their favorite esthetician raving with Colton in a hot tub without Molly? Will they think Revian is abandoning the PLUR motto adopted by thumpers who frequent these circles?

Everyone calm down. I Googled all those terms. 

FYI: PLUR = Peace, Love, Unity, Respect

Sydney
27
NBA Dancer
New York, NY

Sydney evidently quit her job as an NBA dancer to be with Colton. Read: She’s too old to be dancing in the NBA and is pushing her limits in this competition as well. Now she’s jobless and looking for a nice bachelor to settle down with in California with the hope that she can one day start a podcast on iHeartRadio discussing the ins and outs of hip hop dancing. Her first guest? Revian. Her podcast arch nemesis? DJ Cathy.

Harrison Intel: Sydney has a solid connection with Colton. She pulled a great, romantic move on night one. I bet she did a few high kicks before landing in the splits.

Tahzjuan
25
Business Development Associate
Castle Pines, CO

We don’t know much about Tahzjuan, other than the fact that she loves her family and has a tattoo that reads, “I love bad ideas.” 

Stating the obvious with that tat, Tahz. 

Tayshia
28
Phlebotomist
Corona Del Mar, CA

There’s something about this girl that makes me want to root fo her! She’s so pretty, she draws blood for a living, and her bio states that she likes to volunteer at her church. I want her skin, too. 

Harrison Intel: She has serious chemistry with Colton. Noted.

Tracy
32
Wardrobe Stylist
Los Angeles, CA

ABC asked me to apologize for this mishap. They understand that audiences would never want to see a 32-year-old find love. This this a mistake. Tracy could have babysat the Never Been Kissed girl, which is a dead giveaway that something is amok.

Tracy is the actual wardrobe stylist for the show and her ABC photo I.D. somehow accidentally ended up on the cast roster. Many apologies. 

There we have it! Who stands out to you as early contenders? Sound off in  the comments section and lets find Colton a wife!