Bachelor Nick Recap Episode 7 —

In an episode that accurately depicted the definition of what it means to talk in circles, we certain do have a lot to discuss. Rachel is the new bachelorette. Corinne is in the top four. Raven insists on wearing lingerie at cocktail parties and Nick insists on wearing shorts from the juniors section.

Let’s dive right in and get to the bottom of this stuff…

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you Snap Chat happen to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the CrossFit trainer who was slightly disappointed but mostly pleased with the Gilmore Girls revival and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

Our Host Chris Harrison
I’m so glad Harrison decided to have is Jedi training session with Nick under the protective shade of a palm tree because Our Host and our bachelor are looking a little crispy. Chris is still dapper, though. He smelled of aloe vera, sea spray, and adventure. If anyone can pull off a sunburn, it’s this guy.

Dressed in a denim chambray shirt and rolled up pants, Harrison listens as Nick processes through all his feelings. He nods, silently counting down the minutes until he can return to his limo where Jay Z, Beyoncé, Blue, and the twins are patiently waiting to party in St. Thomas post-Grammy-style.

Harrison finally gives him an out: Are you ready to walk away from all of this? Nick ponders for a moment. That’s when I notice just how tight his shorts are. Nick loves a man thigh about as much as he loves a skinny jean. The background music changes to an ominous tune as Nick walks in to find the remaining six girls huddled together in a nervous ball. Vanessa holds Nashville. Russia holds Rachel. Raven holds a stiletto and Corinne holds her own hair.

What is happening?

Nick
The girls are about to lose their minds. Will Nick send them all home and stay in St. Thomas until it’s time to film the next Paradise? Are those tears? Was ABC mistaken when they said fourth time’s a charm?

Nick gives them a sad song about sending D-Lo home to the block and how hard that was because he did have feelings, but he just wasn’t all the way there in his heart. And now he’s scared that it will never happen. The girls collectively exhale when he says that he doesn’t want to think about it anymore and would rather skip the rose ceremony all together.

Pack your denim panties, cold shoulder rompers, and barely there swimsuits, ladies. We’re going to Bimini!

The camera is quick to cut away from the girls’ reactions because their facial expressions were probably the same as mine. Which was something along the lines of this:

Thank you ABC Graphics Department, for creating one of those darling cartoon maps to help us envision where Bimini is located. It’s a darling island just a quick jet ski away from Miami Beach. Party time!

Vanessa
Vanessa breaks out into a huge smile when she gets the first one-on-one. All of that previous hugging, sisterhood, traveling pants business is thrown out the window. Most of the girls are visibly disappointed, except Corinne, who chooses to audibly tell Vanessa how she feels. She thinks Vanessa is a b*tch. Somehow, Vanessa refrains from rolling her eyes or punching Corinne in the collagen.

Nick meets Vanessa by the water. After a quick Jump and Straddle (trademark pending), they discuss the shaky days in St. Thomas. Vanessa wants Nick to know that she feels they have taken a step back. Nick reminds her that this is how the game is played. Then he asks the ABC Intern to give dramamine patch because they are about to go on a boat and he doesn’t really feel like kissing Vanessa again after she has puked.

Vanessa reminds Nick that she saw his REAL vulnerable tears on their first date. His tears in St. Thomas were scary. She knew she was coming on this show FOR HIM. She understands that it may not click with any of the girls, but she isn’t going anywhere. Nick rewards her honesty with a jaunt around a shipwrecked boat.

I prayed for pigs. There were no pigs.

They snorkel around for a while before Nick approaches her underwater for a quick kiss. I’m certain water went up Vanessa’s nose or she nearly died of asphyxiation. Either way, it was a good day and to my knowledge, no one has to get a tetanus shot.

Vanessa wears an infinity scarf as a dress to dinner with Nick that night. They talk about hometowns, feeling all the feels, and how Vanessa is falling in love with Nick. There is a pause that was longer than Nick’s shorts. Then he opened up about how he’s “been in this environment before” and how he doesn’t want to say “I love you” to more than one person.

I understand and appreciate this train of thought. Vanessa does not.

She is upset that they aren’t on the same page. It was not the answer she expected. It confused her. She’s afraid she’s going to end up like Nick. I assume she means from his first season, because she’s got a way to go if she’s going to catch up with him in his current status.

Raven
Raven announces that she, Corinne, and Russia are all going on a group date. Corrine does Corinne and decides to pretend Raven and Russia do not exist. She begins stripping off her clothes in front of Nick (and the other two girls) looking like a model from a music video by Poison. She may have uttered the phrase, “TA-DA!” before proclaiming she’s a master boater and looks great on a yacht.

I wish I could accurately describe Corinne’s facial expression when Nick began rubbing sunscreen on Russia. He gets all up on Russia’s thigh while Corinne pounds champagne to cope and Raven tries to reach the hard places on her back with her own bottle of sunscreen.

Nick announces that they are going to “explore some wildlife.

I prayed for pigs. There were no pigs.

But there will be sharks.

Corinne asks if they are toothless?

Nick flashes his yellow rubber Live Strong bracelet. Corinne flashes her red string kabbalah one.

Let’s do this.

The sweet ABC Intern is forced to swim down and place some chum on the coral to attract all the sharks within a file-mile radius. Russia is scared. Corinne is tired. Raven is ready.

The foursome bob around in the open water. The boat people take bets to see if any of the waivers will have to be used in an emergency ABC press conference later. Russia buys a clue and scrambles back to the boat. This woman has eaten lipstick. She doesn’t need to prove anything. Nick joins her to “check and see if she’s okay.” What a handy excuse!

Corinne swims around, irritated that Nick made her ruin her weave for this. Raven is nowhere to be seen. She’s probably punching a shark as we speak.

That’s so Raven.

That night, Nick visits with each of the girls to talk about hometown dates. He cries a few times.

That’s so Nick.

Raven discusses her daddy and her brother with Nick, warning him that her family is going to have a lot of questions. I was distracted by their conversation because I couldn’t help but wonder why Raven was wearing a negligee?

I would say that prime time is NOT READY for this dress, but Nick sure is and he proves it by giving Raven the date rose. He takes her to dance on the beach while the Bimini version of the Jonas Brothers serenaded our couple and some random locals.

Nashville
Nashville gets the second one-on-one date. She wears high top Converse, British denim panties, and plain white tee. They play some basketball with street kids and then relax with a beer wrapped in a banana leaf koozie.

That’s so Bimini.

Nick scratches Nashville’s thigh as they discuss hometown dates in Wisconsin. Nick admits to the camera that he doesn’t have natural chemistry with Nash. He says she’s sweet and her face is “pretty great.” She says her heart is open and she’s ready to fall in love again. Nick nips this moment in the bud and tells her he doesn’t see a future with her. The right thing to say is good-bye.

Nashville’s “love” face is the same as her “sad” face. She goes back inside the beach house to pack her things. Her mood ring is blue, which I assume means that she’s sad. Tears confirm that emotion later when she wishes the other girls good luck in their journey.

Corinne
Corinne has never had a one-on-one and has reached panic mode. She wants to prove to Nick that she is worth that hometown rose. The world NEEDS to see Raquel in her natural habitat. She and her Louboutins will not take this lying down.

Figuratively. Not literally. See below.

Corrine asks the ABC Intern who points her to a producer who she promises to Instagram a picture of his niece who is an up and coming musical artist in exchange for Nick’s hotel room number. She “turns on the sex charm” and wriggles into a modern-day version of Sandy’s “You’re The One That I Want” black spandex outfit. Her hair is down. Then it’s up. It’s down again, and she knocks on his door.

Nick invites her in for a nightcap. She invites herself into his room, shuts the door, and turns up the microphone volume. Porno music begins to play as Corinne gives several instructions for their upcoming horizontal tango.

Then something weird happens. Nick stops her. Although tempting, he doesn’t think this is a good idea. Corinne is flabbergasted. She has never experienced this before.

Her vagine has been va-jected.

Rachel
Rachel gets the last one-on-one and is excited to have a chill day at the bar with Nick and the Bimini bartender who is giving Jorge a run for his money. Nick brings up hometowns again. Rachel reminds him that her daddy is a federal judge, but it doesn’t matter that he’s a white dude. Her family is a Benetton ad. They make out on the pier for a while before she heads back.

As most of you probably know, Rachel is the new bachelorette. It was an official announcement on Jimmy Kimmel LIVE, but it was leaked hours before the show aired. I’m not going to speculate why it was leaked, because I imagine Reality Biff had something to do with that. The real question is: Why did Mike Fleiss decide to broadcast this major spoiler before the end of the season?

My radio friend Murphy has a theory: He thinks that Corinne probably wins and ABC needs to get people excited about the new season because this one is not going they way they had planned.

Another theory is that she needs the social media followers. If they announce her early, we can all get on board the Rachel train.

A final theory is that people who may not normally watch the show (or have have abandoned Nick’s season) will tune back in to see Rachel in action.

REMEMBER: THIS IS A SPOILER-FREE ZONE.

With that said, what do you think?

Russia
Nick tells Harrison that he doesn’t want to put the ladies through a rose ceremony. He wants to send a girl home right now. He walks into the beach house and Corinne recoils, muttering, “No, no, no, no, no.” Then he asks for Mother Russia.

Nick talks in circles, telling Russia that he has love for her, but there is no love, love. It’s close, but no cigar. Russia doesn’t back down. She knows she didn’t get a fair chance. Nick says that this honesty is about as fair as it gets. Then he tells her she deserves someone who isn’t sitting in front of her saying that there are stronger relationships in the house.

Russia tells him that she has a lot to offer and it could have been him. PS: He’s let her her down. Nick begins to weep. She lets him stew in his salty juices for a bit before explaining that she’s happy to know that he’s finding love. Even though they are no longer comrades, she hugs him good-bye and he does this:

Thanks Jess for the screen cap of a perfect Half-Mesnick.

Everyone in the house loses it over Russia’s dismissal. Vanessa hyperventilates. Raven strokes Russia’s back because she’s safe with a rose in her hand. And Corinne considers once again if this guy doesn’t take platinum cards?

What did you think of the episode? Are you excited Rachel is the next bachelorette? Will Corinne make Raquel fix Nick some cheesy pasta? Does Raven have a shot? Sound off in the comments section!