Bachelorette Charity Recap | Episode 1

Hi there! It’s only been three months since vanilla bean Zach Shallcross acted like a jackwagon most of his season before professing his undying love to Kaity. (True confession: I had to revisit an old recap to remind myself of Kaity’s name. Is that sad for her or sad for me? Discuss.)

I’d be willing to bet that half of you reading this sentence right now had no idea Charity’s season debuted on June 26. In fact, yours truly didn’t even have it on my calendar! If it wasn’t for those pesky commercials on HULU, it would not have been on my radar, and I might have missed it.

Yes, I participate in the least-expensive HULU tier, and yes, I am using that privilege to watch Justified for the first time. Hello, Raylan Givens!

Since season 20 of The Bachelorette snuck up on me, I’ll do my best to introduce you to the parade of men who will stop at nothing, unless it’s a shot at being a fitness influencer, to win the heart of Charity Lawson. Because I’m a professional who loves this recap, I’ve also included Instagram links to each of the jokers’ names so you can decide if they are the same people on your screen as they are on the Gram.

Enjoy!

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER

The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. You probably aren’t even reading this because the simple disclaimer has been a part of my recap since the days I emailed this puppy to just a few of my closest friends. HA! Fooled you. You’ve skipped this amusing mockery and will not know what in the world your friends are talking about when they say, “Did you like the new disclaimer Lincee wrote?” However, if you or someone on Instagram happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying patriotic candy or have an Orange Theory instructor who looks exactly like one of the bachelors on the show…none of this is personal. I’m sure they are all lovely people.

Aaron B.

29
Software Salesman
San Diego, California
Status: ROSE

Mark your brackets, dear reader, because I think Aaron B. is a contender. First, he’s super tall and cool enough to wear a white suit with a pink tie—point for AB.

Second of all, his icebreaker did not disappoint or embarrass him, which is a straight-up unicorn in this show. AB pulls out a coin and tells Charity that he will flip it, and if it lands on heads, they will get engaged. If not, he will get back in the limo and go home. Both Charity and I were delighted to see that the coin hit heads.

Later, after he serenades Charity on his portable piano, AB pulls out the coin again, prompting that if he hits heads, he will kiss her. AB flips, uncovers, and goes in for a sultry make-out sesh.

Question: It was a double-sided coin, right?!

Aaron S.

33
Firefighter
San Diego, California
Status: ROSE

When I first saw Aaron S. hold a knock-off Yankee candle in front of Charity and ask her to make a wish, I flagged him as a major chach with a side of “bless his heart.” Knowing he’s a firefighter helps explain why he chose to ice break with an open flame, but we could have done better.

Aaron S.’s saving grace was his color commentary on how the men in the mansion resemble animals in heat at the prime of mating season. Otherwise, my only other note consists of “grey suit.”

Adrian

33
Realtor
Northridge, California
Status: ROSE

I do not know who this man is and have no idea how he got here.

Brayden

24
Travel Nurse
San Diego, California
Status: FIRST IMPRESSION ROSE

Ah, Brayden, or “bombastic Clark Kent,” is one to watch. Seriously. He’s got the glasses, hair curlycue, and, I’m pretty sure a Superman tee under his fitted suit.

From his promo, we learn that he would like to be Aladdin on a magic carpet ride, but I think that’s more about Jasmine than his wanderlust. To be fair, Clark wants to travel the world while he’s young and fabulous. On paper, that sounds fun, but in reality, I believe the woman who holds a dream job in Georgia that requires her to see and address patients in person wouldn’t be able to commit to such a dream.

Upon exiting the limo, Clark explains to Charity that he’s a nurse and wants to make sure she’s had all her shots. Then he whips out the tequila. He further endears himself to our bachelorette by slightly choking on said tequila, giving her props for being able to handle her liquor.

Later, they bond over previous relationships that ended in cheating scandals and how anyone with a heart has one request from a partner: TO BE SEEN. This declaration earns Clark a kiss that quickly turns into a speeding bullet of a make-out that almost ends horizontally on the outdoor wicker furniture sponsored by the artist previously known as Pier One.

This extended liplock time gives Clark just enough confidence to start mouthing off in front of anyone who will listen. This includes Charity’s brother, Nehemiah, who purchased the worst-looking disguise from Amazon in order to sleuth around the cocktail party, posing as a bartender. Nehemiah feels that Clark’s confidence is starting to trend in the direction of cockiness, and he doesn’t like it.

The moment I chose to stand and applaud the TV while pointing and laughing is when Nehemiah removes his hideous wig and fake mustache, revealing his true identity and ulterior motive. He’s going to tattle to his baby sister about all the horrible things everyone said about her on night one.

But here’s the million-dollar question: Did anyone say anything ugly about Charity? For me, the dude who claimed he liked his women with a little more meat on their bones was more scandalous than Clark bragging to everyone that he made out with Charity and hopes he gets the first-impression rose.

Charity pretends Nehemiah’s discovery is worth “taking out the trash,” but instead of kicking the man of steel to the curb, Charity applauds Clark for boldly proclaiming their obvious chemistry and having no qualms about making that known to the others.

Do I like Brayden? I’m undecided. However, based on promos from the season, Clark Kent is going to be a problem among many of the men. And that is never a good sign if the man you like can’t get along with others. Also, I would have an issue that his dangling earrings are cuter than mine.

Consider a huge, very annoying target on Superman’s back.

Caleb A.

29
Resident Physician
Ann Arbor, Michigan
Status: ROSE

The first of our three Caleb/Kalebs mentioned that he was a doctor, and Charity mentally gave him a rose at that moment.

Caleb B.

24
Pro Wrestler
Orlando, Florida
Status: ROSE

Wrestling hair is unfortunate. Hairography is an actual thing in this sport, but I can’t help but feel that old Caleb B. here would look extensively more attractive if he cut it high and tight. If not, he needs to start a hot oil treatment right now to help prevent further damage.

Chris

27
World Record Jumper
White Plains, New York
Status: NO ROSE

Sweet, energetic, high-jumping Chris. I will be the first to admit that I rolled my eyes when Chris jumped on a tower of old tires in his dingy White Plains Crossfit gym during his promo. But I was genuinely awestruck when the guy took off his jacket and essentially hopped up onto the counter at the mansion.

I’m not joking. Me and every guy in the vicinity mumbled, “shuuuuuttttt upppppppp!”

It’s too bad Chris didn’t get a rose. I would have loved to see him jump over Dotun’s shoulders.

Dotun

30
Integrative Medicine Specialist
Brooklyn, New York
Status: ROSE

I have two facts for Dotun: “too tall” and “Nigeria.”

James

28
Attorney
Chicago, Illinois
Status: ROSE

Charity labels James a “precious lamb” because his parents sent them a box to open together at the cocktail party, which held a hand-written letter gushing over Charity’s sparkling personality and humble character. It sounds like James’ mom already has her MIL dress in her closet, ready to go at any moment. Precious or problematic?

Joe

32
Tech Operations Director
San Francisco, California
Status: NO ROSE

I have no notes which tracks with the “no rose” status.

Joey

27
Tennis Pro
Lawai, Hawaii
Status: ROSE

I like Joey. I think Charity does, too.

Can Joey leave his cush job in Hawaii and move to George to be a tennis pro there? Is there another way to win Charity over other than calling her “unapologetically yourself?” Will he learn the characteristics of a glaring green light so he won’t miss another opportunity to kiss the bachelorette?

Hey Joey! When a girl leans into your arms and only stares at your lips as she flirtily (that’s a word) admits she’s freezing, pull her in, hug her tight, and kiss that mouth. You’re welcome.

John

27
Data Scientist
New York, New York
Status: ROSE

John hands Charity a fortune cookie that reads, “You will make the man of your dreams tonight. His name is John.”

And that’s when John shot to my top five.

When they bond over their love for their siblings, he moves up two notches to my top three.

John Henry

30
Underwater Welder
Virginia Beach, Virginia
Status: ROSE

I think underwater welders are cool. To be continued.

Josh

28
Harvard Grad Student
Bethlehem, Pennsylvania
Status: ROSE

Josh is the one person who thought Nehemiah’s disguise was sketch. He should get points for that, which I assume, is why he got a rose. I honestly don’t remember him speaking to her once at the mansion.

Kaleb K.

26
Construction Salesman
Norcross, Georgia
Status: ROSE

The fact that he’s from Georgia is a plus. The end.

Khalid

28
Tech Recruiter
Dearborn, Michigan
Status: ROSE

[crickets chirping]

Michael

28
Yacht Captain
Chicago, Illinois
Status: ROSE

Is it cool to be the captain of a yacht? I’m asking for a friend.

Nic

32
HR Executive
Bayonne, New Jersey
Status: ROSE

It’s as if I didn’t even watch the show. Who is this?

Peter

33
Airline Pilot
New York, New York
Status: ROSE

I’m sorry, dude. We already have a Pilot Pete in the franchise. You’ll have to think of another schtick or hit the road.

Sean

25
Software Sales Rep
Tampa, Florida
Status: ROSE

Y’all, he gives me creepy vibes.

Spencer

32
Medical Sales Director
Moorpark, California
Status: ROSE

Spencer is terrified to be in the presence of Charity. Why? Because he has a kid and he doesn’t know how she will react to this news. But when he finally summons the courage to tell her, she’s fine with the news, making Spencer believe they are MFEO.

Tanner

30
Mortgage Lender
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Status: ROSE

Tanner gave her a towel to wave with his name on it. Perhaps she has a Tanner in her life and can re-gift it one day.

Taylor

32
Loan Officer
Springboro, Ohio
Status: NO ROSE

Apparently, if you tell Charity you have a kid, she’s cool with it. If you get out of the limo and film yourself saying, “Kids, I’m meeting your mom for the first time!” you get a one-way ticket back to those darling children.

Warwick

27
Construction Manager
Nashville, Tennessee
Status: ROSE

Warwick’s parents met on a flight. With a name like that, I assume they were flying on dragons.

Xavier

27
Biomedical Scientist
Carrboro, North Carolina
Status: ROSE

Xavier is smart, ambitious, hard-working, and a good kisser. What more could Charity ask for?

There you have it! Season 20 is off to a good start. Do you have any favorites? Who made a good impression? Is John the one to beat? Xavier? Do you trust Clark Kent? Sound off in the comments section!