Bachelor Clayton Recap | Episode 2

As we settle into the second week of Clay-en’s journey to find love, several things are made clear by the end of this two-hour extravaganza. First of all, everyone seems more relaxed in the official Bachelor mansion, excluding Jesse Palmer, who gives off a “what am I doing here” vibe. You can tell someone in the front office likened this hosting gig to a former football player commentating on Saturday morning for athletes ten years younger.

Except this is a whole new ball game, and Uncle Jesse doesn’t know what the hell he’s doing. Exhibit A: Clayton asks his fearless leader if anyone has ever taken a rose back before. Poor Uncle Jesse stares blankly at his doppelgänger and itches to phone a particular friend with the initials OHCH. 

We also learn that Hilary Duff really, really, really wants her new show, How I Met Your Father, to succeed on Hulu. It’s the only explanation of why she pretends to be a super fan of the show while conversing with the one girl in the cast who hates children. 

And finally, I think it’s perfectly acceptable for me to claim Clayton as a bit of a doof. Having to follow someone like Michelle Young, who possesses the most eloquent conversational skills, makes me bless Clayton’s heart any time he responds to his date with a mundane, “I love that,” or “Cool.”

However, we don’t watch The Bachelor for the lead. Instead, we watch this show for the catty women who surround the lead with overt drama, needless whining, profound tears, and bawdy stories. 

And when a handful of women all take turns licking the spoon from the crazy batter this early in the season, I can’t help but think that even though Clayton is bulky in every sense of the word, the entertainment value is going to be off the charts! 

I’m all in!

GROUP DATE ONE
“This is what dreams are made of!”

Uncle Jesse introduces himself to the ladies of the house. So many heard stories of this man from their mothers when they watched his season many eons ago. They giggle in all the right places and squeal with glee when their names are called from the date card. 

But no one is as ecstatic as Cassidy when Hilary Duff waltzes out from behind a bounce house to greet Clayton and his ladies. Hilary claims that she “loved seeing Clayton in action” during Michelle’s season when he won over a gaggle of Ms. Young’s students. However, for Clayton to find the right partner, she feels he needs to see the women spend thirty minutes preparing for a birthday party. 

Hil doles out various jobs. There’s cake decorating, a tea party station, construction of a dollhouse, streamer duty, and clown brigade. The ladies serve wholeheartedly, eager to please Lizzie McGuire. Several minutes pass when someone notices that neither Clay-en nor Cassidy are in attendance. 

That’s because Cassidy pulled Clay-en over to the Duff’s swimming pool for half an hour of dry humping. She’s not here to make friends, people. And she’s certainly not here to hang out with children. How do I know this? Because she tells them. AT THE TEA PARTY. 

Obviously, Cassidy’s behavior results in a massive target on her back, but she doesn’t care. She snags the cake Genevieve spent all afternoon decorating and starts serenading Mya, the birthday girl. It didn’t technically matter that Cassidy had no clue which darling child was Mya because she tripped and dropped the cake before finishing the first stanza of “Happy Birthday.”

Somehow, Cassidy turns this snafu into a silly food fight. Miraculously, no children cried upon seeing their dessert smeared all over the Duff’s well-manicured grass. Cassidy takes Clay-en’s hand so they can “clean up” with the pool water. She hard core makes out with the bachelor again. 

Did Clay-en like it? I’m going to guess that he did, based on the fact that Cassidy received the date rose to the chagrin of each of the other women. The beginning of the cocktail portion of our night painted Cassidy in a questionable corner. About as questionable as Clayton’s decision to wear a white hoodie with his blazer.

The women are curious why Cassidy didn’t pull her weight at the birthday party. Cassidy responds with an oldie, but goodie: “I’m not here to make friends. I’m here for Clay-en.” BUT WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN, CASSIDY? WHAT ABOUT THEM!? 

Cassidy doesn’t care. Literally. She is on this journey to love Clay-en and Clay-en only. 

ONE-ON-ONE
Susie
“Let’s take our love to new heights.”

Susie is a doll. And she’s about as excited about Clay-en as she is to ride for the first time in a helicopter. When the aircraft lands on a yacht in the middle of the ocean, all bets are off. This is officially one of the coolest dates E-V-E-R. 

Clayton is feeling Susie’s energy. He likes that she’s genuine and humble. She’s funny and doesn’t take herself too seriously, yet she is confident in who she is as a person. And Susie’s grin is downright adorable. Her dimples match his dimples! 

At dinner that night, she shares a bit about her family and how her dad got really sick recently, almost succumbing to organ failure. He spent a significant amount of time in the ICU, and Susie truly admired her mother’s adoration, having not left her father’s side the entire time. 

Susie wants that kind of love. So does Clayton. And so does Canadian country music artist Amanda Jordan who sang her hit song, “I Choose You,” as our couple swayed and kissed. 

Susie is going to go far. But I don’t think Susie will be the last woman standing. 

GROUP DATE TWO

My favorite part of the entire episode was Cassidy coaching Shanae on being a competitor in the game known as The Bachelor. Cassidy warns Shanae that she can’t let anything stand in the way of her and that rose. Shanae must be bold and run the date on her terms. 

It’s too bad Cassidy didn’t give Shanae more specific instructions because a tiny blonde woman named Elizabeth stood between Shanae and the rose. Sadly, Elizabeth had no idea she was a roadblock. As a result, she botched her chance to find love just because she ended up accidentally sitting next to our bachelor during the “getting to know you” portion of the group date. 

A famous comedian named Ziwe walks the women through a series of questions that are supposed to unveil red flags in relationships. It’s a classroom setting, so the women file in one by one. As any kiss-butt would, Shanae takes a seat at the head of the class and fails to realize that Clay-en will be sitting in as well. By process of elimination, Elizabeth sits to his right, across from a seething Shanae. 

Ziwe asks if anyone has sent a nude photo, faked an orgasm, cheated on a boyfriend, or felt judged by another woman in the house. Shanae’s “I have” paddle whips in the air. Ziwe calls her out, and for some unknown, unfortunate reason, this ends in Shanae renaming herself Shanae Nae before attempting to whip and nae nae. 

This was Shanae attempting to be bold as her sensei instructed. Spoiler: No one cared, and it was pretty embarrassing. I ended up behind a couch cushion. 

After the classroom red flag exercise, Ziwe makes all the ladies change into white sports bras and tiny shorts. Then they have to slide through some goo, drink a jug of milk, hop through a red bog of liquid on what looked like pieces of toast, and then bust through a wall to Jump & Straddle™ Clay-en on the other side. 

Let the record show that half the women allowed the milk to dribble down their fronts. The rule followers were left in the dust on that event. I’d also like to point out that Shanae literally pushes Elizabeth off a piece of floating toast so she can move ahead. This will be an important detail later. 

Baby Sarah wins the race and some super special alone time with Clay-en. They share a bottle of champagne on the roaming bench traditionally slated for important talks after hometown dates or rejections. 

Later that night, Shanae is once again livid that Elizabeth had the audacity to speak to the bachelor before her. The nerve. The only logical thing to do is tell Clay-en that Elizabeth is two-faced and not here for the right reasons. Clay-en bumbles over to Elizabeth to set the record straight, and Elizabeth manages to keep her jaw from falling all the way open in shock. 

Then Elizabeth leans over to Shanae, asking for a quick word. Shanae is on the defense, and one-hundred-percent believes that Elizabeth ignored her once upon a time. And that’s just NOT okay. Somehow, Elizabeth doesn’t cold cock Shanae with a hairbrush and instead apologizes that she felt invisible. Elizabeth blames the moment on her ADHD, claiming that it’s hard for her to listen to more than one person at a time. 

This is unacceptable to Shanae. She thought they were friends! But Elizabeth is a mean girl who wears pink on Wednesdays. 

Elizabeth: “If you thought we were friends, why did you push me on the toast today?” 
Lincee: “TOUCHÉ!”

Elizabeth is tired and ends the conversation (that is going nowhere) as diplomatically as possible. Then she sort of cries when Clay-en hands the date rose to Baby Sarah. After Clayton leaves, the women wonder out loud if anything is going on with Elizabeth and Shanae. They argue about their argument, and Shanae tells the group that Elizabeth blames her lousy behavior on ADHD, which is a crock.

Suddenly, claws begin to come out because one woman has just announced another woman’s mental health status on national television. Shanae is going down!

ROSE CEREMONY

My second favorite part of the episode is with Sensei Cassidy and Shanae once again. It’s evident that rumors have swirled around the mansion about Shanae’s poor behavior on the group date. Cassidy chastises her protégé that it was a dumb move for her to get in a fight with someone. She needs to be an ordinary bad girl — not a straight-up villain. 

Villains are targeted by the townsfolk with pitchforks. You can’t quickly bounce back from that label. This is why Cassidy suddenly puts a ton of space between her and Shanae Nae. Especially when Elizabeth’s mental health is presented to a brand new set of women at the cocktail party. 

Cassidy chooses an odd tactic (in my opinion) to switch subjects from Shanae Nae’s evil ways. She broadcasts her “relationship status” with Clay-en to anyone with ears to hear as she waves her long-stemmed red rose from side to side.

Cassidy: “Clay-en told me that my boldness and assertiveness is a turn-on.”
Lincee: “No, he didn’t.”

Cassidy: “He said my unrelenting pursuit was hot.”
Lincee: “No, he didn’t.”

Cassidy’s braggadocios pronouncement backfires in her tipsy face. Sierra feels compelled to tell Clayton the dark, dirty secret Cassidy has been harboring for the 24-hours she has known her fellow contestant. She tells the camera that if she just stands by and allows Cassidy to pull the wool over Clay-en’s eyes, then she (Sierra) is part of the problem. 

Sierra: “I thought you should know that earlier today, Cassidy told me that she has a BLEEP buddy. They FaceTimed the day before she met you and planned to watch the show together when she got back. They are friends with benefits, and he wants to do nasty things with her.”

Lincee to Lara: “Did she just say that Cassidy’s side piece wants to do nasty things with her?”
Lara: “Yes. Yes, she did.”

Lincee: “I love this show.”
Lara: “Me too.”

Clayton is unable to form a sentence after his exchange with Sierra. While he processes, Sierra quickly tells Cassidy that she informed Clay-en about her friends with benefits. 

Cassidy, being Cassidy, takes it all in stride. She has a rose. Clay-en likes her. She likes Clay-en. What’s the big deal? She owns this mansion and will unhinge her jaw and swallow anyone whole who gets in her way, including glittery-skinned women with impressive afros. 

Meanwhile, Clayton sends up the bat signal, and a confused Uncle Jesse is summoned to the fire pit on the mansion’s back porch. Clayton wants to know if one can retract a rose one has already bestowed a potential love interest. 

The scene fades to black as Uncle Jesse’s shoulders raise in ignorant bliss.