Bachelorette Katie Recap | Week 5

When you think Katie has eliminated all of the problem children from the resort, Hunter decides to tap into the monstrous side of his Jekyll and Hyde personality. I clocked thirty minutes of harmonious bliss before Hunter slipped into a wrestling singlet and willingly slammed his body into anyone holding an orange ball. 

And when I write “harmonious bliss,” I mean harmonious bliss. Guys were cracking each others’ backs and cuddling on the couch. When you all cram into a hot tub so early in the journey, you become bros faster than in other seasons. It just makes sense. 

Ironically, I think Hunter’s jackwagonry was more disturbing to the bachelors than the new guy’s arrival into the fold. Tayshia tries to make it as ominous and foreboding as possible, but once the mountain man arrives, waving at the group, Aaron greets him with a curt, “Blake.”

Because if anyone had a Bachelor bracket last season, it’s Aaron. How else would he know who Blake is if he didn’t have a working knowledge of the cast? As the Informer, it’s up to Aaron to keep everyone abreast of what’s going on and who they are ganging up on that week as a unit. 

Blake hems and haws through a pitiful, “I know what you’re feeling,” and promises the group of men staring at him that he is totally here for the right reasons. Other than Quartney asking if Blake knew Katie beforehand and Michael wondering out loud why Blake chose to come into the journey halfway through the season, most accept the new guy. Especially after Katie drops in to pick Blake up for a one-on-one and dares anyone to cross her. 

They better get on board and develop some topics that revolve around beard maintenance because this is happening, people. 

ONE-ON-ONE
Blake

Katie takes Blake horseback riding, and all falls into place. They are MFEO and marvel at how much in common they share. These include, but are not limited to: travel, outdoors, and sex positivity. Once they reach the roaming bench in the middle of the desert, Blake confesses his tummy flutters when she’s around. This is enough affirmation for Katie to lean in and make out with the bearded bandit. Then they literally roll around in the hay and make out some more.

That night at dinner, Blake tells Katie that he too is sex-positive and wants to know what made her so public about her sex-positivity. She shares how she didn’t receive consent that one time and how the experience made her own who she was as a woman. 

Blake handles himself beautifully at the moment. Then they talk about other things like how his eyes can be so pretty. Finally, she gives him the date rose and escorts him to an adjacent room where up-and-coming musical artist LAINE HARDY stands, ready to provide melodious lyrics for Blake and Katie to sway back and forth, awkwardly whispering in each other’s ears, “Who is this guy again?”

Newsflash: He’s an American Idol winner. How ABC has not capitalized on this network singer before this season is an enigma. 

Much like Connor the Cat’s open concept button-down. 

GROUP DATE
Bash Ball Battle

Katie meets the majority of her guys out in an open field. It’s a beautiful day to bash some balls. Everyone is in their sexiest workout wear, and all inhale eagerly when Katie reveals that some primo athletes will be joining them for a quick game of rugby/basketball. The men geek out over who might have been brave enough to enter the quarantine bubble. Michael Jordan’s name is thrown out there. Along with Michael Phelps.

Suddenly, Franco Lacosta and Wells Adams careen over the hill on a runaway golf cart. They hop out dramatically and instantly strike poses, showcasing their outfits procured from a gymnasium locker room in the eighties. Frank explains that the group will be split in two and whichever team scores the most baskets will win alone time with Katie. The losers must walk home in their embarrassing singlets. 

At this point, all hell breaks loose, thanks to an unnecessary rough tackle, courtesy of Hunter ducking his head and blasting straight into the ribs of Mike the Virgin. Nerves sizzle, testosterone gurgles, and competitive spirits reach a point of no return. Hunter’s devil may care attitude seeps into the psyche of the other competitors, and the rugbasketby match suddenly turns into a battle scene from an epic war movie. 

It’s like Braveheart. But with zero armor and red hearts on the buttocks. 

It’s all fun and games until someone gets hurt. This is why we can’t have nice things. Justin nails Michael in the back with a crack that sounded serious. Katie leaps onto the field to help the medics straighten Mike’s spine back into place. The players take a knee, and Justin heaves a sigh of relief when Mike finally lifts, confirming he is not paralyzed.

Katie slightly freaks out, willing Michael to be okay. But, if he has to go to the hospital, that means he has to leave the bubble, and once you leave the bubble, YOU CAN NOT COME BACK because Covid ruins everything. Call me crazy, but wouldn’t this have been an important detail to consider before you made the guys play basketby? 

Katie calls the game and invites everyone to the after-party, as we knew she probably would do even if there hadn’t been a near-death experience. She celebrates the moment by wearing her favorite red leather dominatrix outfit. Her first order of business? Checking on Michael.

He’s okay. Katie gently tells him that she was nervous when he went down. He thanks her for being emotional about his well-being. Then he asks if he can kiss her.

If you listen to the podcast, you know my feelings about Michael asking permission to stick his tongue down Katie’s throat. At this point in the game, he’s asked every time. I will no longer hate him for doing this, with the understanding that this is his schtick. It’s like Andrew speaking in a  British accent or Connor not grasping the purpose of buttons. 

Seriously. What is Connor’s deal? As he strums the ukulele, serenading Katie with an original ditty, the viewing audience is treated to Connor’s freshly waxed chest from clavicle to navel. Don’t forget the delicate layered gold necklace that nestles comfortably between both nipples. I don’t understand his mindset behind this fashion choice. He looks like a pirate on a business trip. 

Katie cries when Connor finishes the last refrain. Is it because the song was so good, or the unbuttoned shirt was so sad? We may never know.

Most of the guys find time to be silly with Katie. Hunter, on the other hand, tries to humanize himself by showing Katie pictures of his children. Katie cries (again), and they make out through the salty tears.

Meanwhile, Michael provides the waterworks on the bro couch. As the RA of the group, Michael encourages the guys to be positive when the world seems to be turning against them. He then casually mentions that he’s a widower, and nine pairs of eyeballs jerk in his direction. 

He tells them his love story. And clarifies that he didn’t share earlier because he didn’t want to bum everyone out. He laughs because this confession has totally bummed everyone out. Other Andrew offers him a side hug, Connor’s lip trembles, and Greg straight up cries real tears that have no hope in slowing down. 

When Michael reports that his wife’s birthday had been the day before, everyone lets go of their emotions, including me. Greg gets up and hugs the poor man. James’ face turns red. Tre can’t hold it together. Michael hiccups and reminds the guys that we have a finite amount of time here. DO NOT WASTE IT.

Michael meant time here on earth is finite, but Greg takes the note literally and rushes off to find Katie. He can’t believe the one guy in the house who is the nicest, kindest, gentlest man has such a sad story. No more moping around irritated that his girlfriend is dating a ton of other guys. It’s time to tell Katie how he feels!

Katie welcomes Greg with open arms. Then she remarks that he has a “resting sad face,” which I believe is an accurate statement. Greg, however, does not like being compared to a lost puppy dog and wants Katie to know that he is in this to the end. He hates the process, but she’s worth it. Katie admits she was scared that he would leave, but he promises he would NEVER.

This means he probably will crack and leave the resort the week of hometowns. 

Oh, and I should report that the group date rose goes to Hunter. 

SECOND ONE-ON-ONE
Andrew

Katie arrives late at night in her favorite cat woman outfit and a chain belt wrapped around her waist. I had the same one in gold. All I need now is a black leather jumpsuit, and I can be just like Katie. 

Andrew thinks it’s odd that Katie leads him into the middle of the woods. He executes all of the “is this where you kill me” jokes with perfect delivery. She makes a big deal about counting down before the big reveal. And by “big,” I mean the ABC Intern strung fifty twinkle lights in the trees, tied string to the lights, and chip-clipped envelopes just out of reach so Andrew would have to hoist Katie in the air to pluck an envelope that held an icebreaker question.

These are the questions that should have been asked in the sharing circle. 

After a few rounds, Katie deems that she and Andrew have a ton in common. So much so that it’s time to make out among the flittering envelopes. 

Next up is the same thing, but switch the envelopes with pink ceramic hearts, add a bat, and watch as Andrew and Katie take out their aggression on innocent Valentines. Raise your hand if you think the ABC Intern is working overtime on this one?

Katie and Andrew then head to a roomful of glowing balls. Some have questions written on them, but Andrew would much rather peg Katie in the face instead of answering another inquiry about his favorite dance move or preferred day of the week. However, because she doesn’t want to exit the Bachelorette bubble thanks to a broken nose, Katie sidles up next to Andrew so they can kiss among the illuminated spheres. 

At dinner, Andrew tells Katie that he almost proposed to a woman, but she was worried about having mixed-race children. This news breaks Katie’s heart, and she vows right then and there that she would fiercely love their children and Mama Bear the crap out of anyone who would suggest otherwise. All that is important in life is LOVE.

She seals the deal by inviting Andrew into a hot tub full of tepid, non-bubbling water. She gives him the rose, and they appear to start working toward that beautiful mixed-race family. 

ROSE CEREMONY

Continuing with the dominatrix theme, Katie arrives at the rose ceremony in a skin-tight, one-sleeved, red dress. Unfortunately, there is a split on one side clean up to her hip. Fortunately, the ABC wardrobe department added three chains near the top to help keep all nether regions from peeking out. 

Hunter has turned full-blown Chach and rattles off nonsense during his talking head segments. He’s already looking forward to hometowns and plans on turning the intensity level up to high. I’m already both bored and annoyed by him, and the party just started.

I’m not the only one. When Aaron and James spy on Hunter, taking Katie to a miniature one-on-one near a telescope and carpet picnic, they lose their minds. Hunter already has a rose. Why would he steal time from the other guys? Aaron encourages James to go over and steal her away. James applies another layer of hairspray, adjusts his silver necklace against his black turtleneck, and meanders in that direction.

Hunter refuses to let Katie go with James. Ever the Gatsy, James offers to “wait right over here” until they are done, making sure to keep the date in his eyesight and ear sight. Eventually, James interrupts again, and Katie leaves with him. She even commends James for being aggressive at that moment. James admits he hates being that guy, but he is really falling for Katie. She rewards him with a deep kiss. 

Of course, Aaron and James speak their truth to Hunter later on, who acts just like Thomas when he defends that he didn’t know he was doing anything wrong. Then he talks trash about everyone to the camera. 

I’m exhausted. How about you?

Along with Blake, Andrew, and Hunter, Katie hands roses to Greg, Aaron, Michael, Connor, James, Justin, Mike the Virgin, and Tre. Let the record show that I KILLED on my bracket! I was teetering between Quartney and James but went with James in the end. ONE MORE WEEK FOR THE GATSBY!

Katie gathers her fellas into a circle. Aaron begins to give a toast, and Hunter interrupts to give one of his own. Aaron looks as if he is going to murder a certain someone in his sleep. Say hello to our new villain!

We also have a new season promo. Check this out. SO MANY TEARS! If I had to guess, I’d say that Michael will take himself out of the bubble to be with his kid. And maybe Blake decides he’s not that into Katie anymore? And what’s going on with Mike on that boat? 

Sound off in the comments section. And remember, NO SPOILERS!