Golden Bachelor Recap | Episode 3

I’ve uttered this sentence approximately seventeen times since The Golden Bachelor‘s debut: “I love Jerry/Gerry with my whole heart.” He is extremely kind, highly articulate, and overwhelmingly intentional with the women with which he’s been paired. The tears! The compassion! Poor Gerry is going to have to pop and extra Xanax the day he has to send the runner-up home. I hope ABC retains a Psychotherapist, because Gerry is going to need one. The pain he causes another person just might do him in.

The women, on the other hand, are another story. Last week, I thought the ladies were darling as they wished each other well and cheered as their friends received roses. In this week’s episode, one woman made it her personal duty to sabotage another by evolutionizing ye ole standby, “She’s not here for the right reasons.”

I expected more from you, Kathy. Insert eye roll HERE!

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER

The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. You probably aren’t even reading this because the simple disclaimer has been a part of my recap since the days I emailed this puppy to just a few of my closest friends. HA! Fooled you. You’ve skipped this amusing mockery and will not know what in the world your friends are talking about when they say, “Did you like the new disclaimer Lincee wrote?” However, if you or someone on Instagram happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying patriotic candy or have an Orange Theory instructor who looks exactly like one of the bachelorettes on the show…none of this is personal. I’m sure they are all lovely people.

GROUP DATE

Jesse Palmer shows up in the sunken living room and is greeted like the prodigal son. The women fuss over his well-coiffed hair and dazzling smile but know that he hasn’t come over to the mansion for some of Susan’s meatballs. He comes bearing gifts, but not in the form of a date card. These goldies had no idea how to handle such nonsense last week, so Jesse is tasked with verbally inviting everyone to participate in one big group date. Hooray!

Get out your balloon animals and juggling balls, ladies. It’s time to show off your talents to our very own Gerry, Jesse, Kaitlyn Bristowe (for some reason), and dozens of nameless faces who have been promised a brief stint on national television and gift cards to the Golden Corral. The best news is that the winner gets a one-on-one date with the bachelor!

Sandra is up first and she tells some dirty jokes. Classy! Susan follows and she breaks a board with her foot karate style. Hardcore! Ellen teaches us how to say the word vagina and Faith sings a song on her guitar.

April is next, and although the camera stays with her for several minutes, her talent is still a mystery to me. I believe it has something to do with Botox and girl power. Kathy does a few pushups and Nancy catches whipped cream in her mouth. Gerry is overwhelmed by the talents and skills these women possess.

And then there was Leslie. She used to be a professional dancer, which is evidenced by the way she works a feather boa, a folding chair, and her hips. Poor Gerry nearly suffers a heart attack when Leslie invites him on stage to perform what appears to be a standing lap dance. Hey oh!

Leslie finishes her sexy performance by presenting him with a plate of brownies. She giggles and says, “I bake, too” before sticking her tongue down his throat while simultaneously grinding him on stage. Leslie feels that this bold behavior has surely landed her the date rose. No one else has come close to her talent.

And then there was Joan.

Sweet, terrified Joan makes her way to the microphone, visibly shaking. After confessing that she is completely out of her comfort zone, she announces that she will be reciting an original poem, “I Hope I Don’t Vomit On Your Shoes.” Rhyming “dispose” with “rose” and “blues” with “shoes,” Joan charms her way into a teary-eyed Gerry’s heart in a matter of seconds. He chooses her without hesitation to join him for dinner that night.

Leslie claims to be happy for Joan. But if looks could kill, Joan’s head would be mounted on a wall in the mansion.

DINNER WITH JOAN

Joan and Gerry bond over how weird it is to date after the death of a spouse, and how both of them probably “got out there” a little too early. Joan mentions that she hasn’t been selfish in a long time and she’s glad she is doing something for herself, even though her daughter had a c-section fifteen days ago.

Wow. What very odd, specific information to give at this moment.

Gerry wastes no time giving Joan the date rose. They make out hard. Gerry is on cloud nine the next morning as he drives to pick up someone else for a one-on-one date, but before we find out who that woman is, we see Joan crying on the phone.

Joan received a message from her daughter. She needs her mom. Joan must leave immediately in the darling strapless jumper that I wouldn’t be caught dead in because I don’t have the shoulders to pull it off like Joan.

She wanders into the sunken living room, and because Susan is the best, she immediately recognizes that something is wrong. Joan explains that her family needs to come first, and the women listening to her straight-up cry crocodile tears in understanding. They hug her and do not appear to be secretly excited that one of the major competitors is removing herself from the show. I think Joan will be genuinely missed.

Especially by dear Gerry, who nearly gets in the black SUV with Joan after she tells him she has to leave. But sometimes the right thing is the hardest thing, and Gerry waves goodbye as Joan drives off into the distance. He takes his time weeping about lost love on the roaming bench in the middle of the mansion driveway.

ONE-ON-ONE

Meanwhile, a fashion designer named Michael Costello steals Ellen away to give her an abbreviated version of the infamous Pretty Woman date. Ellen is dressed in a Barbie pink cocktail gown, with a legit diamond necklace completing the ensemble.

Gerry wipes his tears away, puts on his game face, and escorts Leslie to a random hill in Beverly to sit on the roaming bench again. He and Ellen visit about their wedding days, which was hella weird since Ellen’s husband has not passed away. Luckily, Gerry was able to bring it back around when they both realized the other was dirt poor but happy in the early years.

Gerry pops open a velvet box of Uncle Neil Lane earrings to match the diamonds around Ellen’s neck and walks her down to the waiting hot air balloon. Ellen goes all in (with her tongue) while making out with Gerry several hundred feet up in the air.

Ellen is a smitten kitten.

CHATTY KATHY

Do you know who else is smitten? Theresa. I don’t know if you remember this, but she had the first one-on-one and it was magical. She recalls every last detail to Kathy, who looks on in extreme boredom.

The next thing we know, Theresa is holding court, suggesting that it’s about to be really hard for dear Gerry. He’s going to have to make very tough decisions with the pending rose ceremony. Lisa cuts a glance at Theresa and sharply insists that the woman keep her mouth shut.

Confused, Theresa asks for some alone time with Lisa so she can figure out what’s going on. Lisa instructs Theresa to talk to Kathy. Unfortunately, Kathy is busy at the moment throwing Theresa under the bus in a roundabout way as she cries in Gerry’s arms.

Kathy: It’s been a rough day. There’s a lot of meanness. People in the house aren’t very nice.

Gerry: You are an incredibly positive and upbeat person. To hear this from you is a loud voice. Would you mind telling me what’s going on? Is there someone in particular I need to look out for?

Kathy: What you initially see is not what is real. I don’t want you to make a mistake. I want you to be happy. Just be careful.

Sweet Gerry runs and gets a rose ceremony rose from Jesse Palmer and hands it to Kathy without even considering that he’s breaking all sorts of rules. Jesse, intimidated by this father figure, shouts, “THERE ARE NO RULES” and lets Gerry do whatever he wants in the moment. Carpe diem. Seize the day. You may not have tomorrow. Literally.

Kathy wanders back into the sunken living room with her flower and all eyes turn in her direction. Theresa immediately requests a private audience and the pair head over to sit on the stairwell like they are twenty-something bachelorettes.

Theresa wants to know how she has offended Kathy. Kathy tells her that she (Theresa) completely dismissed her as she bragged about her super awesome date with Gerry and their solid-as-a-rock connection. Theresa begins to cry and apologizes through hiccups. Kathy does not ease up. Instead, she berates Theresa for treating her like a foregone conclusion. She thinks Theresa sounds possessive and territorial and anything that comes out of her mouth is Theresa’s responsibility.

As Theresa heads to her room to cry in Faith’s arms, I feel it is my duty to tell you that I don’t think Kathy is being fair. Was it wise for Theresa to boast about her relationship with Gerry in week three? No. Did she do it maliciously? Absolutely not. There’s not a manipulative bone in this woman’s body.

Imagine Theresa as the doe-eyed girl who comes into the mansion thinking she is best friends with all the women. She thinks they will all stay in touch after the show is over. She’s also the one who doesn’t know how to emotionally compartmentalize her feelings when it comes to Gerry. Theresa will be the one who is crying hysterically that her “boyfriend” is dating other people.

Kathy is just manipulative.

Gerry finds Theresa in her room and does his best to try and console the woman he now knows is the same woman Kathy was speaking about earlier. He wisely tells Theresa that if she believes in her heart that she wasn’t doing anything to purposely hurt another, she needs to let it go. Theresa beams and begins planning her second wedding. Her colors will be blush and bashful.

Gerry recognizes the “disturbance” and mourns the stumbling block this has caused in his relationship with Theresa.

ROSE CEREMONY

Along with Kathy and Ellen, roses go to Faith, Sandra, Leslie, Nancy, Susan, April, and Theresa. Edith and the other blonde lady whose name I’m too lazy to look up are sent home. Few tears were shed in this particular goodbye montage.

Of course, Theresa can’t help but share with the person standing next to her that Gerry was so sweet to console her in her room before the rose ceremony. He did such a good job of making her feel respected and loved. Naturally, the warm body standing next to Theresa was Kathy, who stage whispered, “THIS IS THE KIND OF THING YOU NEED TO KEEP TO YOURSELF.”

What do you think? Is Theresa faking it? Is Kathy a horrible person? And is Susan the coolest of them all? Sound off in the comments section!