Bachelor Zach Recap | Episode 6

I’m about to say something you never thought you’d hear from me, Lincee Ray, who has been recapping this “darling” reality show for twenty years. Are you ready?

The Bachelor made me wiser. I actually gained knowledge while watching on Monday night. Going into the debacle, I would not have been able to point to Estonia on a world map. Now, if one day I’m asked, I can report that it is a hop, skip, and jump over the Baltic Sea from Finland.

This is big news, my friend. HUGE. Why?

Because I also learned that Estonia is the perfect place to fall in love. Where else can you find your future mate while dabbling in witchcraft, hanging out with nude old people in hot tubs, and participating in the age-old “wife-carrying” competition? Grab your passport, single people. We’re going to Eastern Europe!

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER

The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. You probably aren’t even reading this because the simple disclaimer has been a part of my recap since the days I emailed this puppy to just a few of my closest friends. HA! Fooled you. You’ve skipped this amusing mockery and will not know what in the world your friends are talking about when they say, “Did you like the new disclaimer Lincee wrote?” However, if you or someone on Instagram happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying leftover Christmas candy or have an Orange Theory instructor who looks exactly like one of the bachelorettes on the show…none of this is personal. I’m sure they are all lovely people.

FIRST ONE-ON-ONE DATE
“Let’s Make Up For Lost Time”

I’ll admit, I was charmed when all the girls started comparing Estonia to the movie Frozen. Had I been more focused, I would have regaled my Bachelor-watching friends with my rendition of “Let It Go,” but my mind was distracted by long camel-colored overcoats. Did all the women purchase this outerwear as a souvenir from Wandering Oaken’s Trading Post and Sauna? Or is this a situation where everyone has a packing list, and it is “strongly encouraged” you don a black knit hat with a pom-pom on top?

There’s no time to debate because Greer caught the COVID, and Zach couldn’t care less when Jesse Palmer tries to make him have an ounce of feelings toward the news. All Zach wants is some quality time with Charity, so he bids his host farewell and heads over to the ladies’ suite.

Everyone gushes over Charity’s emerald green sweater and winter white slacks. It looks sooooo good with her camel coat. Zach busts through the door, ecstatic to be out of fake quarantine, and nestles himself among his throng of ladies on the velvet couch. Kat whispers in his ear, and the next thing we know, she’s escorting him away from the fold for a little chat.

HOW DARE SHE. WHO DOES SHE THINK SHE IS? THE NERVE!

I don’t know if my capital letters convey the disgust dripping from the other seven ladies, who fall into two camps. You’re either blazing mad that Kat would have the audacity to steal Zach away during a non-cocktail environment, or you are soothing Charity’s delicate feelings for being shunned before her date even started.

Kat calls it “taking initiative” and “having her moment.” Brooklyn calls it a “b!tch a$$” move and is highly annoyed by the shimmering gloss glistening on Zach’s previously chapped lips. Brooklyn is not afraid to tell Kat that she is classless. Kat doesn’t see why Brooklyn is being so aggressive. She feels attacked! Why is everyone coming at her when all she did was have her moment?

We are in week six, ladies, and some of us (not you, Jess) have known Zach for a collective eighteen hours. He’s putting a ring on it in a matter of days. Now is the time to seize the day. Don’t be afraid and don’t delay.

The ladies don’t buy it. Kat has broken protocol, and she is now the new villain since Christina Mandrell and that girl who tried to attack that other girl in the Bahamas are all gone. Kat better watch her back, is what I’m saying.

Meanwhile, Charity and Zach take the bumpiest carriage ride known to man. Wagon wheels barreling down ancient cobblestone streets do not mix, which is why I assume the buggy stopped at a wife-carrying event in the middle of the town square.

What is wife carrying? I’m glad you asked. It’s a competition where men carry a woman through an obstacle course. The quirky catch is that the woman is hanging on the man’s back upside down. Imagine Charity executing a Jump and Straddle (TM) but from behind. Now flip her 180 degrees. Clear as mud?

Back at the hotel, Brooklyn is still needling Kat for being such a jackwagon and even rolls her eyes when Kat plays the victim. Ariel is there to speak wisdom into the woman crying over the fact that Brooklyn hurt her feelings. Kat blames COVID and claims everything shifted when they lost a week from Zach’s fake illness. Ariel reminds Kat that respect doesn’t shift.

Y’all. Is Ariel my favorite person on this show now?

Charity and Zach traipse through Estonia, having so much fun. At dinner, Charity tells him through dainty tears that she was not appreciated in her previous relationships and often felt lost. She couldn’t recognize who she was on her own. Zach’s ability to make her feel chosen is a gift. But what she went through in the past has made her who she is today.

Zach pulls out his “you are awesome” script, replaces Gabi’s name with Charity, and tells her she deserves the sun and moon. Then he gives her the date rose, and they make out.

GROUP DATE
“True Love Feels Like Magic”

Uh, oh. When Young Jess is listed among the other names on the group date card, she slowly melts into a puddle of her own tears. What does it mean that she’s the last one standing without a one-on-one date? Gabi quickly points out that germy Greer hasn’t received a one-on-one, but Young Jess dismisses the fact. Everyone knows Greer is going home next week. Let’s focus on the real drama in the room.

And that drama is not Young Jess, interestingly enough. It’s Brooklyn! Who again goes after Kat for being tacky for kissing Zach before Charity’s one-on-one. Kat implores that she wasn’t taking a moment away from anyone. She was making her own.

Guess who doesn’t care? ME! And also Ariel, who quietly smiles on the couch, knowing that she has landed the second Eastern European one-on-one.

Young Jess is forced to plaster on a happy face as she channels her inner Gryffindor by chanting with an Estonia witch around an open fire. Next, Grand Witch Haley helps people eliminate negative vibes by making them stare into each other’s eyes through the flame of a candle. Apparently, this is how you grow in your love for the other person.

Unless your name is Jess, and your flame blows out in the middle of your session. I may have laughed out loud when Haley uttered, “Oh no.” Ten bucks says the ABC Intern was hiding behind the witch’s shack with a billow, wafting air in that flame’s direction.

This slight mishap sends Young Jess into a bottomless pit of despair that she can’t shake. Bless her heart. She tries to explain the pressure she’s feeling during the cocktail party, and how her confidence is flailing due to her lack of a one-on-one date. She correlates the date card with progression in the relationship, which is fair, but Zach doesn’t catch on to her argument right away.

Instead, he tries to soothe her by explaining that the timing of date cards and order of appearance does not matter. He leans in for a kiss, but Young Jess reminds him that relationships move farther along when in a one-on-one setting. People get vulnerable when no one is hovering around to steal Zach away. Doesn’t he understand where she’s coming from?

Nope. Zach gets hung up on the word “process” and admits to Young Jess that he’s not following and is concerned he doesn’t know where her head is at, even though it’s visibly right there on top of her shoulders. With Young Jess’s prefrontal cortex not yet developed, she cannot turn this train around, and Zach tells her he no longer feels confident in their relationship. Young Jess’ eyes fill with fire as she exclaims, “I told you I’m not going to beg for someone.”

Suddenly, Young Jess is in a rejection SUV, looking shocked and defeated. She asks the camera if she was wrong for wanting to go on a date with the man she would be engaged to in the next couple of weeks.

Fair question, Young Jess.

Zach gets teary in the perfectly dry driveway. I guess this old mansion doesn’t have running water to spray the asphalt down. Regardless, he mopes his way inside, confessing that he and Young Jess hit a frustrating breaking point and will not be giving a rose to anyone.

SECOND ONE-ON-ONE DATE
“Let’s Explore the Countryside”

Oh, Ariel. How did I miss how wise and fun you have been for the last six weeks? But, more importantly, how did I not realize that you are the only one on the cast who doesn’t pepper her sentences with the word “like” every other word? For that, my dear, you deserve to win. Whether that’s Zach’s hand or the lottery, I don’t care. Give this woman a prize.

There’s not a lot to share when it comes to Ariel’s date. She combed her hair with a fork at dinner and saved her pet crab from boiling in a hot silver pot full of water. Then she went to a nudist sauna, where she did not take off her clothes, and joyfully welcomes an older couple who crashes both her sauna time and hot tub time with Zach. Again, give this woman a trophy.

I’m not the only one who sees Ariel in a different light. Zach says he’s missed out on what’s been in front of his face the entire time. He even “makes a cheers” (kill me) and admits that Ariel is well put together, polished, and easy to be around over a champagne toast.

Ariel tells Zach that she uses humor to mask some of her insecurities, but for the most part, she tries really hard to be vulnerable. Plus, they both feel giddy about each other, which is a good thing. When Zach hands her the date rose, he whispers that she has far exceeded his expectations.

And that’s it! The date is over! Could this be crafty editing? Did Ariel and Zach have unimaginable chemistry that lept off the screen? Or was this date dull as dirt and boring beyond compare?

Time will tell.

Rose Ceremony

Zach tells the women that he is, like, FOR SURE, his person is in the room. Aly gets forty-five seconds of screen time, which is foreshadowing at its finest. Zach kisses Brooklyn and Kaity, and then Lady and the Tramps some Estonian pancakes with Gabi, which begs the question, “What is up with this girl and syrup?”

Next door, Charity asks for a private audience with Kat to clear the air about the infamous lipgloss situation from days before. Brooklyn takes it upon herself to join the conversation. Kat abruptly leaves the duo to try and find a corner where she can cry in peace.

Unfortunately, the ABC Intern shoves Zach in her general direction just as the first tear slips down her cheek. Zach tries to be happy-go-lucky, but something is weighing on him, and he must share with Kat that he knows something was up on the Hogwarts date. She was acting “off-putting.” He warns Kat that it’s only going to get more complicated. Then he leaves her to get caught up in her emotions as he prepares for the rose ceremony.

Along with Charity and Ariel, roses are handed out to Gabi, Kaity, Brooklyn, and Kat. Honorable mention goes to Greer for having fake COVID.

What do you think? Will Greer reach the next round after being sick for a week? Is Ariel your top choice now? Or is it still between Gabi, Kaity, and Kat? Sound off in the comment section below!