Bachelorette Gabby and Rachel Recap | Men Tell All

Well, the Men Tell All episode is traditionally a big fat dull flop. But this year, ABC made it extra weird by interjecting a ton of product placement. Luckily, I’m here to help you sift through the main things you need to know from two hours of fluff.

You are welcome!

Le Palmer

Jesse Palmer thinks this is the best season ever. I choose to respond with haughty disdain. Dare I say this season is a cluster that doesn’t know its left from its right? And none of us are invested because we’ve known the men for a collective total of seven minutes. Jesse is clearly smoking something he scored in Mexico while scouting film locations for Paradise.

Hocus Pocus

The show begins with Aven’s hometown date in Salem, Massachusetts. Naturally, a witch named Lorelai casts a love spell, and her entire table falls to the ground in doomed horror. Does it matter that Aven’s parents like Rachel when their relationship is already cursed?

Kiss From a Rose

Although we didn’t see the rose ceremony after the hometown dates, Rachel and Gabby “took matters into their own hands” and welcomed all three remaining suitors into the next round of preliminaries. Gabby has Jason, Johnny, and Erich. Rachel has Tino, Zach, and Bad Omen Aven. All will be on deck in Mexico, limbering up for Fantasy Suite tryouts.

Boys Will Be Boys

After spending roughly twenty minutes with the cast of Rachel and Gabby’s season, here’s what you need to know:

• Roby has platinum blonde hair and is more annoying than ever.
• Race car driver Jordan V. received VERY LOUD applause.
• Hayden didn’t want to leave Romeo again, lest he be burnt at the stake with Lorelai.
• Everyone feels duped that Logan was able to flip and go to Gabby’s side. They secretly are impressed with him and kicking themselves for not trying it. PS: There was no word on how Logan’s positive COVID test mysteriously landed him on a rejection SUV back home.

The Rolling Virgin

ABC wanted us to think something HUGE went down on Men Tell All. Jesse told us that it would change our lives forever. If a free cruise on the Rolling Virgin for everyone in the studio audience impacts my life, I’m not getting the connection. Can someone clue me in?

Rumor Has It

Nate is beloved by Jesse, the audience, and his fellow bros in the stands. However, when he’s in the hot seat, Uncle Jesse decides to address the rumors that Nate dated someone for a very long time and never told her about his adorable daughter. Nate defends himself, claiming he was protecting his daughter from his “unstable” dating life. Even so, he apologizes and asks everyone to forgive him, promising that he will be a better man in the future. Everyone does, but I’m afraid this blip might keep him from being “next Bachelor” material. Am I wrong?

Almost Paradise

Here’s a promo for the new season, which looks particularly C-R-A-Z-Y! I can’t wait. (Click HERE to meet the cast.)

My Lips Are Sealed

Gabby and Rachel finally join Jesse on the hot seat and barely say anything. They have been threatened with their lives if any bit of information is leaked. Gabby did tell First Impression Rose Mario that she wished he had made his feelings known. She said, “thank you,” NOT “I forgive you,” when Jacob apologized for saying he wouldn’t have stayed if Gabby had been the only bachelorette. Also, Rachel forgives Logan for being a Chach and wishes Tyler nothing but the best in life. The end.

What’s Next?

When is the Finale?

From what I understand, the rest of the season is as follows:

• Monday, September 5 (Labor Day): Fantasy Suite 1
• Tuesday, September 13 (notice day change): Fantasy Suite 2
• Tuesday, September 20: Finale
• Tuesday, September 27: Bachelor in Paradise Premiere