Bachelorette Charity Recap: Barbie Girl
Bachelorette Charity Recap | Episode 3
Look! All the guys are doing pushups on the freshly sprayed driveway and pullups on the pergola. That means the guys must be totally confident in their bodies and have no need to go bare-chested in front of one another to prove their masculinity. It’s all about healthcare with these fine young men.
Of course, anyone over the age of twenty-eight is already feeling like an old geezer and, therefore, must complain about something other than the mattress length of the bunk beds in the mansion. Today, Adrian, The Firefighter, and that other guy (whose name I can neither remember nor care to look up) lament about the wonder that is Brayden.
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. You probably aren’t even reading this because the simple disclaimer has been a part of my recap since the days I emailed this puppy to just a few of my closest friends. HA! Fooled you. You’ve skipped this amusing mockery and will not know what in the world your friends are talking about when they say, “Did you like the new disclaimer Lincee wrote?” However, if you or someone on Instagram happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying patriotic candy or have an Orange Theory instructor who looks exactly like one of the bachelors on the show…none of this is personal. I’m sure they are all lovely people.
The “men” of the group feel he is young, arrogant, and full of toxic traits. Of course, this means he will be the recipient of Charity’s one-on-one date! After telling her suitors that they will be piling onto a bus to make the epic trip to Oceanside, she will be scooting away with Brayden in her convertible Mustang to a nearby airstrip that helicopters her and our earring-clad chach to the San Diego Padres baseball field.
Brayden and Charity are both in pink, her signature color for this episode. More on that later. Brayden squeals with delight that he is so proud of himself because he used to be afraid of things like roller coasters, but now he’s big pimpin’ in a chopper like a baller.
Charity would like everyone rolling their eyes right now that she does understand the red flag-ish of it all that she is pursuing a guy who told her he might not be interested in staying due to her propensity to date men other than himself. Is this a red flag? Charity doesn’t think so. It’s more of a blush or bashful. Regardless, let the record show that Charity understands they need this time together to figure things out.
What do they figure out on the baseball field? A few things. Brayden hits Charity in the face with a baseball, which isn’t as tragic as it sounds. We learn Charity can still bust out a back handspring with ease, and impressively, Brayden can fling into a backbend like he’s a Russian gymnast prepping for the 2024 Olympics.
Once they take time to drink champagne on the pitcher’s mound, Brayden makes sure Charity knows that he’s crushing on her hard but is still irritated that other guys are feeling the same. He always wants to be with her and doesn’t understand why this is a problem.
Cut to Charity giving all of America a gorgeous WTF look, indicating what we are all thinking. Has Brayden seen The Bachelorette before, and does he understand the intricacies behind the reality show that has been on television since before he was born? What did he think he signed up for? Charity wants to be worth fighting for and wants Brayden to pick up the sword and slay the dragon.
He’ll probably make matching earrings out of the dragon’s scales.
Charity summons her bravery and asks Brayden to explain his feelings at dinner. In a nutshell, Brayden is scared that she is dating other people because it brings back emotions from when an old girlfriend cheated on him. Can he handle it? He doesn’t know.
Charity wisely asks if he can stand being there among the parameters he knew he would be asked to navigate when he signed his life away to ABC months ago. He answers, “You are worth trying for,” and this statement brings the biggest smile to Charity’s face as she waves off the pesky red flags flying all around.
Ken You Feel the Love Tonight
Did you know Charity’s childhood dream is to have a Barbie date? I had no idea we had so much in common. As someone who owned well over fifty Barbies back in the day, I think this date spoke to my soul more than any other in the last twenty seasons. And the fact that JoJo and Fake Aaron Rogers are the hosts of such a momentous occasion is icing on the dreamhouse cake! (For Charity…not for me.)
Yes, I was obsessed with Barbie and could go on for hours about my love for Peaches-N-Cream, but I also want y’all to know that I am a Ken aficionado. And when The Wrestler came out with a black shirt with flowing white fringe, I was transported back in time to a place where Young Impressionable Lincee cried at a birthday party because two friends both gifted me Cowboy Ken, and I didn’t know how to be chill about it.
Luckily, my mom piped in, “You have twins now!” Nothing was ever the same. Cowboy Ken and Uncle Cowboy Ken lived on a lovely ranch, complete with horses grazing on our forest green shag carpet beside a sweet Jeep and trailer. It was the best of times.
And it was the worst of times when JoJo asked all the boys to develop an original song to the tune of Girls Just Wanna Have Fun. How can so many tone-deaf people be allowed in one place? And excuse me, but when did Mattel create a mermaid Ken doll?
The answer is 2021. I blame Covid for that atrocity.
Sean, who you probably can’t picture right now, looks like a Ken doll and is happy to wear denim on denim. He knows he can’t sing and relies on crowd participation and public displays of affection. When he pulls Charity onto the stage to lightly make out, I’m convinced Sean is the smartest person on the roster. Sticking your tongue down someone else’s throat keeps one from displaying poor lyrical abilities.
This “courage” wins Sean some awkward alone time by a pier where they can kiss some more at sunset. It’s the golden hour, after all, and ABC needs some b-roll footage for next week’s episode. It’s too bad his upper lip was wet for most of the coverage.
During the after-party, Aaron S. complains that Sean is too pretty to fish and Charity probably wants someone who knows how to change a flat tire versus someone who has hair chutney in their shower. Other Aaron agrees. Shouldn’t Charity be attracted to a tall man in a turtleneck and tight pants?
Sean waltzes into the party, singing his original hit. All of the dudes groan in disgust, and the old ones instruct Ken to “act like you’ve been there before.” Charity comes in, and Sean immediately whisks her away, which makes everyone even more disturbed.
When he returns, the boys claim he can’t sit with them anymore. And on Wednesday, we wear pink. Meanwhile, Charity giggles with John and Tanner and manages not to ask Michael why his beard is so sparkly.
Then she takes Doton to his “surprise,” which ends up being a spot on the couch in her personal hotel room. The guy is genuinely delighted to be in the presence of her dirty laundry and toiletries. He sings her praises repeatedly, and then they make out like school kids. She gives Doton the date rose, to Sean’s chagrin, and the other dudes smirk in the background.
I have so many questions.
- Why did they make Warwick wear a tuxedo to a carnival date?
- Can you be a beautiful face and have a personality? Apparently not.
- Is it weird to hold hands while going up and down on a carousel?
- How can Warwick even think he’s vibing with Charity when uttering four sentences for the entire date?
- Who doesn’t have a favorite ice cream flavor?
- Why is Charity complaining that Warwick isn’t scooping her ice cream? Shouldn’t that be the 31 Flavors employee’s job?
- Warwick: “Amusement parks make me tired.” WHAT?
- When asked, “What went wrong with your last relationship,” have an answer.
- When asked, “What’s your best attribute,” have an answer. “I don’t know” is not acceptable.
- When you confess you are “reluctant to get into a relationship,” maybe don’t sign up for a dating show.
Charity decides that she can’t hand out a rose to someone just because they are cute. Warwick takes the news well because he is asleep in the back of the rejection SUV before the driver puts it in drive.
Brayden is being Brayden, which means he’s roaming around with a bourbon in his hand, telling anyone who will listen that he doesn’t know if he can marry Charity. Aaron feels it is his duty to report his findings to Charity since he is bound and determined to protect her until he is kicked off the show.
Charity doesn’t have a problem with Brayden questioning his time on the show. What angers Charity is Brayden shouting this news from the rooftops. Aaron thinks Charity will dramatically fall into his arms, grateful for such pertinent information. Instead, she bids Aaron adieu for some alone time to figure out if she is going to rip off Brayden’s boutonniere.
Aaron walks straight to Brayden to confess that he told Charity he doesn’t know if he wants to be engaged. Brayden, of course, says, “No duh. I told her that already while a weird friar mascot followed us around on the baseball field.” Then he gets mad at Aaron for sabotaging the rose that is already on his lapel.
Charity requests a private audience with Brayden. All the guys wonder if this is it for our season’s villain, but it’s Tanner who reminds us that Brayden is really good at talking his way out of trouble. It turns out Tanner is right!
Brayden reminds Charity that he told her he was nervous about an engagement. And anyone who can tell her to her face that they are ready for an engagement is crazy, and she should be wary of them. THEY BARELY KNOW HER!
Brayden asks for a hug before Charity leaves to ponder life, love, and other mysteries. Will she rip his rose? Did Brayden do enough to make it through to the next week?
Yes. He did. He’s Brayden, and he has at least thirty-four more pairs of earrings to showcase on The Bachelorette.
So who does Charity strike? The old dudes, that who. The Firefighter, Adrian, and sweet baby James are all sent home. And now we are free to watch the rest of the twenty-somethings duke it out for Charity’s heart! Head on over to the comment section and tell me your front runners!