Bachelorette Charity Recap | Episode 2

I’ve reached the point in my Bachelor franchise writing career where I have a bigger issue with Jesse Palmer’s grey grandfatherly cardigan sweater than I do with the number of times the entire cast uses the word “like” in a sentence. Should I be worried about myself? Do I need to cut wheat from my diet? Perhaps I need to chart my circadian rhythms for irregularities.

Or perhaps I need to check myself for trotting out the term “circadian rhythms” in a reality dating show recap. Go ahead and bless my heart as your read this simple disclaimer:

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER

The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. You probably aren’t even reading this because the simple disclaimer has been a part of my recap since the days I emailed this puppy to just a few of my closest friends. HA! Fooled you. You’ve skipped this amusing mockery and will not know what in the world your friends are talking about when they say, “Did you like the new disclaimer Lincee wrote?” However, if you or someone on Instagram happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying patriotic candy or have an Orange Theory instructor who looks exactly like one of the bachelors on the show…none of this is personal. I’m sure they are all lovely people.

ONE-ON-ONE DATE
Aaron B.

The fact that Jesse Palmer informs Brayden that his scarf looks like a tablecloth warms my heart. It’s too bad no one told his earrings that Carnival was five months ago. Jesse commends Brayden for his flair and willingness to give the entire household the bird in exchange for their blatant jealousy that he holds the coveted first impression rose in a special Ziploc baggie on the nightstand adjacent to his bunk bed. Then he drops the date card on the table and heads out, presumably to tell someone it’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood.

Aaron B’s two-sided coin continues to bring him luck as he slides into the passenger’s seat of a convertible Mustang, eager to learn where Charity is taking him on their date. To quote James, “Damn. They do look good together.” And according to their surface chit-chat, they seem to have a lot in common regarding values and backgrounds.

Charity drives him into the Hollywood Hills, where they picnic and make out in front of the Hollywood sign, which is turning one hundred years old this year. They toast the sign for making it this long without falling over and giggle about how they, too, would like to last one hundred years. It was as lame as you imagined.

Later, Charity makes Aaron sneak through a chain link fence and scramble down a hill so a drone can take a picture of them kissing in front of the second “L.” That was a little less lame, but I have to wonder, as my roommate Lara did, and ask if Aaron is leaning in the direction of Melba toast. Does he have a personality? Is the coin trick his only play?

Because dinner doesn’t give me much hope in scoping out anything that resembles a sense of humor. In fact, Aaron goes fully vulnerable and admits to Charity that he’s been in therapy for “not being the best boyfriend” in the past. He struggles with active listening and communication after a four-year relationship in college.

Kudos to Aaron. Charity finds this honest side of the man sitting across from her extremely attractive. So much so that she gives him the date rose and scoots him along to sway to the country and western tunes of Lauren Alaina.

Some Guy in Austin was kind enough to send me a handy link explaining the mysterious blonde in the dusty rose jumper during the show. Traditionally, I would applaud his effort to help me figure out why ABC shoved this particular performer front and center to sing on a strategically placed carpet in an abandoned auditorium.

For the first time in forever, I actually knew the artist! The one year I watched American Idol was the year Lauren Alaina was runner-up. It’s also the year I discovered Il Volo. If you watch this clip, you’ll see Lauren gawk in awe around the forty-second mark at the talented boys singing (read: showing her up) on American television.

All that to say, I know Aaron appreciated Charity whispering Lauren’s full name as they made their way down to their own dancing carpet. Just like the time Brad Womack said robotically, “Look! It’s the band Train.”

Does Charity like Aaron? Yes. Could he have been nervous and a little blah during their dinner? Of course. Will he go far? I still have him in my top five.

GROUP DATE
Sun’s Out. Bun’s Out

Booooooooo. I hate when they make boys wear itty bitty underwear and force them to play some sort of sport while trying to keep their junk in place. It’s not entertaining. It’s fun for no one. And no, Charity, they are not playing their heart out to win a chance to speak to you. They are counting down the seconds until the public humiliation is over.

Dodgeball is dumb. Xavier is very, very, very good at this dumb game. And so is the wrestler. He’s used to wearing spandex panties, which gives him a leg up in the game. The part I didn’t understand is why showrunners made innocent bystanders form the perimeter of the square, noting what is out of bounds.

If we learned anything from Patches O’Houlihan, players need to dodge, duck, dip, dive, and dodge to succeed. Clearly, when one dips or ducks and the red rubber ball goes flying over your head, it’s going to hit a tourist smack dab in the face. Is that worth the fifty-dollar gift card to Amazon and a chance to be on network television? Not if it gives you a broken nose, my friend.

Anyway, the hot pink team beats the florescent green team, and Charity extends a mercy MVP award to Adrian, who is built like a wall. His team may not have won, but he does get to attend the super-fun after-party!

Brayden steals her away first, and this is when I notice he and I have the same dangling pearl earrings. Mine are from eighth grade. I bet he calls his “vintage.” He manipulates and compliments Charity to death before sticking his tongue down her throat.

Once he’s had his time with the bachelorette, Brayden’s next order of business is to brag about it. He even goes as far as to tell Adrian that he wouldn’t have been his pick for MVP. Don’t worry, Adrian. He doesn’t mean to throw shade. He just thinks you’re an older man who has a stick up his butt.

Adrian uses his alone time with Charity to elude that people in the house treat this like Spring Break or a vacation. He didn’t come here to kick it with the guys. In fact, he left his little girl home with some Cheerios and sugar water so he could be here.

Charity asks Adrian, who isn’t here for the right reasons. Adrian wisely and annoyingly tells her she’s smart and can figure it out. Even if she “made her choice” on night one.

Clue = Brayden

Charity briskly takes her seat among the men and coolly explains that she isn’t interested in anyone who wants to do body shots at Senor Frogs. She’s only here to find her person! And maybe it’s John who beams as she hands him the date rose.

SECOND GROUP DATE
Franchise Record

Guess what? Gabby and Rachel are back to help charity figure out who has the best chemistry! Guess what else? Gabby has a new face. It barely moves and is super shiny. Just like plastic!

The girls will ask our guys a series of questions, and whoever is deemed worthy will have the opportunity to beat the current record for the longest kiss in Bachelor Nation history, previously set by Bachelor royalty Sean Lowe and his runner-up. Everyone seems to be excited for the chance to be connected to this sacred honor, and making out for several minutes with Charity doesn’t seem that bad either.

Gabs and Rach ask silly questions about where you put your hands while kissing and the sexiest thing about Charity. Then they make the dudes use their hands to prove their make-out skills. I cannot report on this section of the competition because I was hiding behind the entire couch, including the cushions, screaming for the good Lord to make it all stop.

Finally, the girls ask the boys to share a story about their best (or worst) kiss. Joey is the only one who uses this time to talk about the kiss he is ABOUT to have that will go down in history. Charity deems him worthy, and he wins the chance to stand across from her and kiss her for three minutes.

The worst part was when the producers made the other six guys stand in a row and watch the world record unfold before their eyes. The best part was when Joey went for an entire extra minute to set the new record at 4:22.

Yes, Joey seems slightly obsessed with Charity, but I’m not worried yet. What’s more concerning is Brayden’s reaction to the six losers who must return without Joey and explain that they had to watch their boy mack down with their girl for an eternity.

Brayden feels disrespected. Brayden. The guy who wasn’t even there feels disrespected that Charity kissed Joey for 4:22 on a reality dating show he signed up for and has no control over. He claims he wouldn’t have watched. He claims they are all idiots for standing there like morons. He claims he will pack his bags and leave because of it.

Someone show him the door and call Big Pauly to roll out his suitcase.

Meanwhile, Joey gets vulnerable with Charity about his family. He shares that he grew up in a divorced household, and the reason for his parents’ split was because his dad came out. Never fear, though. His mom and dad have crushed the co-parenting role and are all very happy.  

Charity and Joey make out a little more. We don’t know if they broke their previous record, but the odds are in their favor.

POOL PARTY

Instead of a cocktail party, Jesse announces that they will have a barbecue by the pool. Charity arrives looking stunning, and Dotun steals her away to show her his residential card from when he first came from Nigeria. He’s being intentional, and Charity L-O-V-E-S it enough to kiss him.

Sean decides to give Charity a few putting lessons. He does this wearing shorts, dock shoes, a blazer, and no shirt. I can’t even continue because I’m so disappointed that he thought this look was in any way attractive.

Brayden finally finds Charity and gives her the old what for after hearing that she made out with Joey in front of the others for an extended amount of time. He doubted her character and was ready to “run away.”

Charity thanks Brayden for being honest and tells him it “makes me sad to hear I frustrated you.” Brayden reminds Charity of their connection and hugs her close, ensuring she knows he will always share his feelings.

Manipulation is different from vulnerability. Take it from someone who knows.

Cue Adrian’s alone time with Charity. We see him apologize for “the Spring Break comment,” assuring Charity that he didn’t want to upset her. She thanks him for being honest and pushes a little further to nail down who is the culprit with a “lack of emotional intelligence.”

Adrian blames Brayden. And calls out how he disrespected the guys. And how Brayden called Charity classless.

This should make Charity’s claws come out, but it doesn’t. Instead, she slithers into a terrible gold dress (that just happen to match Brayden’s earrings), and hands roses to the following:

Aaron B.
John
Joey
Dotun
Tanner
The Wrestler
Warwick
Michael
Sean
Xavier
Aaron S.
James
Adrian
Brayden

Five unlucky ones (Caleb, Kaleb, Josh, Spencer, and my beloved John Henry) are sent packing without a stamp in their passports.

What do you think? Is Adrian digging his own grave? Is Joey one to beat? Does Brayden have fancier earrings than you? Sound off in the comments section!